The Top 5. Volume 14.

It's only kind of a top 5 list though, since I couldn't really figure out how to rank them- plus there are 6. Here are some fictional bars that would be interesting to drink at in real life, in no particular order.


1. Peach Pit After Dark- Beverly Hills 90210


Fun factor: Off the charts, IF you're in the mood for that kind of night. During its initial opening, the Peach Pit After Dark was just night after night of raves and dance parties, which I can totally get on board with. I always kinda wished I had been college-aged in the early 90's, mostly because my dance style (a combination of MC Hammer and Michael Flatley) would've gone over much better in that era than it did in the early 2000's.

Music scene: After the dance party era, the PPAD made a subtle shift into live music. And let me tell you, if you love artists that are either a) a couple years away from being popular, b) a couple years removed from being popular, or c) never ever EVER going to hit the big-time, then this is the nightclub for you. Oh, and what about the musical stylings of David Silver? Does that interest you at all?

Chances a guy like me gets his ass kicked in a place like that: Basically non-existent. Rich white kids don't fight in Beverly Hills. I mean, there's always a chance that Dylan is off the wagon and drunk again, but most of his alcoholic tendencies are self-destructive- simply put, he's a lover, not a fighter. Plus, if 90210 taught us one thing, it's that there is no such thing as black people, at least not for more than a one or two-episode arc, so gunplay at the Peach Pit After Dark should be pretty minimal.


2. McLaren's- How I Met Your Mother


Fun factor: High. McLaren's combines two of my very favorite bar activities: chilling out and sitting around a table with the same group of friends for hours on end, discussing incredibly trivial and random topics while getting progressively drunker; and giving random girls fake names and backstories and generally just being a douche.

Music scene: TBD. The jukebox doesn't seem to get much play at McLaren's, but it seems like the kind of place where if you fired up some Neil Diamond or some Journey, within seconds, everyone would be cheers'ing each other and singing along. Very similar to the Sandbar here in Lawrence in that by the end of the night, you can conceivably be friends with almost every patron in the bar because of its cozy, intimate layout.

Chances a guy like me gets his ass kicked in a place like this: Pretty low. I would fit in pretty well in McLaren's. Those are my people.


3. Mos Eisley Cantina- Star Wars


Fun factor: Average- as long as you're not a droid. They don't serve that kind here.

Music scene: Phenomenal. I've got the Cantina Song on my ipod, and I could listen to Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes all day long (I'm a gigantic Star Wars nerd, but even I had to google that shit.) Their swinging sounds provide the backdrop for a 1920's-esque speakeasy.....

Chances a guy like me guy gets his ass kicked in a place like this: ....however, beneath the surface of the Roaring Twenties vibe lies the undertow of the seedy Tatooine gangster scene. Any place where a guy pulls a gun because he doesn't like the look on your face is bad news for me. Any place where that guy subsequently gets his arm cut off by a lightsaber, and the entire scene is met with a collective shrug and only a couple seconds of silence before it's party on as usual...well, that's even worse for me.


4. Double Deuce- Roadhouse


Fun factor: Relatively low. Between constantly looking over your shoulder for the next punch to be thrown, and constantly looking over your shoulder for the next punch to be thrown, I'm not sure how much you could relax in this bar.

Music scene: Pretty awesome, in my opinion. Jeff Healey, the guitarist of the house band, is probably my favorite blind musician this side of Stevie Wonder. Although the fact that he has to be enclosed in a wire cage in order to offer psuedo-protection from the barrage of beer bottles that are thrown at him throughout the night is a bit concerning.

Chances of a guy like me getting my ass kicked in a place like this: Either astronomically high or astronomically low, with no in-between. There are really only two scenarios in play: 1) I get my ass kicked on the reg, requiring hospitalization on a near-weekly basis after taking a beating from either a grizzled old man, a black belt in karate, or a grizzled old man with a black belt in karate; or 2) I get completely left alone by the obscene number of tough guys in the Double Deuce, because I look like such a pussy with my gelled hair, collared shirt, and biceps the size of an average 14-year-old. The wild card would be little-known scenario 3, wherein a brawl breaks out and I jump into the fray, sucker-punching a bunch of chicks before beelining for the door.


5. Moe's Tavern- The Simpsons


Fun factor: Brutal. Unless there are specific shenanigans afoot, Moe's gives off a certain "My life sucks, so I'm going to do my best to drink the rest of it away, alone on this barstool, avoiding any sort of conversation whatsoever" vibe. This was alarmingly similar to Charlie Brown's in Grand Forks all day long, until we showed up at 3 pm on Fridays and breathed some much-needed life into the place.

Music scene: Pretty depressing. 90% of the time, the only things you'll be hearing in Moe's are the depressed grumblings of Homer, Moe freaking out after another prank call from Bart, Barney belching, and the drone of the 8" shitbox TV Moe has overhanging the bar. I would be throwing money into the jukebox all night in an attempt to liven the place up. Although, you never know when the next random Aerosmith, Red Hot Chili Peppers, or U2 sighting will occur at Moe's.

Chances of a guy like me getting his ass kicked in a place like this: Low. All these barflies are too depressed to actually throw down in fisticuffs. Although Moe's penchant for pulling out a loaded shotgun could prove to be problematic after I play the same Michael Jackson song 12 times in a row on the jukebox....twice.


6. Paddy's Pub- It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia



Fun Factor: Changes from day to day. The majority of the time, you could belly up and spend your day just getting after some pitchers (for some reason, Paddy's seems REALLY conducive to tying one on in the daytime, maybe since the characters are doing it all the time.) However, there are always random shenanigans going on in the bar. Some would interfere with your boozing, some would encourage it. Flip a coin.

Music Scene: Basically non-existent; except, of course, for when they started bands and the legendary 'Dayman' song was unveiled to the world. Other than that, provide your own musical entertainment.

Chances a guy like me gets his ass kicked in a place like this: Paddy's seems pretty safe as far as ass-kicking is concerned, but threat of death seems to be a near-monthly occurence.....and there's always the McPoyle brothers and the possibility of getting FORKSTABBED!

Insert Tasteless Joke About 'Icebox' Here

>> Hey, remember Icebox from the movie Little Giants?

Yeah. Her. The tomboy who kicks the crap out of everyone on the football field. Apparently she grew up to be one of the hottest girls on the planet. Shawna Waldron- google that name. Just stupid hot. Crush job times 100. Who knew? She is immediately going into my all-time top 5. Also, did I stay up and watch Poison Ivy: The Secret Society in its entirety the other night because she was in it? On the Lifetime network, no less? Yup, sure did. No regrets, that baby was like softcore porn. Why was it on Lifetime, though? What middle-aged woman is enjoying that? Also, for anyone who watches Degrassi: The Next Generation, Emma from that show is in this movie as well, and gets naked all over the place (although it was obviously edited for TV.) I think I need to see the DVD version of this movie. OK, I'm officially rambling. Somebody throw some ice(box) on me.


>> This picutre is neither here nor there, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. The origianal caption on it was No Fucking Way This Would've Ever Happened. I can't wait for the NBA season to start and the hating on the Heat to begin full force. I love a good villain.

Happy Friday. Don't wear a C, and J all over your B's.

In One Word, Would I Use Dope?

Nope.

A little public service announcement, brought to you by former NBC Executive Brandon Tartikoff and the gang from Bayside High School:

There's No Hope With Dope.


Some thoughts:

1. I love how the audience giggles when Screech pops out of his locker, then is quickly cut off. Don't they know this is serious?!? There's no time for enjoying Screech's goofy antics now, this is a public service announcement! They are right in the middle of telling you how bad drugs are!

2. How money is Tartikoff's little fist pump at the very end? I never caught that before. What a badass. You're right, dude, you fucking nailed this PSA. I've got goosebumps too. Well done.

3. Normally, I despise any form of comments on well-trafficked sites (ESPN, youtube, etc. etc.) The diverse array of idiots, trolls, mark-ass marks, trick-ass marks, punk bitches, skig-skag skanks and scallywags (name that reference) can actually make you dumber after reading them, so I generally stay away. However, the highest-rated comments for this clip had me LOL'ing:

- lmfao "in one word would I use dope" Lmfao.......its a yes or no question so no shit it would be one word u animal

- Yea yea yea Zach we know your a pimp.... you dont have to stand up at the end and put your hands in your pockets like a fucking gangster. We know.....we know

4. I hadn't watched this episode in years and years, and yet I still could recite it word for word, including Tartikoff's little monologue. I'll be 87 years old, completely senile, bouncing my great-grandchild on my knee, and he'll ask me about doing drugs, and I'll probably reply: "Dumb. Stupid. Crazy. Dangerous. Stinks."

5. After all these years.....damn I still love this show.

(Missing) Raaaaaaaandy!

>> Gigantic, colossal failure on my part this week. I started really getting into Aziz Ansari around a year and a half ago, when I saw this clip online. At that time, I only recognized him as 'the Indian dude from Human Giant.' But I was hooked from the moment I heard him say "I'm not talkin' about 'I'm looking for an apartment' Craigslist....I'm talkin' about 'Gimme your coffee table and I'll suck your dick!' Craigslist....now THAT'S Criagslist!" and I've been a monstrous fan ever since. I regularly check his tour dates to see if he's performing anywere near Kansas. I contemplated driving up to Chicago this summer just to see one of his performances (and of course to visit my wonderful, wonderful friends up there, but you already knew that.) All of this makes the following so tough: on Tuesday night, Aziz performed in LAWRENCE, KANSAS, ABOUT 3 MILES FROM MY EFFING HOUSE.....and I had absolutely no idea. None. Not until my "buddy" JDub called me afterwards and proudly announced "Guess where I just came from?" (I put buddy in quotes because after this slap in the face, I'm not so sure that I still want to be friends with him.....he wouldn't even know who Aziz was if I hadn't introduced him into his life!)

So now the last couple of days I've heard friends go on and on, laughing and re-hashing jokes from that night, as I grit my teeth and try not to have an inappropriate angry outburst. And I've got no one to blame but myself (and JDub.) This is my bitter face.


>> Also in the "I had no idea that happened" department.....apparently Emma Watson chopped all her hair off. What the hell?!? Dumbledore must be turning over in his grave right now! And now Selena Gomez stands alone. After the Lindsay Lohan/Hilary Duff heyday, it's a little depressing that there are so few actresses who are hot in an incredibly inappropriate way these days.


>> A couple nights ago I watched MacGruber. I mildly enjoyed myself, and was laughing pretty hard at a couple parts. The next day, when I thanked my friend Bri, who had let me borrow it as long as I returned it to the video store for her, her comment was "Well I thought it was 4 dollars I'm never gonna get back." And I realized if I had paid for that movie, I would've been pretty pissed too. Which brings me to the question of the day: what movie (for you) is best described by "I'm happy that I watched it, but also very happy I didn't pay to watch it"?


>> I'm off to the gently rolling hills and calm waters of northern Arkansas this weekend, to play golf and watch football and visit some family. Happy Friday.

Crush Job

There was some mild confusion a few weeks ago when, talking to some non-Kansas friends, I used the term 'crush jobbed' to describe being hammered. The term was born a few months ago, when my buddy Munch (so nicknamed because of his love for Law & Order SVU and Detective Jerry Munch) texted me to see what I was doing. I replied, somewhat boozily: "gettin' crush jobbed at Sandbar." Munch found this hilarious, spread it around to our mutual friends, and his other friends, and boom- a new phrase was born. Since that day, my borderline blacked-out, nonsensical text has grown to mean a few different things:


1. To be severely drunk; to be within or nearing the blacked-out range.

Example: "We went to the Outhouse last night, rolled in a cooler full of Natty Ice and $8 champagne. Got completely crush jobbed. Woke up the next morning on the sidewalk outside the Salvation Army with one shoe missing, no shirt, and buffalo sauce smeared all over my chest. I think I fistfought a stray dog at some point. Damn I love BYOB strip clubs."


2. A very good-looking woman. A step below a 'Smoke Show', but a step or two above a 'Bang Maid.'

Example: "How 'bout that girl over in the corner? Anastasia? You get a dance from her yet? You wouldn't believe the things she can do with both hands tied behind her back- what a crush job she is. Damn I love BYOB strip clubs."


3. A very long and straight tee shot on the golf course.

Example: "You only had 185 yards in for your second shot on #17? That's a par 5! Crush job, dude. Hey, you wanna go to the Outhouse later tonight? Damn I love BYOB strip clubs."


Also, when writing this post, I checked for 'crush job' on urban dictionary, and sure enough, there was this entry:

The act of crushing a man's testicles to give yourself or the recipient immense sexual pleasure. Nutcrackers and cymbals may also be used if the "CJer" cannot execute the technique properly. WARNING!!! One can be involuntarily crushed by having sexual intercourse with a woman weighing over five hundred pounds.

Needless to say, that is NOT my intended meaning. And I'd love to meet the man who receives immense sexual pleasure from getting his balls (singular in my case) crushed by nutcrackers and cymbals.

So go ahead and use it if you want. It's sweeping the nation. And by nation, I mean a small group of dudes in Lawrence, Kansas. Same thing, really.

What's In The Bawwwwwwwwx?

The greatest icing I've been involved in so far:

I get a voicemail from a strange phone number last Friday afternoon, about 2 pm. "Hi....Jim? This is Deborah from the United States Geological Survey here in Lawrence, and, ummmm.....we've got a cooler here with your name on it. We're gonna be closing our offices early today, so hopefully you can get here in the next half hour to get your, um, cooler."

Wondering if this is some sort of a mistake (3% chance) or some prank that my asshole friends are playing on me (97%) I call Deborah back, and she explains that their organization does a lot of soil samples, etc. etc. and are constantly mailing coolers to each other with their findings, but rarely receive coolers on behalf of individuals such as myself. I quickly try to apologize, but she is laughing and totally cool with everything. She rattles my cooler around over the phone, and tells me that it sounds like its contents are "a little something for the football game tomorrow." She tells me she'll leave the cooler outside their front door, and to make sure and have fun.

I pick up the cooler after work, but don't open it. At this point, I'm figuring that it is the case of Michelob Golden Light that I requested Gangel bring down with him from Omaha (I know most of my friends still living up north don't take it for granted, but for the rest of you up there: treasure that beer as long as you live in one of the seven or so states that sell it. You have no idea how much you'll miss it when it's gone.) I wait to open it until Gangel arrives that evening, and it's not until we're standing in my kitchen and I'm literally cutting the duct tape off the cooler that it dawns on me: this is going to be a Smirnoff, and I'm about to be the victim of an overnight Fedex icing.

Sure enough, it was a single Smirnoff packed in about 8 pounds of ice. To top things off, Gangel taped a homemade message on the inside of the lid, referencing the end of the movie Seven where Brad Pitt's wife's head is in the box. (Also referencing a clip from this video, which continues to be hilarious to me. By my count, this is the third time I've linked to it, and don't bet that it will be the last.) It turns out that Gangel really mailed it to my address, but probably due to the return address (Gangel's company) being somewhat similar to the USGS, and the fact that they are regularly shipping and receiving coolers, it got mailed there by accident.

So as it turns out, my package at the USGS was both a mistake AND a prank from my asshole friends. The rare daily double. Pretty good ice, bro.





One other note from the weekend: Lane, Gangel and I wore some UND gear for the NDSU/KU football game. As Happy Gilmore would say: talk about your all-time backfires. The NDSU fans in attendance knew what we were trying to do (when some came by and trash-talked us, Lane dropped one of the best lines I've heard in a while: "What do you guys know about winning?" It's not particularly vicious, but it's still spectacular. What comeback can you use there?? Although that kid would've had a pretty good comeback approximately three hours later, but we don't need to rehash the worst loss in KU football history.)

However, out of the KU fans, I'd say 25% knew what our intentions were in wearing the shirts; 25% didn't understand/didn't ask; and 50% thought we were cheering for NDSU. At the bar after the game, after the 37th KU fan came up to us and either a) congratulated our program on a big win, or b) told us to go fuck ourselves, we finally just said fuck it and stopped correcting people. It's not that I expect everyone in the country to be well-versed in North Dakota college rivalries, but holy hell. My shirt didn't even say the words 'North Dakota' on it, it had a giant fucking Sioux logo on the front- but it was green, so apparently that means it's NDSU. One middle-aged guy, after being told that UND was different from NDSU, actually exclaimed, "You mean you guys have TWO universities up there?!?!?! Holy fuckin' shit!"

Maybe I gave KU football fans too much credit.

Wesleyyyyyyyyyy!

>> I'm mildly unexcited about my fantasy football team this year (the Double Deuces, team logo pictured above.) Partly because the draft didn't go exactly how I would've liked- I had a huge boner for Aaron Rodgers this year, and typically, Lane took him one spot in front of me, only to put him on the trading block immediately after the draft; and partly because I can't get over how amazing my team was last year point-wise, and all I got to show for it was a 7-7 regular season and a first-round exit. I'll never have a fantasy team that unstoppable in a 12-team league ever again (Chris Johnson, Andre Johnson, Brandon Marshall, Tony Romo in a good year, Packer's defense, etc.) and that realization sunk in during our draft this year.

I'm happy that I got Romo again; that semi-gamble paid off for me huge last year, so he'll always get free pancakes at my house. I love that I was able to get Jahvid Best and Kevin Kolb late in the draft, both to be used as trade bait (I'll be surprised if Kolb is still on my roster by week 10) and as a rookie sleeper to help my own team (I'll be surprised if Best is not starting for me by week 10.) I hate that Lane took Rodgers at #7, I thought for sure he'd be there for me at #8. I hate that my best running back is Frank Gore (he might have a good year, but I don't trust him at all.) I hate that I didn't get the Packer's defense, who I've quietly drafted the last few years, and is always an awesome D to have- they give up yards in bunches, but ALWAYS force turnovers, and return picks for scores every other game it seems like.

On one hand, I love that my boy Chris Johnson is (arguably) the best back in the league, and the proud owner of the coveted 99 overall ranking in Madden this year....but on the other hand, I hate it, since I had absolutely no chance of drafting him this year. I drafted him his rookie year when I knew he was gonna be a good sleeper, and I snagged him again last year, then took crap from everyone when I said he was gonna be the best player in the league. Kinda the stupid feeling you have when you find an awesome underground band, and you love them before everyone else, then they blow up and go mainstream and you get pissed at all their new fans. I dunno, maybe it's just that I've never had a favorite player who was anywhere close to the best player in his respective league (my favorite KU player this year is Brady Morningstar, for fuck's sake.)


>> Finn Leedahl is officially walking now. This is awesome because A) it's fun to watch, 2) he can feed me popcorn, and d) we're now one step closer (no pun intended) to him learning to talk and us being able to teach him stupid things to say. Get psyched, Finn.


>> Hey, have you read the fake twitter account of someone pretending to be Mickey Rourke? Quality. High quality. Maybe the best fake twitter account I've seen.


>> College football starts tomorrow, which means little to nothing for me from a football standpoint, but everything from a tailgating standpoint. NDSU (my alma mater's hated rival) comes down to Lawrence for the opener this year, so I look forward to booing the shit out of them- from the confines of the tailgating area, of course. It's pretty rare that I get to rep UND down here, so I look forward to the opportunity. Plus the Gangel Express in coming in from Omaha, so let the shitshow begin. This is my excited face.

Happy Friday.

What About Brian

That last top 5 list I made was a complete failure. Forgetting What About Brian is inexusable. I have no idea why I didn't think of it.....alcohol's a hell of a drug.

So as penance to a wonderful show, I am dedicating an entire post to it, instead of it being part of a list. The reasons why What About Brian is my favorite show that got cancelled too soon:

1. The eye candy. Unparalleled in network TV. In the main cast, you had Sarah Lancaster (from Saved by the Bell: The New Class) looking diabolically hot as a brunette, and Amanda Detmer (the nun in Saving Silverman) looking mildly saucy as well. Then, the guest stars. Season 1 featured Marguerite Moreau (Wet Hot American Summer, The O.C., Connie from the Mighty Ducks, and she's probably on my Mount Rushmore of all-time crushes.) In Season 2, the incomparable Tiffani Thiesen shows up, as well as Stacy Keibler, Rachel Lefevre, and Krista Allen (commence googling now.)

2. The theme song. If this little gem doesn't get stuck in your head for the next 10-14 days immediately upon listening to it, then you're a better man than I. "Calling all friends, people I met on the way down....."

3. The plot. Few shows ran through ridiculous plots in a short time frame like What About Brian did. My personal favorite one was Adam getting left at the altar, then immediately turning around and marrying a stripper in Vegas- apparently they shared quite a connection during the lap dance at his bachelor party. Take that, Marjorie, you bitch! I'm so over you!

4. The memories. This show gets a bump because of the good times we had watching it at Culligan Manor. While Horp was living on our couch and we were employing the dual-TV living room, there was normally a 97% chance that sports were playing on both TV's....except for What About Brian nights. Every one of us fell for that show hook, line, and sinker. Good times.

5. Barry Watson playing the lead role of Brian. I'm not saying he's the worst actor of all time....but I'm not saying he isn't.

The Top 5. Volume 13.

I clicked on a link the other day that insinuated that Parks & Recreation, one of the funniest shows on TV right now, was going to be cancelled before next season. The article turned out not to have a shred of truth to it, but it didn't stop me from wildly overreacting for about 15 minutes until I found the truth. However, it did get me thinking about my top five favorite TV shows that were cancelled too soon.

Clarifications: I'm not including either Freaks and Geeks or Arrested Development on this list, which would probably be most people's top two. Everyone who has watched even 30 seconds of Arrested Development knows that it was cancelled too soon (especially if that 30 seconds was within the episode with Gob's expensive suit) so let's all just agree it goes in the #1 spot and be done with that. And Freaks and Geeks....I never watched it when it was new on TV, but I've watched most of the first season over the last couple weeks....to be honest, I don't see what all the fuss is about. Despite Judd Apatow, Jason Segel, Seth Rogen, James Franco, Martin Starr, etc. etc. being involved, I give it a 6 out of 10. Maybe it was funnier in 1999?

I would also listen to arguments for Saved by the Bell: The College Years, because I never thought that show got a fair shot. But maybe I'm only saying that because I've only seen those episodes like five times each, as opposed to the 25 times each I've seen the rest of them, and that's why I remember it fondly, as they're relatively fresh, compared to the rest of that series. Anyways, the top 5:



5. Ed. Despite this being my favorite show of all time, I can't put it any higher than number 5. While I would have obviously loved for it to continue forever.....for the most part, it had a story to tell, and it told it. Ed finally bagged Carol Vescey (who continues to get hotter with every year that goes by. I used to think that she had peaked during Ed, but have you seen her in Modern Family? I mean, shit.) After that, the show lost some of its luster, and was dangerously close to jumping the shark. So it gets a token spot on the list, but that's all I can do.




4. Twin Peaks. I am a monstrous David Lynch fan. Mulholland Drive is one of my all-time favorite movies. That movie fucked my mind for weeks on end. Twin Peaks should have been his masterpiece, but of course the network got involved, and it came to a screeching halt after two seasons. While the ending was pretty cool, I guarantee Lynch could've kept the party going for a lot longer. The Red Room scene with the backwards-talking man (later parodied by The Simpsons during the Who Shot Mr. Burns? episode) is one of my favorite "What the fuck just happened?" scenes ever.




3. Love Monkey. Never in my life have I been more excited for the debut of a show than for this one. Tom Cavanagh (the title character from the aforementioned Ed) and Jason Priestley (the irreplaceable Brandon Walsh from Beverly Hills 90210) together in one show! The top two in my list all of all-time favorite TV characters!--although that list would be completely re-done if I made it today. Corey Mathews has no place in the top 5, and having Brandon over Zack Morris is inexusable, borderline sacriligious. However, Love Monkey only lasted THREE FUCKING EPISODES, CBS pulled the plug, and I never trusted TV again (hence my overreaction to Parks & Rec potentially being shut down.) In fact, that was the breaking point for me and TV. Ever since then, I'm not heartbroken if I don't watch a show live every week. I'll wait a year, buy the DVD's, and watch them like that. Too many shows get cancelled without warning, and my heart can't take it. The one silver lining: my friendship with Alfonso blossomed like a beautiful flower during the six week run of Love Monkey (VH1 later re-broadcast three more filmed-but-not-aired episodes) as we gathered with our girlfriends at the time to watch the show. So we've got that going for us....which is nice.




2. Sifl & Olly. The greatest show starring sock puppets of all time. So, so stupid....yet so, so hilarious. The scenes with Precious Roy still make me giggle to the point of tears. I have some serious-ass laughter problems. Whatever, I don't really know how to describe this show. Either you're going to love it, or you're going to think it's one of the stupidest shows of all time. I belong to the first group. For those of you who really enjoy some Precious Roy (Lane, Schne, Kos at the very least) I found this clip- seven minutes of pure Precious. Enjoy. You kids better pay for that lap dance! The people at the bank call me Marty!




1. Clone High. I watched this show fairly often when it was new in 2002, and admittedly, I was mildly unimpressed. In truth, the only thing I remembered from it through the years was this scene, which I was looking for a couple months ago on youtube. After I found it, I started watching a few other clips, one thing led to another, and I ended up re-watching the entire series on youtube over the span of a few months. And it was tremendous. Very cleverly written, and I LOL'd (laughed out loud, to the layman) at least twice every episode. I didn't remember it being that awesome at all originally, and now I'm retroactively pissed off that it got the axe so soon. But yet we're going on Season One Million of The Real World. Damn MTV communists.

Mom, Jimmy Brooks, Johnny Damon

>> A couple weeks ago, my Mom became the last person on Earth to finally get a cell phone. She (obviously) does a pretty good job of resisting new technology, and when I was younger, she attacked video games like Tipper Gore attacked inappropriate music lyrics**. So it's been extremely entertaining lately to picture her face after I send her texts like "U R ez to luv! :)"

Not surprisingly, I've been getting a lot of responses that are just a question mark.

**Really the only reason we didn't get along so well when I was growing up. Now that I'm long moved out of the house, and she doesn't personally see how much time I waste creating players and simulating Tecmo Super Bowl seasons, or doing Super MarioKart time trials, or beating Streets of Rage for the millionth time, our relationship is pretty good. My favorite fight of ours ever ended with her calling the Nintendo 64 an 'idiot box', me screaming "Don't EVER talk about N64 that way!" and then getting out of the car and slamming the door in her face, as Bergman tried not to bust out laughing. Thanks for the ride to school, MOM.

>> I refuse to admit that hip-hop artist Drake is any good. (Besides the fact that, as I've mentioned a bunch of times before, I think all mainstream hip-hop sucks these days. Remember when MTV featured Tupac, Dre, Biggie, Snoop, etc.? Now two of those four are (allegedly) dead, Dre has been "in the process of releasing" his latest CD since 2004, and Snoop is rapping in Katy Perry songs. Tupac would be spinning in his grave if he hadn't faked his death.) So putting all that aside, I just cannot take Drake seriously. Why? Because I know him from the cheesy Canadian version of Saved by the Bell-- Degrassi: The Next Generation. (For the sake of the discussion, we're going to ignore the fact that I regularly watch such a nerdy show, as it might hurt my credibility when claiming that Drake is the real nerd.)

Are there other examples from older generations? For example, I am juuuust a little too young for Mark Wahlberg's stint as Marky Mark to have affected me. I wasn't aware enough yet to realize how brutal he and his Funky Bunch were, and so his subsequent career as an actor is untarnished in my mind. But for someone like ten years older, do they think Mark Wahlberg the actor is a joke? Do our grandparents think Ronald Reagan was a ridiculous president? (That will be another hilarious example, years from now, when a whole generation of kids think of Arnold as the Governor of California, not the Terminator.) Are there other older examples? Anyways, for me, Drake will never be a great rapper, no matter how big he gets....he'll just be Jimmy, the kid who spent most of high school in a wheelchair after he was the victim in a school shooting at Degrassi.





>> Johnny Damon....wow. Just the possibility of him coming back to the Sox has me floored. I have always held a huge grudge on Damon for leaving (although I still inexplicably love Manny with all my heart) and part of me still boos the shit out of him every time he comes to the plate.....but I don't know, it would be nice to welcome him back and make some new memories, so I don't have to watch Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS every three weeks to make myself feel good again. Stay tuned, I guess.

When Keepin' It Real Goes Wrong

The other day at the golf course, as we walked up to the tee box, a large butterfly started following me around, flying around my face and generally just gettin' all up in my shit. It literally swarmed me the entire time as I was awaiting my turn to hit. As I stood over my ball to tee off, this butterfly was still fucking with me, and it's been like three minutes straight, so by now everyone in my group is giggling a little bit. I should've backed off the shot, but I figured I could just ignore it. Wrong. Right during my backswing, it flies directly in front of my eyes, and since I'm not Tiger Woods and don't have the strength/muscle control to pull off this little move, I flinch, finish my swing, and hit my drive something like 75 yards straight and 200 yards left. Butterfly 1, Jum 0.

I didn't care too much about my score anymore (it was like my 25th hole of the day, and the axles were rattling a little bit on my second round) so as everyone is now falling over laughing, I unleash a torrent of curse words (Hey! Also like Tiger!) and pretend chase the butterfly around with my driver.

And here, family, friends and well-wishers, is where I take the joke too far. I swing my club at it (missing it completely, don't worry animal lovers) and my driver hits the ground, handle end first. The impact cracks the shaft, somehow down at the opposite end by the driver head. Replacement shaft: $86, plus shipping. Butterfly 2, Jum 0.

On the plus side, I have picked up a few new nicknames: 'Butterfly'- a little obvious and a little unimaginative, but it still stings when they say it; 'Tramp Stamp'- since a lot of girls get butterfly tattoos on their lower backs; and 'Muhammad Ali'- float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.....get it? I've been hearing quite a lot of "Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly!" lately, and also, when I walked into the shop the other day, I was greeted with this song, which I hadn't heard since like 2002....and it still sucks just as bad now as it did then. Probably more.

**********

Completely unrelated: when I was looking on youtube for Tiger stopping his swing, there was a video where some old lady smokes a bird with her tee shot. Clicking on that opened up a Pandora's Box of videos of animals getting destroyed by cars, motorcycles, rabid dogs, etc. etc. And before I knew what had happened, 40 minutes had gone by and my lunch break was pretty much done. When you get right down to it, I don't know if anything in the world is funnier than an up close view of a deer getting splattered into a million pieces by a cop car. Call me cruel if you must.

Happy Friday and all that stuff. Don't wear a C, and J all over your B's.

T-t-t-talkin 'Bout My G-g-g-generation

Our generation is growing generally douchier by the year. Can you imagine bouncing your grandkid on your knee and telling him about your life? Here's three scenarios where our grandparents earn infinitely more respect than we will......

1. Love & romance/"how I met your mother" stories:

2010 example: Well, your grandmother and I grew up next door to each other. Our houses were the only farmsteads for miles in any direction, and so we spent almost every minute of our childhood together. We had our first kiss at age 14, and eight months later we were married. We dropped out of high school to start up the family business, and we haven't spent a night apart in 58 years now.

2060 example: So, we're at this dance club one night. I see this girl wearing a REALLY low-cut shirt- your grandmom had a fantastic rack back in the day- and I just had to grind on her for a little bit. After I bought her a bunch of jag bombs and we made out on the dance floor, we started talking, and she was super annoying. Dumb as a box of rocks. Plus, by this time, I really wanted to bang her friend (who I later found out was actually her sister- and also, that I HAD already banged her, at some party a few years earlier, but really, I'm supposed to remember every single girl I've ever smashed?) So after hitting the Taco Bell drive thru, I end up taking her back to my place, cause fuck it, you know? She was the best available that night, plus I get really horny after I eat a couple of Crunchwrap Supremes. Don't ask me why. We did it a few times, she left in the morning, and I gave her a fake phone number. She actually got my email address from the school directory to get in contact with me (turns out she had a pregnancy scare and she wanted me to know it was possibly mine) but it turned out to be a false alarm. We bumped into each other a couple of months later at a frat party, and we banged a few more times over the next couple of weeks. Soon after, she got thrown out of her apartment for not paying rent, so I let her crash at my place for awhile. One thing led to another, and the rest, as they say, is history. Speaking of, have you talked to your Grandmom lately? Is she still dating that aerobics instructor, Brad or whatever? That guy is such a douche. Man, that divorce killed me financially, I'm still paying out the nose for that.


2. Social media/"whatever happened to that person?" stories?

2010 example: Rose McDonald? My, my.....now that's a name I haven't heard for a long time. We were pretty hot and heavy for a while there, then I got shipped off to Normandy to fight those damn dirty Nazis. She saw me off that day, promised me she'd wait for me as long as it took. She stood on the pier and waved goodbye to me....and that was the last I ever saw of her. She sent me a Dear John letter about three weeks later, and I haven't spoken to her in 67 years now. Rose McDonald....I hope she's doing well.

2060 example: Tiffany Kelly? Yeah we used to be friends with benefits just after college. What is she doing now? Well, let's see......she spent some time in the Florida Keys this summer, I was creeping on some of her pictures on Facebook of her with her grandchildren on summer vacation....damn, she's aged horribly. And according to her twitter, she is "sitting on the porch, enjoying a nice cold iced tea." Sooooo yeah, that's what she's up to, at least as of 18 minutes ago. I'm pretty sure she sent me a booty text a couple weeks ago, but I deleted her number, so I'm not positive it was her. It definitely resembled her style of booty texting though. Spelling and grammar mistakes fucking everywhere. Tiffany Kelly....god she loved to put out.


3. Music/"what did you listen to when you were young?" stories

2010 example: I still remember when my dad, your great-grandfather, brought home our first radio. The whole family gathered around in the living room and listened. At first you could hardly believe that there were voices coming out of that magic box, but soon we grew accustomed to it, and I spent hours sitting in front of the radio, just listening. Duke Ellington, Bing Crosby, Dizzie Gillespie....they were all there. You could actually feel the birth of the music scene, almost literally overnight. It was just an exciting time to be alive.

2030 example: My friends and I were living out of a van in 1969, just kinda hanging out and following The Grateful Dead around the country as they toured, and yeah, there was a fair amount of drugs involved- that was the era, you know. Anyway, we heard about this new concert called 'Woodstock'; we didn't know much about it, but we figured hell, we don't have anything else to do this month- let's drive to New York. So we went, and it turned out to be the greatest three days of my life. Janis Joplin, The Who, CCR, Hendrix.....they were all there. You could actually feel the music scene change, almost literally overnight. It was just an exciting time to be alive.

2060 example: Did you know that MTV used to actually play music videos? Yep, 'MTV' actually stands for Music Television. Bet you didn't know that, huh? This guy named Carson Daly had this show, we used to race home from school every day to watch it. People from all over the country would vote on what videos they wanted to see, and Carson would play them for us! Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, Limp Bizkit, NSYNC....they were all there. You could actually feel the music scene change, almost literally overnight. It was just an exciting time to be alive.

***************

Although, by 2060, our grandkids will probably be booting black tar heroin and having unprotected sex by 4th grade, so this might not turn out to be such a big deal.

Nothing Like A Little Technotronic On A Wednesday

If you all would be so kind, I need a little help settling a bet. A few of the golf course guys and I got into a ridiculous argument the other day, as we are wont to do while golfing/working in the pro shop. While the vast majority of these friendly discussions deal with either sports or movies, this one was music-related. The question: which Technotronic song is better, 'Pump Up the Jam' or 'Move This'?

I've always been partial to 'Pump Up the Jam' myself. Freshman year in the dorms, I used to wake Paul up some mornings by peeling back his home-made bed curtain and dancing to this song; often times he would enthusiastically bounce out of bed and join me. It was all very erotic and sexually confusing. However, the days of wake-up call dance sessions ended violently when, while trying to emulate Christopher Walken in the 'Weapon of Choice' video, I tried to jump on a chair and gracefully tilt it to the ground, and instead face-planted into the floor and nearly kicked the chair into my laptop. (Side note: Paul only had to have a curtain around his bed because I refused to turn off the lights or keep my music quiet until midnight, as back then I steadfastly believed that going to bed before midnight was "like quitting on a day before it was over." So I was kind of a dick. Then again, Paul passed out in the shower and flooded the entire wing; projectile vomited across the entire room; and brought The Most Annoying Girl on the Planet back to our room and made out with her for like seven hours while we played video games five feet away from them....so we'll call it even.)

Just for the record, I don't dislike 'Move This' or anything- nay, I think it's a fantastic song to get down to- I just think 'Pump Up the Jam' is better. It's kind of a Billy Madison, "I disagree. Mortal Kombat is a very good game, but Donkey Kong is better" situation.

So please give me your vote. And don't say "Neither. Technotronic sucks." To paraphrase Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers, you and I both know that Technotronic is a phenomenal group. Now I know you're lying through your teeth.

Goddammit, Charlie

Wanna know how I've been ending all my conversations (with friends, for reasons that will become obvious) lately?





This makes me laugh wayyyy harder than it should, probably because we went through a huge phase in high school (like most ridiculous things in high school, I believe it was started by Haley) where we used initials in stupid phrases like this all the time. Stuff like "R me in the B" (rape me in the butt), "go have S with your M" (go have sex with your mother), "F yourself in the D.H." (fuck yourself in the dickhole), etc. etc. In fact, to this day, Lane still ends every phone conversation with me by saying "G.P.O.Y.P." (go poop on your penis, to the layman.)

But we never came up with anything as awesome as "don't wear a C, and J all over your B's." Only Charlie could drop one that hilarious.

The Office has been my official favorite show for the last four years, but this is the closest that any other show has come to challenging for that title. And from what I've heard about the last season of The Office, compared to last season of It's Always Sunny, I think we might have a new champion once I buy last season's DVDs and get caught up next month.

Shit No, Man. I Believe You Get Your Ass Kicked Saying Something Like That, Man.

Exchange between random girl and I from this weekend:

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I'm in construction.

Her: Really? You are? You're not very big....aren't construction workers usually pretty strong?

Me, ignoring this insult because I'm so excited for this line: I gotta wake my ass up at 6 a.m. every day this week and drag myself up to Overland Park. Yeah, I'm doing the drywall up there at the new McDonald's.

~five seconds of confused silence~

Her: Seriously, your hands are like completely smooth.


It would be nice if sometimes when I'm wingmanning, the girl was actually fun to talk to....but then I guess if she was, then that would probably be the girl that my buddy was actually going for. Although she did give me a pretty good zinger by calling me out on not having any muscles- so maybe I'm the idiot, since I'm ready to write her off because she didn't get a somewhat obscure Office Space reference. Either way, really.

Under Pressure (Of The Peer Variety)

It is well documented that I have trouble saying no to plans. I am pretty easily peer pressured into doing things, and I hate disappointing people, even if it's about the last thing I want to be doing at that moment. It was easier the first couple years I lived in Lawrence, as my friend group was considerably smaller than it was during college in Grand Forks. I had plenty of nights with nothing going on, so I was ready to rock when shenanigans presented themselves to me. But now I'm kinda at a point again where I have a bunch of different friend groups (not trying to toot my own horn here, just bein' real witch'ya) so there's always something going on, and once again I'm constantly on the go. However, as opposed to my college days, I'm older and more of a pussy now, so there are plenty of instances where I'd much rather sit around and watch seven hours' worth of It's Always Sunny episodes rather than belly up to a bar at 2 pm on a Sunday afternoon. So since I struggle to say no verbally, I end up flushing a lot of phone calls.

And because my friends are assholes, me refusing to answer my phone on Sunday leads to them ordering up a bouquet of 'Get Well Soon' balloons and having them delivered to my office, since I must be really sick if I'm unable to return any phone calls from a Sunday Funday. And now everyone in my office has been laughing at the story all day long; I had to tell the backstory to about 12 different employees (with good reason; it is pretty funny. I get jokes.)

And I came across a realization: part of the reason I can't say no to anything is because my friends make it so hard to say no. For most people, refusing plans goes something like this:

"Hey, we're going to grab some beers after golf today- you in?"
"Nahhh, it sounds like fun, but I'm pretty hungover, I'll probably just chill out tonight, take care of some stuff at home, I'll get at you guys tomorrow though."
"Aight man, sounds good. I mean, you did have like 19 beers and smoked three cigars last night- you probably are feeling pretty rough. Have a good night dude."

But for me, it goes more like this:

"Hello?"
"Jimmaaaayyyyyyyy! We're at Raffy's. Get over here now. WE. NEED. THIS!!"
"Shit dude, I'm so hung today it's stupid. Plus I have to work at the course tomorrow morning....count me out."
~muffled noises, intelligible screaming in the background~ "What?!?! You pussy!! Just get over here, we need your jukebox skills! ~someone whispers something in the background~ Yeah, yeah, some chick just asked us if Adam Banks was making an appearance tonight. She's not real cute, but like that matters for you. So get over here, you homo!"
"Guys, seriously. I drank enough to kill a small Guatemalan family last night- and the last time I saw you, it was 4 am and you were getting a phone number from that one-legged girl with vomit on her shirt! How are you even out boozing right now?"
"Hey bro, sorry for partying! Just get over here in the next 20 minutes. Puss." ~click~

20 minutes later....

"Yeah. What do you guys want."
"Jimmaaayyyyyyy! Where you at dude? We're starting to get a little worried about you, it's not that long of a drive!"
"Yeah. I told you guys I'm staying in tonight."
~yelling in background about how much of a pussy I am~ "Banks, I don't think you understand. We need you here. So sack up, take the dick out of your ass, and get down to Raffy's. WE. NEED. THIS." ~someone in background: Adam Baaaaaaaanks! ~click~

20 minutes later the phone rings again. This time I flush the call. And then I get like 12 texties in the next seven minutes, all calling me different variations of the word 'vagina' before either a) they give up, or b) I cave and go meet them.

And this is why I end up saying yes to so many things. Partly because I'm easily influenced; and partly because I don't want to deal with the repercussions of saying no.

(Also, I've been driving around all week with a 'Barbershop Honor Society' license plate frame on my back license plate, after my buddies screwed it on since they know that I am currently sans toolbox, and thus can't take it off.)

In conclusion: my friends are dicks. Happy Friday.

What In The World Is In That Bag, What You Got In That Bag?

>> Does anybody remember the show Parker Lewis Can't Lose? I've been youtubing episodes on my lunch break the last few days, and it is still awesome. But it's a little bit creepy, since I literally haven't seen an episode since it went off the air in 1993 (c'mon, let's get some re-runs on the air! TBS, I'm looking in your direction) so the deja vu that sets in while I'm watching it is really tripping my balls off.


>> Some good Icings from the last week or so:

During softball, Jud hit a walk-off (inside-the-park) homer, and as we piled onto the field to celebrate, we presented him with a "Walk-off Ice, bro!" In a shocking display of immaturity (especially coming from someone who hands out Ices like adults hand out candy on Halloween) Jud threw the bottle about 20 yards and it shattered on the ground. So then we made him drink two, and really, he's lucky it wasn't more than that. Remember, kids: it's a gentlemen's game.

That same day at softball, Lane iced our umpire by telling him to check out the printed-on signature in the palm of his glove, when there was an Ice tucked inside. As we yelled "Ohhh shit, Rawlings Ice, bro!" the umpire chuckled, but politely declined, since his boss was watching our diamond at the time. Whoops. Sorry, bro.

Jefferson's had its annual wing-eating contest last week, and Lane (2007 and 2008 champ) was going for his third title. After eating 30 wings in five minutes and successfully reclaiming the throne after missing the contest in 2009, Lane was accepting his applause and posing for pictures when I iced him. However, later that night I got iced two seperate times (my friends love to pick on me; I've probably been iced almost as much as everyone else put together) in what we're calling the "Morgan Freeman Ice." Referencing this video, yes I'm linking to it again, it's hilarious. "Ohhhh no! Morgan Freeman, we iced you twice!"


>> To everyone who I told that the new Robert Randolph & the Family Band CD sucked, please disregard that. It was a snap judgment after only listening to it once. I've since listened to it numerous times, and while it's not the typical rollicking Big Show Bob I know and love, it definitely doesn't "suck." And it brings up an interesting phenomenon with me: every single time I listen to an album for the first time, I either dislike it, or feel indifferent towards it.

Por ejemplo, when I bought the Vampire Weekend CD a couple months ago, I rolled through it once quickly and thought "Meh. It's OK, I guess, but their first album was way better." Now I think it's my favorite album of the last five years. The weird thing is this never applies to individual songs, only entire albums. The first time I heard 'Hey Soul Sister' by Train last summer, it made me fall in love with every single woman I laid eyes on for the next three weeks. Once I heard it while sitting at stop light downtown, and I almost got out of my car to go make out with the hippie sitting on the corner selling hemp bracelets and looking like she hadn't showered since 2002. So needless to say, I can totally enjoy an individual song the first time I hear it....just not entire albums. Does this make sense? Am I just being totally weird here? Does this happen to anyone else?

Diatribe Of A Fat Kid, Or: Fooooooooooood!

Verdict on the Double Down: deeeeeeeeeelicious. Maybe it was because my expectations were slightly lowered by everyone else's disappointment with it, or maybe because INSTEAD OF BREAD IT HAS FUCKING FRIED CHICKEN, but either way, I thought it was magical.

{However, I couldn't exactly call it filling. In addition to the Double Down, I also ate a Snack Bowl (fried chicken, corn, cheese, and mashed potatoes) two Crispy Snackers, and was halfway done with my third Snacker when I suddenly got a mental image of myself and put the Snacker down and cried for about ten minutes. It was very similar to the time freshman year I was pregaming in Kos and Schne's dorm room watching them play Dr. Mario. I had a Schmidt's in one hand, a giant cookie dough log in the other, and I caught a glance of myself in their full-length mirror on the opposite wall. It was life-altering, and I've never eaten an entire cookie dough log since. However, I did continue drinking Schmidt's for another 18 months or so. What do you want from me.

Back to Wednesday: about 15 minutes later I finished off the third Snacker. It just looked too good to be sitting there uneaten. A 12 dollar order at KFC, gone just like that. Lord, I am so fat and lonely.}


My top 5 all-time favorite fast food items:

Honorable mentions: turkey grinder with taco meat from Red Pepper (before all my Grand Forks friends yell at me for not having it in the top 5, I disqualified it since I have to have a couple of cheese tostadas with it, so it doesn't stand up on its own)......Crunchwrap Supreme from Taco Bell (but only after I've had at least 11 beers; when I'm anywhere near sober they're kinda gross).....Bootlegger with cheese at Jimmy John's.....Breakfast burrito at Qdoba.

5. The Double Down. Seems like a good spot for now. This might be a little too high, since I've been daydreaming of nothing else for the last 42 hours, but we'll see. Seriously, that sauce they put in there? So good. I'm calling it the Lebowski Rug Sauce, since it really ties the sandwich together.

4. Footlong roast beef (with lettuce, onions, pickles, salt & pepper, and one line of mayo, on white bread) from Subway. In truth, I've only eaten this sandwich like two or three times in the last three or four years. Somewhere along the line, I became a Jimmy John's guy over Subway, plus Lawrence has a ton of local sub shops that are better. But I couldn't have this list without it on here; that would be insulting to my childhood. I've eaten (and this is a conservative estimate) like 9,000 of these sandwiches in my life (OK, maybe it's not a conservative estimate, but fo' reals, I've eaten a lot of them.) My proudest moment was when I ate two footlongs in one sitting. I finished the first one, realized I was still really hungry, and went up and ordered another. I was embarrassed, so I ordered it to go and pretended like it was for someone else, then sat down and just got after it while Bergman, Schne, and Laura watched in amazement/disgust.

3. Six pack and a pound from Taco John's. Story time: something like five years ago, we had a Taco John's challenge, wherein we bought a shitload of tacos and tried to see how many we could eat in one hour. Every once else dropped out by like 9, 10, 12 tacos, but I kept going, and ended up eating 17. I ate about 11 for fun, numbers 12-13 were overkill, and 14-17 were absolute nightmares. So disgusting I can't put it into words. I spent the rest of the day mad at myself, thinking I just ruined Taco John's for me and my stomach for the rest of my life, since the thought of tacos grossed me out so much. Then, two days later, I ate a six pack and a pound for lunch. The point: I fucking love Taco John's.

2. Chili cheese wrap from Sonic. I talk about these enough; it's not necessary to go into more detail now. However, I will say that Sonic and I are feuding right now. It's not easy for me to talk about, but the last three times I've eaten there it's been decidedly mediocre. Maybe we're at the point in the relationship where I just found out Sonic doesn't like to give beejers, and she just ran into her ex at a bar and flirted with him for like 45 minutes while I was standing there, and we just need to take a little break.

1. Steak fajita burrito from Chipotle. I know I give Sonic most of the pub on the blog, but Chipotle burritos get me turned on like nothing else. I mean that in the most sexual way possible; I literally have an erection right now just thinking about them. It is less a meal than it is a religious experience. One of the most life-changing questions that has ever been asked to me was back in February 2004, when Schne and I road-tripped down to Lawrence for the first time, and his older brother asked us "Hey, have you guys ever eaten at a Chipotle before?" I went to my first KU game at Allen Fieldhouse for the first time in my life that trip, and it was probably only the second greatest moment- the greatest moment coming immediately after my first bite of a Chipotle burrito. I wish I was exaggerating.

Annnnnnd now I'm starving. Odds of me going out to eat for lunch today: high.

*************

Happy Friday and all that junk. I'll be "taking my talents" to Topeka this weekend for the Sunflower State Games. Last year, in between softball games, we boozed hard in the parking lot and listened to Jock Jams at high volumes. I was drinking vodka beers pretty aggressively, and was throwing up by the early afternoon. Just a nice little Sunday. This year, we're under a heat advisory warning (I didn't know those even existed- but I won't complain, it's better than a North Dakota winter) so that, combined with the amount of booze that our team consumes, and the over/under for team members being taken to the hospital is solidly set at 2.5. I'm not a betting man, but my money is on Lane going down first.

Seriously, I am STARVING right now.

Mo' Money Mo' Problems

I don't care if that dollar bill is photoshopped (and given the nature of the internet these days, I'm sure it is.) Real or not, that is just funny. Keep livin' the dream, Puffy.

It also reminds me of when I was 14 years old, bussing tables at Perkins, and one of my fellow busboys, one of the biggest wannabe gangstas in Grand Forks history, used to say things on payday like "Yo, like my man Puff Daddy would say- Mo' money mo' problems." Some of his other gems included "My daddy always taught me, stay low and keep firing" and "Elijah Muhammad once said (pause for effect): WE have a duty, as buspeople, to stick together. That's the only way we gonna come up." He also used to pantomime shooting a gun at our boss (who also happened to be his aunt) when she would turn her back to us, and everytime a cop car drove by with its lights on, he would either flop under a table or sprint to the kitchen, because, as he would put it, "Oh shit, they be comin' for me yo, they be comin' for me!" Also, every time a group of hot girls came in to eat, he would go into his 'pimp walk' where he would take one normal step, then drop his shoulder and literally drag his back foot behind him.....which I guess was supposed to make him look cool while he was simultaneously pushing a fucking buscart in front of him.

On the other hand, he did introduce me to the Wu-Tang Clan, and taught me cool slang like H.N.I.C. (Head Nigga in Charge).....so it's probably a wash.

Some days I miss being 14 years old more than others.

Double Down

You wonderful, glorious, ridiculous excuse for a sandwich. I have been putting you off for far too long. For reasons that are far too irrelevant. But no more, good sir. We are going to meet, very soon. And I am going to eat you. And you are going to be delicious. You have been on my mind for months, and soon you are going to be in my belly.

My mom always taught me that it's important to have goals. This week, I have only one.