Tuesday, August 31, 2010

What About Brian

That last top 5 list I made was a complete failure. Forgetting What About Brian is inexusable. I have no idea why I didn't think of it.....alcohol's a hell of a drug.

So as penance to a wonderful show, I am dedicating an entire post to it, instead of it being part of a list. The reasons why What About Brian is my favorite show that got cancelled too soon:

1. The eye candy. Unparalleled in network TV. In the main cast, you had Sarah Lancaster (from Saved by the Bell: The New Class) looking diabolically hot as a brunette, and Amanda Detmer (the nun in Saving Silverman) looking mildly saucy as well. Then, the guest stars. Season 1 featured Marguerite Moreau (Wet Hot American Summer, The O.C., Connie from the Mighty Ducks, and she's probably on my Mount Rushmore of all-time crushes.) In Season 2, the incomparable Tiffani Thiesen shows up, as well as Stacy Keibler, Rachel Lefevre, and Krista Allen (commence googling now.)

2. The theme song. If this little gem doesn't get stuck in your head for the next 10-14 days immediately upon listening to it, then you're a better man than I. "Calling all friends, people I met on the way down....."

3. The plot. Few shows ran through ridiculous plots in a short time frame like What About Brian did. My personal favorite one was Adam getting left at the altar, then immediately turning around and marrying a stripper in Vegas- apparently they shared quite a connection during the lap dance at his bachelor party. Take that, Marjorie, you bitch! I'm so over you!

4. The memories. This show gets a bump because of the good times we had watching it at Culligan Manor. While Horp was living on our couch and we were employing the dual-TV living room, there was normally a 97% chance that sports were playing on both TV's....except for What About Brian nights. Every one of us fell for that show hook, line, and sinker. Good times.

5. Barry Watson playing the lead role of Brian. I'm not saying he's the worst actor of all time....but I'm not saying he isn't.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Top 5. Volume 13.

I clicked on a link the other day that insinuated that Parks & Recreation, one of the funniest shows on TV right now, was going to be cancelled before next season. The article turned out not to have a shred of truth to it, but it didn't stop me from wildly overreacting for about 15 minutes until I found the truth. However, it did get me thinking about my top five favorite TV shows that were cancelled too soon.

Clarifications: I'm not including either Freaks and Geeks or Arrested Development on this list, which would probably be most people's top two. Everyone who has watched even 30 seconds of Arrested Development knows that it was cancelled too soon (especially if that 30 seconds was within the episode with Gob's expensive suit) so let's all just agree it goes in the #1 spot and be done with that. And Freaks and Geeks....I never watched it when it was new on TV, but I've watched most of the first season over the last couple weeks....to be honest, I don't see what all the fuss is about. Despite Judd Apatow, Jason Segel, Seth Rogen, James Franco, Martin Starr, etc. etc. being involved, I give it a 6 out of 10. Maybe it was funnier in 1999?

I would also listen to arguments for Saved by the Bell: The College Years, because I never thought that show got a fair shot. But maybe I'm only saying that because I've only seen those episodes like five times each, as opposed to the 25 times each I've seen the rest of them, and that's why I remember it fondly, as they're relatively fresh, compared to the rest of that series. Anyways, the top 5:

5. Ed. Despite this being my favorite show of all time, I can't put it any higher than number 5. While I would have obviously loved for it to continue forever.....for the most part, it had a story to tell, and it told it. Ed finally bagged Carol Vescey (who continues to get hotter with every year that goes by. I used to think that she had peaked during Ed, but have you seen her in Modern Family? I mean, shit.) After that, the show lost some of its luster, and was dangerously close to jumping the shark. So it gets a token spot on the list, but that's all I can do.

4. Twin Peaks. I am a monstrous David Lynch fan. Mulholland Drive is one of my all-time favorite movies. That movie fucked my mind for weeks on end. Twin Peaks should have been his masterpiece, but of course the network got involved, and it came to a screeching halt after two seasons. While the ending was pretty cool, I guarantee Lynch could've kept the party going for a lot longer. The Red Room scene with the backwards-talking man (later parodied by The Simpsons during the Who Shot Mr. Burns? episode) is one of my favorite "What the fuck just happened?" scenes ever.

3. Love Monkey. Never in my life have I been more excited for the debut of a show than for this one. Tom Cavanagh (the title character from the aforementioned Ed) and Jason Priestley (the irreplaceable Brandon Walsh from Beverly Hills 90210) together in one show! The top two in my list all of all-time favorite TV characters!--although that list would be completely re-done if I made it today. Corey Mathews has no place in the top 5, and having Brandon over Zack Morris is inexusable, borderline sacriligious. However, Love Monkey only lasted THREE FUCKING EPISODES, CBS pulled the plug, and I never trusted TV again (hence my overreaction to Parks & Rec potentially being shut down.) In fact, that was the breaking point for me and TV. Ever since then, I'm not heartbroken if I don't watch a show live every week. I'll wait a year, buy the DVD's, and watch them like that. Too many shows get cancelled without warning, and my heart can't take it. The one silver lining: my friendship with Alfonso blossomed like a beautiful flower during the six week run of Love Monkey (VH1 later re-broadcast three more filmed-but-not-aired episodes) as we gathered with our girlfriends at the time to watch the show. So we've got that going for us....which is nice.

2. Sifl & Olly. The greatest show starring sock puppets of all time. So, so stupid....yet so, so hilarious. The scenes with Precious Roy still make me giggle to the point of tears. I have some serious-ass laughter problems. Whatever, I don't really know how to describe this show. Either you're going to love it, or you're going to think it's one of the stupidest shows of all time. I belong to the first group. For those of you who really enjoy some Precious Roy (Lane, Schne, Kos at the very least) I found this clip- seven minutes of pure Precious. Enjoy. You kids better pay for that lap dance! The people at the bank call me Marty!

1. Clone High. I watched this show fairly often when it was new in 2002, and admittedly, I was mildly unimpressed. In truth, the only thing I remembered from it through the years was this scene, which I was looking for a couple months ago on youtube. After I found it, I started watching a few other clips, one thing led to another, and I ended up re-watching the entire series on youtube over the span of a few months. And it was tremendous. Very cleverly written, and I LOL'd (laughed out loud, to the layman) at least twice every episode. I didn't remember it being that awesome at all originally, and now I'm retroactively pissed off that it got the axe so soon. But yet we're going on Season One Million of The Real World. Damn MTV communists.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Mom, Jimmy Brooks, Johnny Damon

>> A couple weeks ago, my Mom became the last person on Earth to finally get a cell phone. She (obviously) does a pretty good job of resisting new technology, and when I was younger, she attacked video games like Tipper Gore attacked inappropriate music lyrics**. So it's been extremely entertaining lately to picture her face after I send her texts like "U R ez to luv! :)"

Not surprisingly, I've been getting a lot of responses that are just a question mark.

**Really the only reason we didn't get along so well when I was growing up. Now that I'm long moved out of the house, and she doesn't personally see how much time I waste creating players and simulating Tecmo Super Bowl seasons, or doing Super MarioKart time trials, or beating Streets of Rage for the millionth time, our relationship is pretty good. My favorite fight of ours ever ended with her calling the Nintendo 64 an 'idiot box', me screaming "Don't EVER talk about N64 that way!" and then getting out of the car and slamming the door in her face, as Bergman tried not to bust out laughing. Thanks for the ride to school, MOM.

>> I refuse to admit that hip-hop artist Drake is any good. (Besides the fact that, as I've mentioned a bunch of times before, I think all mainstream hip-hop sucks these days. Remember when MTV featured Tupac, Dre, Biggie, Snoop, etc.? Now two of those four are (allegedly) dead, Dre has been "in the process of releasing" his latest CD since 2004, and Snoop is rapping in Katy Perry songs. Tupac would be spinning in his grave if he hadn't faked his death.) So putting all that aside, I just cannot take Drake seriously. Why? Because I know him from the cheesy Canadian version of Saved by the Bell-- Degrassi: The Next Generation. (For the sake of the discussion, we're going to ignore the fact that I regularly watch such a nerdy show, as it might hurt my credibility when claiming that Drake is the real nerd.)

Are there other examples from older generations? For example, I am juuuust a little too young for Mark Wahlberg's stint as Marky Mark to have affected me. I wasn't aware enough yet to realize how brutal he and his Funky Bunch were, and so his subsequent career as an actor is untarnished in my mind. But for someone like ten years older, do they think Mark Wahlberg the actor is a joke? Do our grandparents think Ronald Reagan was a ridiculous president? (That will be another hilarious example, years from now, when a whole generation of kids think of Arnold as the Governor of California, not the Terminator.) Are there other older examples? Anyways, for me, Drake will never be a great rapper, no matter how big he gets....he'll just be Jimmy, the kid who spent most of high school in a wheelchair after he was the victim in a school shooting at Degrassi.

>> Johnny Damon....wow. Just the possibility of him coming back to the Sox has me floored. I have always held a huge grudge on Damon for leaving (although I still inexplicably love Manny with all my heart) and part of me still boos the shit out of him every time he comes to the plate.....but I don't know, it would be nice to welcome him back and make some new memories, so I don't have to watch Game 7 of the 2004 ALCS every three weeks to make myself feel good again. Stay tuned, I guess.

Friday, August 20, 2010

When Keepin' It Real Goes Wrong

The other day at the golf course, as we walked up to the tee box, a large butterfly started following me around, flying around my face and generally just gettin' all up in my shit. It literally swarmed me the entire time as I was awaiting my turn to hit. As I stood over my ball to tee off, this butterfly was still fucking with me, and it's been like three minutes straight, so by now everyone in my group is giggling a little bit. I should've backed off the shot, but I figured I could just ignore it. Wrong. Right during my backswing, it flies directly in front of my eyes, and since I'm not Tiger Woods and don't have the strength/muscle control to pull off this little move, I flinch, finish my swing, and hit my drive something like 75 yards straight and 200 yards left. Butterfly 1, Jum 0.

I didn't care too much about my score anymore (it was like my 25th hole of the day, and the axles were rattling a little bit on my second round) so as everyone is now falling over laughing, I unleash a torrent of curse words (Hey! Also like Tiger!) and pretend chase the butterfly around with my driver.

And here, family, friends and well-wishers, is where I take the joke too far. I swing my club at it (missing it completely, don't worry animal lovers) and my driver hits the ground, handle end first. The impact cracks the shaft, somehow down at the opposite end by the driver head. Replacement shaft: $86, plus shipping. Butterfly 2, Jum 0.

On the plus side, I have picked up a few new nicknames: 'Butterfly'- a little obvious and a little unimaginative, but it still stings when they say it; 'Tramp Stamp'- since a lot of girls get butterfly tattoos on their lower backs; and 'Muhammad Ali'- float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.....get it? I've been hearing quite a lot of "Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly!" lately, and also, when I walked into the shop the other day, I was greeted with this song, which I hadn't heard since like 2002....and it still sucks just as bad now as it did then. Probably more.


Completely unrelated: when I was looking on youtube for Tiger stopping his swing, there was a video where some old lady smokes a bird with her tee shot. Clicking on that opened up a Pandora's Box of videos of animals getting destroyed by cars, motorcycles, rabid dogs, etc. etc. And before I knew what had happened, 40 minutes had gone by and my lunch break was pretty much done. When you get right down to it, I don't know if anything in the world is funnier than an up close view of a deer getting splattered into a million pieces by a cop car. Call me cruel if you must.

Happy Friday and all that stuff. Don't wear a C, and J all over your B's.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

T-t-t-talkin 'Bout My G-g-g-generation

Our generation is growing generally douchier by the year. Can you imagine bouncing your grandkid on your knee and telling him about your life? Here's three scenarios where our grandparents earn infinitely more respect than we will......

1. Love & romance/"how I met your mother" stories:

2010 example: Well, your grandmother and I grew up next door to each other. Our houses were the only farmsteads for miles in any direction, and so we spent almost every minute of our childhood together. We had our first kiss at age 14, and eight months later we were married. We dropped out of high school to start up the family business, and we haven't spent a night apart in 58 years now.

2060 example: So, we're at this dance club one night. I see this girl wearing a REALLY low-cut shirt- your grandmom had a fantastic rack back in the day- and I just had to grind on her for a little bit. After I bought her a bunch of jag bombs and we made out on the dance floor, we started talking, and she was super annoying. Dumb as a box of rocks. Plus, by this time, I really wanted to bang her friend (who I later found out was actually her sister- and also, that I HAD already banged her, at some party a few years earlier, but really, I'm supposed to remember every single girl I've ever smashed?) So after hitting the Taco Bell drive thru, I end up taking her back to my place, cause fuck it, you know? She was the best available that night, plus I get really horny after I eat a couple of Crunchwrap Supremes. Don't ask me why. We did it a few times, she left in the morning, and I gave her a fake phone number. She actually got my email address from the school directory to get in contact with me (turns out she had a pregnancy scare and she wanted me to know it was possibly mine) but it turned out to be a false alarm. We bumped into each other a couple of months later at a frat party, and we banged a few more times over the next couple of weeks. Soon after, she got thrown out of her apartment for not paying rent, so I let her crash at my place for awhile. One thing led to another, and the rest, as they say, is history. Speaking of, have you talked to your Grandmom lately? Is she still dating that aerobics instructor, Brad or whatever? That guy is such a douche. Man, that divorce killed me financially, I'm still paying out the nose for that.

2. Social media/"whatever happened to that person?" stories?

2010 example: Rose McDonald? My, my.....now that's a name I haven't heard for a long time. We were pretty hot and heavy for a while there, then I got shipped off to Normandy to fight those damn dirty Nazis. She saw me off that day, promised me she'd wait for me as long as it took. She stood on the pier and waved goodbye to me....and that was the last I ever saw of her. She sent me a Dear John letter about three weeks later, and I haven't spoken to her in 67 years now. Rose McDonald....I hope she's doing well.

2060 example: Tiffany Kelly? Yeah we used to be friends with benefits just after college. What is she doing now? Well, let's see......she spent some time in the Florida Keys this summer, I was creeping on some of her pictures on Facebook of her with her grandchildren on summer vacation....damn, she's aged horribly. And according to her twitter, she is "sitting on the porch, enjoying a nice cold iced tea." Sooooo yeah, that's what she's up to, at least as of 18 minutes ago. I'm pretty sure she sent me a booty text a couple weeks ago, but I deleted her number, so I'm not positive it was her. It definitely resembled her style of booty texting though. Spelling and grammar mistakes fucking everywhere. Tiffany Kelly....god she loved to put out.

3. Music/"what did you listen to when you were young?" stories

2010 example: I still remember when my dad, your great-grandfather, brought home our first radio. The whole family gathered around in the living room and listened. At first you could hardly believe that there were voices coming out of that magic box, but soon we grew accustomed to it, and I spent hours sitting in front of the radio, just listening. Duke Ellington, Bing Crosby, Dizzie Gillespie....they were all there. You could actually feel the birth of the music scene, almost literally overnight. It was just an exciting time to be alive.

2030 example: My friends and I were living out of a van in 1969, just kinda hanging out and following The Grateful Dead around the country as they toured, and yeah, there was a fair amount of drugs involved- that was the era, you know. Anyway, we heard about this new concert called 'Woodstock'; we didn't know much about it, but we figured hell, we don't have anything else to do this month- let's drive to New York. So we went, and it turned out to be the greatest three days of my life. Janis Joplin, The Who, CCR, Hendrix.....they were all there. You could actually feel the music scene change, almost literally overnight. It was just an exciting time to be alive.

2060 example: Did you know that MTV used to actually play music videos? Yep, 'MTV' actually stands for Music Television. Bet you didn't know that, huh? This guy named Carson Daly had this show, we used to race home from school every day to watch it. People from all over the country would vote on what videos they wanted to see, and Carson would play them for us! Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, Limp Bizkit, NSYNC....they were all there. You could actually feel the music scene change, almost literally overnight. It was just an exciting time to be alive.


Although, by 2060, our grandkids will probably be booting black tar heroin and having unprotected sex by 4th grade, so this might not turn out to be such a big deal.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Nothing Like A Little Technotronic On A Wednesday

If you all would be so kind, I need a little help settling a bet. A few of the golf course guys and I got into a ridiculous argument the other day, as we are wont to do while golfing/working in the pro shop. While the vast majority of these friendly discussions deal with either sports or movies, this one was music-related. The question: which Technotronic song is better, 'Pump Up the Jam' or 'Move This'?

I've always been partial to 'Pump Up the Jam' myself. Freshman year in the dorms, I used to wake Paul up some mornings by peeling back his home-made bed curtain and dancing to this song; often times he would enthusiastically bounce out of bed and join me. It was all very erotic and sexually confusing. However, the days of wake-up call dance sessions ended violently when, while trying to emulate Christopher Walken in the 'Weapon of Choice' video, I tried to jump on a chair and gracefully tilt it to the ground, and instead face-planted into the floor and nearly kicked the chair into my laptop. (Side note: Paul only had to have a curtain around his bed because I refused to turn off the lights or keep my music quiet until midnight, as back then I steadfastly believed that going to bed before midnight was "like quitting on a day before it was over." So I was kind of a dick. Then again, Paul passed out in the shower and flooded the entire wing; projectile vomited across the entire room; and brought The Most Annoying Girl on the Planet back to our room and made out with her for like seven hours while we played video games five feet away from them....so we'll call it even.)

Just for the record, I don't dislike 'Move This' or anything- nay, I think it's a fantastic song to get down to- I just think 'Pump Up the Jam' is better. It's kind of a Billy Madison, "I disagree. Mortal Kombat is a very good game, but Donkey Kong is better" situation.

So please give me your vote. And don't say "Neither. Technotronic sucks." To paraphrase Vince Vaughn in Wedding Crashers, you and I both know that Technotronic is a phenomenal group. Now I know you're lying through your teeth.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Goddammit, Charlie

Wanna know how I've been ending all my conversations (with friends, for reasons that will become obvious) lately?

This makes me laugh wayyyy harder than it should, probably because we went through a huge phase in high school (like most ridiculous things in high school, I believe it was started by Haley) where we used initials in stupid phrases like this all the time. Stuff like "R me in the B" (rape me in the butt), "go have S with your M" (go have sex with your mother), "F yourself in the D.H." (fuck yourself in the dickhole), etc. etc. In fact, to this day, Lane still ends every phone conversation with me by saying "G.P.O.Y.P." (go poop on your penis, to the layman.)

But we never came up with anything as awesome as "don't wear a C, and J all over your B's." Only Charlie could drop one that hilarious.

The Office has been my official favorite show for the last four years, but this is the closest that any other show has come to challenging for that title. And from what I've heard about the last season of The Office, compared to last season of It's Always Sunny, I think we might have a new champion once I buy last season's DVDs and get caught up next month.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Shit No, Man. I Believe You Get Your Ass Kicked Saying Something Like That, Man.

Exchange between random girl and I from this weekend:

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I'm in construction.

Her: Really? You are? You're not very big....aren't construction workers usually pretty strong?

Me, ignoring this insult because I'm so excited for this line: I gotta wake my ass up at 6 a.m. every day this week and drag myself up to Overland Park. Yeah, I'm doing the drywall up there at the new McDonald's.

~five seconds of confused silence~

Her: Seriously, your hands are like completely smooth.

It would be nice if sometimes when I'm wingmanning, the girl was actually fun to talk to....but then I guess if she was, then that would probably be the girl that my buddy was actually going for. Although she did give me a pretty good zinger by calling me out on not having any muscles- so maybe I'm the idiot, since I'm ready to write her off because she didn't get a somewhat obscure Office Space reference. Either way, really.