Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Anyone Know Where The Panic Button Is?

...Because I would like to begin pressing it now. All season long I've stayed pretty calm regarding the Red Sox. There really hasn't been much reason to complain. Through injuries, career-worst slumps, more injuries, and the (ongoing) Julio Lugo Experience, the Sox have battled through and held one of the best records in baseball for most of the year. Throw in last year's championship, and yeah, by my standards, I'm chillin' like a villain (I honestly haven't heard that expression in like 8 years, did it look as stupid in print as it sounded in my head?)

Well that's all changing now. It's about that time of year when the Yankees make their charge, the Sox slump a little bit, I'm living and dying with every game, and when the Sox are televised, and it happens to be a close game in the late innings, I react like the dude at the end of the Blair Witch Project.

And now the Yankees picked up Demaso Marte, Xavier Nady, and Ivan Rodriguez for basically nothing (why the FUCK are the Yankees always the beneficiary of those kind of one-sided trades?!? Drives me absolutely ape shit bananas.) And the Angels got Mark Teixiera without breaking the bank. Meanwhile those two teams just took 5 of 6 from the Sox. The Rays show no signs of faltering. A playoff spot is in serious jeopardy. The water is officially boiling.

And then we come to the Manny situation. Lately, whenever I hear any sort of trade rumors, or the latest quote where Manny bashes the Red Sox front office, I have chosen to react like any rational 5-year-old would, by essentially putting my fingers in my ears and saying "la la la la la la if I can't hear it then it's not real." But there is no ignoring it anymore. He may get traded, he may not, but either way, there is officially a 0% chance of the Sox picking up their option on Manny in the off-season, meaning that even in the best case scenario, there are only 3 months left of Manny playing in Boston. I've lived in blissful, ignorant denial for almost a week now, but I'm gonna have to start wrapping my mind around it.

I have realized one thing these last few days, though. I unconditionally love Manny. In every sense of the word. Despite his incredibly childish behavior lately (even by his standards) I can't get mad at him. Unlike Johnny Damon, who I still boo every time he comes to the plate (I hold grudges well) Manny could sign with the Yankees and I would still love him. Damon is 10 times the professional that Manny is, but it just doesn't seem to matter. You'd be hard pressed to find an athlete in recent memory who has acted up so much in an effort to get out of his current situation...and it just doesn't affect how I feel about him. Can't explain it.

At this point, I don't know what Manny would have to do for me to not still love him. Start striking out on purpose? Let fly balls drop at his feet without moving? Spray paint "Go fuck yourself, Boston" on the Green Monster during a pitching change? Start shooting couples in parked cars like the Son of Sam? You got me. Manny is like the aging family dog that routinely pees on the carpet, and has recently started biting the neighborhood kids when they get too close, but I just can't bring myself to take him to the vet to put him down.

I guess the only thing I can ask at this point is for Manny to survive the trade deadline. The Sox come to Kansas City next week, and I would like to see him in a Boston uniform at least one more time in person. Please?

Monday, July 28, 2008

I Am Easily Swayed

I am on record as saying that although I love video games, it would be a long time before I upgraded from my Playstation 2, because quote "I don't need video games to be any more real than they already are." Hell, my Sega Genesis still gets semi-regular use (I just won the Stanley Cup with the San Jose Sharks in NHL '94, glad you asked.)

Then a little while ago Lane bought a Playstation 3, and I went over there to play MLB '08. I was smitten pretty quick. Sammy Sosa would play this game and exclaim, "It's so reeeeeal!" When you walk into Lane's living room and glance at the TV, you can't tell if it's a real game or a video game on the TV. Since it's hooked up to the internet, there is a live ticker rolling across the bottom of the screen, with real scores. I begin pondering asking for a PS3 for Christmas. Lane and I play as the Red Sox, vs. the Yankees at Fenway. Johnny Damon comes up to bat and the virtual crowd boos him mercilessly and I giggle. The virtual crowd chants 'Youuuuuuk' when Kevin Youkilis comes up to bat, and I giggle some more. I am thoroughly enjoying how ridiculous this game is. We end up playing and boozing until about 2 in the morning. After seeing how much I loved this game, Lane predicted that I would buy a PS3 by the end of August.

Long story short, the PS3 I bought on ebay arrived this weekend.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Bullets (Not Of The Washington Variety)

Speaking of the Washington Bullets, how uncool were they until they traded for Chris Webber? Holy, they were awful when I was a youngster. You know that if your NBA Jam representatives are Tom Gugliotta and Harvey Grant, then you are not a very successful franchise. While we're at it, my favorite NBA Jam combos:

1. Tim Hardaway & Chris Mullin- I know it's blasphemous for me to not have Ewing and Starks in the top spot...but I could play as Golden State, and I'll give you Wilt Chamberlain and Jesus Christ, and I'll still beat you.

2. Patrick Ewing & John Starks- Love 'em dearly, but they weren't very good in this game. Even in a video game where players could jump to the rafters, Ewing still hobbled around on the court.

3. Shawn Kemp & Detlef Schrempf- Schrempf was solid if unspectacular, but sometimes I think that NBA Jam was created just for Kemp. His dunks were siiiick.

4. Larry Johnson & Alonzo Mourning- Couldn't shoot 3's worth shit, but probably the best pair of dunkers/rim protectors in the game. No easy buckets against them.

5. Isiah Thomas & Bill Laimbeer- Isiah was pretty much unguardable, and you could just turn Laimbeer loose to go fuck people up.

Screw it, I've already wasted this much time, here's the 5 worst:

1. Brad Lohaus & Blue Edwards- so bad that I bet only DVJS could name what team they represented (no googling.)

2. The aforementioned Googs/Harvey combo.

3. Clarence Weatherspoon & Jeff Hornacek- you know when you would go up big on a team, and then the computer A.I. would kick into "automatic comeback so that every game ends on a buzzer beater" mode? Well, when Philadelphia would do that, we would call it Revenge of the Nerds. Man these two were geeks.

4. Christian Laettner & Chuck Person- The Chuckster was sweet, but Laettner really is that big of a homo. Forget the 1972 gold medal game against the USSR, Laettner making the original Dream Team in '92 was the greatest tragedy in United States Olympic Basketball history. They should run a SportsCentury on that.

5. Dikembe Mutombo & Laphonso Ellis- I dare you to make a shot outside of 3 feet with these two.

I know it's tough to go on that stupid of a side tangent when the original blog is supposed to be just random bullets anyway, but I feel that was sufficiently ridiculous. Oh and I just listed those off the top of my head, so don't comment to say "Whatever, bro. Jeff Malone was actually on Philadelphia's team, not Hornacek." I'm not your bro, bro.

OK now to other stuff, which may or may not be even more pointless. No promises.

  • Happy travels to French and La as they make their trek from Boston to Los Angeles. We were able to meet them for some mexican food and Coronas on Tuesday (and some pancakes and Coronas the next morning. Just kidding....I don't have pancakes that early in the morning) as they passed through the humble midwest on their way to the bright lights of the City of Angels. I'm extremely jealous that they are fulfilling one of my lifelong dreams of driving across the entire country. Godspeed, kids.

  • Currently ESPN is counting down the 'most prestigious' college basketball programs in the country, in their typical overhyped ESPN fashion. However, Eldest Brother Schneweis already broke this down, in great detail, a few months ago, and is not getting paid thousands of dollars nor getting fanfare on one of the most popular websites on the planet, so I thought I would give him propers here. A pretty nice consolation prize, if you ask me. It's pretty solid work, and interesting as hell (unless you are not a college basketball enthusiast, in which case you probably don't want to click the link.)

  • I didn't comment on these sports stories when they were current, and it's too late to write in detail about them now, but quickly: WNBA brawl = awesome. Rick Mahorn being involved in said brawl = doubly awesome. CBS dumping Billy Packer for the Final Four, which was about 20 years overdue = unspeakably fantastic. CBS not replacing him with my boy Gus Johnson = disappointing, but predictable. And finally, Brett Favre = idiot. Fucking quit already. If I see one more headline that reads "Favre text messages Packers' GM...Content Unknown" or "Favre Does Not Have Packer-Issued Phone" then, to quote the debate moderator from Billy Madison, I am just gonna snap.

  • Sometimes I have to remember that I can't always talk like I'm with my buddies when I'm at work. Yeah, the M.O.M. Squad loves when I say certain things, like when instead of saying "I'm going to lunch" I say "I'm going to get my eats on." And they find it amusing when I drop in an occasional "peace out" or "word up" (word up takes the place of about 17 other phrases for me, so they hear that one a lot.) However- - - - back story: back when we made Charlie Brown's our home-field advantage bar, there was this band of crazy 50-somethings who were still living like it was the Woodstock era. They played there nearly every weekend. Their drummer was this dude who was either still heavily involved in hardcore drugs, or else he had smoked himself retarded in 1968 and was dealing with the repercussions now. Anyways, he had some mental tic, where everytime he heard the phrase "True story" he would automatically reply with "Donkey donkey donkey." No matter if he was in mid-conversation, mid-song, or mid-whatever else he was doing. And since this band played there often, the bartenders and blackjack dealers were all very aware of this. So, for their own amusement, every once in a while when the band was rocking out, a bartender would casually call out "True Story!" while going about his business; he wouldn't even have to be looking at the drummer. Inevitably, even if he was interrupting the lead singer's lyrics, the reply would come: "DONKEY DONKEY DONKEY!!!" This put me into giggling hysterics every time (not surprisingly if you know me), and I quickly joined in the fun, yelling "True Story!" every time there was a lull in conversation. Over time, eventually I even started saying "donkey donkey donkey" when people said "true story" and soon barely realized I was doing it- - - - Which led to a couple days ago, when a co-worker uttered the magic words, and I casually threw out "donkey donkey donkey" without knowing it. After she stood there with a blank look on her face for about 10 incredibly awkward seconds, I realized what I said, and sheepishly told her the preceding story. In Dr. Evil whisper: Uncomfortable.....

  • 3 things that are back as of today, after being out of my life since May 31:

  • David Ortiz

  • My "let's go to Vegas" itch

  • My leg hair

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Why Don't You Just Go Home? Are You Too Good For Your Home?

I frequently talk about little things in life that make me annoyed or angry. But there is nothing on this Earth that can make me angrier than playing a round of golf, hitting EVERY SINGLE green in regulation, and still only shooting even par because I cannot make a single motherfucking putt. Remember when Woody Austin hit himself in the head with his putter until it bent in half? I was close to doing that last night. Do you think Happy Gilmore will lend me his hockey stick putter?

Suck my white ass, ball.

Question of the Day:

If you were told that you had to die tomorrow, but you could choose how you died, how would you go out?

Monday, July 21, 2008

Ohhh, Alex

This is why it's so fun to lie to girls. Here's an excerpt from a conversation with Alex while we were waiting for Batman to start the other day:

Me: Sometimes when I'm talking to random girls and we're talking about where we're from, I'll make up fake statistics about whatever city we're talking about, just to get the conversation going.

Alex, dubious: What? Like what?

Me: Well, did you know that Grand Forks has the #1 rated public golf courses in the lower 48 states?

Alex, dead serious: Really? They do?!?

Me: -pinching bridge of my nose, shaking my head-

Sometimes it's just too easy.

And for the record, The Dark Knight is one of the best movies I've seen in a very, very long time. I'm sure things may get blown out of proportion with Ledger dying and everything, but regardless, he was ridiculously good in this movie. For real.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Bizarro World Lunch Break

Just got back from running errands on my lunch break, during which I went to the bank and then to Sonic (weird! I never eat there.) It was anything but boring.

So I'm sitting in second position in the drive-through line at the bank. The little money canister is coming through the chute, on its way back to the customer. The chute is see-through, so you can see it coming, and for some inexplicable reason, this lady decides she is going to rest her hand at the bottom of the chute, like she's going to catch this fucking thing or something. As I watch in amazement at the sheer stupidity of this lady, the canister comes flying down the homestretch, crushes her hand at the bottom of the chute, bounces wildly out, ricochets off her car, and detonates in an explosion of plastic, dollar bills, and change that goes everywhere. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, LADY?!?! How is it ever, ever a good idea to put your hand at the bottom of the chute? You have to show a little more respect for the air current flowing through the tunnel than that. Come on. This is the year 2008.

So after that catastophre resolves itself (I didn't help her pick up money; everyone else had it under control, and I was laughing way too hard to be of any help anyway) I head to Sonic for my standard 2,700 calorie lunch. I place my order and I'm sitting in my car waiting. Now, unlike the fantastically funny Sonic commercials, there's no witty, quirky sidekick for me to banter back and forth with, so I'm listening to music. After a couple minutes, the lady in the vehicle to my right starts to back out of her spot. During her reverse, she is mean-mugging the shit out of me. Probably the dirtiest look I've received from a girl since freshman year of college, when I told my girlfriend at the time that the reason why I didn't hang out with her the night before was because I got drunk with my buddies and drove around town, stealing Baby Jesus from multiple nativity scenes.

She actually stops and shakes her head at me while glaring me down, making such a grand performance out of the whole thing that finally I roll down my passenger window and ask, "What is the problem?!?!" She just shakes her head again and says, "Nice language coming out of your car. Reaaaaal nice, jerk." And then she drives away. I'm speechless. I am literally without speech. My head is reeling. This lady just punk'd the shit out of me (yeah I spelled it with an apostrophe and no e. Blame that no-talent ass clown Ashton Kutcher.) Here are my issues with her accusation:

1) Like I stated, my passenger window was rolled up, and she was on my right hand side.

2) I don't listen to music that terribly loud. Yeah, I rock it out when I'm by myself on the interstate, and I listen at a higher volume than most average Joes since I lost 40% of the hearing in my left ear in an unfortunate smelting accident, but c'mon, I was sitting in a Sonic drive-up. I had just turned the volume down to give my order, it was on like two friggin' bars.

3) This chick was pretty hot, couldn't have been older than me, didn't have any kids in her vehicle, and as far as I could see, was not accompanied by Jesus Himself. So I am confused as to how badly I seem to have offended her.

4) And this is the kicker here folks, I WAS LISTENING TO KRIS KROSS!!!! Let's ignore for a minute that I was listening to a song from 1992 performed by a couple of 12-year-olds that wore their clothes backwards.....and ask the question: what bad language is there in the song Jump??? Tell me that, Hot Yet Overly Uptight and Potentially Crazy Lady? Are you mad because R&B, rap and bullcrap is what they're dumpin'? Because inside out is wiggida-wiggida-wiggida-wack? Because the Daddy Mac will make you jump jump, wiggle and shake your rump? I am baffled here.

I retreated back to work with my tail between my legs, and now here I sit, enjoying my second chili cheese wrap and wondering just what the hell is going on today.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Is It 1993?

3 things I did yesterday that made me feel like I was 11 years old again:

1.) Listened to my old Tag Team cd.

2.) Ate a fruit roll-up.

3). Really, truly enjoyed the Home Run Derby. What a ridiculously great show Hamilton put on. I could stand on the warning track and not hit homers as far as he did last night. Did anyone else have goosebumps when Yankee Stadium was chanting his name? Magical.

You're Awesome.

Monday, July 14, 2008

I'm Not Your Buddy, Guy

Whenever I talk about my favorite shows of all time, I never really mention South Park. It always kind of gets swept under the rug, I'm not sure why. If you listed the 10 times I've laughed the hardest in my life (there is no grammatically pleasing way to type that. I retyped that sentence like 7 times and that's the best I could do) then South Park is probably responsible for at least 6 of them. I saw the episode where Canada goes on strike recently, and a couple scenes made me cry I was laughing so hard.

I always start my day off with some funny clip off of youtube or something, and I was getting tired of clicking through links to find this somewhat obscure clip, so I'm linking it here so it's easy to get to. This is as much for me as it is for you.

I'm not your friend, buddy!

Posting a link to something else is about all the creativity I can muster up today. I wish my life had an all-star break, I could use one.

Friday, July 11, 2008

This Burrito Is Delicious, But It's Filling!

So checking my email this week, a couple of things stood out for me. I am a member of the Royals' email list, so I can get good deals on tickets and things of that nature, but I am starting to question if it's worth it or not, due to the amount of garbage emails I have to delete from them. Especially this week. As soon as Jose Guillen was announced as one of the finalists for the final all-star roster spot, they began bombarding my account with emails telling me to go vote, which I finally did, to see if it would get them to stop. Ohhhh no. After I voted once, they re-doubled their efforts, telling me to vote again. All told, I received 21 emails in 4 days to vote for Jose Motherfucking Guillen (who I do actually believe should make the team, I only use the term motherfucking because I am annoyed with the constant emails), who still took last place in the AL vote, if I'm not mistaken. Whatever, I did my part. I'm not even a Royals fan.

The other interesting email of note was for a celebrity basketball game being played in Kansas City this weekend. I use the term 'celebrity' very loosely here. The three 'celebs' they featured with photos are Brody Jenner (if I wouldn't have chosen to murder Spencer, I would've chosen Brody) Jason from Laguna Beach, and Stephen from Laguna Beach. Basically, three of the biggest ass clowns in human history. Clearly they are marketing this exhibition game to 15-year-old girls, because I sure as hell wouldn't want to go watch this blow job festival. While reading through the email, however, my mind went through three phases:

1. What kind of game is this? Who in the hell, besides high school girls, would go see a 'celebrity' basketball game with these idiots in it?

2. Then I started reading through the rest of the rosters: Nick Swardson, JP from Grandma's Boy, the black guy from Scrubs, Nathan Scott from One Tree Hill. Now my ridicule of the game tapers a bit; some of my boys are playing in it.

3. Wait a second...only 10 bucks for the chance to openly heckle retards from MTV reality shows? Hmmm.....

If I wasn't busy moving apartments this weekend, you may have found this headline in the Lawrence Journal-World on Sunday:

Local Douchebag Arrested After Altercation with Even Bigger Douchebags

I would've turned that exhibition game into the Ron Artest Brawl, only replace "bad-ass, potentially insane black guys" with "skinny white kids who are afraid to throw the first punch."

I decided not to really write anything about Ike's wedding. 5 days of shenanigans is too much to sort through, plus I've been friends with pretty much everyone in that friend group since elementary school, so most of our jokes are inside jokes, and the stories wouldn't be funny to the layperson. I know everyone says "OMG, I have the funniest friends ever!! LOL" but I'm telling you, I have the funniest friends ever....LOL.

In the interest of fairness (if this was someone else, you better believe this picture would be going up) I will post this picture from the wedding. The MC caught Ike and I in a compromising embrace on the dance floor; maybe the gayest picture since the cover of the Brokeback Mountain DVD. If you click on it and enlarge it, it's even worse.

I'm pretty sure we would've started making out if that lady tapping my shoulder hadn't interrupted us.

What makes this funny to me is that the following is a picture of the MC right after he took it, showing it to me and asking me if he wanted me to delete it. I was a few beers deep by this time (a few = 20) and my response was something to the effect of "Fuck it, dude. Leave it in. I love that bastard, I don't care who knows it."

I appears from my expression that I even enjoy the picture with Ike a little bit. I thought I got all the experimenting out of my system during college. This is troubling.

Normally this is the point where I would wish everyone a Happy Friday, but I'm not doing anything fun this weekend, so as a result, I don't care if you have a Happy Friday or not. It's week number 2 of a 4-week No Getting Sauced Plan. The month of June was out of control. Between Vegas, the College World Series, Lane's b-day, and the wedding week in GF, I felt like I was 19 again. I'm not getting crunk, so neither should you.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

The Top 5. Volume 8.

So all my teams have been winning championships lately, and after every one of them, I tell myself that now I can settle down and just be a normal sports fan, and not freak out all the time over losses.....and then Boston's bullpen gets shelled against the Rays and they blow a three-run lead and I stomp around my apartment for the rest of the night like a psycho, leading me to believe that I will never be a normal sports fan, no matter how many championships my teams win. That's probably just the way it is for me.

So after that loss (and another nationally televised loss to the Yanks on Sunday night when, surprise, the bullpen blew a late-inning lead) I got to thinking which losses of my life have wrecked me the most. Kind of an exercise in self-punishment, to ground me a little bit in the wake of all these championships my teams are spoiling me with right now. Without further ado....

#5. 1993 Wild Card Game, Houston Oilers vs. Buffalo Bills

For some reason, this game haunts me more than the Super Bowl when the Tennessee Titans (formerly the Houston Oilers, to the layperson/idiot) came up a yard short from sending the game into overtime. Can't explain why. Possibly because I watched this game with Dunph, a diehard Bills fan. Houston goes up 35-3 early in the third quarter, and I'm talking a steady stream of shit, guns blazing. That stream quickly turned into a trickle, and then dried up altogether as Buffalo went up 38-35 in what seemed like seconds. Even after Houston kicked a last-second field goal to send it to OT, I was spent. Cooked. Done-skis. Warren Moon's interception and Buffalo's game-winning field goal were as inevitable as Britney Spears eventually becoming a whorebag, getting knocked up, shaving her head and going crazy. I endured some (well-deserved) gloating from Dunph and walked home in the freezing cold North Dakota winter, my first real crushing loss as a diehard sports fan under my belt, kind of like a freshman girl doing the walk of shame back to her dorm the morning after getting her cherry popped by a toga-wearing frat guy during orientation weekend.

Whatever. I bet you guys don't win the Super Bowl.

#4. 1994 NBA Finals, Game 7, New York Knicks vs. Houston Rockets

The last three games of this series were particularly aggravating. Game 5 was the infamous O.J. Chase, when NBC went to split-screen for two hours and I yelled at Bob Costas to get back to the goddam game. My parents tried to get me to appreciate the history that was being made, but as an 11-year-old, all I saw was a white Bronco driving 30 mph on the freeway, and all I cared about were the Knicks holding on and going back to Houston up 3 games to 2, which they did. Then in Game 6, my boy John Starks' potential game-winning three was blocked by Olajuwon (foreshadowing to 2003, perhaps?) and THEN he put up a horrific 2-18 in Game 7, and the Knicks haven't had a real chance to win a title since (don't tell me they could've beat the Spurs in '99, Chris Dudley & the Miracles had already used up their magic by then.)

Dammit, O.J., wrap it up! I know how much this low-speed chase makes it look like you didn't do it, but Ewing's going to the line and it's a 2-point game!

#3. 2002 Final Four, Kansas Jayhawks vs. Maryland Terrapins

This was my favorite KU team of all time. Hinrich, Langford, Boschee, Collison, Gooden, Miles, etc. etc. I was absolutely in love with this team. They didn't necessarily choke or anything (though they certainly didn't play awesome) they just lost to the one team that could really match up with them that year, Maryland. This was the real national championship game, the other semifinal of Indiana vs. Oklahoma was a joke.

Here's a picture of Roy shortly after the 2002 Final Four loss. I'm sorry, what's that? You say that's from the 2008 Final Four? Wait a minute....doesn't he coach North Carolina now? Does he know he's wearing a KU sticker? Weird.....

#2. 2003 ALCS, Game 7, Boston Red Sox vs. New York Yankees

The leaving Pedro in for too long/Aaron Boone home run game. Just a nightmare on so many levels. I was completely jaded by this point, following the previous events of 2003 (see #1) and was basically counting down the minutes until the Sox blew it, and when Boone connected, I was out the door by the time the ball landed in the seats. I hit rock-bottom as a sports fan that night. I basically trashed the Culligan parking lot in a alcohol-fueled display of destruction, and woke up the next morning in my boxers, one sock and one shoe, and Red Sox hat, with a hammer still in hand. Needless to say I didn't make it to Marketing class that day. Fundy is a Cubs fan, and after they blew their NLCS against the Marlins, we both agreed to boycott, even SportsCenter, and to this day, neither one of us has seen a single highlight of the 2003 World Series (except for the shot of Josh Beckett recording the final out, which is inevitable since he came to Boston and I watch him pitch every time he's televised.) However, the events of this year made 2004 all the more sweet.

I'm already downstairs beating street signs with a hammer by this point. Eat me.

2003 National Championship Game, Kansas Jayhawks vs. Syracuse Orangemen

Never before in my life had I been so confident going into a big game. Never in my life will I be that confident again. This game scarred me for years...until April 7, 2008, to be exact. KU had just got done INNIHILATING Dwayne Wade and Marquette in the semifinal, and were about to play a Syracuse team that should've lost in the 2nd round, and was surely maxed out by now. Then Jerry McNamara had the game of his life, and KU couldn't make a free throw, and Carmelo started playing like he should've joined LeBron in skipping college and going straight to the NBA, and KU still couldn't make a free throw, and then they make their obligatory run to suck everyone back in, and then Hakim Warrick blocks Michael Lee's shot, Hinrich and Collison graduate, Roy bolts for North Carolina, and that's that.

Good lord. Lee could've been sitting on Manute Bol's shoulders and still not gotten that shot off.

Feel free to leave your toughest losses in the comments, except for Yankee fans. Tough losses don't affect you because you don't have a soul.

Monday, July 7, 2008


Hope everyone had a great 4th. Alex, Lane, Skye and I played in a 4-man scramble at Falcon Lakes. Despite Lane's strategy of "Hammen shoots a 65 and the rest of us contribute a putt here or there" I only brought my C game, but everyone else played well, and we scraped together a 70, good enough to tie for first place (we must have been in the shittiest flight.) We each won $40 worth of merch from the pro shop. So to recap, for $35 each, we got 18 holes of golf (with a cart) at a beatiful course, a big lunch beforehand, and $40 worth of stuff. Worth it. See you next 4th of July.

The real highlight of my day came later on, when Lane and I rekindled the NCAA Football rivalry on Playstation 2, for the first time since freshman year of college. It is well documented that Lane is my daddy when it comes to this game, but I finally broke through for my first career victory, overcoming a 14-0 deficit to win a 21-17 nailbiter. I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

DVJS left for the Peace Gardens, putting our pickup ball tandem on hiatus, but we went out in style, going 7-0 together on our last night for the forseeable future. Side note: there has been a marked improvement in my attitude on the court since I started playing pickup ball in a church on Thursday nights. DVJS and I are pretty much the Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson of dropping F-bombs after missed shots, but when you're playing in a house of worship, profanity-laced spaz-outs get eliminated pretty quickly. I think it's helped my game a bit, too.

This goddam Red Sox bullpen is giving me an ulcer.

Question of the day, courtesy of Schatz:

If you could murder one person and get away with it, who would it be?

My answer was initially going to be A-Rod, but it seems that Madonna is slowly killing him for me, so instead I'll say Spencer from The Hills.

Maybe I'll get a twofer and Heidi will kill herself, rather than live in a world where she isn't dating the biggest douchebag on the planet. Nice glasses, dude.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

The Draft: A Jayhawkle Debacle?

Random thoughts on the draft, which I missed due to a wedding rehearsal dinner, but much thanks goes out to all who kept me updated via text message, it was greatly appreciated by all the dudes who were stuck at the dinner with no television to be found.

So now that I'm back in town and reading newspapers and talking to the locals, apparently people are totally pissed about the Jayhawks' misfortune in this draft. I can see being a little disappointed that Chalmers and Arthur fell, but look at some of these quotes from

"How many of you wanted to kick in your television screens when J.R. Giddens, once at KU then at New Mexico, was chosen by Boston. Lots of us saw it as an insult to Chalmers, who then had to wait until No. 34, where no contract is guaranteed."

"And then commissioner David Stern walks to the podium and announces: “With the 30th pick in the NBA Draft, the Boston Celtics select J.R. Giddens of the University of New Mexico.”

Are you kidding me? Not only do the Celtics dump on Chalmers, they stick the dagger deeper by tapping Giddens, the one-time KU bad boy who had been projected to go somewhere in the middle of the second round.

Worse is what Celtics’ coach Doc Rivers says afterward about Giddens. “He has a chance.” Rivers tells the Boston media, “to fight for minutes right away because of his defense.”

His defense??? Has Giddens improved that much since his freshman and sophomore years on Mount Oread when he couldn’t guard the Phog Allen statue?

Sometimes I wonder if the NBA Draft is really serious business or merely an inside joke league coaches and GMs play on a gullible glued-to-the-TV populace

Wow. Settle down, kids. My not-so-humble opinion on each Jayhawk:

Rush went about where he should have went, and he'll contribute immediately for the Pacers.

The kidney thing with Arthur is unfortunate, if indeed it was something that was cleared up before the draft, yet not communicated to all the general managers. But the whole mess begs the question: Why did he initially refuse the blood tests?

I think early second round for Chalmers is about right, too. I've been watching with raised eyebrows these last few weeks as he has shot up the draft boards. I don't really understand how it's a great injustice that he didn't get picked early. He's a 6'2'' guard without true point guard ball-handling skills.

As for my boy Darnell Jackson, I'm just thrilled he got drafted. I think he will make a solid pro, possibly become a big sleeper, but again, I don't understand the people who are screaming that he went too low. Ditto Sasha Kaun. When you are at that skill level, you're lucky just to get drafted.

So I am of the opinion that Jayhawk fans should just be proud that 5 guys off the team got drafted, instead of freaking out about where they went. Dude, we're the champs. Be happy.

For non-KU related draft picks, here are the ones I liked:

Jeryd Bayless to the Blazers. I can't even wrap my head around how good they're going to be in a couple years. For real.

Mareese Speights to the 76ers. Exactly what that team needed.

Courtney Lee to the Magic. He is fucking good. The league will find out.

DeAndre Jordan to the Clippers. When he was projected in the top 5, I couldn't possibly talk more shit about him. At pick 35, though, that's a steal.

Derrick Rose to the Bulls. The jury is still out on this one. The consensus is that my boy Hinrich will get traded now. If he gets traded, then I like this pick. I've hated cheering for the Bulls the last couple years, it sucks. I hated the Bulls for too long to enjoy them now. But if this pick results in Hinrich not getting traded, and just sitting the bench, then I hate this pick. Let's get Hinrich to another team.

Ones I disliked:

D. J. Augustin to the Bobcats. They already have Raymond Felton, who I thought was doing OK. Unless they have another deal already lined up for one of those two, then I have no idea what M.J. is doing. Wow he sucks at being a GM.

Joe Alexander to the Bucks. Hey, Milwaukee, remember like 12 hours earlier when you traded for Richard Jefferson?

George Hill to the Spurs. I know I just got done saying Chalmers went where he should have, but at the same time, there is NO WAY you can tell me that George Hill is better than Chalmers. No way.

I feel OK about the Knicks taking Danilo Gallinari. I've read mostly good things about him. I feel mostly indifferent about 90% of the picks in this draft. I don't think we're going to see too many all-stars out of the 2008 NBA Draft. Except of course for Sasha, right Lane?