Thursday, May 30, 2013

Hey, Have You Guys Heard Of The Strokes?

Every once in awhile I get made fun of on The Boards because of my tendency to be wayyyyy behind on popular music.  They'll call me Ace, as in Ace of Base, as in supposedly I've just heard of, and am just now listening to, the Swedish pop group Ace of Base who dominated the airwaves in 1994. 

And I have no comeback; the nickname fits.  For every Vampire Weekend or Lumineers or Robert Randolph or Ludacris that I'm in on from the beginning, there's multiple artists that I don't listen to until years after they're popular. Obviously, at the height of their respective popularity, I'm aware that all these bands exist....I just don't really listen to them. 

Just to be clear, we're talking about bands that I was old enough to get into when they were popular.  Obviously, when I discovered Led Zeppelin or Run DMC or Bob Marley, etc. etc. etc., I was years or even decades behind, but for obvious reasons.  Also, we're not talking about shitheads like Justin Bieber or Nickelback or Taylor Swift.  Not listening to their music is an active lifestyle choice I'm making.

It seems like every year, I have at least one band that, for one reason or another, randomly slides into my life, and I decide I'm going to dive in all the way and see what all the fuss was about.  The recent list looks like this:

2008- Hootie & the Blowfish:  Ohhhh, so THIS is what everyone was going crazy about in 6th grade!  (Note:  I don't mean that sarcastically.  Dammit, those songs are catchy.  I can legitimately see why they were so huge back in the day.  So much fun to sing along and do your best Hootie voice.  WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT LIIIIFE IS LIIIIIIIIIIKE!  Classic).

2009- Weezer:  It's good to know that this band exists outside the realm of "Buddy Holly", which I loved when I was a youngster.  I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed a bunch of their other songs.

2010- White Stripes:  Is it bad that I sorta patted myself on the back for getting into the Stripes only seven years after they were at their coolest?  Probably.  Also, is it cool to shorten it up and just call them the Stripes?  Was that ever a thing?  Probably not.

2011- Nirvana:  I don't know if this makes me a poseur or not (I realize that becoming a Nirvana fan 17 years after Cobain ate his shotgun makes me a poseur already, but just work with me here) but my favorite Nirvana song is Sliver.  The premise of the song is kinda bullshit, which makes me think that *real* Nirvana fans probably look down on it, but whatever- that song effing rocks.  Zidon sisters, back me up here.

2012- Dave Matthews Band:  This one actually wasn't my choice.  Gangel, one of the most diehard DMB fans I've ever seen, burned me a CD full of his favorite tracks and gave it to me as a gift-- either because he truly enjoys to share the music he loves....or because he was tired of listening to my iPod and never having any DMB options.

(Side note:  I used to do this all the time with old girlfriends, back in the days before iPods.  I'd burn a CD with a bunch of my favorite songs, stash it in their glove compartment, then "find it" when we'd be riding in their car.  "What are we listening to?  John Mayer again, huh?  Oh word, what's this CD you have laying around?  It doesn't have any writing on it, let's try it out!  All riiiight, little Public Enemy?  Nas?  ANNNND Westside Connection?  Nice!")

Anyway, here in 2013, the new music in my life belongs to The Strokes....a full 11 years after they burst onto the scene.  You guys should totally check them out.  They could be the next Ace of Base!

Sunday, May 26, 2013

There's Always Money In The Banana Stand

Happy Arrested Development Day!  It's been seven long years since one of the funniest shows in history was on the air (on my personal list, it's either my all-time favorite, or second favorite, depending on how I feel about It's Always Sunny that day) and now it's back for a new season on Netflix and probably a movie.  If you've never seen it before, you pretty much should just drop what you're doing, right now, and go start watching it.  Along with The Wire, it's the only other show that I would personally guarantee that you love-- and I don't even know who 'you' are right now, gentle reader.  That's just a blanket guarantee for all human beings.

I was going to try and do a top 5 favorite moments from the show's first three seasons, but that's basically impossible.  I make lists for EVERYTHING, and I still have literally no idea how I would sort out my favorite moments from this show.  So here's a bunch of screencaps and youtube clips that I think are awesome:

The running joke of Gob constantly lying about how expensive his suit is. 

Every family member having their own stupid chicken dance.  Even if you've never even heard of Arrested Development, you've probably seen somebody doing their impression of Gob's impression of a chicken.

Every time a character is sad and they play the Charlie Brown music and have them do the Charlie Brown Sad Walk (this compilation is from multiple episodes).

The subplot of Gob alternately embracing and denying Steve Holt as his son.

Tobias' constant inability to phrase things without making them sound sexual (and Michael, in that perfectly Jason Bateman-y way, trying to call him out on it).  Kind of a series of "That's what she said" jokes before there was a "That's what she said."

Arrested Development is also probably the smartest comedy I've ever watched.  The constant wordplay is so genius it's practically exhausting.  Even the throwaway jokes have some sort of meaning behind them.  Watching every episode once isn't even close to enough.  Even after watching them multiple times, I'm probably missing a bunch of jokes and not even realizing it, as evidenced by this article and this one.  (Those are must-reads for AD die-hards, but if this poorly written blog post is somehow convincing anybody out there to start watching this show, stay away from those links, they have spoilers).

That's about all I can do to recommend Arrested Development, friends.  Like the guy in the $6,800 suit is gonna spend any more of his valuable time trying to convince people to watch one of the funniest shows ever.  COME ON!

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Wedding Week, Part II: Wait, You Mean We Came Here To Get MARRIED?


About ten of us dragged ourselves out of bed at 6am to go deep sea fishing (except I didn't struggle to wake up, since I'd already established my wakeup time as the buttfuck of dawn every day).  We boated out juuuuuust far enough so that you couldn't see land anymore (this is my nightmare!  Titanic is like a horror movie for me) and dropped some lines.  Now, my fishing/hunting/outdoorsman skills, or lack thereof, are well documented.  So when I caught a fish within 15 seconds of dropping my line in the water, I thought maybe this would be a fresh start for me.  Maybe this is a NEW Happy Gilmore.  But alas, in the subsequent five hours, I only caught one other fish.  As a boat, we caught over 100, and the next worst fisherman probably caught at least five or six.  And I got two.  Unbelievable.  Also, I got a little seasick, so I spent about an hour staring at the horizon and trying not to puke.  The only two of us to get seasick were Easy E and me, which *might* have been related to the fact that when we first got on the boat, we had a one-upsmanship contest that involved licking raw squid....but I'm gonna refuse to take responsibility for my own actions, and just blame it on seasickness.  Just gotta find the ol' sea legs, mate!

That evening ADawg arrived, and now rolling 18 deep, we had some good clean sober fun:  mini golf and go-karts.  I can't properly explain how much fun I had at this place.  I can't remember which comedian made the joke about how it's impossible to ride a jet ski and not be smiling (Daniel Tosh?)  But the same rule applies to go-karting.  If you can take a few spins around the track, especially with 17 of your friends all racing at the same time, and not have an ear-to-ear grin plastered on your face, then you're a better man than I.  There's been a hole in my heart for the last 15 years or so, and I finally know that the only thing that can fill it is a good mini-golf/go-kart track. 

I don't know if there was really an MVP that day; I don't think anyone had more than 5 or 6 drinks all day.  Let's call it a 26-way tie and give three cheers to having fun without drinking! 


Thursday morning we teed off at Kelly Plantation, which despite the vaguely racist name that sounds like a scene straight out of Django Unchained, was one of the nicest golf courses I've ever played in my life.  Just gorgeous.  Once again, my golf game was mediocre, but I was like Forrest Gump at the bus stop: just happy to be there.

After 96 consecutive hours of lesiure time in Florida, it finally hit me Thursday afternoon:  Oh yeah, we have a WEDDING TOMORROW.  Obviously, beach weddings cut down a lot on the amount of planning involved, but on the flip side, when you have no wedding planner, or set venue, or even a regular pastor to assist with things, you kind of realize how every single detail for the entire day is on your shoulders.  That being said, running through a wedding rehearsal is a LOT more enjoyable when you're not wearing shoes and you're drinking beer on the beach-- details or no details.

After rehearsal dinner we went back to the beach house for one of the main events of the weekend:  the half-court shot contest between Easy E and Paul to determine who the best man would be.  This ended up being even more fun than I originally envisioned.  It helped that there ended up being a basketball hoop right next door to our house, so the entire party (probably about 40 people at this point) could watch.  Alfonso, Katie, Manada, and Sarunas took it up a notch by making signs.  Lane was blasting Jock Jams.  Bets were flying around- with the official over/under being set at 16 combined shots.  It was phenomenal, all the way around.

The first couple shots weren't very close, as both competitors tried to find the range (it was an 11-foot rim, so we moved the shot a little inside of half-court).  Paul back-rimmed his 4th shot, and Easy E followed that up by missing straight-on but just short.  They certainly had the basket's attention.  The next few shots were off again, and then on his 8th effort, WHAMMO!  Easy E buried it.  Paul missed his mercy shot, and it was all over but the crying (and 50 years of shit-talking).  Kyle got a great video of the winning shot and aftermath, but I'm not tech-savvy enough to upload it here.

Thursday night was a classic case of the Kegger Corollary, which I define as running around all night to talk to different people, and then the next day you feel like you didn't really talk to anybody at all.  Easy E celebrated his half-court shot victory by sleeping for 45 minutes.  He gets the MVP for the day.


And then, wedding day was upon us.  While the girls were doing girly things, Easy E, Paul, Bird, Gangel, JonJon, Schne, Kyle, Lane and I snuck off for a round of golf at Emerald Bay.  The course, unfortunately, was a goat track.  It was pretty because it was in Florida, but other than that, the course was pretty much garbage.  If you're ever in Destin, don't ever play Emerald Bay.  We probably should've hired their website photographer though; that dude did a fantastic job making that course look good on the internet.  I feel like I got Catfished by a golf course.

That afternoon, I got some pool time in with the crew at the house, and if Jum the Bachelor was on Death Row, then Paul prepared me a great last meal: tuna casserole, one of our staples in Culligan Manor.  Maybe the best piece of advice I got all week from married people was from Kyle, who told me that at some point before the wedding, I just needed to get the fuck away from everybody for a little while.  So I went for a quick swim in the ocean, collected my thoughts, and got my head in a good place before I flushed my singledom down the proverbial toilet forever.

I didn't even really get a chance to get nervous, since the last hour before the wedding I was running around taking pictures, talking to the sound guy, going over the music list with Schne, going over last minute tweaks to the ceremony with Reverend Lane, etc. etc.  Before I knew it, it was showtime.

This is kind of an obvious statement, but seriously:  getting married on the beach is AWESOME.  So much more relaxing and fun.  There were a couple minor hiccups:  I forgot to give P.A. a bro-hug right away after he gave Teens away, so there was a false start to the proceedings; Teens forgot one of her lines during the vows, but handled it nicely by asking Lane "...Line?"  Well played.  That's my girl.  Other than that, it was smooth sailing.  Walk down, get married, walk back.  Bing bang boom.  It can't be stressed enough that Lane did a phenomenal job.  He may be able to start himself a little side job in Rhode Island.  He already paid the $10 to get ordained-- it's all profit now!

Side note: Guys, I'm not sure I'm emphasizing enough how crazy it is that I got choked up during my speech, while Teens kept it together. Teens cries during EVERYTHING. She mercilessly made fun of The O.C. for the first year of our relationship, I finally convinced her to watch the DVDs....and she cried four separate times in the first three episodes.  Marley & Me might as well have been called Teens Bawls For Two Straight Hours While Jum Periodically Checks His Phone And Says Things Like "Is the Dog Dead Yet? Is This the One Where the Dog Dies? Hey Teens, I Bet the Dog Dies."

My secret biggest fear of the wedding- of course I never mentioned this to her beforehand- was that Teens was going to cry throughout the ceremony, beyond the point where it's cute, meandering into the territory where the audience would be wondering "OK, what's going on here? Does Teens really want to go through with this? Is she a flight risk right now?  Is Jum holding her at gunpoint? Has she been a kidnap victim this whole time and we just didn't know it?" But instead, Teens was a smiley, happy, composed bride-- and I had to bail on my speech because I was beginning to slide down Cry in Front of My Friends Mountain. Unbelievable.

My favorite random moment of the day:  LZE surprising us by singing a song for everyone to slow dance to.  Easy E had mentioned a time or two that she was a good singer, but he completely sandbagged us on this one.  She is FANTASTIC.  Jaw-dropping good.

The rest the night was awesome, except for the cops showing up for a noise complaint right in the middle of 'Apache', completely ruining the song.  Personally, I think the complaint was made up, since our neighbors were leaning over the fence and having beers with us, it was a Friday night on the beach in a tourist town, and it was only 10pm.  So I told the cop that we'd change speakers to something with less bass, but we absolutely would not stop playing music, as we had been bumping jams every night for almost a week now with no issues.  He accepted it without much argument, which contributes to my theory that this was less of a noise complaint, and more of a "we've got our eyes on you fuckers tonight" warning from the cops.  Still, it's a cool story that the cops came to try to shut down the wedding reception.  Give it a few years, and I'll be telling people about that time I bitch-slapped a uniformed police officer at my wedding, turned the music up and danced the Apache in front of him, and told him to go buy a vowel if he hadn't solved the puzzle yet.

Once again I felt like I barely got to talk to anyone, when in fact I talked to everyone.  And just like that, it was 1am, guests were leaving, people were going to bed, and the week was basically over. Probably the quickest and most fun week of my life.

Saturday morning we packed up and left, and Teens and I drove 17 hours straight back to Kansas.  Yes, it was an absolute nightmare, thanks for asking.

More pictures are popping up here and there, and once we get our official photos from our photographer, I'll probably do a picture post of the wedding day, since you gotta give the people what they want.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Wedding Week, Part I: Hell Yes I'll Have Another Beer, I'm On Vacation Here!


Teens and I drive to St. Louis after work.  It was *supposed* to be our only sober night....but then BroMo texted me while we were driving and asked us if he and Jess should whip us up some homemade mint juleps.  What, am I gonna say no to that?  So after we arrived and I quickly finished two juleps of my own, Jess and Teens decided they didn't like theirs (I admit, it's not a tasty beverage your first time, your virgin ride is a little rough) so pretty soon I was four mint juleps and three beers deep.  Oh well.  Can't be drunk all vacation if you're not drunk the first night.


Back in the car and feeling good about things, Teens and I drive all morning and stop in Memphis for lunch.  If you're ever in Memphis, do yourself a favor and go to Gus's Fried Chicken.  It was practically life-altering.  There was a loooong wait, but it was worth it-- plus they serve 40's and let you take them out on the sidewalk while you're waiting.  Fried chicken and 40's?!?!?!?!  Hello, Wheelhouse?  I'd like to introduce you to Gus's Fried Chicken.  I believe he's supposed to be inside of you.

After lunch we poured ourself back in the car, with about 5 hours to go until New Orleans.  With a belly full of fried chicken, my driving shift done for the day, and the Kentucky Derby rapidly approaching, I knew it was time for some road beers.  Although my horse didn't win this year, and the Budweisers were nowhere near "cold", I rode into the Big Easy guns blazin'.  It was already 9:30, so we just parked it straight in the middle of the French Quarter and started walking around.  In 3.5 hours, we accomplished about everything we set out to do: we walked all over downtown and the Quarter, took a rickshaw ride, drank Hurricanes, ate Po' Boys, walked down the part of Bourbon Street where all the bros are throwing beads and yelling at girls to show their tits (Teens didn't, but I wouldn't have held it against her- we're on vacation!) and spent five bucks on a shitty R&B cd from some street performer.  Then we went and checked in at our shitbag hotel (sorry, Teens, but the cheapest room in the French Quarter was $575 for one night, and Daddy's horse didn't win the Derby this year.....our budget just shrank), slept for a couple of hours, and hit the road at 7 the next morning.

"You got one got Chubs' hand!!!!"  I thought this was HILARIOUS after a bunch of road beers and a New Orleans-style Hurricane.  Like, seriously hilarious.  I was cracking myself up for like 15 minutes.

Side note:  New Orleans was EXACTLY how I pictured it to be.  There was never one second where it didn't feel like we were smack in the middle of N'awlins.  I love it when that happens-- when the first time you visit somewhere, it feels exactly like it should feel, based on what you've seen and heard of it.  Quick top 5 on cities I've been to that "feel just like I imagined them": 1) New Orleans, 2) San Francisco, 3) Boston, 4) Seattle, 5) Augusta, GA.  Friends: let's take a Bro Trip to New Orleans someday.


Back in the car for the last four hours.  The anticipation was excruciating; at least the drive was beautiful.  Once we hit Florida, I checked off my 45th state in the lower 48. All that's left now for me now are Maine, Vermont, and New in other words, I'll probably go to my deathbed having only seen 45 states.

We got set up at the beach house, unpacked, and lounged around the pool with my parents, Brother, and Alyssa, all who arrived the day before.  Basically, we just enjoyed the quiet before the cavalry started arriving that evening.  First it was Easy E, LZE, Fundy and Smapes.  Then Emily, Darcy, and their kids.  Momma S was next, and soon a quiet evening turned into a few-hundred-dollar liquor store run and playing drinking games until the wee hours.  Before the week started, we decided we would vote on an MVP every night.  It was originally going to be called the Drunkard of the Day, but we didn't like the negative connotations attached to that word, so we went with MVP.  In an upset, Smapes strolled in and won it on the first night.


Teens and I had to go pick up our wedding license at the county clerk's office about 20 minutes away that morning.  I figured it would be an in-and-out affair, so I was wearing my very best fedora, swim trunks, douchebag sunglasses, and a brand-new tank top featuring Darth Vader holding a surfboard (thanks Easy E) when all of a sudden the county clerk asked us to raise our right hands and repeat after her.  It was quite a scene:  me looking like Hunter S. Thompson crossed with Carson Daly at MTV Spring Break '99, Teens hung to the gills and taken totally by surprise, and people in the background in different lines screaming about restraining orders and whatnot.  Totally romantic.

Speaking personally, my favorite moment of the afternoon might've been when we were lounging around in the pool, and Easy E went to the 2nd story deck and recited this little beauty from one of the most underrated 80's movies ever, Cocktail:

Paul, Manada, and Brianca joined the fray that day, and after a huge seafood dinner, Monday night shaped up a lot like Sunday.  Lots of bullshitting, people meeting people, and drinking games.  Fundy looked like he had MVP wrapped up (he called his server Queen Latifah when she was within earshot, we called him out on it, and he responded "Whatever, I'm never going to see these fuckers again!"; and his two rules for our women were "No bras tonight, and pooping only in the morning!")  However, Emily, who had put the kids to bed early the night before and didn't get to join us, came out firing starting at about midnight and stole the MVP from Fundy after he went to bed.  I also missed a lot of it, but I was assured by everyone who stayed up "OH YES, Emily deserves the MVP."  Paul and I recreated Walsh Hall 202A and slept in the bunkbed room together.  It was very nice and felt comfortable, but left me feeling a bit wistful, and that maybe the moment had passed us by.  Like sleeping with an old girlfriend after a few years of being apart.


Tuesday morning was the first day of me being unable to sleep past 5:15am.  This trend would continue through the rest the week.  Not cool.  The plus was that I got to sit on the deck, eat a leisurely breakfast, and enjoy the ocean and tranquility of a beach morning.  The minuses were literally everything else.  YEAH, THE WAVES ARE BEAUTIFUL.  CAN I GO BACK TO BED FOR A BIT?  WE DON'T TEE OFF FOR ANOTHER FIVE HOURS.

We played our first round of golf in Florida, at a course that we would find out later in the week was the home course of OJ Simpson.  I was all set to make a million "Yeah, we didn't see him golfing that day-- he must've been out trying to find the real killer" jokes, but then I remembered he's in jail right now.  Dammit OJ.  The round went about how it would go the whole week: pretty mediocre, flashes of brilliance, awesome scenery, and ball after ball after ball lost in the water.  This wasn't like Kansas or North Dakota courses, where you can spray a drive and just go find it in the woods.  At least 14 of 18 holes had water of some sort.

After golf, we chilled out in the ocean and pool (chilling out means that most people were only steadily drinking, rather than getting completely housed...basically if you didn't hit double-digit drinks until dinner time, you felt like you were ahead of the game).  We picked up JonJon, Amanda, Schne, and Katie from the airport; Teens' bridesmaid Kaylee and her fiancee Bird arrived alive; and we kept on truckin' that night.  Bird pulled a classic "I'm so excited that it's my first night of vacation, watch me drink ALL the beers!" move, and won MVP rather convincingly.  He may have ended up in Kaylee's doghouse, and we didn't see him until about 4 the next afternoon....but that's a small price to pay to nab the MVP award your first night, in my opinion.

Coming next week:  Part II.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013


A classic case that does a good job of spelling out where my life priorities lie most of the time:

Andrew Wiggins, by most accounts the best high school basketball prospect since LeBron, announced this morning that he would be attending The University of Kansas.  Shortly after, my buddy Lanny (one of the guys I share KU season tickets with) popped into my office to say what up. He hadn't seen me since the wedding, so understandably, the first thing he said was "Congratulations!"

To which I responded "I know dude! WIGGINS!"

In my defense, it was only about 20 minutes after the announcement, so I was still on my Wiggins high.  But seriously, at that moment, I had absolutely no idea why else Lanny would be congratulating me.  Dude, my wedding was DAYS ago, quit living in the past!  It's Wiggins Day today!

The other awesome part was that Lanny hadn't heard about Wiggins yet, so I had just broken the news to him. His facial expression was priceless; I think he would've had less of a reaction if I had told him I got left at the altar.

Anyway, moral of the story:  my wedding was the biggest event in my life...for three days.  Now it's back to my normal life, which constitutes caring way too much about sports.  Wiggins, you never returned your RSVP.....but you sure did come through with a great wedding gift!

Monday, May 13, 2013


Also known as Post Vacation Blues.  I've got them bad today.  It was an unbelievable week, and now I'm paying for it mentally (being bummed out that I have no idea when, if ever, I'll have that many friends in the same place, at the same time, in that nice of a location, for that long); physically (I never slept more than three hours in a night, never had less than six drinks in a day, and the morning after the wedding we drove 17 hours straight back to Kansas); and literally (the value of money has ceased to hold any meaning at this point...let's just say I picked a bad year to not hit the winner of the Kentucky Derby). 

In short, I am a shell of a human being right now.

In the upset of the century, I was starting to get choked up during my speech, while Teens, who cries 3-5 times during any given episode of Teen Mom 2, somehow didn't cry at all during the ceremony or speeches.  As a result, I cut myself off and got the hell off the stage, and as a result didn't get to properly thank the following groups of people:

- Everybody who helped out with general wedding stuff when it was not at all part of their duties: Jared, Smapes, Manada, LZE, Alyssa, Katie, Amanda-- as well as everyone who helped take down chairs, set up decorations, clean up tables, etc. etc. etc.

- Everybody who went above and beyone their duties:  My parents were champs last week.  Moms held shit down all week, and the Big Fella never hesitated to chauffeur people when he could've been laying by the pool instead.  Lane did a fantastic job officiating; he should definitely look into that as a career option.  Schne and JonJon had plenty of responsibilities as ushers, and with a little help from their women and a lot of hustle, knocked it out of the park.

- All the wedding party and guests: a lot of times you look at pictures of destination weddings and you see like 8 people there....let's just say we were extremely blessed.  You guys are all awesome.


I'll try to throw some stories together later this week....I just need a couple days to focus on not dying from Florida withdrawal.  Yesterday I put on my swim trunks, made myself a marg, poured a couple buckets of salt into the small creek that runs behind my house, and tried to re-create drinking and swimming in the ocean....didn't quite work out.  Worth a shot though.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Rejected Wedding Ideas

I was not the typical male during the wedding planning.  I wasn't the guy who doesn't plan a thing, and just lets the woman do it all (cough, Fundy, cough) and I wasn't the guy who was given some small responsibilities, screwed them up, and had my remaining responsibilities taken from me (cough, Horp, cough).  I was very involved through pretty much the whole process-- except for decorations; I don't play that shit, son.  I'm an idea man, I thrive on enthusiasm.  And Teens has been a GREAT sport.  We are actually using some of my mildly off-the-wall ideas:  having Lane be our officiant; engraving the word 'UNITY' onto my wedding ring; using the Masters theme song while people are being seated; and a few other small Easter eggs that will provide a chuckle or two when they happen-- HINT:  Wedding Crashers, Workaholics, and Jim Nantz are all being quoted within our ceremony/programs.  However, some ideas, unfortunately, fell by the wayside.  Some of the rejected ideas:


- Registering for presents on Craigslist.  Can you imagine seeing that on an invitation?  "The couple is registered at Target, Bed Bath & Beyond, and the 'Farm + Garden' section of Craigslist- Kansas City."  Shit, you'd get some awesomely weird presents.  And yeah, it would totally open the door to my friends ordering me a bunch of Man-On-Man Casual Encounters, but it would be totally worth it.  YOLO, bro.

- While registering, putting a note on the registry that says "Buy me Bonestorm or go to hell!"  This is one of my all-time favorite quotes from The Simpsons, and I used it on my parents for countless Christmases....but somehow I can't find it on youtube.  If you don't know it, you'll just have to imagine it.  And/or watch more Simpsons episodes.

- Invite Ron Barr.  Mr. Barr has been a big part of my life, all the way back to the days when he was imparting his insightful wisdom on old-school Sega games like NHL '94, Bill Walsh College Football, and many others.  Back in our freshman year of college, I called into his radio show to invite him to my family's Thanksgiving dinner, but after accepting on-air, he pulled a no-show.  I forgave him, and promised him I'd invite him to my wedding, whenever the big day came.  But alas, it was not to be. 


- Having one of those picture montages before dinner, with various pictures of the bride and groom, and the wedding party, or old pictures from college, childhood, etc. etc., you know what I'm talking about.....only set to One Shining Moment.  Taking it one step further, I've always thought it would be funny if a couple would take a bunch of random pictures of themselves playing basketball against each other, and playing a One Shining Moment montage.  Somebody do that for me before I die.

- Pre-recording the wedding party introductions in the style of how TV introduces offenses and defenses during football telecasts.  I'm sure that's not an original idea; I just haven't seen it done personally.  That would be pretty sweet.  "Easy E.  Co-best Man.  THE University of North Dakota."

- Having my ushers be JonJon and Finn, just so I'd have a 7-footer and a 2-footer next to each other for pictures.  I ultimately decided against it because my only reasoning for it would be to punish JonJon for not giving me or Horp friendship paragraphs in the program when we ushered his wedding a couple years ago (I'm a petty, petty man...but not that petty) and because I'm not sure giving a preschooler that many responsibilities is a great idea.  The work ethic on three-year-olds leave a lot to be desired.


There are at least a dozen worthy nominations for wrestling introductions that I can think of, but I narrowed it down to these three:

- If it was the year 1997 or 1998, and I randomly yelled out "OHHHH, YOU DIDN'T KNOW?!?!?!" and you were within earshot, but didn't immediately respond with "YO' ASS BETTER CALLLLLLLL SOMEBODYYYYYYY!!!!!!".....then chances are that you weren't a very close friend of mine.  That's just a fact about my life in 1997 and 1998.

- There are a multitude of reasons why it would be awesome to have turnbuckles set up next to the altar (or maybe just get married in a wrestling ring?  Ohhhhh snaps I think we're on to something here!) but the #1 reason would probably be so that Teens and I could climb up and give the audience some crotch chops and spit water on them.  Yo, Grandma Doris!  If you're not down with DX, then we got two words for ya!  SUCK IT!!!!! 

(Also, I've always thought the DX song was legitimately good.  If you blindfolded me and spun me around in a circle three times really fast, I'm pretty sure I'd think that was performed by Rage Against the Machine).

- Chris Jericho's entrance would be perfect if I was trying to interrupt somebody, as exemplified in the above video with The Rock.  I could wait until Teens is walking down the aisle, then fire up the Y2J countdown, come out from behind a curtain and stand with my back to the audience, letting the anticipation build, and finally announcing myself with a "Welcome to RAW....IS....JERICHO!" all while Jerry Lawler and good ol' JR yell in confusion and fear.

Wait, did you really think I'd keep it narrowed to only three wrestling entrances?  Shame on you.  Here's another:

- The nWo theme would be ideal if me and all my boys came out at once.  nWo entrances were the best.  It was always such a process.  First they'd slowly mosey out from behind the curtain.  They they'd mug for the camera, casually stroll down the aisle taunting fans, wander around the ring, flicking toothpicks, throwing up the nWo hand sign, and just being general shitbags....and then Hogan or Nash or someone would grab the microphone and talk shit for another 15 minutes, while the others (up to that point, no wrestler ever had more than one person accompany them to the ring...nWo popularized bringing like nine dudes out, for no reason at all) smirked, laughed, and continued to talk trash to the could literally go half an hour without seeing anybody wrestle.  Those were the best.

- OK no more wrestling intros.  What about this one:  Coming out like Puff Daddy & Sting at the '97 VMAs.  Lane, as the Officiant, would be Sting.  I'd be Puff Daddy.  I have this song on my iPod.  Teens will be 50 yards away, preparing herself to walk down the aisle, and powerless to stop me.  And have you SEEN my Puff Daddy dance?  It's on point, son.  You know what?  I'm not ready to give up on this one.  File this one under 'The dream isn't dead yet.'


"Boom! Shake the Room" by Will Smith

One Shining Moment (I have no idea how to dance to this song-- in fact, I have no idea how to react to this song besides slumping in my chair and crying a little bit-- I just really want this song involved somehow)

Apache by the Tommy Seebach Band

Return of the Mack by Mark Morrison

Too Legit To Quit by MC Hammer

Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground) by Michael Jackson (skip to the 1:50 mark and thank me later for the awesome synchronized dancing scene.  Fuck this song is awesome.)

Poison by Bell Biv Devoe


And so there we go.  We hit the road tonight, stay a night in St. Louis, mosey down to New Orleans and have a little pre-wedding honeymoon Saturday, and arrive in Florida on Sunday.  Then friends are going to start arriving, I'm going to booze and golf and lay by the beach and probably forget the reason why I'm even there in the first place....and then we'll get married on Friday.

Lastly, to answer a popular series of questions: 

No, I'm obviously not attending the Kentucky Derby this weekend

Yes, I'm pretty bummed about it

No, not so bummed that it's affecting my excitement for the wedding

I'm betting on Goldencents at 8-1 to win (it's Rick Pitino's horse, I met him a couple years ago at Derby and he seemed like a cool guy, and in Will Ferrell Zoolander voice:  "That Pitino is so hot right now").

Yes, I'll be back with a vengeance at the 2014 Derby.

Later skaters.