Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Bof Teams Played Harrd, My Man

Well Detroit looks donzo after last night; I know I am happy and somewhat surprised and I also know that my buddy Dan is pissed off. I would LOVE to see Shaq win a title without Kobe, and although I don't know if Miami can run with Dallas in the finals, I also don't think there is a person on the planet who can guard D-Wade right now. I wouldn't call him the MVP; I wouldn't even have him in the top 4 (Bron-Bron, Kobe, Nash, Nowitzki) but I think he might be the best all-around player in the association right now. Who shoots 70% on Detroit?

I'm kinda hoping the Detroit gets blown out so we can have a post-game press conference with Rasheed similar to the one from a couple years ago when he answered every question with "Both teams played hard." Every once in a while he threw in a "my man" but you get the idea. That was my all-time favorite press conference. Here's the rest of the best:

2. Bobby Knight's "game faces" where he makes weird faces for about 20 seconds and I piss my pants laughing.
3. John Chaney calling out John Calipari and then getting him when Calipari innocently wanders into the press room, leading to Chaney charging him and the two having to be separated.
4. Shaq's conference when he dropped the "Shaq....Haaaaahhh....He's the master of the universe" or just any Shaq press conference in general.
5. Allen Iverson's dissing of practice a couple years ago...."Practice. We talkin' bout practice. Is we serious? Practice?"
6. Roy Williams crying after Carolina's second round loss in 2004.
7-174. Any time Roy Williams cried in a press conference while coaching Kansas.

I swear if I ever get famous and get to do a press conference I'm gonna say nothing but "Both teams played hard, my man. Both teams played hard."

Monday, May 29, 2006

The Popsicle Final Four

In an epic final four in the 1st ever popsicle challenge sponsored by Gillette, Bomb pops aka Patriot Pops aka Red, White, and Blue pops narrowly held on against some fierce competition. They edged out the upstart Strawberry Kiwi in the semis, and after 3 seed Pina Colada nudged past 2 seed Banana in an ESPN Instant Classic, Bomb pops just barely squeaked past Pina Colada in the final. A great showing from all involved, except Root Beer. I can't get over how much Root Beer sucked ass. Also a big fuck you to my brother, who ate the last Strawberry Kiwi popsicle, preventing a third place game against Banana.

Since I am still incapacitated due to the tonsils being taken out, and I am all O.C.'d out for about the rest of my life, I have played about 35 games of MVP Baseball on the Deuce in the last couple of days. I am currently leading the AL East with a record of 94-55, 3 games up on the Yanks, but getting completely screwed in the MVP voting. Johnny Traitor Damon is leading the race with a .319 average, 35 homers, and 79 RBI (like Damon has hit 35 homers in his career, but that's a different story.) Meanwhile, Manny is hitting .355 with 45 homers and 111 RBI, and Ortiz is hitting .333 with 40 and 122, but neither of them is the MVP? Unbelievable. At least David Wells is the front-runner for the Cy Young. And at least I'm not totally pissed off by a video game's voting system for MVP. I'm off to play another 11 games until the painkillers make me pass out for the night.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Popsicles, The O.C., and Manny Being Manny

So I had to get the ol' tonsils taken out a couple of days ago, which has eliminated things such as golf, noonball, eating solids, and just moving in general from my life. On the plus side, it has helped reintroduce me to some old friends, like popsicles, Playstation, and my O.C. dvds. I watched all 27 episodes of season 1 in just 35 hours, which broke my (soon to be ex) roommate Nate's record, which had stood at 39 hours. It would've been even quicker, if not for the Sox-Yanks game on TV last night. I feel a little like I just broke Dimaggio's hit streak or something, 39 had seemed like an impossible number to reach. Nate is already claiming that the record should get an asterik, since I was sick and had an advantage. I am on the phone with ESPN to start my reality show "Hammen on Hammen" to show the people that my record shouldn't get an asterik. It's all about race with you damn media. Season 2 is on the way next, but I am starting to get a little burned out. Even with my man-crush on Seth Cohen, there is only so much you can take.

In anticipation of the tonsils coming out, I instructed mom, friends, and well-wishers to load me up with as many different flavors of popsicles as I could, so I could settle once and for all the great debate of what my favorite popsicle is. We ended up with 12 flavors, and after a preliminary taste test to determine seeding; the bracket looked a little something like this:

1 Red, White and Blue aka Bomb Pops: 1st round bye
2 Banana: 1st round bye
3 Pina Colada: 1st round bye
4 Island Berry: 1st round bye
5 Strawberry Kiwi vs. 12 Cherry
6 Root Beer vs. 11 Grape
7 Lime vs. 10 Orange
8 Tropical Punch vs. 9 Mango Tango

The first round held pretty true to the seeds, with the exception of 11 Grape knocking off 6 Root Beer. Root Beer was unquestionably the disappointment of the tourney, as it also lost its loser out game vs. Orange. 12 seed Cherry turned a few heads by winning the losers' bracket, outlasting Orange in the consolation final. Over on the winners' side, Bomb Pops (the overwhelming favorite) destroyed 8 seed Tropical Punch, 2 seed Banana cruised by 7 seed Lime, 3 seed Pina Colada ended 11 seed Grape's short Cinderalla run, and in a matchup where it was a shame that someone had to lose, 5 seed Strawberry Kiwi knocked off 4 seed Island Berry on a buzzer-beater. The final four of Bomb Pops vs. Strawberry Kiwi and Banana vs. Pina Colada takes place tonight, proably somewhere between the 7th or 8th episode of season 2 of O.C.

Even though the Sox lost last night, dropping their record to 3-7 this year when I watch them on TV, I thoroughly enjoyed watching my boy Manny Ramirez hit two homers, run through the third base coach's stop sign on a single to right, and capture a butterfly in a jar out in left field. Keep up the good work Manny.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Ode to the Dudster and the Coolest Night Ever

To the left is a picture of my favorite basketball player and real father (pending a DNA test), Chris Dudley. My love for him was born in 1999 during the Knicks' improbable run to the finals as an 8 seed. We had Dudley shirts made and the whole shebangabang. My buddies Lane, Dan, and I had the chance to meet him in 2000 in an exhibition game in Fargo. Basically the whole Phoenix Suns team (except for Jason Kidd, who is a giant douchebag) thought we were hilarious with our shirts, signs and non-stop cheering for the Dudster all game long. He even threw down a monster dunk in warmups for us; you could tell he was loving being in the spotlight, even though it was a preseason game in North Dakota.

Before the game I was talking shit to Cliff Robinson, after watching him miss 5 straight warmups from the corner. I told him to stay out of the corner tonight, it wasn't his shot. So midway through the second quarter he hits a three from the corner, looks at me in the crowd, points at me and winks. After the game Cliff is the first Sun out to the bus, sees us out there and comes up to us and starts talking. Pretty soon about half the roster (Robinson, Mario Elie, Paul McPherson, Tony Delk, Corie Blount, a couple others) are out bullshitting with us, as the rest of the fans look on in envy. Corie Blount even gave Lane 20 bucks to run across the street to pick up some tacos. While he was gone Dudley came out, and the whole team starting yelling at him and calling him over so we could get pictures. Dudley was grinning from ear to ear the whole time. When Lane came back he tried to run on the team bus, but guards tackled him and dragged him off, while Lane yelled "I've got Corie's tacos!!! I've got Corie's tacos!!!" Corie came out and saved Lane from a beatdown, and let Lane keep the 14 bucks in change. I have all kinds of autographs and memorabilia from that night, but I'll mainly just remember how we made Dudley the center of attention that night, and how he was probably getting shit for it the rest of the year.

Quick predictions for tonight: Mavs/Spurs will go down to the final minute again, with San Antonio's playoff experience being the difference. Look for a Dallas turnover or bad shot in the final minute, leading to the Spurs hitting the game winner. Big Shot Bob has been really quiet this series; could be his time. The Suns will hang on against the Clips in another close one. I don't like going against Sam Cassell in game 7's, but home court will be the deciding factor here. Also my beloved Sox will make it 4 out of 5 against the Yanks this year when the bad guys come to town tonight. Damon will go hitless and maybe get hit by lightning too.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Welcome to the next level, Manu

Great game 5 last night between San Antonio and Dallas, another close one in a series that is destined to go all seven. However, since I don't really like the Spurs, even though they have my boy Nick Van Exel, and since the only player I really enjoy on the Mavs is my boy Jason Terry, I spent most of my time hating on Manu Ginobli. It began a couple years ago, when he decided it would be cool to flop every other time down the court. Offense, defense, Manu doesn't discriminate. He is an equal-opportunity flopper. I don't care if he graduated from Kansas and was drafted by the Knicks--my teams--I would still hate him. Anyways, I think it was around the 5 minute mark of the fourth quarter, when I was thinking how sweet it would be if Mark Cuban picked up a sniper rifle, ran to the upper deck, and took Manu out, that I decided that Manu had officially reached level 4 status in my Hating Hall of Fame. This is truly hallowed ground, a level only occupied by two others. While we're here, I'll show you the Hating Hall of Fame.

Level 4: Kobe Bryant, Alex Rodriguez, Manu Ginobli
Level 3: Johnny Damon (quickly on his way to level 4), Roy Williams, Peyton Manning, Jorge Posada
Level 2: JJ Redick, Christian Laettner, Vince Carter, the guy from the Bengals who wrecked Bo Jackson's career with a questionable shot from behind, Digger Phelps, Vijay Singh
Level 1: Any member of the New York Yankees since 1995 (excluding my boy Kenny Lofton), any member of the Duke Blue Devils since 1990, Gerry McNamara, Nomar Garciaparra

So if you are a member of this list and you value the opinion of a 23 year old North Dakota kid who only plays sports in intramurals and video games, know that I hate you.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

And on the 7th Day, God said "Let There Be Hammen's Blog"

Hello friends and random internet users who have stumbled across this blog while looking up porn or killing time while dropping a deuce in their office bathroom. This blog will be a little about music and tv, a lot about sports, and plenty of the stupid crap that flies into my brain while studying/working/staring out the window of my 3rd Street "office." Enjoy it.