Sunday, February 27, 2011

Raise Your Hand If This Is You Today

I was gonna go with the part from Rounders where Edward Norton is bottom dealing and the table of cops catch him and announce "I caught a hanger, Sarge." You know, because saying you're hungover is pretty standard, but saying you 'caught a hanger' is so irresistibly cool....but I didn't feel like searching for a satisfactory clip on youtube. In any event, I'm hungover as shit today.

(Side note: I'll be a sonofabitch if Paul and I didn't tell each other we were hungover, in Brian Fantana's tone of voice, at least 250 times while we lived together. Literally every single morning after drinking. Never got old.)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

This House Is Falling Apart

>> Two songs currently dominating my head right now: 'Anna Sun' by Walk the Moon (thank you Schneweis, as usual) and 'D.A.N.C.E.' by Justice, which, if you've been watching any college basketball the last week or so, you might recognize as the song playing during the commercial with all the coaches "dancing" and clapping. After the first time I saw that commercial, I almost sprained my thumbs frantically googling that song on my phone. Love at first listen, for both of these songs.

>> I'm re-reading 'To Kill a Mockingbird' for the first time since 7th or 8th grade or whatever year we read it in's surprisingly kinda awesome. It's a much more enjoyable read when I don't have to worry about defining words and answering random questions picked by a maniacal English teacher. I got the Carney/Skinner doubleheader my two years at South Middle School, and while I'm definitely better for it in the long run, it was a grizzly bear at the time. When I saw Mrs. Carney around town, even ten years after I had her as a teacher, she still refused to call me anything but James. Needless to say, she was not a believer in nicknames. This paragraph really spiraled on me. (Where IS he right now?) Moral of the story: books are more fun when you're reading for pleasure, not for school. But don't take my word for it!

>> Maybe the highlight of my trivia career last Sunday night, when Lane, Jud, Mike and I strolled into a buzzsaw of 24 other teams, all but three of which had at least 10-12 team members, made up of various Lawrence "bigwigs", and took them all down. It's crazy how pumped I get about winning trivia like that, it's a weird source of pride. "Yeah bro, we might not be able to kick your ass, per se, but we are certainly in possession of more random knowledge that will do us little to no benefit during our lifetimes! Suck this dick, bitch! Step up and suck this dick!" Also, our team would've been able to ride in this charity's float during the St. Patty's Day parade, but unfortunately I'll be up in Fargo that week, so that dream goes unfulfilled. For now.

>> Since it's fun to end on a negative note, congratulations Tyshawn Taylor, you have officially joined Eric Chenowith as the only Kansas Jayhawks I have ever hated in my entire life. I'm sure he'll be back from his suspension this year, and I'm sure he'll contribute, and I'm sure I'll be forced to cheer for him again at some point...but I won't be happy about it.

Sunday, February 20, 2011


The only time I can relate to what drug addicts feel like is when I take my first drink of Coke after I crush a bunch of popcorn. I'm near convulsion, and I can practically feel the Coke spreading into my bloodstream (it gives me focus...makes me stronger.) My favorite food/drink combo there is, by far. Knee-jerk top 5:

1. Coke/popcorn
2. Strawberry Limeade/chili cheese wrap
3. Mac & cheese/milk
4. Squirt/chew.......I know chew isn't really a food, but humor me. Also, I know the preferred beverage while chewing, at least amongst all of my friends, is Mountain Dew-- "Chews and Dews, bro! Chews and Dews!"-- but one time I went with a Squirt (No homo? That's what she said?) and it was glorious.
5. Cookies/milk (the Santa Claus)

And now, back to our regularly scheduled 90210 marathon. Dylan is right in the middle of his obsession with guns after he got carjacked....shit's about to get real, son.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Thumbs Up, Let's Do This

A little while back, I received a text message from Brother that read "google 'leeroy jenkins' and watch the video, it's hilarious." This made me giggle because the whole Leeroy Jenkins thing is almost five years old now. It could be that Brother just managed to not hear about Leeeeeeroyyyyyy Jeeeeeeenkins! until recently, but I get the feeling that Brother is just now beginning to discover the awesomeness of the World Wide Web. He has always made fun of me for the blog, and still does, but he did comment on a post for the first time ever shortly after Christmas. Also, I may have him beat in internet savvy, but he's been able to change the oil in a car since he was 10-- and I have to have the guys at Jiffy Lube fill up my windshield wiper fluid because my old theory of "just pour everything into the gas tank and let the car sort it out" has backfired on me in the past.

But it got me thinking about youtube videos, and the phenomenon that makes certain videos spread like wildfire. Youtube has only been around since '05, but I can't seem to remember a time when there wasn't a youtube. What did we do without it?

Here are some of my favorite youtube videos over the years, in no particular order. (Side note: I'm not counting things like the Bloomington Bros, or Raaaaaaaandy! or Between Two Ferns. Not because they're not hilarious- but because they're originally from a comedy website. I'll also exclude 'Lazy Sunday' and 'Dick in a Box' since they came from SNL, even though youtube is what really made those sketches blow up. Side note to the side note: that 'Landlord' video that made the rounds about 4 years ago, with Will Ferrell and his daughter: not that funny. Not making the list.)

Boom Goes the Dynamite. Starting with the classics first. This one was probably my introduction to youtube, in a video that is the definition of when someone calls something 'a car accident.' It's incredibly painful to watch, but you can't look away. And for me, the infamous "boom goes the dynamite" line is only my 5th favorite part:

1. "Reggie Miller looking good"
2. mouthing "I'm sorry" to somebody off-camera
3. "Passes to the man"
4. Wayne Simien = Wayne Summers?
5. "...and boom goes the dynamite"

Tourette's Guy. I don't even care if it's fake, it's hilarious (also very NSFW.) I think it was either Kuntz or Weisser or someone who showed this to me in the Gamble Hall computer lab for the first time. Top 5 hardest laughs of my life. We're talking "people staring at me as I'm doubled over, tears streaming down my face, absolutely unable to stop or even quiet down even though I'm in a crowded public place" laughter. (Which also happened to me one other time in the aforementioned computer lab: the first time I saw this Gary Gaetti fan club website, coincidentally created by some dudes in Grand Forks. I still go back and read through it once every 6 months or so. The captions are gold.)

Whistle Tips. "That's only in tha mornin' supposed to be up cookin' breakfast or somethin' by then so...that's like an alarm clock...wooo WOOOOO!"

Star Wars Kid. Not holding up as well over time, but damn that was some funny shit the first 30 times I watched it.

Jamie Foxx ending Doug Williams' career after Williams starts bombing at Emmitt Smith's roast. There's a reason why right now you're asking "Who's Doug Williams?" It's so brutal it eventually becomes tough to watch. "Where IS he right now?"

Salad Fingers. One of the creepiest cartoons I've ever seen. Led to six years (and counting) of Hubert Cumberdale and Marjory Stewart Baxter jokes between Paul and I. Chelsey's Mike is a hard guy to agitate, but if you ever need to piss him off quickly, no questions asked, just fire up this video (ironically, he's the one who introduced it to us.) 60% of the time, it works every time.

Ante Up Muppets. I love puppets, I know I've mentioned that a time or two. And I love when people dub in other dialogue to puppets' flapping heads. Especially if it's a hardcore rap song, and especially when it's done this well.

My New Haircut. It's weird, this video is almost dated now, after shows like Jersey Shore and whatnot. But this video, to the best of my recollection, really started the whole making fun of guidos culture. Also, this incident from over three years ago still makes me giggle, what a dipshit. "Not right now Chief, I'm in the fuckin' zone."

Your favorites? I want you guys to hit me with some goodies.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Just Hand Me A Racket And Point Me To The Court!

A fairly common occurrence in my everyday life is when I use a somewhat obscure quote from a movie or TV show while talking to a stranger or borderline stranger. I can't really help myself; some of them have become so ingrained in my everyday speech that sometimes I can't lock it up. I have no problems with cursing or otherwise inappropriate quotes, it's not like I walk into a board meeting and announce "Howdy howdy, fuckin' partners!" or anything like's the other stuff that gets me.

Por ejemplo, on my first day at a new job, the guy who was training me in and I were searching for a missing number on the balance sheet, thought we knew what we were looking for, and when it turned out to be something completely different, without thinking I exclaimed "Samsonite!" As in Dumb & Dumber, trying to remember Mary's last name, looking at the briefcase, "Samsonite...I was way off!" And a period of awkwardness followed, as he (understandably) had no idea what I was talking about. I didn't think anything of's what I always yell when I turn out to be completely wrong on something.

So the other night I'm supposed to be meeting this guy off of craigslist (not for the usual reasons I meet strange dudes off of craigslist-- this meeting was entirely non-sexual) so I can buy the entire series of Arrested Development on DVD from him....$30 bucks, still in the original wrapping, what a steal! All I knew about him from our emails was that his name was Pete, and he was supposed to be tall. So when I first saw him approaching with the DVD's, I gave him a "Big...Pete? You're Big Pete?" and clapped him on the shoulder. If the lightbulbs aren't clicking for you, it's around the 55 second mark of this clip:

Well, apparently the lightbulb didn't click for Pete, either, even though he was around my age and certainly part of the Saved by the Bell era, and our transaction took an immediate turn into Awkwardsville. And once again I made an ass out of myself in front of a stranger. Oh well. Sorry for partying.

Happy Friday.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Why Early 90's Video Games Are Hilarious...

...I finished my season in Tecmo Super Bowl. Ricky Watters finished with 12,164 yards and 133 touchdowns....and didn't even win Offensive Player of the Year. William Thomas had 154 tackles and 66 sacks, but was somehow beaten out for Defensive Player of the Year. I would love to see the programming that goes into selecting the award winners for old school games like that. I'm not even mad, that's amazing. Don't worry, they both made the Pro Bowl though.


Here's why I think Duke/North Carolina is either the greatest or, at worst, second greatest rivalry in sports (Red Sox/Yankees being the other): I absolutely despise both teams. I hate everything about them. Along with whomever John Calipari is currently coaching, they are my three least favorite college basketball teams in the country. And yet tonight, like every time they play, I'll be watching the entire game. Because it's a great rivalry. Lots of people around here try to claim that KU/Missouri is better, or that Duke/Carolina is only a hyped-up rivalry because ESPN says so, and that's just stupid. People who continue to blame ESPN for everything are starting to annoy me. Just stop watching three hours of Sportscenter every day if you hate it so much.


I got crushed on my Super Bowl prop bets, probably the worst I've ever done, but I cleaned up on the random $1 side bets our party made throughout the game. Awesome. The $13 in wrinkled dollar bills I brought home from the party totally make up for the bloodbath that were my real bets. So I've got that going for me...which is nice. (Why are all the clips from Caddyshack of Carl Spackler telling his Dalai Lama speech disabled on youtube?!?!!? What a disaster.)

Also from the Super Bowl: three people compared me to three different commercials, independently of each other. Amanda said that she was reminded of me, both in looks and creepiness, when the guy in the Doritos commercial was licking Doritos dust off of other people's fingers and pants......the Nuessen sisters think I could've starred in the commercial with Faith Hill where the guy writes "Your rack is unreal" on an online card and flowers......and my Aunt totally thought of me when she saw the little kid running around in the Darth Vader suit trying to use the Force on things. I don't know whether to be honored that people are thinking of me, or to be offended- especially since all three commercials don't exactly paint a flattering comparison. Really, Nelle and Jillian? You can see me writing a card to a ladyfriend that says "Your rack is unreal"? I'm a wordsmith, son.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Bonus Weekend? Why Not.

>> Two more snow days this week. It's not even fair anymore. We ended up only getting about 8 or 9 inches (that's what she said) and most the town just shut down for two days. Unreal after living in North Dakota most of my life. It seems like Lawrence is in this weird safety pocket or something. Topeka (to the west) and Kansas City (to the east) will both get hammered worse than us during big storms, and we skate by relatively unscathed. Whatever, I'll take it. With the holidays, and now all these snow days, the next time I have to actually work two five-day weeks in a row is gonna be torture. After two days off, I can't shake the feeling that today is Monday, it's bizarre. Poor me.

>> Johnny Damon AND Manny back in Fenway Park 10 games a year, but playing for Tampa? Why don't you kick my dog while you're at it?

>> I don't know how many of you are big Sopranos fans, but I feel obliged to pass this link along. I didn't even watch the last season of the show because after I watched the first five seasons that were available to me, I still wasn't hooked enough to go out and actually pay for the last season (although of course I watched the last episode of the series after all the cut-to-black hullabaloo) but this is one of the best things I've read in a while. I'm a sucker for internet theories on TV shows and movies. It's a soft spot for me. Either way, this guy says there's no doubt that Tony Soprano was killed at the end of the last episode. I find his point hard to argue.

>> Saturday night is my buddy James' wedding. But the real news is that a certain QB for the Detroit Lions will be in attendance. I don't want to name drop, so we'll just call him S. Hill. No, that's too obvious. Let's go with Shaun H. I think the only friend I have who has gone to a wedding with an NFL player is Jon-Jon, when he attended Dallas Clark's wedding a few years back, and he has reminded me of that fact somewhere around 600 times. I predict I will be twice as annoying after Saturday night.

>> Initially I was torn on who to bet on during this year's Super Bowl. My newfound love for all things Aaron Rodgers-related is documented; but the Steelers have probably won me the 2nd-most money this season (I wish I knew the actual numbers here.....Blake Griffin would have to be the all-time leader. Between his last season at Oklahoma, and the 4-1 odds I got on him winning the NBA Rookie of the Year this year...he's better than my retirement plan.) And I'm confused by the Green Bay -2.5 line. So I just bailed on betting on the actual spread, and instead dove headfirst into the wonderful world of prop bets. Which really is the greatest thing about the Super Bowl. Cheer along with me:

- National Anthem: over 1 minute, 54 seconds. You haven't gambled until you find yourself in a serious discussion regarding the biggest opportunities to stretch notes during the Star Spangled Banner. It's gambling in its purest form.

- Coin toss: tails. Tails never fails, bro.

- First score of the game is a TD? Nope. I always take this bet, and usually lose.

- First coaches challenge: Steelers. Just a hunch.

- Distance of the first field goal: over 33.5 yards.

- 3 straight scores by one team? No. This should be a back-and-forth battle.

- Longest TD of the game: under 44.5 yards. I know I'm tempting fate with this one. Both QB's love to bomb.

- Aaron Rodgers total completions: over 22.5. No-brainer.

- Aaron Rodgers -9.5 vs. Brett Favre's rushing yards in Super Bowl XXXI. So basically Rodgers has to rush for 22 yards here. Just betting against past Super Bowls makes me feel warm inside. It's like they're retroactively allowing those of us who were 14 years old in 1997 to gamble on that Super Bowl.

- Dustin Johnson's 4th round score -12.5 vs. the longest gross punt in the game. I feel this is as close to a lock as you can have in a cross-sports prop bet, and I bet accordingly. If DJ shoots a 65, which is pretty stellar, all I need is for the longest punt of the game to be 52 yards or less. To be honest, my biggest concern is DJ making the cut. As long as he does that, I should be solid. (Which means you just know that there's a fluke 70-yard punt coming in this game. The Gambling Gods demand it.)

- Gatorade bath for winning coach: over 45 seconds left in game. I'm picturing Green Bay turning it over on downs with around a minute and a half left, down 4, and Tomlin getting juiced by Polamalu and Harrison as Roethlisberger starts taking kneeldowns. Green Bay won't be able to stop the clock, since they used up all their timeouts getting the ball back before the two-minute warning. That's just me though.