Wednesday, September 30, 2009
The only reason I go on the record and point this out is because I normally take more shit from my Minnesota Twins friends than anyone else. By far. People who claim that fans of the Boston/East Coast teams are the insufferable ones obviously don't talk to some of the people I know. So Twins fans: when the Sox are down 3-1 in the ALCS to the Yanks this year, down 6-2 in the 9th and about to be eliminated, and you're whipping out your phone to text me some trash talk, remember that I was pulling for your boys. (Also remember how brutal it sounds when you make fun of a team that made it further in the playoffs than you. Pretty classless 2008 postseason you guys had last year, texty-wise.)
While we're here, the mere possibility of a Twins/Sox ALCS would be a friendship Armageddon. Which I guess would be cool, because I've been needing to trim down my address book anyway. Lane and I were chatting about baseball today, and his exact quote was "If the Twins played the Sox in the ALCS, it would be win-win, because even if the Twins lost, I'd get to beat you up." And since Lane could beat me up while holding baby Finn in one hand, and I don't think I could come close to beating up anybody I know (except maybe ADawg, he's just a little guy) my only response to that is if the Sox lost that series, I would walk through elementary schools until I found a kid in a Twins shirt, and beat him (or her) up.
One last note: I can't decide if I'm cheering for the Braves to get in or not. On one hand, when Dunph (resident Braves fan) and I were discussing going to the World Series the other day, he was already telling me, in typical fashion, that the Braves have a better chance of getting there than the Sox, despite the fact that Atlanta was still 2 games out of the wild card at the time. On the other hand, at least he talks shit before Boston is down to their last out in a Game 7, when their own team lost in a one-game playoff to the shitty and overrated White Sox. So there's that.
(Chelsey, before you throw another handful of rice at me, please remember the beginning of this post, where I said that I am cheering for the Twins to get in. My ear still smells like enchilada sauce.)
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Freeze the commercial right at the 27 second mark, and just take a good look at that facial expression as he returns the dog. Tyler Hansbrough, puttin' the sex back in "sex offender."
Friday, September 25, 2009
- About four months ago, as the streak of Royals games I had been to without seeing a win crept into double digits, I circled this date on the calendar and predicted that this would be when the streak ended. It was just inevitable that it would happen against the Sox. Last week, as the pitching rotations took shape, and I realized it was going to be Paul Byrd vs. Zack Greinke, my reaction was one simple word: Fuck. And as the Royals put up a 5 spot in the first inning, I was extra crabby. Not so much that the Sox were losing, but more that I predicted it in the first place, and that it was so easily predictable it was stupid. (And also because WHY THE HELL IS PAUL BYRD EVEN STARTING GAMES FOR BOSTON? The Sox just straight-up released Brad Penny and John Smoltz, which is fine, I guess, they both sucked- but if the alternative is to cold-call a guy with an 88 mph fastball, who was sitting on his couch in retirement....then no thanks. I'll take the former Cy Young winner or the former starter of the All-Star Game, if it's all the same to you. Just ridiculous. Grow up Peter Pan. Count Chocula.)
- The other reason I was extra annoyed? I HATE seeing random streaks like this end. It's why I haven't gone to bed before midnight since 1997. It's why, my senior year in college, I was pissed at the girl who sat next to me in class after I lent her my pencil that I had been using since my sophomore year of high school, and she accidentally broke it. (I mean legitimately pissed. We were friendsies with bensies at the time, but I couldn't even look at her for like a week without seeing my broken pencil and getting mad all over again.)
- #3 funniest thing I heard from a Royals fan: Kevin Youkilis tapped a ball foul that David Ortiz deftly snagged off a tricky bounce from the on-deck circle, earning a chorus of whooooaaaas and some applause. Then as it quieted down again, a guy shouted loud enough for the entire stadium to hear: "That's an easy play when you're on the JUICE!"
- #2 funniest thing I heard from a Royals fan: There was an elderly couple in the seats directly to my right. After a Royals reliever threw one wildly to the outside and the ball skipped to the backstop, he deadpanned: "Tries the corner and missed." Anytime a guy old enough to have fought in WWII is quoting Major League, probably the best baseball movie of all time, he's a winner in my book.
- #1 funniest thing I heard from a Royals fan: Around the 6th inning, the requisite beach ball started making its way around the upper deck. Someone accidentally hit it too hard, and it toppled over the rail, down below to the good seats directly behind home plate. Everyone started immediately booing the poor girl, and one college age-guy stood up and shouted: "What the hell? Why'd you give it to the rich kids, they already get everything they want in life! And now they have our beach ball!"
- My new favorite douchebag move to pull at a ballgame: in between innings, when they do those little games on the Jumbotron where they put a ball in a suitcase or something, and shuffle and flip them around and you have to follow it and name which suitcase your ball is in at the end, and the whole crowd is yelling "Two! Two! Twooooo!" (this works great at Kaufmann because they made the game REALLY easy and even a three-year-old would be able to guess correctly) I love to yell the wrong number repeatedly, at a loud volume, and preferably throwing in some "Are you guys crazy? What suitcase were YOU watching?" Then when they announce the correct number, everyone starts taunting me and I can play the guy who refuses to accept that he's wrong and claiming the game is rigged (not exactly a difficult acting job for me.) Easy entertainment there. Fun for the whole family.
- At some point Alex went to the concessions for food, and the plan was for her to bring me back the greatest thing in my life, the crown jewel of my diet, the greatest $6 west of the Mississippi: Kaufmann Stadium chili cheese fries. After a few minutes, she sends a heart-stopping texty: They're all out of fries. I'm instantly in Nancy Kerrigan "Why me? Why now? Whyyyyy?" mode. I'd been thinking about those cheese fries since the moment I woke up that morning. My night is pretty much ruined. I sullenly reply that she should just see if they have pizza or something, and literally slump in my seat. The aforementioned elderly couple ask me if I'm OK (I'm sure it looked like I just found out my pet goldfish died or something) and I explained the situation. They understandably laughed at me. 15 minutes later, Alex had yet to return, and suddenly a light bulb went off in my head: what if Alex just meant that they were temporarily out of fries, and now it was taking her so long because they were cooking up a new batch? I was a new man. As Andy Dufresne taught me, hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. Then even more time passed, and my excitement waned a bit. I'm a natural pessimist; once the possibility of the worst-case scenario presents itself, I prepare myself for exactly that. When Alex finally rounded the corner, tray of chili cheese fries in hand, it was all I could do to not leap out of my seat and start cheering. I couldn't, however, keep a gigantic smile from bursting upon my face, which drew laughs and high fives from most of the section around me, who by now were aware of my plight. I even received a heartfelt congratulatory handshake from the old guy, like my firstborn son was just born or something. Moments later, as I began plowing through the cheese fries that had just put me through such an emotional roller coaster, I reflected upon the ridiculousness of my overreaction. Then I took another bite, and was reminded all over again why there couldn't be any other way. Hope IS a good thing, and no good thing ever dies.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Naturally this is all that anybody in town is talking about today (yet another reason why I love living here: I was putting on hole #8 today when a 70-year-old man pulled his cart alongside the green and yelled, "Have you heard the latest news about the brawl?!?! I heard one of the Morris twins pushed someone down the stairs!!!" 70 years old.) According to the background "facts" (read: what I've heard from the beer cart girls at the course, who range in age from 20-23 and have their ear to the streets on campus) this all started a couple years ago, with the football players having beef with Sherron "ain't no seats" Collins**, for reasons involving a girl. So I'm ready to come to a quick and irrational judgment on my Jump to Conclusions Mat: fuck the football team. Trying to ruin the basketball team's preseason #1 ranking? I don't play that shit.
Background on college football and me: when I was a youngster, I was a Florida St. fan, due to Deion Sanders. I was never diehard, though Charlie Ward remains my favorite college football player of all time- plus he really rocked the shit on Bill Walsh College Football for Sega. He was no Bo Jackson on the Auburn '83 team, running the triple option all over the field....but that's a post for another day.
For all my pretentiousness regarding jumping bandwagons and favorite teams, I admittedly waffled quite a bit with college football. I know that I loved Colorado for a couple years after I ran into Kordell Stewart on the CU campus when I was around 11 years old or so, and I also know at some point I owned a Florida Gators Starter jacket- I bet Stenj and I were the only dudes in the tri-state area who wore one of those. I went back to loving FSU again in high school, and then in 2001, when they won the national title and I realized I didn't really care that much, and knew I wasn't a true fan anyway, I officially stopped actively following college football. Then the BCS got more out of hand, and listening to college football fans bitch year in and year out about getting screwed, or arguments about strength of schedule, completely pissed me off. So college football was completely dead to me for a 6 year stretch.
When I moved to Lawrence, I figured I'd jump on the KU bandwagon, since I could follow the team closely and go to games and whatnot. However, that process has been slow to develop. Despite being on the stadium grounds nearly every autumn Saturday, drinking my face off, I've only stepped foot inside the stadium for one half of football (30 minutes) in 2+ years. I can only name 4 players on the entire team (the QB, RB, and top two WRs) and still don't care much if they win or lose. As Eldest Brother Schneweis puts it: "I'm a huuuuge KU football fan. Until basketball season starts. Then I don't give a shit anymore."
SO. Back to today. If anything serious comes out of this (suspensions, kids getting kicked off the team, lingering injuries to Tyshawn's hand) I am fully prepared to break up with college football again. This romance was hanging by a thread as it was.
Besides, I'm pretty sure that the four football players I can name are all seniors anyway.
**If you haven't heard the "ain't no seats" story, or if you've heard the ESPN commentators try to tell it and completely butcher it, it goes like this: during some 100-level class a couple years ago, the KU basketball players had set up shop in one corner of the lecture bowl to cheat off one another. One day, during a test, when the prof had set up a seating arrangement with at least one empty seat in between every student, Sherron strolled in late, grabbed his test, and took his normal seat among the other basketball players. The professor, motioning to the rows and rows of empty seats at the front of the class, told Sherron to find an empty chair and take his test there. Sherron, without even looking up from his neighbor's paper, yelled out: "Ain't no SEATS!!!" and continued on his merry way. Naturally, the prof didn't make him move, the story spread around, and pretty soon the student section had made an "ain't no seats" sign for home games.
Ahhhh Division I athletics. Sports at its purest level.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
26 years of eating fast food like I'm starring in the sequel to Supersize Me, and only exercising when it involves some sort of score being kept is catching up on me, and for the first time in my life, I'm looking down the barrel at two bills every time I step on a scale.
After my two hole-outs in 10 days earlier this summer, my golf game bottomed out to the point that I'm going back to square one and completely retooling my swing.
All these things are manageable. Ain't no thing but a chicken wing on a string. From Burger King.
I just downloaded a Miley Cyrus song.
And not because Miley falls into my Hilary Duff/Lindsay Lohan/Selena Gomez Uncomfortably Attractive At A Very Young Age Hall of Fame (she's probably the next tier down from that.) Some guy played the song 'Party in the USA' for Crappy Song Friday, then we started playing it every hour on the hour, because it completely ruins our boss' day every time we play it (a la Alfonso hearing any given Rush song) and one thing led to another and boom, I was hooked.
So THIS is what rock bottom feels like.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Casino- Sesame Street Version
Reservoir Dogs- Muppet style
But seriously, puppets are the best (Muppets in particular.) I'm aware that I find humor in stupid things, and it's not exactly difficult to get me giggling, but basically anything involving puppets becomes automatically funnier than if they weren't involved. I still watch the Muppet Christmas movie every year on Christmas Day while Brother shakes his head in disgust. Plus, the hardest I've ever laughed in my entire life was probably in the movie theater during Team America, that stupid puppet movie that the creators of South Park made. Like when people use the expression 'fell out of my chair laughing' as an exaggeration....well, I was steadily sliding out of mine, and I probably would have fell right out and slid down the aisle, with my own laughter tears greasing it like a slip-n-slide, if Ike hadn't punched me in the arm through his own laughter and told me to settle down because everybody was staring at me. Friggin' puppets.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Yes, I certainly do.
>> Please congratulate both myself and the Boston Red Sox, your MLB: The Show World Champions. 162 regular season games, a three-game sweep of the Texas Rangers in the ALDS, a closer-than-it-sounds 5-game dispatching of Detroit in the ALCS, and a 6-game triumph over Arizona in the World Series, three games went into extra innigs, Jonathan Papelbon blew two saves, and J.D. Drew hit a walk-off two-run double in Game 6 to set off a wild celebration in both downtown Boston and Apartment A2 in the Westwood apartment complex in Lawrence, KS.
>> The last few months I've been wrestling around with the exact order of my Funniest TV Shows, Non-Animated Division. The Office has pretty much had a stranglehold on the top spot for a couple years now, but It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia is making a strong, strong push for the crown. How I Met Your Mother is definitely in the mix, and Arrested Development is down another level, but still comfortably in 4th (it gets hurt because it won't ever have another season released, but word on the street is that they're making a movie, so maybe it can make a jump then.) Anyway, I never watch the seasons live, I just wait until the DVDs come out and rip through the entire season at once (a couple times for It's Always Sunny.) And as luck would have it, the DVDs of all three shows' latest seasons have either been released last week or is being released next week, so it's gonna be a big, BIG month for my top 5. I hope you're as excited as I am. I also borrowed the entire series of Rescue Me from DVJS, and have started dabbling in 30 Rock via hulu. Both are solid shows; 30 Rock, at this point, has a slight chance to crack the top 5 eventually.
>> One of the traditions among the golf course employees is Crappy Song Friday, where we all pick one brutal song and rock it on youtube. But there's a definite pattern developing: one of the other guys (or girls, when we let the beer cart girls in on the fun- which is rare because men built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn, and women have a brain 1/3 the size of ours) will pick a song, and as its playing, everyone will laugh about how shitty that song is. Then it quiets down and I'll softly admit that said song is in my top 25 most played on my ipod, and then I become the butt of the joke. The latest example: 'Return of the Mack' by Mark Morrison. I end up listening to this song all the time for multiple reasons: it was popular around the same time as the Flood of '97, so it gets nostalgia points**, it's fun to sing along to, and the background lyrics are borderline hysterical to my delicate sense of humor (the best parts are when he passionately screams "Oh my gaaaaaaaa!" during the chorus.) What a song.
**Other Flood Songs, off the top of my head: 'The Freshman' by Verve Pipe; 'Hypnotize' by Notorious BIG; 'Firestarter' by Prodigy; 'MMMBop' by Hanson; 'Wannabe' by The Spice Girls; 'No Diggity' by BLACKstreet; 'Pony' by Ginuwine, 'Your Woman' by White Town. One might say that 1997 wasn't exactly a banner year for American music.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Schneweis happened to be driving though Lawrence at the same time that Kos and Chelsey were visiting earlier this week, so we peeled our hungover asses out of bed and met the Schneweis brothers and the Leedahl family out for breakfast. Not many good things came as a result from that breakfast (I failed to finish over 50% of a meal for the first time since 1988, when my mom forced me to eat au gratin potatoes and I puked all over my plate) but there was one silver lining, at least- an endorsement from the Schneweis bros of the documentary King of Kong: Fistful of Quarters.
After only 20 seconds of hearing about it, I was in. Anytime the phrases "video games", "guy named Steve Sanders", "best movie villain since Darth Vader", and "so ridiculous you couldn't make these characters up" are used together to describe one movie....you don't need to twist my arm any further. Immediately after breakfast, I was sold. If I would've been on ebay at the time, I would have been pressing the 'commit to buy' button. Repeatedly.
A search of the DVD selections around town proved to be unsuccessful, as apparently documentaries about 1980's arcade games are a bit obscure. We were able to rent it, however, and Alex and I watched it later that night. It was, simply put, one of the most fascinating movies I've ever seen.
Now here's where it gets tricky. While I'd like to tell you as little as possible, so as not to ruin the events of the movie, I feel like you should, at the very least, be aware of Billy Mitchell. This is the guy who set a bunch of records and "peaked" in the 1980's. He's like the bad guy from The Karate Kid, Roadhouse, and Total Recall all rolled into guy. He has a loyal army of minions (that Schne and I agree might as well be wearing Stormtrooper suits) that help to keep his records intact. I won't spoil too much of the essence of Billy Mitchell, but he's the kind of guy who can say with a straight face: "It's like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. No matter what I say, it draws controversey. I'm kinda like the abortion issue."
In case you were wondering- no, this is not a picture of Billy Mitchell from 1982. This is, in fact, a present-day photo. Apparently the 80's were so good to Billy, he decided to just stay there.
The story, in a nutshell, is about a relative newcomer to the professional video game scene, trying to set a record in the arcade game Donkey Kong, running up against Mitchell's Evil Empire. I can't remember the last time I'd been so emotionally invested in a movie (probably the most recent Star Wars) and I don't think I'd seen Alex so fired up since Dr. McSteamy slept with Dr. McDreamy's wife, or some such rubbish like that. (As an added bonus, after Alex watched this documentary, suddenly my video game habits weren't quite so ridiculous after all.) After awhile, this movie isn't even about video games anymore. It's about Good vs. Evil. The Bully vs. The Underdog. Not letting the terrorists win. Everything you can ask for in a cinematic adventure. And it's even better because it's true.
So that's about all the pimping I can do, short of changing my name to Pepper Jack, throwing on a suit and matching fedora, and walking the streets smacking around my top dollar hos. Here is the trailer for King of Kong: Fistful of Quarters. If you can't get on board after that, then I've got nothing left to say.
But don't take my word for it!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
-- Hansbrough thinks it's hilarious to go through the Taco Bell drive-thru and order a Big Mac.
-- Hansbrough went to his 8-year-old nephew's birthday party, and they went bumper-bowling. He liked them so much that he never bowls without them anymore, because he can routinely break 100 now.
-- Hansbrough never hits 16s when the dealer is showing a 10. Then when the next card is flipped and it's an 8, he remarks to the person next to him "See? I just would've busted anyway."
-- Hansbrough just watched Napoleon Dynamite for the first time last week. Since then, every time someone asks him what he's going to do that day, he replies "Whatever I feel like. GOSH!" and then looks for someone to high-five him.
-- Hansbrough's favorite Ghostbuster is Egon.
-- Hansbrough wants to have a destination wedding. He tells people it's because he doesn't want all the stress of planning a traditional wedding, and that it would be more fun to get hitched in a tropical location- but really it's because he doesn't have enough friends to fill up a wedding party, and it would be awkward.
-- When Hansbrough is at the movie theater, after every single preview finishes, he leans to the person he's with and says either "Ohh, that movie looks awesome- I wanna see that!" or "That movie looks awful- I totally don't want to see that." He says this loud enough so that everyone in a 10-row radius can hear him.
-- Hansbrough still thinks that The Blair Witch Project was a real documentary.
-- Hansbrough asked his school counselor to his senior prom because it was the closest relationship he had with a girl the entire year. She said no.
-- When Hansbrough walks into a public restroom with three urinals, and all three are currently unused, he pees in the middle one.
-- When Hansbrough goes to a strip club and sits at Sniffer's Row, he doesn't bring any of his own dollar bills. He just waits until the stripper goes to the other side of the stage, then nabs bills that are already lying on the stage. When the stripper works her way back around to him, he gives her those same bills.
-- Hansbrough loves to tell the story that one time he suckered some kid into trading him a Michael Jordan rookie card in mint condition. When you ask to see the card, he says no because "it's, um, locked up in storage."
-- The age old question: how do you eat a Reese's peanut butter cup? Some people nibble around the edges, then eat the middle part last. Some people take two large bites and are done with it. Tyler Hansbrough takes a bite, then forgets about it, so when he picks it back up it's all melty, so he gets chocolate on his fingers and doesn't wipe it off, even after you offer him a napkin, and then he borrows your Playstation controller and gets melty chocolate shit all over it and doesn't apologize.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Here's my team this year, which I have taken to calling "Team Bounce-Back" because of all the fliers I took on people who I'm hoping will regain their past glory (Romo, Palmer, LJ, I'm looking in your direction):
QB- Tony Romo
RB- Chris Johnson
RB- Ronnie Brown
WR- Andre Johnson
WR- Donald Driver
WR- Devin Hester
TE- Bo Scaife
D/ST- Green Bay
K- Neil Rackers
QB- Carson Palmer
RB- Larry Johnson
RB- Lesean McCoy
WR- Muhsin Muhammad
WR- Jeremy Maclin
The only player I really coveted was Chris Johnson. He is my new favorite player in the NFL, and he was money for me last year (not as money as DeAngelo Williams, whom I cut and subsequently won the league for Kos- but still, he was pretty money.) I like my backup RBs, I think LJ is coming back this year, and when Brian Westbrook has his inevitable injury, McCoy could end up rocking the hossage like sausage.
OK enough fantasy talk, nobody gives a shit about anyone's team but their own anyway. But a few people have asked me what my team name (Philadelphia Daymen) means, so I would like to answer that question with a short video clip, from one of the funniest television shows in history. Kos and Haley will know what it means immediately, but for everyone else, this should clear it up. It makes me feel like a failure that whenever I huff spray paint, I can't come up with hilarious songs like Charlie can when he's under the same influence.
And now I need some help from you. There's a song by Goldfinger called 'Spokesman', and there is a guitar riff they play throughout the song, starting immediately with the first 3 seconds, and then a couple more times later in the song. It sounds really, REALLY familiar. I would bet my unborn child that this riff is sampled from another song, but I can't figure out which one. It kinda sounds like a part from 'The Grand Illusion' by Styx, but I don't think that's it though. This has literally been keeping me awake at night, trying to figure it out (well, either that or the aforementioned paint huffing is keeping me up. One of the two.) Here is the song, please give it a listen and help a brotha out. Alfonso, I'm sure you think Goldfinger sucks, but I would appreciate your help anyway.
Thank you and have a happy Labor Day weekend. Not drinking very much lately + Kos and Chelsey in town + opening day for KU football + I lost my big kid's job = time to get crunksauced. Like my man Dr. Dre would say, there are three types of people in the world: people who don't know something happened; people who wonder what happened; and people like us out here in the streets who make things happen.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
How could I have forgotten Tom Henke? His dirtball in Super Batter Up on Super Nintendo was siiiiiiick.
So without really going into any detail, all I can say is that I have officially become a victim of the recession. I apologize to any real-life friends who are finding out about this via the interwebs, I just didn't feel like having a million conversations about it. I never do well when people are trying to console me. I've never been a big fan of throwing pity parties, and the people I tell just end up taking it harder than I do. So don't cry for me, Argentina. Things have been coming up so roses for me the last few years, a little adversity will do me some good. I'm not gonna do....what everyone thinks I'm gonna do.....which is just FLIP OUT!
In the meantime, I've snagged a job at the golf course and so far it's been everything I hoped it would be. Just being around golf all day is a dream come true for me. It's not gonna do much more for me than pay the bills, but it's enough to keep me happy for now. I probably won't be making it rain at The Outhouse as often on my new salary, but I'm pretty good at living on the cheap. Example: trips to Sonic will be reduced to twice a week, and there will now be a $12 maximum. Just tighten the belt a lil' bit and keep on...keep on truckin'.
So you're not gonna find me collecting welfare checks and sitting on the stoop at 10 a.m. on a Wednesday, drinking 40's and blasting some Biz Markie- even though that sounds awesome. (bt dubs, that's an It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia joke, not a racist joke. Calm down.)
HOWEVER, Kos and Chelsey are coming down to Lawrence from Chitown this weekend, and it's KU Football's opening day on Saturday, so I'll most likely be getting unemployed drunk for a couple days in a row. Let's make it happen, Captain.
And now, to end on an upbeat note, here's a little clip that I've watched around 30 or 40 times by now. To be honest, the clips of the actual stand-up comedy are only kinda funny, but once it hits the 3 minute mark and they interview his deejay, it becomes epic. As a result of this three-part documentary (plus the rest the videos on laughyourdickoff.com) you can add "Raaaaaaandy!" to the list of words I use in everyday life that really does nothing but make people look at me weird because they have no idea what I'm talking about. Holler at your boy when you see him in the streets (IN the streets, hopefully not ON the streets. Big difference.)
Also, check out DVJS' blog to see about the adventures we had today with a rogue bird that got stuck in his fireplace. I wish his camera would've kept working, as the video only got funnier the longer we struggled to get that bird out the window (the end result was I ended up punching it through a bedsheet to finally get it out) but I do like the Blair Witch-style ending that resulted from his digital camera shutting off where it did.