Tuesday, January 29, 2013

My Mom Hates Black People

Little background info:  I lent my parents my collection of The Wire DVDs.  Both of them enjoy that style of show, my Dad grew up in Baltimore, it's the best show in TV history....I thought they would fly through it.  In a true contrast between people in their late 20's and people in their late 50's...that has not exactly happened.  Last year, Teens and I finished all five seasons in about three weeks.  My parents have now had my DVDs for about 9 months-- and they'd still only be on Season 2 or 3, except I've started bugging my Moms lately to hurry up and finish the series so I can loan it to somebody else (note:  I don't have multiple Moms, I just like to say it and spell it like I'm a member of Run DMC or something.) 

Maybe if my parents weren't so busy watching quality shows like Two and a Half Men and calling in their votes for Dancing with the Stars, maybe they could get through The Wire a little faster, but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, here was my update on their progress:

Me:  So how's The Wire going?

Moms:  Pretty good, we're about to finish season 4.  It's been a lot better since I figured out I can turn the subtitles on!  I can barely understand what they're saying half the time.

Me:  What?!?!  Whaddya mean, YOU PEOPLE?

Moms:  What are you talking about?  I didn't even use the phrase 'you people'.  I just have trouble understanding the slang on that show sometimes.

Me:  Oh snaps!  Omar comin', yo!

Moms:  OK, I'll talk to you later then.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Couple That Creeps Together Stays Together

Who's creepier? 

Me, for legitimately wanting to see this movie because my boo Selena Gomez is not wearing what one would call an excessive amount of clothing at any point in this preview...

Or Teens, for following Paulina Gretzky on Instagram solely to stalk her pictures with Dustin Johnson (Paulina's new boyfriend and Teens' #2 after Channing Tatum) and express her feelings about said pictures-- which range anywhere from dismayed muttering that I don't think she realizes she is saying out loud, to exclamations like "Are you kidding me Dustin?!?!  You stay away from that WHORE, she has a WHORE FACE!!!"

To be honest, it's probably a race with ultimately no winner and two big losers.

But still, let's get serious, Dustin.  I have to side with Teens on this one, Paulina is a straight-up dirt job.  She may be the daughter of the greatest hockey player in history (besides Jeremy Roenick in NHL '94, of course) but if we're playing a word association game, when I hear her name, "Wayne" is not the first Gretzky I think of**.  You can do better, DJ.

**I put this in a footnote since only Grand Forks people will know who I'm talking about, but I would align Paulina more closely to "Gretzky", the grown man who used to hang around the elementary school warming houses and try (and fail) to dominate little kids in hockey-- hence the sarcastic Gretzky nickname.  One time Kauk tied him to a chair for two days after Gretzky pawned off Kauk's TV, and the city stepped in and said they couldn't live together anymore.  If that story is wrong then I don't want to be right.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

What I Think About During Songs. Volume 6.

"These three words when you're gettin' busy...Whoomp!  There it is, hit me!"

Now I don't want to nitpick one of the greatest songs in music history.....but c'mon.  That's clearly four words, unless you're making "there't" a contraction, and I'm pretty sure that contraction doesn't exist, and there's a rule that says it can't exist.  Like you can't have a vowel immediately preceding a contraction that only has one consonant after the apostrophe.  Pretty sure that's it.  I had Mrs. Carney AND Mrs. Skinner back-to-back in 7th and 8th grade English, so I'm basically a juggernaut of the grammar game.  Kinda like the Jay-Z of grammar or something.  Whereas with this egregious grammar faux pas, Tag Team would be more like the Soulja Boy of the grammar game.  (Is it weird that I didn't just call them the Tag Team of the grammar game, since I'm using hip-hop artists for my metaphor anyway?  Maybe.  Whatever.  Watch the throne.)

This song has been involved in too many great moments of my life to straight-up hate on it....but still.  I've got these three words for you, Tag Team:  clean it up a little bit.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

The Top 5. Volume 19.

Partly upon request, after Ben McLemore's buzzer beater the other night capped off a big KU comeback, set off a wild scene, and led to an overtime victory vs. Iowa St.-- and partly because I realized I've barely mentioned KU basketball yet this year.....the top 5 greatest KU games I've attended, whether at Phog Allen Fieldhouse or otherwise.

Honorable mentions:

- At UND, 2001:  When making the non-conference schedule, Roy Williams has always been big on giving seniors a chance to play close to home during their senior year.  For that I am truly grateful, because if Jeff Boschee wasn't from North Dakota, there is no way in a million years that KU ever comes up for a basketball game.  I was 19, and this was was my first look at KU in person.  I'll never forget it. 

(Neither will Jerome Beasley, who went nuts on KU and immediately jumped on the radar of NBA scouts everywhere.  Based largely on that game, he was actually drafted in '03 by Miami, but almost immediately flamed out and was soon playing Noonball with us on UND's campus.  In games to 15, he would score at least 12 of the points, with all of us hanging on his arms and back like six-year-olds playing against their dad in the driveway, and yet he claimed those were his "workouts to get him back in the League."  I don't know if he is still getting paid to play basketball anymore, but I do know that he spends time in jail from to time to time beause he owes hundreds of thousands in child support.  There's a lesson in there somewhere, and that lesson is related to how you spend your off-season if you're a professional basketball player.)

- Vs. Baylor, 2009.  My first time sitting in Zim's high-roller seats.  After only watching games from seats closer to the ceiling than to the floor, this game was eye-opening.  I'd give my remaining testicle for just one season of season tickets directly behind KU's bench.

- Vs. Ohio St., 2011.  Dude, I was all over ESPN that day.  Holler at me, Jay Bilas.

- Vs. Texas, 2011.  This might sound weird, since this is the only game that KU has lost at home since I moved here over five years ago, and the game that broke their 69-game home winning streak.  But it was still an experience.  Thomas Robinson's mom died unexpectedly the night before.  The whole team and coaching staff stayed up and consoled him all night, so they were going on zero hours of sleep coming into the 3pm game.  Kyle and I (and many others) knew what was going on since we were internet savvy, but I'd guess at least half the crowd had no idea what had happened until there was a moment of silence immediately before the game.  KU played their hearts out in probably the most emotionally charged game I've ever seen live (not including #1 on this list) but they didn't have enough in the end.  And not to blame this loss on T-Rob's mom dying or anything, but if that hadn't happened, KU would probably be sitting on a 101-game home winning streak right now.  That's almost as ridiculous as Bill Self having more consecutive conference titles than home losses in his KU career.  (If you're a non-KU fan, you're probably hovering your mouse over the red 'X' button on your Internet Explorer right now.  I promise, there's nowhere to go but up for this post.)

The top 5:

#5.  Vs. Missouri, 2009

I scalped a ticket to this game by myself, since they were retiring my all-time favorite Jayhawk Kirk Hinrich, and even though I couldn't find anyone willing to throw down money and go with me (Missouri games are NOT cheap) I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't go.  We absolutely destroyed Mizzou that day, and there ended up being a professional panoramic picture taken of the Fieldhouse crowd that day (this one, actually).  If you know where to look, and you look closely, you can see me standing up and throwing up the 3-ball sign that has since become insanely popular.  I ended up buying and framing that picture, and if you've been to my house even once, rest assured I've gone out of my way to point myself out in the crowd to you while you pretend like you're interested.  (I appreciate your faux-interest, by the way.)

#4.  Vs. Texas Tech, 2004
My first time at the Fieldhouse.  Pure magic.  I have AT LEAST seven or eight shitty photos from an old disposable camera to prove it.  Plus Bobby Knight got ejected and we got to taunt the shit out of him, so that was fun. 

But mostly magic.

#3.  Vs. Iowa St., 2013

Damn that game was fun.  There isn't the opportunity for many buzzer beaters at home for KU, but when there does happen to be one, we know what to do.  (For what it's worth, this is not my video below, but it does the job.)

Also, regarding Ben McLemore and how awesome he is and how much I love him even though he's guaranteed to be a one-and-done at this point....he could leave for the NBA right now, like TODAY, just say "Sup guys, I'm gonna go work out and just get ready for the draft for the next six months.  Kiss the rings, I'm out."  And I wouldn't even be mad at him.  I'd still remember him more fondly than Xavier Henry and Josh Selby combined.  You do you, Benny Mac.

#2.  Vs. Texas, 2008 (Big 12 title game in Kansas City)

Just an extrordinarily well-played game that kick-started KU's run to the National Championship.  (It's easy to forget for Jayhawk fans now, but if KU loses this game, Texas gets the last #1 seed, and suddenly instead of playing Davidson in the Elite 8, KU probably gets UCLA.)  Chalmers hit eight 3's, Rush had six, DJ Augustin tore KU's defense up, there was tons of trash talk both ways....just a fun game to watch.

Immediately afterwards, Kyle and I hopped in his car and were speeding back to Lawrence to catch the Selection Show, and we had a classic Terry (Kyle and Ben's dad) Moment.  Terry is a KU fan himself, and Kyle called him to see how he enjoyed the game (which, I can't stress enough, was the most well-played college basketball game I had ever seen, as well as the clincher for a Big 12 tournament title and a probable #1 seed.  A reason to be overjoyed, if there ever was one.)  Terry's immediate response?  "What the fuck was Brandon Rush doing on that inbounds play with 30 seconds left?  Somebody tell him to get his head out of his ass!" 


#1.  Vs. Missouri, 2012

Unless they give Brady Morningstar another year of eligibility and he drops 100 points in a game, or I get called down at halftime and hit a halfcourt shot for a million dollars, or Jean-Claude Van Damme fights a terrorist disguised as a mascot and ends up saving the Fieldhouse from getting blown up as soon as the final buzzer sounds......until something like that happens, this game will probably never be topped for me.  Last game against our biggest rival (who KU has played every year since 1907) before they leave for the SEC; playing for the Big 12 regular season title; coming back from a 19-point second half deficit to win in OT.....just insanity.  Somebody offered me $900 cash before the game for my ticket, and I said no way.  I'll be honest, there was more than one occasion in the second half, when KU was getting killed, that I kinda wished I would've sold the ticket.  After the way it ended....$900 would've been a steal for that guy.  Bill Self was more fired up after this win than anything I've ever seen during March Madness, including the championship.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates...You Never Know If It's Gonna Get Swiped Off Your Desk

To give the necessary background info as quickly as possible: on December 26th, somebody in my department anonymously gave myself and the two other ladies whose desks are bullpen-style with mine in the office a box of chocolates for Christmas.  Only one of us was working that day, she noted that all three of us had chocolates, I showed up the next day, saw nothing but suspected nothing (since I didn't have any idea that chocolates had been given to me in the first place) then when the third office employee returned on the 31st and celebrated her anonymous chocolates with the other employee, I pointed out that I never got any, and we realized that mine had been stolen.  If you read that quickly, the details are somewhat confusing, but they're mostly unimportant anyway-- bottom line, there was a box of chocolates sitting on my desk at 5pm on December 26th, and they were gone by 8am on December 27th.

According to me and Encyclopedia Brown, there are really only four explanations:

1.  The anonymous gifter had a sudden change of heart and took the chocolates back
2.  The one person working in the office that day stole them
3.  An unrelated third party stole them
4.  The night janitor stole them

My rebuttals:

1.  Possible, but unlikely.  Your heart has shrunk three sizes that day if you're pulling that move.  You on some serious Grinch shit, son.

2.  Again possible, but unlikely.  Pulling a rip job where you steal something, knowing that the subject of the missing item will inevitably surface a week later, then acting surprised when it does and concocting the story of the disappearing item and deflecting your possible guilt at that point.....that's a level of fiendishness that I am unfamiliar with.

3.  Very doubtful.  There were only three or four regular staff working in the entire building that day, unless some faculty members came in at night to get some work done.

4.  Definitely the most likely scenario....

For some unexplained reason, me and the janitor got beef, yo.  (The janitors only recently switched to working overnights, so for the first 9 months or so at this job, we would regularly see the janitors during the day.)  I am generally nice to all strangers.  I smile and say hello to everyone I see in the hall, and if it's somebody I see regularly, I make an attempt to become at least small talk partners, if not genuine friends.  But from the start, this lady wasn't having it.  Her reply was usually a somewhat disdainful look in my direction and a "hello" through almost gritted teeth.  At first, I just thought she was anti-social, but that theory was thrown out when I noticed her being super-friendly and going out of her way to strike up conversations with the ladies in the office.  I started thinking about my own actions.  Have I ever littered in front of her, something that would she would take as a clear slap in the face?  No.  Not intentionally, anyway-- but it's not like I'm strolling down the hallways with garbage in my hands, so the possibility that I accidentally missed a garbage can while she was walking behind me is very remote.  Is my desk and surrounding area a disaster zone, that she hates to clean and, as an extension, makes her hate me?  Shouldn't be.  There are some occasional crumbs on the floor, since I almost always hammer my hot pockets at my desk...but no worse than anyone else in the office.  It's unexplainable, but she's just not that into me.

To be honest, I don't care that much about not getting the chocolates.  I'm not a huge chocoloate fan (the office ladies, who are well aware of my eating habits, immediately starting joking that if it was a bag of Doritos or a Chipotle burrito that got stolen instead of chocolates, I'd be contacting the campus police.  HA.  HA.)  But that doesn't mean I have to take this lying down.  It's the lack of respect that hurts the most.  Like I'm that sucka that can be stole from.  Yo, if she want beef, then I'll serve her a pork chop.  This thing is gonna end like Tupac and Biggie.  I feel like Snoop Dogg at the '95 Source Awards, except I'm yelling at the custodial staff.  Y'all don't love me?  Y'all ain't got no love for Jum Hammonds?  Well let it be known then!  I know where I'm at, I know y'all East Coast!

I mean, for real, if you're a janitor, and you're gonna screw around with stuff when nobody is around, at least solve some impossible math problems or something.  Shit.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

That Ace Could Not Have Helped You

The other night Teens, Hendo, Willis and I were at Six Mile Tavern after the KU game and met Bird and Kaylee, both of whom are much younger than most of us.  After we had been there for awhile, Kaylee made a comment about how the clientele was a little bit on the older side.  To me, Six Mile doesn't have the feel of an "old person" bar.  There are no sad old men bellying up at 10am to drink their lives away all day.  It's not strictly a Happy Hour bar, where the atmosphere immediately starts dying down after 7 or 8 pm.  I think the oldest song I heard played was either Michael Jackson or Hall & Oates, and there was plenty of Tupac, Lil' Jon, Muse, and even some Gangnam Style (I held out for so long and didn't listen to that song, but I finally broke down a couple weeks ago, and now I'm part of the ONE BILLION people who have watched that youtube video.  It's not so bad.)

But as I looked around, I realized Kaylee was right-- for every table of college kids, there were at least two tables of people in their forties and up.  I hadn't even noticed; I guess the average age of the patrons doesn't even register for me now when I go to a bar.  And it immediately reminded me of Matt Damon's opening line from Rounders (which, coincidentally, is one of the greatest opening lines in movie history, but that's a list for another day):

"Listen, here's the thing.  If you can't spot the sucker in the first half hour at the table...then you ARE the sucker."

Listen, here's the thing.  If you sit down at a bar and don't notice it's an older crowd in the first half hour....then you are part of the older crowd.  In Teddy KGB voice:  "Eeet hurts, doesn't eet?  All your dreams?  Boop!  Dyashed.  Hopes down the fahking drain."  OK, enough flirting with it, let's just all watch the final hand of Rounders together.