Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
"Psycho T" Tyler Hansbrough. Can't you just hear him roid-raging on his photographer? "Make sure you get the fucking basketball in this shot! I'm holding it up with one hand, bro! Can you do that? Probably not, you loser! I'm going to North Carolina! I'm gonna be a Division I athlete and it doesn't even matter that I got cut from the debate team and cried at Prom this year! Don't fuck this up, you only take senior pictures once! Make sure you get the black-and-white shot, my cheekbones look totally sweet in black-and-white!!!"
Darth Vader. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....a dark lord of the Sith made the groundbreaking discovery that The Force flows within you a lot more powerfully when you're taking HGH.
The creepy-ass girl from The Ring. I don't know about you, but I don't know any other 13 year old girls who can shoot a free-throw without grunting like Maria Sharapova, much less climb out of a goddamn well in under 4 seconds.
A.C. Slater. Look at him lift that fucking barstool like it's nothing! They don't just hand out wrestling scholarships to Iowa for free, son.
Tecmo Bo Jackson. Have you ever had a 99-yard touchdown run, carrying 4 defenders on your back, spending the first 7 minutes running in circles and backwards, then deciding to score? Me neither.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Thursday, December 13, 2007
3. Shawn MichaelsThe Heartbreak Kid. I don't know if anyone turned from bad guy to good guy more often than Shawn Micheals. Or better. He always had unreal matches, like the hour long match with Bret Hart, or the first ever ladder match, or being the first guy to win the Royal Rumble after being the first guy in the ring. I will even forgive him for kicking Marty Janetty through the window and breaking up The Rockers, which up to that point, was probably the most traumatic moment in my life besides my dog dying. Loved it when he would prep for Sweet Chin Music by stomping his leg repeatedly, as good ol' Jim Ross would exclaim, "He's tuning up the band!" Other cool moments: The Montreal Screwjob, when the WWF turned on Bret Hart, telling him he would win the match, then telling everyone besides Hart that really Micheals would win; and when Mike Tyson was the guest referee of the Michaels/Stone Cold match and knocked Michaels out afterwards, when Michaels performed the greatest "falling down like you got hit by a mack truck even though it was just a fake punch" of all time.
2. "The Macho Man" Randy Savage
Ohhhh yeeeeaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!! If you are between the ages of 21 and 35, there is only one tone of voice it is possible to hear that in. Macho Man was one of the craziest fuckers ever, epitomized by his elbow smash from the top rope. FYI: when checking into a hotel room with multiple beds, the first thing I do upon entering the room is a flying elbow smash from one bed to the other. At age 25. Too much information? Maybe. Continuing on. Macho Man was one of the greatest, if not the greatest, interviewer in wrestling, combining his craziness, voice, and unintelligibility into magic. Along with Hulk Hogan, Macho Man revolutionized wrestling in the 80's. The Mega Powers (Savage and Hogan) was probably the best tag team in wrestling history, until Hogan allegedly slept with Miss Elizabeth and her and Savage got divorced (in real life.) Speaking of Miss Elizabeth, how awesome was the storyline of Macho Man slapping her around after matches as the crowd freaked out? Only in professional wrestling could domestic abuse be cool.
1. DieselStarted out as the seven-foot-tall bodyguard of Shawn Michaels and basically just went around fucking people up. You knew he was bound for bigger things, and when Michaels accidentally gave Diesel the Sweet Chin Music, you knew it was his time. He went to the Royal Rumble and destroyed everyone, won all his matches in 30 seconds, and became champ in no time. I thought the best stretch of his career was when he would just interfere on everyone's match. The beginning of his music, which was just a diesel truck honking its horn REALLY loud would start, JR would yell, "Good god! Th-that's Diesel's music!!" and he would come down and powerbomb someone and leave again. Soon after he went to WCW and started nWo with Razor Ramon and Hogan. Known as Kevin Nash now, he never really got his props for coming up with nWo, as Hogan got most of the credit. Either way, nWo was sweet. Then he interfered in Hogan's title fight, jackknifed Hogan, and started the nWo Wolfpac, and that was about it for me and wrestling.
Monday, December 10, 2007
I would like to think that if I put my mind to it, I could also eat 53.75 hot dogs in 12 minutes. It's all mental toughness.
Friday, December 7, 2007
And as long as we're putting up ridiculous pictures, did you ever have a friend who you thought would grow up and be a child abductor?
Yep, me too. I mean, someone get Chris Hansen on the phone. I've got his next episode of "To Catch a Predator" right here.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Sunday, December 2, 2007
When Dick Vitale is making his prediction for national champ, does he have a coin labeled "Duke" and "North Carolina" that he flips, or does he stop and think about every other team in the country before eventually settling on one of those two?
'Cuz inside out....is wiggida wiggida wiggida WACK!!!
This is for people with uni-sex names. I ask Alex this all the time, so I'll use her as an example: if she met a dude also named Alex, and they hit it off crazy right away, and he was hands-down the greatest guy she ever met, would she start dating him since they had the same name? Would it be an automatic deal-breaker? How life-alteringly awesome would this guy or girl have to be to want to date them, factoring in the name situation? Has anyone heard of any couple like this?
When Adam Sandler has all his buddies act in all his movies (for example, the guy who plays his caddy in Happy Gilmore, a gay guy in Big Daddy, the lame girl-chaser who dresses like Michael Jackson in Wedding Singer, etc. etc.) how much does that buddy get paid? Enough so that he doesn't have to have another job? Does he ever run low on money, start getting nervous, and call Sandler up and say "Hey, dude, you workin' on another flick yet? I only got about three weeks' worth of pot left, man."
Who comes up with names of carpet samples? Our office is in the process of getting new carpet, so I took the opportunity to flip through the sample book, and, frankly, it opened my eyes to a whole new world of douchebaggery. Here are some actual names of carpet patterns:
Crazy Like a Fox
Darwin's Theory (my personal favorite)
Tremble With Fear
Crazy In Love
What?!? Let's get serious.
When (if) you were following the Maryland basketball team that won the 2002 National Championship, did you ever, EVER, think that the best pro on that team 5 years later would be Steve Blake?
What would happen if society changed the traffic rules so that cars always had the right-of-way instead of pedestrians? Walking in a busy downtown area would turn into an episode of American Gladiators.
The signs that people make at sporting events where they take the initials of the TV network and spell out something stupid....what is the shelf life on those things? I know they're not funny or clever now, and I doubt they were in 1972.
Lance Armstrong....are you serious? You, my friend, are currently dating a girl that was a star on a very popular TV show from the mid-90's that also featured the likes of Bob Saget and Dave Coulier. Not a real big deal, I guess, as long as that girl is Aunt Becky. The problem, however, lies with the fact that on this TV show, your girlfriend played a fucking TODDLER. Now I understand you have to have a cover so people will ignore the fact that you and McConaughey are always shirtless together, but still.....are you serious?
McConaughey: "Hey, bro, whaddya listening to right now?"
Armstrong: "Fuckin' Maroon 5, dude. Who else?"
McConaughey: "Me too! Damn, we have so much in common!"
Armstrong: "No doubts, no doubts. We're just a couple of regular dudes who love to go jogging while rocking out to Maroon 5. Wanna watch some Real World after our run, or what?"
McConaughey: "Sounds awesome, BroStrong! Hear that, I just called you BroStrong, kinda like LiveStrong, but I changed it up a little bit."
Armstrong: "Totally sweet, dude. Totally."
McConaughey: "Hey, did you ever get around to asking Ashley about what Mary Kate thinks about me? I mean, she would go for a regular dude like me, right?"
At the beginning of Michael Jackson's song Black Or White, and that kid is rocking out to some song and his dad is yelling at him to turn it down, is that a real song he's listening to? It sounds kinda sweet. I always wanna be like "No, Dad, this is the best part, I'm gonna listen to it, OK?" right along with him. And while we're here, I heard the rumor that it is Macaulay Culkin doing that part. No way, but it does sound a LOT like Smalls from The Sandlot. Anyone know?
Was Doug Funnie the biggest main character loser in TV history? I guess I stopped watching Doug when I started noticing members of the opposite sex, and discovering hair in places where there was no hair before, but as far as I know, I don't think he ever came close to ever getting a piece from Patty Mayonnaise. Just tell her you're obsessed with her!!! Girls love that. Plus, his fantasy superhero self wore his underwear outside his pants and a belt on his head. That's brutal.