Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Rock Chalk Talkin'

Here is my first article on Rock Chalk Talk.  Read it, enjoy it, pass it along to everyone.

Oh, and here's a bonus for you guys that I didn't think of earlier, but it was the first reaction after the announcement for a bunch of my least now you guys have the option to argue with each other in the comments section again!  I think we all miss those days a little bit.

Monday, July 7, 2014


Well, gang, I have news.

Last week I got picked up by to write about my beloved Kansas Jayhawks.  While it ain't gonna pay much, it's certainly going to pay more than The Slice does.  (There were a couple instances when somebody bought me a beer as a thank you for keeping them entertained at we'll generously call it $15 over eight years.)

As I've been thinking for a couple of years now (and as some of my closest and dearest friends love to remind me every chance they get) both the quantity and quality of The Slice has been in a steady decline.  I've been bored with listening to myself for a long time now; I've only kept going since you guys seemed to enjoy it.  So thank you for that, but I'm excited for the opportunity to do something different.

Part of the reason I loved doing The Slice so much was that I enjoyed it.....but ultimately, didn't really give much of a crap about it.  I never really talked about the blog much IRL.  Word of mouf was the only way it was gonna spread, cause I wasn't going to be pimping it on Facebook, or mass emailing my friends and telling them to read it or anything.  (One of my favorite moments ever was when Deuce linked one of my own blog posts to my Facebook page because he thought it was awesome.  Thanks for the pub, Deuce!)  If you found the blog and enjoyed it, cool dude, have fun.  I was never going to ram it down anybody's throat.  Unfortunately, I may have to do some minor throat-ramming now.  During the equivalent of two presidential terms, I haven't asked much of you guys, but now I need a favor.  When I start regularly posting to rockchalktalk, I'll be putting up links to my articles here, and I need you guys to pass them around.  Maybe you don't follow college basketball.  Maybe you do, but you actively hate KU.  Maybe one day in high school, you were hanging out with your best friend, having a backboard-slapping contest on top of a roof, but he went too hard, broke right through it, fell off the roof and died, and now you hate the sport of basketball.  Whatever the case may be, I still want you guys forwarding it on to everyone you know.  GIMME DEM CLICKS, SON!

I'm not pulling a P. Diddy and shutting down the studio.  I can't promise that I won't get the urge to blog about Selena Gomez or Hot Pockets or 90's hip-hop again.  And where else can I use obscure Star Wars references, or talk about how awesome and hilarious me and my friends are?  So the blog won't be completely abandoned just yet.

However, I do know that I'll be out of town a lot this month (Easy E and Schne are getting married two weeks apart, get ready to hit that wedding dance floor!  It ain't the Butterfly, it's the Tootsee Roll!) and what time I do have for writing in the foreseeable future will be spent on the new gig.  So.  I guess my point is that for those of you that constantly refresh The Slice looking for a new post (luv u 4ever for that) you can save yourself the effort for a bit.  My friend Amber, of co-hosting the news with Ron Burgundy fame, has told me that her strategy the last couple years has been to just check once a month, and kill 20 minutes at once reading all the posts she missed.  That might be the best play for everyone for a while.

In summary, I don't want to make this sound like The Slice is coming to an end.  However, there is a chance this is it, and I wanted to at least tip my hat to all the loyal readers out there for enjoying my ramblings.  You guys are awesome.

So I'm not going to say goodbye quite yet.  Let's just call this "see you later."

Tuesday, July 1, 2014


Apparently Philly Steak & Cheese Hot Pockets are being recalled, due to a previously announced recall from a California meat company, deeming the gloriously flavored steak "not fit for human food."

I currently have a box of these little gems in my freezer right now.  If you don't think I'm going to ignore this recall, and eat the 'Pocks for lunch sometime this week.....then you, my friend, have not been paying attention to this blog very well.  "Not fit for human food."  C'mon, I already knew that.  They're fucking Hot Pockets.  Don't make me feel worse about this lifestyle choice than I already do.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

I Got This Killa Up Inside Of Me

This is the song I was bumping the other day driving through campus on my way home from work when I happened to pass Cliff Alexander (incoming freshman and top 5- nationally ranked recruit in the nation) walking down the sidewalk.

I'm not usually one to be blasting my music so loud that everyone can hear it, especially when it's rap.  I'm much more likely to be following the Michael Bolton in Office Space strategy.  But on this particular day, we had just finished off our fiscal year end and I was feeling pretty good about myself, so I was rolling with my windows down and my system up, as Eminem might say.

This is when I happened upon Mr. Alexander.  He glanced over when he heard M.O.P., and got a good chuckle when he saw a white boy driving.  As I mentioned, I was feeling frisky, so rather than hastily rolling up my window and mashing the volume down, I embraced his laughter, hung my head out the window, and yelled, "How about some hardcore, Cliff?  Rock Chaaaaalk!"

Have I mentioned lately that I love working at KU?

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Applications For The Wolfpack

From left:  Hendo, Me, Double D, Marcus Mumford wearing Russell Westbrook's glasses, JDub.  My apologies for the poor quality of the picture.  It looks like it was taken with a disposable camera in 1993, but you can tell that it's not that old because of Double D's shirt.  Oh wait.  I guess you'll just have to trust me that it's not from 1993.

Recently, we lost a good man from our crew.  Hendo received a job opportunity he couldn't pass up, moved almost six hours away, and just like that, our four-man wolfpack was down a member.  Everything moved so quickly that I don't think the remaining three members have a full grasp on the fact that Hendo is actually gone.  I've been listening to a lot of Boyz II Men lately.  It sucks.

In the meantime, we really need a replacement Hendo.  A wolfpack needs to be four, not three.  Three is too many for a regular tag-team match, but not enough for a Survivor Series rumble.

So we'll be placing an advertisement in the local newspapers and job posting websites shortly.  We're not expecting to fully fill his shoes, nobody could-- but we'll take as close to a replacement as we can get.  Here's a sneak peak at the requirements for all applicants:

Required qualifications:  Must enjoy golfing, drinking, acting afool.  Above average ability in lawn and/or tailgating games a must.  Participation in, and enjoyment of, pointless arguments such as "If you could only hear one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?" or "If you had to die tomorrow, how would you choose to go out?"  Must possess a healthy lust for video games; including, but not limited to, Call of Duty, NBA Jam, MarioKart, and Golden Tee.  Must be, at minimum, a diehard college basketball fan.  Having an unhealthy obsession with the sport is not frowned upon.  Potential applicants who cannot name at least 50% of Final Four participants for the last decade need not apply.

Preferred qualifications:  Ability to hit a golf ball a long, long way.  Membership to Cigar of the Month Club-- possession of a humidor a huge plus.  Proficiency in Microsoft Excel, in order to manage our major golf tournament gambling spreadsheets.  While members of all college basketball fan bases will be tolerated, some are more welcomed than others (being a fan of someone other than the Kentucky Wildcats immediately gives you a leg up on your predecessor.)  Should consider watching multiple episodes of a TV show back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back "quality hanging out time."  Legitimate knowledge of a musical instrument also a plus.

Please attach a cover letter, resume, three references, and your top 5 list of movies that you would bring with if you were stranded on a desert island.  Thank you.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Started From The Bottom Now We're Here

It wasn't too long ago that I was one of the worst tailgaters in all of Omaha, Nebraska during the second weekend of June every year.  Getting black out drunk and getting separated from my only friend before nightfall; getting thrown out of Rosenblatt for not being "committed to a particular tailgate"....just about every move I made was bush league.

But now, I've attended the College World Series seven years in a row.  And thanks in part to those other two knuckleheads pictured above, Addy and Gangel, we're a well-oiled machine.  We're grizzled vets-- we know our roles, and we play them well.  No more getting tossed from the premises, or forgetting why people are calling you 'Josh Beckett' at a party that you don't remember going to, or running out of supplies at the tailgate.  It's smooth sailing now.  Pack the car to within an inch of its life, be one of the first cars in Lot B, get the grill set up, throw up the beanbags and jumbo jenga and wait for the random strangers to roll in, make friends with the strangers, bing bang boom.  Now, when ESPN comes by to record our tailgate during one of their lead-ins to commercial, we barely even bat an eye (especially Addy, amirite?)  We're able to act like we've been there before.  Lot B Champions.  (I mean, we did kill the battery in Nicole's car before noon, but c'mon, nobody's perfect.  Don't be a dick, man.)

So, even though by "growing up" I'm really talking about "sitting in a parking lot for 13 hours and drinking enough beers to drown a horse".....still, it feels good to be growing up.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Bach Party Drinking Power Rankings

Top row:  Ike
Middle row:  Russell, Me, BroMo, Morley
Bottom row:  Jake, Murph, Easy E, T-Nels, Fundy, Schultzy, Tommy
Not pictured:  AJ, Endo, Kory, Gundy

16.  AJ (not my brother though)-  He was only able to make it for the round of golf Saturday morning.  I'm not even sure if he had one beer, but he did lose his wedge in a lake on #7, so I feel comfortable including him on the list, even if he was dead sober.

15.  Kory-  The only time I hung out with him for an extended period of time was during one stretch of blackjack when everyone else disappeared.  We got along great, mostly because he was laughing at all my blackjack shit-talking schtick, so he couldn't have been too drunk, right?  Clearly his judgment wasn't impaired at all if he found ME funny.

14.  Endo-  Managed to pull a bastardized version of an Irish Exit before 7pm.  We left him at the tables at Canterbury, he never made it on the shuttle to Mystic Lake, and we didn't see him the rest of the night.

13.  Tommy-  I know for a fact that Tommy did something really stupid during the day on Saturday, something that we subsequently ripped on him for-- a joke that lasted a few hours at least.  However, I have absolutely no recollection of what that thing was.  This is one of the reasons why my spot on this list is still quite a ways away.

12.  Jake-  If this was the cigarette smoking power rankings, he'd be #1 in a landslide.  The judges would also have accepted 'eating continental breakfast with his headphones in' as well as 'muttering "Goddammit Russell."'

11.  Gundy-  He was responsible enough, he did a bang-up job during his shifts on Easy E patrol...but he was also staying on 12s against a dealer showing 10 multiple times at the blackjack table at Mystic Lake.  What the fuck.

10.  Ike-  Ike pretty much just has one speed now.  Back in the day, he was one of our more volatile drunks.  He's put a few holes in the doors/walls in his old apartment, and I wish I had a taco for every time I've talked some random guy out of beating the crap out of Ike-- since he loves to chirp at dudes ten times stronger than he is.  But now, whenever we booze together, he pretty much just gets hammered, then spends most of the rest the night talking about how he can't drink like this anymore, and that he might die from his hangover the next day.  Rinse, repeat, see you at the wedding next month.  Can't really blame him; dude's got like nine kids now or some shit.

9.  Murph-  I don't have anything to say one way or the other about Murph.  He was everywhere, and he was nowhere.  The middle of the rankings is perfect for him.

8.  Schultzy-  Was going around slapping everyone in the dick, and when someone would (inevitably and obviously) ask him why the hell he just did that, he would respond "That's what you get for being a pussy."  So to recap, if you are a pussy, you get punched in the dick.

7.  BroMo-  He dipped out early on Friday night to bone one of LZE's friends, when everyone knows bachelor parties are supposed to be duders before hooters.  Then again, we were hanging out with ex-strippers old enough to be our mother (see below) so I'm not sure I can really dock him points for that choice.

6.  Russell-  Pretty much just for this picture alone.  I don't know who put one of our shirts on that woman, and frankly, I think I'm better off not knowing.

5.  Morley-  Befriended a 54-year-old ex-stripper during Cosmic Bingo, who then hung out with us for a loooong time after that.  I'm about 80% sure that her and her husband were swingers and were out on a scouting trip.  Weirdly enough, she looked eerily like Manada's roommate from freshman year of college, so we started calling her 'Nadean of the Future.'  That joke is funnier if you paid any attention to the Disney Channel lineup in the mid-2000s.

4.  Me-  I could almost see sliding myself down a few spots; I mean, I was in control enough to be on Easy E patrol at the end of the night on Friday.  But if I did move myself down the list, then one of my buddies would read this and probably call me and say something like "Yeah, but remember when the opening notes of 'Party in the USA' started during bingo and you immediately stood up and shouted "Who's that chick that's rockin' kicks!  She's gotta be from out of town!"  Or when you pointed at the elderly black lady playing slots and said you were going to go smell Rosa Parks' hair?" So I'll just leave myself at #4.  I was up to the bridge of my nose in a LOT of hair that night.

3.  Fundy-  He was talking to all kinds of strangers all weekend, and if you know Fundy, that alone is enough to vault him into top 3.  Fundy initiating conversation with everyday strangers is the equivalent of you or I walking up to Kim Jong-un or Charles Manson or somebody, saying what up, and offering a fist bump.

2.  T-Nels-  He pulled off the ol' Daily Double on Saturday.  He was hammered enough at 6pm to be falling asleep as we ate dinner in the food court, took the next few plays off, then got re-drunk and rallied to an impressive finish, eventually having a "dance-off" in the middle of the casino floor towards the end of the night.  I put that in quotation marks because it wasn't much of a competition.  It was Fundy and T-Nels, doing the white boy dance where you move your arms more than you move your feet, going up against a couple of black guys who were legit break-dancing.  So you could say Fundy & T-Nels almost won the dance-off, in the same sense that Custer almost won the Battle of Little Bighorn.

1.  Easy E-  If you ask him, I'm sure he won't agree with this ranking, since his performance on Saturday was pretty mundane.  That's my point, though.  He went wayyyyyy too hard on Friday, to the point that his performance on Saturday was severely lacking.  So basically, it was like EVERY OTHER TIME IN OUR LIVES THAT WE'VE DRANK BEERS MORE THAN ONE DAY IN A ROW.  At some point, the ability to not get Patrick Ewing'd the first night of a vacation and ruining the second day has to kick in.  Either that, or he needs to be better at being hungover.  Dude, it's 3am, and we have a 10am tee time tomorrow.  You know, when everyone else is joining up for your actual bachelor party, you remember that?  You probably don't need to order two tall Mich Goldens and a Skinny Pirate right now.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

I Feel So Much Like Giving Up

So Minneapolis....I left about noon on Friday, arrived about 7pm, and boozed til about 3am.  Woke up, started drinking when we teed off at 10am, and stayed saucy until 4am that night.  Then turned around and was on the road again at 11am on Sunday.  So if you're scoring at home, that's 14 hours of driving, 14 hours of sleeping/eating breakfast/showering, and 26 hours of drinking.  Or, by using selective endpoints, we can make it sound more badass:  Starting Friday night at 7, I was drunk for 26 of the next 33 hours.

During my insanely hungover drive home on Sunday, I saw a deer get absolutely destroyed by a car on the interstate.  And my second thought (right after "HOLY FUCK!!!") was that I was just a tiny bit jealous of the deer, since at least it was all over for him now, while I still had a bunch of interstate in front of me, and this hangover was effing brutal. 

And we haven't even got to the part yet where Sunday night was Hendo's going-away party, so I had to go out drinking AGAIN that night.  A true bender, especially for a 31-year-old.

So all of this is to say that a recap post will be coming, but you've got to give me some time to recover-- mentally, physically, and emotionally.  So you should see something from me sometime in mid-October. 

I know I've used this joke at least once at some point in this blog's existence, but basically this hangover is the equivalent of Owen Wilson's entire life during the last half hour of Wedding Crashers.  I've been trying to come up with a name for it, like maybe calling it a 'Beckwith' in honor of his character's name or something like that, but ironically enough, I've been too hungover to come up with one.  Does anyone ever feel like they're disappearing?

Friday, June 6, 2014

What Comes Before Part-B? PART-A!

We've got Easy E's bachelor party this weekend in Minneapolis, so I'm about to hop on the interstate for one of my many trips up I-35 this summer.  I'm looking forward to golfing, gambling on horses at Canterbury, gambling on pocket aces and hard 14's at Mystic Lake, potentially falling into the proverbial raspberry patch, and Easy blacking out and insisting on watching war movies at the end of the night, immediately followed by him falling asleep sitting upright, with a beer in his hand.  (Cue up this classic song.  "Yo man, you see Eazy hurling in the parking lot?")

Last time I spent time in Minneapolis, this happened.  This weekend, not only do we have that exact same crew (me, Morley, Easy E, Fundy, and T.Nels) but we're adding another 10 dudes on top of that-- no homo.

So this should go well.  Probably won't drink too much or anything.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Home Ownership

You know what's awesome?  When your next-door neighbors have moved away, but the house hasn't sold yet.  Now the lawn barely ever gets mowed, and so no matter how shitty my lawn looks (which is pretty shitty, don't get it twisted) it still looks immaculate compared to the adjacent lawn, which looks like Robin Williams just rolled double threes during a game of Jumanji. 

So I'm going to go ahead and adjust my mowing schedule accordingly-- meaning you'll be lucky to see me out there more than twice a month.  Edging and trimming just got rescheduled to once every six weeks.  Spraying for weeds and watering the grass will occur during the next political regime change in Cuba, or whenever Halley's Comet appears again, whichever comes first.

(On a related note, if you ever wanted to live next door to me, now's your chance.  It's a great 5 bedroom, 3 bathroom unit, built in 2001 and ready for immediate move-in.  Yard needs work.)

Thursday, May 29, 2014

The Top 5. Volume 22.

My favorite sports celebrations.

I tried to keep this list confined to one-off celebrations, not dances that were repeated over and over.  So this eliminated things like the Ickey Shuffle, the Atlanta Falcons' Dirty Bird, almost everything The U did back in the late 80's, and unfortunately for me personally, Deion Sanders' gangsta boogie. 

Honorable mentions, Just Keep On Runnin' Division:

Bo Jackson vs. Seattle Seahawks

Drew Nicholas hits a buzzer beater and sprints right off the floor.

Next time I hit a huge buzzer beater, that's the move I'm pulling, just running right off the floor.  Alas, in real life, I had a chance to win a big city league game a few weeks ago, going almost the length of the floor in four seconds....but I air-balled my running floater from the free throw line and we lost in overtime.  Sad.  (Although I don't know where I'd run to once I got out the door, since we don't have locker rooms, and I'd have to return to the gym to get my bag with my car keys in it.  Maybe I could have one of my teammates bring it to me...I dunno, I'll work out the details later.)

Honorable mentions, National Outrage Division:

Reggie Miller gives the choke sign to Spike Lee

Randy Moss moons Green Bay fans, Joe Buck reacts like Moss just murdered an infant

Honorable mentions, Basketball Players Being Pricks But It's Kinda Awesome Division:

Allen Iverson steps over Tyronn Lue

Scottie Pippen dunks on Patrick Ewing

Shawn Kemp ruins Alton Lister's life, simultaneously becomes role model for thousands of teenage boys across the nation

Honorable mentions, Home Run Pimping Division:

 This could absolutely be its own top 5 list, so instead I didn't include any in my top 5.  I know I'm biased, but my favorite home run pimping of all time is easily, EASILY, Manny's walk-off against the Angels in the 2007 ALDS, the very same one that Katie made me miss when she called me moments before the pitch.  (I learned my lesson, and now virtually never answer my calls or texts during big games, so any friends that get mad at me for that, blame Katie.)

The Top 5:

5.  Terrell Owens (and others) on the Dallas star

There's so much to love here.  The original celebration, TO running out to celebrate on the Cowboys' logo at midfield, it just meh.  But I love how the Cowboys get pissed, Emmitt Smith responds by spiking the ball at the same spot while staring down the 49ers sideline, I love how TO responds by TRYING TO DO THE EXACT SAME THING, and I love how some of the Cowboys defense chased him all the way out there to lay him the F out.  And because he's TO, he picks himself up off the ground and goes BACK TO THE STAR AGAIN while his teammates fight his battle.

4.  Theo Fleury slip 'n' slide

Similar to Nicholas' buzzer beater, this is exactly how I would celebrate if I ever scored a game-winning goal.  Mostly because I can't stop on hockey skates anyway.  I'm like Luis Mendoza that way.

3.  Desmond Howard Heisman pose

Seems old now, but was ground-breaking at the time.  How did it take until 1991 for someone to do this?

2.  Brandi Chastain strips down

Homegirl straight popped her shirt off!  Of course this is gonna make the top 5, c'mon, I was 16, a girl in her sports bra was still a pretty big deal to me.  I know this sounds insensitive, but if Brandi is juuuuust a little hotter, she probably gets the #1 spot here.  (Hint, hint, Alex Morgan.  Just think about it for the next World Cup, OK?)

1.  Tiger Woods finger point as he drops a bomb of a putt

At no point over the last 17 years could you call me a Tiger Woods fan.  I cheer for him more now than I ever did, but that's just because he's sort of a villain now, something I thought he should have embraced years ago.  But going back to 2000 and this putt:  at this point in Tiger's career, my Tiger hate was at its peak.  The novelty of the first couple years had wore off, and now he was just dominating every tournament, not to mention keeping my boy Phil from winning majors.  But despite all that, I get goosebumps every single time I see that putt.  You can't really overstate how Tiger made golf cool, and how he pretty much did it single-handedly.  You just didn't see celebrations like that back in the day.

Ironically, Tiger somehow got worse at his celebrations over the years, as evidenced by his famous chip-in at the 2005 Masters.  That was every golfer-caddy awkward celebration joke rolled into one right there.  He also got worse at not banging random waitresses and asking them to deleter their messages, "huge quickly", but that's neither here nor there.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Question Of The Day (Hey, Remember Those?)

Yesterday on The Boards, Noles forwarded a link wherein the good ol' Metrodome is selling their old urinal troughs to the public now.  He then told us about the time years ago that he offered his brother 20 bucks to pee at a urinal at the 'Dome with his pants around his ankles (and how his brother refused, booooo.)  Since we were now officially on the subject of public urinals, I brought this video into the discussion.  An oldie but a goodie from the early days of youtube.

So then we talked about how much it would take for each of us to pull that move, if we were guaranteed a shower and a fresh set of clothes immediately afterwards.  As I am sometimes wont to do, I came in way too low at $500.  I knew I was in trouble when Horp, who is usually more ridiculous than I am when it comes to these matters, required $2,000 and a sky-high BAC to do it.  Jonye needed $10K, that's way too high, whatever, he's a dad now.  When Noles' immediate response to me was "I can easily round up $500 and have you doing that somewhere", I officially got concerned that I might have to back this up someday.  I have to remember that I'm not 19 anymore, and $500 really isn't that much money.

So, the Question of the Day, which yes, I know, are much less fun when we don't have comments anymore, but at least it might make you think a little bit, learn about your own personal boundaries-- how much money would it take you to dive through a urinal trough?

Pleeeease, somebody Price is Right me and say $499, make me feel better about myself.  I'm feeling rather sheepish about my answer right now.


Completely unrelated story, but since we're currently discussing event venue restrooms, and I'm already feeling bad about myself, here we go:  About five years ago, my buddies Jud, Wing, and Disco Dave-- for no reason at all-- decided to start a rumor that I enjoyed, ahem, making love to women in port-a-potties, that it was a big fetish for me.  Unbelievably, this blatant falsehood somehow gained traction, and I found myself scrambling all over town assuring friends and acquaintances that this wasn't true (they really did a lot of legwork in spreading this around.)  There's no real moral to the story or anything, maybe just that Jud and Wing have since moved out of town, and I don't miss them.  Not even a little bit.

Friday, May 16, 2014

What's In A Name

Everyone knows I love a good fake name.  I've been rocking Adam Banks as my main alter ego for over a decade now, ever since honeys was wearin' Sassoon.  Long ago, I did a top 5 list on fake names, since I had a few in my arsenal at that point in my life.  It's a useful tool for so many occasions.  When you're out and about in a different city; when you're talking to a girl you think might be juuuust little cray; when you currently have a significant other, but you're just being a good wingman; or when you're out causing shenanigans and maybe you just want to stay off the grid.  Fake names make the world go 'round.  I don't know what my twenties would've been like without them.

However.  I found out the other night that my buddy JDub is currently using MY name as his fake name at the bar, on the occasions that I'm not with him.  He uses just my first name to begin with, which is sorta thoughtful, I guess....but if the person happens to ask for a last name, there it is, sure enough, -PPY, right there on the other cheek.  Putting my first and last name out on the streets like that.  Shit ain't right.

Now it's one thing when I'm in on it, like at Jared and Steph's wedding last fall, when JDub was introducing himself with my name, and I gave him my wedding ring to wear (in retrospect, that night ended up being the genesis of this little game of his, and I played a large role in encouraging it, so the Inception backfired.  I'll accept partial responsibility for that.)  But now, he's running around, spittin' god knows what kind of game at lord knows what kind of dames.  It's OK when I'm the one acting afool-- sniffing random girls' hair, or telling people I'm a consultant from Mercer, Delk & McCarty and I'm interested in purchasing the Woodlands race track, or whatever the case may be.  At least I have creative control in the process.  But by removing me from the equation, basically, he's besmirching my good name in this fine city of Lawrence, Kansas.  I have a wife now.  Kids within the next couple years.  I'm trying to go straight here.  I ain't a businessman, I'm a BUSINESS, MAN.  But now that's been taken out of my hands.  By my so-called buddy.  

With friends like these, who needs enemies?  Not Adam Banks, I can tell you that much.

OK, well maybe Banks' friends don't like him very much, either.  Bad example.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014


Three things that I can't stop laughing about lately, but might not make you laugh at all:

1.  ~insert Brad Pitt noise~

Every once in a while, I unintentionally ruin things for Teens that she enjoys.  I made the comment once that Ray Lamontagne sings like a dude trying to get somebody's attention from across a public library, and he has never sounded the same to Teens since.  For years, I've ruined Hootie & the Blowfish songs for her by singing in my exaggerated Hootie voice, and sometimes ruin other songs by using that same voice even when it isn't a Hootie song.  I ruin the show Teen Mom 2 when my boo Chelsea is onscreen, by asking questions like "What do you think her hair smells like?" or "Don't you think this scene would be more dramatic if Chelsea took her shirt off?"  (This is Teens' logic, and maybe other ladies would agree:  I'm allowed to make whatever comments I want about celebrities, because I'll never have a chance with them.  But according to Teens, Chelsea is a "real person", and on top of that she lives in South Dakota.  So theoretically, I could meet her in real life.  Ipso facto, I get in trouble when I wonder aloud what color bra she's wearing.  Seems unfair to me.)

And now, simply by really paying attention to a movie and keeping my ears open during a dramatic part, I've ruined Legends of the Fall as well.  Listen to the crying noise Brad Pitt makes at the 27 second mark, and if it doesn't crack you up...well then, you're more mature than I am.  Once Teens got over her anger at me for completely destroying a sad moment in a movie, she remarked that it might've been the hardest she's ever seen me laugh.  So there's that.


Everyone knows 'She Blinded Me With Science', right?  It's funny when the British (British?) dude yells "SCIENCE!" throughout the song.  It just is.  I was sorta goofy drunk a couple weekends ago, and yelling SCIENCE at passerby from a bar patio.  Then we saw some mom hit her kid in the parking lot, and then it got super weird and awkward for a little while, and then I yelled SCIENCE at her, and then we all laughed again.

3.  Chris Fitzpatrick for Class President

This SNL short from a couple months ago had Teens and I rolling, and we haven't deleted the episode from the DVR yet, simply because we can't go more than a few days without firing it up and watching this sketch again.  I'm not going to talk about all the reasons why it's hilarious-- what's that old saying?  "Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog...nobody is interested, and the frog dies from it."  But this video is awesome, especially if you're anywhere near my age.  It's so perfectly late 90's.  I've seen this video in class before.  You've seen this video in class before.  We've all seen this video in class before. 

Friday, May 9, 2014

Free At Last, Free At Last

Andrew White III finally announced his transfer, and for the first time ever, I'm simultaneously bummed out for myself as a fan, and happy for the player to go to a better situation for himself.  Normally, when a Jayhawk transfers, my reaction falls into one of the following categories:

Yeah, you were never gonna get to play, you should probably go somewhere else.  This decision probably works out as good for you as it does for us.  Hey, no hard feelings, big guy.

You had a decent chance to play when you were a Junior or Senior, but you didn't have that kind of patience, and then you were kind of an idiot on Twitter/Instagram/Facebook/other social media.  This decision works out better for us than it does for you, but maybe next time don't be a dick.  However, your end-of-the-bench antics were hilarious, so I will miss you for that.

Oh, you wanna transfer back home because you miss your girlfriend?  Fine, just go, you pussy.  This decision works out better for you than it does for us, so whatever, bro.  We had too many McDonald's All-Americans, anyway.  Say hello to LUMBERGH for me!

Dude.  DUDE.  Dude.  You jumped a guy at a bar and got stabbed.  It doesn't matter who the decision works out for.  You got fucking stabbed.  See ya.

But with White III, he doesn't fall into any of those categories, and I'm siding with the player and blaming Coach Self for the first time ever.  He was a sweet-shooting top-60 recruit in the class of 2012 who showed promise his freshman year.  Then Self recruited over his head for some reason (obviously getting Wiggins at the last minute was defensible; Brannen Greene, however, was not.)  Even still, Self said coming into last season that nobody worked harder than AWIII over the summer, and he would be the first guy off the bench.  That lasted about three games, then AWIII suffered a small injury to miss a couple games, and that was that.  Buried. 

I had been waiting for the transfer announcement since December, and it finally came yesterday.  I think AWIII has a chance to go somewhere and play a major role for a good team, not like one of those transfers who ends up going to a tiny school, or a mid-major.  I don't see any reason why he couldn't go to a Virginia, or a Maryland, or even an Ohio St. or something.  After the season he just went through, he deserves to go somewhere and get some run.  And he'll always have a special place in my heart and an honorary spot on my Wall of Fame, so he's got that going for him.  So long Andrew.

(Seriously, Micah Downs, I hope your girlfriend from small-town Washington that you probably broke up with within 2 months of moving back was worth it.  We hung a banner without you.  If you ended up marrying that girl, well then, I'm not so much of a dick that I can't offer a congratulations.  Bitch.)

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Man Spooning

Check out this recently-conducted study of British heterosexual males.  For those of you too lazy to click the link, basically it says that 98% of heterosexual men polled in their study have slept in the same bed as another straight man, and 93% have spooned and/or cuddled.

So you see, it wasn't weird what Paul and I were doing in college.  We were just forward-thinkers.  Really, you could call it very European of us to sleep in each others' beds.  Chicks dig that kind of progressiveness, bro.

Hat-tip to Mandy for forwarding this article along.  Even if it likely came about as an attempt to internally justify her husband's questionable behavior with his best friend back in the day, still.  Knowledge is power.

Semi-related:  this morning, I got busted by the ladies in the office while I was enthusiastically jamming out to Whitney Houston, so if the Huffington Post could release a study absolving me of that little situation as well, that would be GR-eat.

Friday, May 2, 2014

Derby-Less. Sans Derby.

Well, here we are.  In a spot I hoped never to be in.

Schne tried to get me to go to the Kentucky Derby for a couple of years right after he moved to Louisville, and I came up with a lame excuse both times.  After I finally went in 2008 and had one of the most fun weekends of my life, I said "Welp, I'm coming every year until I either get married or have a kid."  That joke ended up becoming fact, as I made the trek five years in a row, until my wedding last year precluded me from attending.  At the time, we just thought it would be a one-year blip, and we'd be back at Churchill Downs in 2014.  But after extensive discussions, Schne and I decided a couple months ago that we would not be getting our Derby on this year either.

On one hand, I'm very OK with taking different vacations and diversifying my bonds a little bit.  We've done the damn thang about as well as it can be done, short of somebody in our crew winning the lottery and bringing us up to Millionaire's Row with all the rich people and celebrities...and Nick Lachey.

On the other hand....Derby Weekend was my favorite weekend of the year.  I could handle missing out last year.  Really, it wasn't near as difficult as I thought, but that's because I was on a fun road trip with my fiancee, on our way to New Orleans and ultimately to Florida to spend a week in a giant beach house with a ton of friends before we got married.  But this year there is no such distraction.  This year, I'm going to feel the full consequences of not being in Louisville on the first weekend of May.  Tears may be involved.

Things I'll miss the most include, but are not limited to, the following:

Mint juleps.  Back in '08, I was not a whiskey fan at all.  I'd be lying if my first couple mint juleps tasted good that year, but hey, when in Rome.  They quickly grew on me, and now just the smell of whiskey makes me want to get to a horse racing track as quickly as possible.  So mint juleps turned out to be a gateway drink, and now I love whiskey.  Though it doesn't always love me back, cough, Pendleton, cough.

Money Is No Object, or M.I.N.O.  In the same vein as Wu Tang's slogan, C.R.E.A.M. (Cash Rules Everything Around Me), I liked to get drunk and say M.I.N.O. a million times throughout the course of Derby weekend.  Your entire sense of value of money goes out the window, whether it's throwing down a triple-digit bet on a horse only because they have a cool name; spending $200 on drinks every day because the aforementioned mint juleps are like $12 apiece; or lighting a $20 bill on fire, then using that flaming bill to light up a cigar (I learned that move from Krusty the Clown, and trust me, it makes you feel BALLER AS SHIT.)

The Twig 'n' Leaf, the greatest little breakfast diner I've ever eaten at.  There's nowhere else I'd rather go in order to put down a solid foundation for a day full o' boozin'.

Sneaking booze into Churchill Downs. It wasn't about bringing in a six dollar bottle of warm whiskey in order to save was about jamming bottles in your dress socks, or duct-taping booze to your crotch, and defiantly strutting past security.  It was about trying to stick it to the man, if only a little bit.  I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, dude.  Across this line, YOU DO was just about seeing if you could get away with it.  Also, dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature.  Asian American, please.

Inside jokes on top of inside jokes:  More kick for your punch; you're such a bro with your HAIR and your WATCH; nice faggot blanket, faggot!; Early Times!; On a scale of 1-10 I'm really drunk right now; Doyouwantacarrot?  etc. etc. etc.

The Louisville crew.  The kind of people that I only hang out with once a year, but feel like I've known forever.

So there are a few things I'll be a little bit bummed about if you see me at about 3pm on Saturday.  However, thanks to the wonders of internet gaming, there is one thing I won't have to miss out on:  betting on a horse.  I'm going with Wildcat Red at 25-1, solely because I like yelling "W!  I!  L!  D!  CATS!"  every single chance I can.  It's my little cross to bear in life.  And why change up my tried-and-true betting strategy just cause I'm not there?  That would just be irresponsible.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014


....But for a limited time only.

Now, I'm not going to be so egotistical as to say that my post about boycotting KFC after they ditched the Double Down single-handedly convinced The Colonel to bring it back for another month....but I'm not going to not say it, either.

So, JUST IN CASE, here is a short list of other things I would like to see brought back, preferably for longer than one month, but I'm not too picky:

-  The Houston Oilers jerseys

-  Quarterback Crunch cereal

-  2Pac

-  New episodes of Beverly Hills, 90210-- but starting at Season 5, so no Shannen Doherty, yes Tiffani Amber-Thiessen

-  'Goosebumps' books

1 more year of college eligibility for Kirk Hinrich

 -  Norm MacDonald anchoring Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live

-  The Macarena craze, like when groups of 50,000 people were dancing it in the streets and shit

-  Hootie & the Blowfish

NBA games to return to NBC, strictly for the theme song

 -  'No Fear' t-shirts

-  Surge cola

-  Lil' Penny commercials

That is all at this time; I don't want so sound too greedy.  In the meantime, please forward all my mail to the KFC on 6th and Wakarusa until May 25th.  Thank you.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Favorite Movie Championship Belt

Sometimes I have ideas for the blog, and then sit on them forever.  A couple years ago, I had DVR'd The Fugitive, and was trying to convince Teens, who had never seen it, to watch it with me.  When she asked me to describe it, I started with, "Well, it was definitely my favorite movie when I was 11 years old."  And bingo, I knew I wanted to write a post where I go through the timeline of all the favorite movies of my life.  I also knew I wanted to frame it like a wrestling championship belt, since it fits well, and wrestling references are awesome.  In the two years since, Grantland has written columns with the same premise.  Why am I explaining this?  I guess I just wanted you to know I'm not intentionally being an unoriginal bastard here.

Anyway, from as early as I can remember, here is the timeline of what movie was my personal champion of the world. 

(Note:  I'm leaving all the Star Wars movies out of this exercise entirely.  It would skew everything and make this even more pointless than it already is.)

I can't exactly remember my first ever "favorite" movie.  My earliest memory of a movie was The Blues Brothers, and I know I was really into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Short Circuit, and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.  Let's just start in 1990 with Home Alone and call it good.

April 1992- Terminator 2: Judgment Day

My parents were notoriously strict about what I could watch/read/listen to.**   So needless to say, it took a ton of cajoling, and a pre-viewing on their part, for them to let me watch this movie.  Between special effects and the time travel premise, I think this was the first time a movie really blew my mind.

**Example: in 8th grade, my friends were going to see Jerry Maguire, and my parents called the movie theater to ascertain every single questionable scene from the poor movie theater employee and decide if I could go or not.  Verdict:  Locker room scene, so no, I couldn't go see it.  In 8th effing grade!  Oh, so I can work 14 hours a day gutting our basement after the flood, but I can't see Cuba Gooding Jr. naked and yelling "SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!"?  OK.  I get it.  (And yes, I know that's not the right scene.  Maybe if my parents had let me see this movie, I would remember it better.)

August 1993- Jurassic Park

Dinosaurs, bro.  Dinosaurs.

December 1993- The Fugitive

We watched this at my 11th birthday party.  My previous two birthdays featured a) my friends and I attacking the Happy Joe's mascot and tearing the dog costume off of him, like literally jumping off a table like it was the top turnbuckle and putting him in various leg locks and sleeper holds; and b) Aubol's face getting skated over during a free skate at the old Englestad Arena.  So in comparison, when I told my parents I just wanted some pizza and some movies for this party, they were so relieved I probably could've requested a bukkake film and they would've approved of it.

A couple other things here:  I usually have weird pictures as my iPhone lock screen, which drives Teens nuts, as she is a girl and wants pictures of us everywhere.  Instead, I usually have a rotation of Roger Dorn from Major League, the Mighty Ducks Goodwill Games team from D2, and this one.  "YOU FIND THAT MAN!"

Also, if we ever buy a dog, there's a 100% chance we're naming it Doctor Richard Kimble-- that will be a prerequisite to me agreeing to get one.  If we have a son, I'd say there's a 27% chance I can talk Teens into that same name.  You might think those odds are high, but I can be pretty persuasive.

1994 was a shitshow of awesome movies that were all released within a few months of each other, and at one point I called each one of these my favorite, so rather than try and list them in order of when I think I watched them, I'm just gonna list them in chronological order of their release date.  As my trivia friends can attest, my memory is good...but it ain't that good.

Ace Ventura, Pet Detective- Jim Carreys tho!

Speed- Everybody loved Speed when it first came out.  I loved Speed.  You loved Speed.  It's OK to admit it, Jack.

No Escape- We had a couple-year tradition where we'd watch this movie at Easy E's birthday party.  At the time, we just thought it was a great movie.  With the benefit of age and wisdom, we now know that it's a perfect example of a good-bad movie.

True Lies- All things considered, probably the most embarrassing entry on this entire list.  There's at least one semi-defensible excuse for every other movie listed here.  This movie, on the other hand, co-stars Tom Arnold.  (However, I will say that between True Lies and Trading Places, Jamie Lee Curtis played a large role in bringing me through puberty.)  

Stargate- Another fantastic good-bad movie.  I think the fact that we were studying the Egyptian gods in elementary school around the same time may have influenced me a bit.

Dumb & Dumber- One of the primary personality-shaping pop culture cornerstones of my youth.

April 1995- Tommy Boy

Brother loves this movie as much as I do, but I would still be willing to bet that on some levels, he wishes this movie was never made.  Top 3 ways I have used this movie to annoy the shit out of him:

3.  Spilling things in his car, and remarking "I think they'll be OK in here...they have a thin candy shell.  Surprised you didn't know that."

2.  Since moving to Kansas, every time I'm back in North Dakota, riding in a car with him, noticing that an old business has closed down, and pointing and yelling "Hey, the old muffler plant's gone too!"

1.  Beating him home from school, locking the door and making him ring the doorbell so I could re-create this scene, over and over and over again.  Also, I haven't called him AJ since this movie was released.

January 1996- Mortal Kombat

Wanna know how I was spending my free time in 7th grade, besides locking Brother out of the house, talking to girls on the phone, playing a shitload of video games, and talking to girls on the phone while playing a shitload of video games?  Walking to the grocery store with Easy E, shoplifting candy bars and Mountain Dew (earmuffs Mom & Dad), and watching and re-watching and re-watching (and re-watching) our VHS of Mortal Kombat that we taped off of a STARZ free preview weekend.  Life was simpler in the 90's.

May 1996- Happy Gilmore

This was the summer I started really getting into golf, and really getting out of baseball.  Was it due to this movie?  Tiger Woods?  Or the realization that my "It doesn't matter how fast you throw, all you have to do is throw strikes" style of pitching rapidly became unsuccessful once we moved up a league and they moved the pitching mound back?  Whatever the case, I effing loved this movie-- and still do, it has held up pretty well for me, besides the fact that Julie Bowen's hotness level is on some Benjamin Button shit.  I can't wait to see her when she's like 80.

August 1996- Tommy Boy + Dumb & Dumber

Over the next couple years, these two movies just took turns beating each other and trading the championship belt back and forth, too many times to keep up with.  Sorta like The Rock and Mankind in the late 90's.

August 1998- He Got Game

As a pseudo-test, I used to make potential girlfriends watch He Got Game and Above the Rim back to back.  It was a decent idea in theory, but after awhile I stopped, as I realized that if I ever wanted a girl to touch it, I either had to ditch this movie fest, or move to the Bronx.  However, now this pendulum has now swung too far back in the other direction, as I discovered the other day that Teens has NEVER seen either of these movies.  This oversight will be corrected shortly.

December 1999- Fight Club

Probably my favorite movie for a couple days or so; that sounds about right.  The equivalent of when Yokozuna won the heavyweight championship from Bret Hart, but then lost it five minutes later when Mr. Fuji screwed him over and Hulk Hogan beat him for the title.  Find me a high school-aged white boy living in suburbia who didn't think Fight Club was the most badass movie ever, for at least a small amount of time.  HIS NAME.  WAS ROBERT PAULSON.

December 1999- He Got Game

There were some other challengers, such as the DVDs we wore out while shooting pool in Ike's basement (American History X, The Matrix, Office Space), but Junior and Senior year of high school, my "Damn, I wish I was black" hubris was at an all-time high, so He Got Game quickly returned to the throne.  Oh yeah, my first email address was jakeshuttlesworth@hotmail dot com.  You wanna holler, MSN me.

July 2001- The Godfather

The summer after I graduated high school, I took a road trip to Seattle and Portland with Karan and DR, both of whom were older than me.  It was my first real long-distance vacation without family, and among other things I learned on the trip (how to play the main guitar riff from 'Beat It'; what crack rocks look like in real life and how much they can be sold for on the street; a decent-looking college girl with a personality trumps a super-hot high school B every single time), I was introduced to the Godfather universe.  First I read the book, then I watched the movies, and my taste in cinema was forever altered.  Big ups to DR and Karan for my education.

October 2001- Goodfellas

The mafia movie hill proved to be a slippery slope, and while I was balls-deep in all these gangster movies (Scarface, Casino, Donnie Brasco, Heat, A Walk to Remember, etc.) one emerged from the pack as the clear favorite.  If we're continuing with the wrestling analogy (and yes, we are), then Goodfellas is probably the Hulk Hogan.  There were some challenges from The Macho Man (The Shining), The Ultimate Warrior (The Royal Tenenbaums), The Undertaker (Mulholland Drive), and Shawn Michaels (Donnie Darko), but he's still probably the champion of all champions.

August 2004- Anchorman

HEY-OOOOO!!!  It's me, Papa Burgundy!  I don't need to say much else; it's been discussed ad nauseum on this blog.

September 2005- Goodfellas

Paul had moved away, so Anchorman started bumming me out just a little bit since it reminded me of him, juuuust enough for Goodfellas to come back and reclaim the title.  Note from this era:  Wedding Crashers and The 40-Year-Old Virgin are probably the Rowdy Roddy Piper and Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase of my lifetime, as in the best movies to never hold the championship belt once during their careers.

October 2006- The Departed

I saw this movie three times in the movie theater, a non-Star Wars personal record for me.  Obviously it was clear that Scorsese already knew how to cut to the core of me, but the bus that now had its wheels in motion was....

September 2010- Inception

.....Leo!  I used to make fun of DiCaprio and Titanic on the reg, but after The Departed, Shutter Island, Inception, Django Unchained, Wolf of Wall Street, and some re-evaluating of Gangs of New York and The Aviator after the's pretty clear that I'm just like every 13-year-old girl was in 1997.  I swoon over Leo too, just in a different way.


So we're going on almost four years of the same champion now.  As you can see, as I get older, my favorite movie doesn't change every couple of months anymore.  I'm not sure if that's a sign of maturity....or just a result of Hollywood not making high-quality movies like Mortal Kombat with the same regularity anymore.  It's anyone's guess, I suppose.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Aye, I Ain't Never Smoked This Before

The song that I have been absolutely abusing on my iPod (and other people's phones, and jukeboxes, etc.) the last few weeks:

I'm kinda surprised I enjoy this song so much, since I usually don't like Pharrell Williams when he's runnin' solo.  I like him in small doses, like when he's just featured on other people's songs.  He's like potato salad for me.  Nobody would eat an entire meal of just potato salad**, but throw in a pulled pork sandwich (Daft Punk) and corn on the cob ("Blurred Lines") with maybe some coleslaw (Snoop Dogg) and Texas toast (N.E.R.D.).....well then, hey.  You got yourself a meal.  But this song stands alone beautifully.  Can't get enough of it. 

And now I'm effing starving.  Who wants to go get BBQ for dinner?

**That's a lie; not even two weeks ago I ate like 1.5 pounds of potato salad for lunch with nothing else accompanying it and called it good.  But still.