The other day at the golf course, as we walked up to the tee box, a large butterfly started following me around, flying around my face and generally just gettin' all up in my shit. It literally swarmed me the entire time as I was awaiting my turn to hit. As I stood over my ball to tee off, this butterfly was still fucking with me, and it's been like three minutes straight, so by now everyone in my group is giggling a little bit. I should've backed off the shot, but I figured I could just ignore it. Wrong. Right during my backswing, it flies directly in front of my eyes, and since I'm not Tiger Woods and don't have the strength/muscle control to pull off this little move, I flinch, finish my swing, and hit my drive something like 75 yards straight and 200 yards left. Butterfly 1, Jum 0.
I didn't care too much about my score anymore (it was like my 25th hole of the day, and the axles were rattling a little bit on my second round) so as everyone is now falling over laughing, I unleash a torrent of curse words (Hey! Also like Tiger!) and pretend chase the butterfly around with my driver.
And here, family, friends and well-wishers, is where I take the joke too far. I swing my club at it (missing it completely, don't worry animal lovers) and my driver hits the ground, handle end first. The impact cracks the shaft, somehow down at the opposite end by the driver head. Replacement shaft: $86, plus shipping. Butterfly 2, Jum 0.
On the plus side, I have picked up a few new nicknames: 'Butterfly'- a little obvious and a little unimaginative, but it still stings when they say it; 'Tramp Stamp'- since a lot of girls get butterfly tattoos on their lower backs; and 'Muhammad Ali'- float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.....get it? I've been hearing quite a lot of "Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly!" lately, and also, when I walked into the shop the other day, I was greeted with this song, which I hadn't heard since like 2002....and it still sucks just as bad now as it did then. Probably more.
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Completely unrelated: when I was looking on youtube for Tiger stopping his swing, there was a video where some old lady smokes a bird with her tee shot. Clicking on that opened up a Pandora's Box of videos of animals getting destroyed by cars, motorcycles, rabid dogs, etc. etc. And before I knew what had happened, 40 minutes had gone by and my lunch break was pretty much done. When you get right down to it, I don't know if anything in the world is funnier than an up close view of a deer getting splattered into a million pieces by a cop car. Call me cruel if you must.
Happy Friday and all that stuff. Don't wear a C, and J all over your B's.
