Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The Top 5. Volume 18.

A few months ago, during a men's basketball game in the Olympics, Kevin Durant started busting out this little hop and shoulder shake move from the bench when one of his teammates threw down a huge dunk.

(Hey, remember the Olympics?  When everybody is the biggest sports fan in the world, then immediately forgets about them and doesn't mention them again for 3 years and 11 months?  The two most annoying timeframes in the social media world are 1. Presidential elections, and 2. Olympics, by a huge margin.  But even I can't digress this far, this early in a blog post.  Moving on....) 

Both JDub and I caught on to this shimmy separately, and immediately began incorporating it into our lives.  Shortly thereafter, we were teammates in beer pong at a house party, and we were absolutely insufferable (even more insufferable than normal, I should say).  If you fool around and put two of America's most wanted in the same mutha fuckin' place at the same muthafuckin' time! the two of us on the same team in any sort of event, we're always gonna have a steady stream of shit-talking going.  But that night we were able to add a little Durant shimmy after big shots, and piss people off even more.  Since then, I've been trying to figure out my favorite shimmies of all-time.  The ones I like to bust out from time to time, usually in the comfort of my own home when nobody is around, but occasionally firing them off in public.

FYI, because you care so much about the rules and regulations of my top 5 lists, I defined "shimmy" as a dance move which could be accomplished in a couple seconds or less.  Unfortunately, that rule eliminated these beauties, since these are more dances than shimmies:

- Kevin Youkilis/Jonathan Papelbon, 2007 playoffs (starts at :20 mark)

- Danny Green, before every UNC home game in his college basketball career (couldn't embed it, starts at :18 mark)

- Michael J. Fox's dance in Teen Wolf (starts at :31 mark)

- And, of course, the infamous Carlton dance from Fresh Prince.   Forget Michael Jackson or Justin Timberlake or Paula Abdul or Christopher Walken or whoever....for my money, Carlton is the greatest dancer of our generation.

Which leaves these as my top 5:

5.  Jack Black in High Fidelity

Specifically, the little spin move at the :37 mark.  This one might rank higher, but the one time I tried to pull this off in public was the summer after graduating high school, attending the first wedding of my life in which I was, as the expression goes, "drinking my effing face off."  Somebody requested "Walkin' On Sunshine", I tried to spin around with the same grace and agility of Kung Fu Panda, and I spun out of control and headbutted the bride.  In my defense, I had been drinking all day before the wedding, the college kids were corrupting the shit out of me, and it was easily the drunkest I had ever been in my life at that point.  I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin.'

4.  Charlie's Butt Dance from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

This one gets two versions.  The first one has the shimmy more well-done and on a loop, but the second one includes the manic Charlie giggle that is impossible to impersonate, and part of why he's one of the greatest TV characters ever.

3.  Jamie Foxx as Steamin' Willie Beamen in Any Given Sunday

I've talked about how I'm bitter about this character since the writers clearly stole the name Willie Beamon from my imaginary football league from when I was in elementary school and playing with toys.....but I can't punish this timeless shark-fin classic (at the :49 second mark).

2.  Kevin Durant in the Olympics

This spot seems about right.  Part of the appeal is it's such an out-of-character move from somebody who's usually so quiet and reserved.

1.  The robot dance guy from Chappelle Show

For those of you who didn't watch Chappelle, this is the guy who randomly showed up every few episodes or so, never having a speaking line, never doing anything but his robot dance, but always drawing huge laughs.  For those of you who did watch Chappelle, you're probably familiar with this guy.  For those of you like me who live and breathe Chappelle and have entire sketches memorized, you probably knew at the beginning of this post that this guy would be #1.  (My apologies for the youtube video inexplicably playing 'Sandstorm' like it's a K-State home basketball game-- I hate when people jack around with videos on youtube with dumb songs-- but it's the best version I could find with multiple instances of the robot dance.)  Either way, this dude is the greatest.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

What's Yours Is Mine...

One of the random bonuses of cohabitation, that you don't really think about before the fact:  getting to combine DVD collections.  Something I've noticed since moving to Kansas:  I don't know if it's the weather, or just a general increase in things to do and ways to spend disposable income, or the weather (IT'S PROBABLY THE WEATHER, YO) but people in Kansas don't own near as many DVDs as people in North Dakota.  Amongst my childhood friend group, I probably only have about an average-size collection (that sentence could've went another direction).  But down here, the number of DVDs I own has been a source of ridicule-- upon walking into my basement for the first time and seeing my DVD rack, my buddy Franklin exclaimed "What the fuck dude, are you opening up a video store or something since Blockbuster closed down?"

Anyway, here's my breakdown of Teens' movies that have now become mine as well.  (Although my DVDs are still my own.  One of my favorite Bergman-isms, that I have used somewhere around 50 times since Teens moved in a few months ago:  "What's yours is mine and what's mine is MINE!")


Office Space- One of those movies that Paul owned, and we lived together for so long, it kinda felt like mine too.  By the time he moved out, I had seen it 100 times anyway, so I just never got around to buying my own copy. And now it's back in the mix!  Although it would be a happier story if I was moving in with Paul again, instead of Teens.  Maybe someday.  (Side story:  when we were kids, Paul was the first person any of us knew who owned a DVD player, and he was proud of it.  For months afterward, every time he called me to hang out, it would go something like "Hey, whaddya doing tonight?  Wanna do something?  Maybe, I don't know, go get some food, or golf, or.....maybe rent a few DVDs and crash at my place?"  I mean, the exact same line, verbatim, EVERY single time.  To this day, it still cracks Brother and I up.)

Old School- See Office Space.

My Girl- Such a good movie.  Whenever my generation talks about our favorite movies from the early 90's that we loved as little kids, it's always The Sandlot, or The Mighty Ducks, or Jurassic Park, or Basic Instinct, and My Girl always gets unfairly overlooked.  Dammit Macaulay Culkin, why did you have to fuck with that beehive?

Gia- Just a brutal movie, but Angelina Jolie spends a TON of time naked.  No clothes.  Just a complete and total lack of clothes.

Cruel Intentions- Man I loved this movie when I was in high school, when we thought that Sarah Michelle Gellar was the hottest girl in the world.  I haven't watched it since then, and I'm excited to see how it holds up when I get around to watching it next.  (My guess:  Not well.  But, you know, SMG in her prime and everything.  There's still some optimism over here.)

10 Things I Hate About You- I have probably watched this movie 30 or 40 times on TV, but have never actually owned it.  Fast forward to this scenario, which will happen at our house sometime in the next year: Teens comes home some night earlier than expected, and I'm sitting on the couch with this movie freeze-framed on a shot of Alex Mack wearing that red dress with the push-up bra, and I've kidnapped the neighbor's dog and totally lubed myself up with peanut better.  Could be fun.


Karate Kid- One of those movies that made me think I had a keeper on my hands when I saw it on her DVD shelf.

The Departed- Ditto.

Saturday Night Live- Best of Will Ferrell- Ditto x 2.

The Dark Knight- If Teens hadn't have owned this DVD, it might have been points against her.  Everyone should own this DVD.

Garden State- You guys heard me when I said Angelina gets naked a lot in Gia, right?

Butterfly Effect- And I thought I was the only one.

Dodgeball- Ditto.


(Note:  I was originally going to include S.W.A.T. on this list.  When I first saw that Teens owned this movie, I made some sort of "Congratulations, you and LL Cool J's mom are the only two people on the planet who own this movie" joke.  But then I remembered that Paul also bought this movie (and switched his career path to police officer shortly after) and then Teens and I sat down a little while ago and watched it....and it was actually pretty entertaining.  Also, out of all the angry bisexuals who could kick my ass in this world- of which there are many- Michelle Rodriguez is definitely the hottest.) 

On to the actual movies on this list:

2 Fast 2 Furious- Not an absolutely horrible movie in its own right....but I think it's weird that Teens owns this one and not the first one-- and, even weirder, she hadn't even SEEN the first one until a few months ago when we DVR'd it and I made her watch it, in all its Vin Diesel-like glory.  Have you ever heard of anybody who bought the second DVD in a series without even having seen the first one?  Now you do.

Goo Goo Dolls Live In Alaska- I can't believe that this particular group of words exists in this particular structure in order to make this particular DVD title.  I really can't.  With all the craziness and chaos in this world we live in.....this DVD actually exists.

First Wives Club- If Teens is even watching, much less owning, movies like this one....remind me to never divorce her.  Paging Dr. Ikes, please.  Dr. Yee Ikes, you have a phone call at the front desk.

Save the Last Dance-  Of course she owns this movie.  Of fucking course she does.

Steel Magnolias/My Best Friends Wedding- DOUBLE FEATURE Y'ALL!!!...of Julia Roberts bullshit.  I don't care if this double disc only cost like $4 in the random-ass DVD bin that they throw in the middle of one of the aisles in the clothing or food section at Wal-Mart....you got ripped off.

Center Stage- To be honest with you, I have no idea what this movie is, or anything about it.  But this is the DVD cover, so that's enough for me.  Life doesn't hold tryouts, bro.


In general, it's been pretty awful since spammers took over the comments from all the posts and made me remove the commenting ability from the blog.  I loved your comments, and the arguments that would sometimes break out in the comments section.  (And for those who have asked:  Yes, I tried enabling comments again recently, and within two hours received about 15 spam emails.  Comments back off).  But the one positive: now Teens can't comment and defend herself on owning some of these DVDs.  What can I say, sometimes bad things happen to good people.

Monday, October 22, 2012

#White People Problems

I was golfing so poorly on Saturday afternoon that I straight-up walked off the course in the middle of the round, for the first time since I was like 14 years old.  Literally unhooked my bag from the cart, told Kyle I was sorry for being a little bitch, but I had better things to do on a beautiful autumn afternoon than have the biggest golf-related physical and mental breakdown of my entire life, and walked 400 yards back to the clubhouse.

Big ups to Kyle for finishing his round and appropriately filling out the scorecard.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Kobe And A-Rod Pep Talk

This may have been one of my favorite headlines and stories of all time.  As far as my personal sports tastes go, this article might as well have been titled "Hitler offers pep talk to Darth Vader after destruction of first Death Star".


I love the idea of Kobe giving a pep talk to anybody.  The biggest asshole of an athlete since Michael Jordan?  The guy who constantly calls out/belittles teammates and ex-teammates alike in the press?  The guy whose inability to co-exist with Shaquille O'Neal and Phil Jackson (granted, you should probably place close to equal blame amongst all three of them) ended up destroying the best NBA dynasty in years?  I'd love to hear Kobe's words of inspiration, especially when a couple of days earlier, he was reacting to A-Rod being pinch-hit for (when he was currently hitting .130, and keep in mind the guy who pinch-hit for him hit two homers to tie and win the game) with quotes like "I don't like that. That's not good for the chemistry of the team. I'm going to have to call A-Rod."

I love it.  Damn, Kobe and A-Rod make it easy to hate on them.  Wouldn't change a thing.
Top 10 people Kobe probably told A-Rod to blame for his slump during their "pep talk":

1.   Shaq
2.   Joe Torre
3.   Derek Jeter
4.   Cameron Diaz
5.   Smush Parker
6.   Baby Jesus
7.   Mitch Kupchak
8.   All female employees of the The Lodge & Spa at Cordillera
9.   Phil Jackson
10. Madonna


Speaking of the Yankees, this has been about as enjoyable as a baseball postseason can be without the Red Sox being involved.  Tons of exciting games, walk-off wins, the Yankee fans hating on their team like they just went, ahem, 69-93, instead of being in the middle of a playoff run....I'm digging it.  And now that the Yanks are on the brink of elimination, I can sit back and fully enjoy the playoffs-- which is something I usually can't do until I know it's not possible for the Yankees to end up with a championship.  Remember when I broke down who I hated more, the Yankees or Duke?  Nowadays, it's not even close.  I hate Kentucky more than Duke these days (because of Calipari) and my hatred of the Yankees remains as high as it can be.  Go Tigers!

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Really? This Guy?

I got an email from my old roommate Jillian the other day with this video and the simple line: "This video makes me think of you! :) miss ya"

Now, ignoring for a moment that this video is kinda hilarious, and that this actually happened on some town's evening news, and that I can't imagine my reaction if I was a resident of that town and had watched it live.....

What?!?!  THIS is what I remind you of?  I know I can be a goofy bastard sometimes, and my love for the Ghostbusters theme is well documented, but damn.  I'm pretty sure I've never rocked the classic pumpkin mask and black spandex combo, and I THOUGHT I had better dance moves than that.  I think it was worse because she didn't even try to play it off as busting my balls or anything like that.  Just straight up honesty; this video really did make her think of me.  Congrats on your Backhanded Compliment of the Year Award, Jillian.

Side note:  I've played this video for five people now, and all five have either cried laughing, or come extremely close.  So if you don't laugh at this video....you're a racist.

UPDATE:  I've been told that the embedding isn't working for some people, so if it doesn't, here's the link:


Monday, October 8, 2012

90% Of My Text Conversations With Fundy

A little background info for the non-college basketball fan so this makes more sense:

1.  Bill Self just got a big raise, so he's now making almost 4 million a year until 2022.
2.  I "also" work at KU.  Even though it might as well be another planet, theoretically, we're getting paid from the same source.
3.  A few ex-KU players are allegedly customers of this giant marijuana ring that was recently busted by the feds.
4.  When Tyler Hansbrough's mom worked for UNC, she was allegedly using university funds to do shady things like travel around the country.

The point of posting my own text conversation and counting it as a blog post:  this is what it's like to be a college basketball fan right now-- or just any sport, really.  Do I talk shit to Fundy about how KU beat UNC in the Elite 8 last year?  Or maybe the beat-down from the 2008 Final Four?  Does he brag about how UNC stole KU's coach, then won more titles in four years than KU has in the last 20?  Nope, we go right for pot-smoking and Hansbrough's mom.  Every school has its own scandal somewhere; it's just a matter of when it will come to the surface, and all you can do is hope its nothing too awful.  For instance, I will GLADLY take a Johnny Dakota scandal over, say, getting busted paying your players or something.  A huge majority of college basketball players smoke weed; to think otherwise is naive.  Such is life in the sports world in 2012.  Sometimes I miss the innocence of youth.  All we had to do then was rock our Starter jacket and blindly love our teams, and we didn't know about the sometimes seedy underbelly of recruiting, jersey chasers, cheating in class, etc. etc. etc.  Oh well.


Get it?  Johnny Dakota?  GET IT?  I don't mean to mistrust you guys, you're usually pretty quick on your feet.....I just really wanted you to get that one.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Giving My Ryder Cup Weekend The Ol' Thumb-Diddely


- To me.  At some point, I have to realize I'm not 23 anymore.  Getting a little tipsy on Friday night, going to bed at 2am, waking up at 5, spending the entire day on my feet at the golf course, then going to Katie and Alfonso's place and drinking until 4am is just not gonna cut it.  That's a 23-hour day, let's get serious.  In the moment, I can usually hang, which gives me false confidence that it will be no problem, and then I'm hungover for three days afterwards.  Then, the next time I find myself in a similar situation, all I remember is how I could totally handle it the last time, and I gloss over the being hungover for days afterward part. 

- To Team USA's performance on Sunday (to clarify, I wasn't there; we only attended in person on Saturday).  I don't really feel like breaking it down and rehashing it all, or going into detail on how much blame to put on Davis Love III (choosing Furyk for the team, sitting Mickelson and Bradley on Saturday afternoon, etc.) or any of that stuff.  The whole day just sucked.  As awesome as the '99 comeback at Brookline was, I had never even considered what being on the other side felt like.  Now I know.  Felt as bad as a KU tournament loss or something.

- To people in the crowd who yell something they think is funny immediately after a golfer hits his shot.  "You da man" and "Get in the hole" are so 1997.  "Baba booey" or "Bang biscuit" are irrelevant and don't even make sense (Gangel, before you correct me-- I know that "bang biscuit" is from the DP show-- but he doesn't yell it for golf shots, does he?)  And if it's anything longer than like five words, then nobody is listening anymore.  This isn't to say that people yelling things at golf tournaments isn't funny (see below) but just not in the two-second timeframe right after the shot is struck.  Come up with something original, at least.


- To the atmosphere at the Ryder Cup.  Just phenomenal.  Like I described before the weekend, the ability to clap and cheer for European missed putts or bad shots, and chanting "USA!  USA!"....you just can't put a price on that.  We paid a scalper $150 for our tickets, and I easily would've paid double that and felt like we got a steal.

- To random celebrity sightings.  First there's a buzz that rolls through the crowd as people see/hear that the celeb is coming, then the celeb actually walks by, and you can actually FEEL their presence.  It's wild.  Tiger, Michael Jordan, guys like that...there's really nothing you can do besides just stare at them the whole time they're in your area.  It would've been the same way for Michael Phelps, but then we realized he was strolling around with a couple of Dirties, so it kinda took away from his aura a little bit.  Then he led everyone in a rousing, fist-pumping chant of "USA!  USA!" and it was all cool.  Goosebumps restored.

(One of the funniest moments of the day...shortly after Phelps and the rest of the people following that group walked through, and the crowd was starting to die down...all of a sudden some random guy comes straggling through the walkway, and someone in the crowd yells "Hey everyone, look!  It's THAT GUY!"  And the entire crowd explodes and starts chanting "That Guy!  That Guy!"  Probably the best moment of that dude's life.)

- To Jud and CK's cooking.  We had a little watch party on Sunday with Jud, CK, Katie, Alfonso, Chelsey, and Mike and they laid out a spread for us.  Pork tenderloin, mac & cheese, sliders, rice, etc....whenever the man and the woman in the relationship both enjoy cooking, you know you're going to be in good shape.  Unfortunately, this is never a joy that Teens will ever know.  My contribution to hosting any dinner party will either be a) paying money to have food catered or delivered; or b) a party platter of bagel bites, pizza rolls, and bite-sized Hot Pockets.


Overall, it was a phenomenal trip.  Big ups to all who participated.  (That includes you, American Airlines.  You really stepped your game up when I needed you the most).  The thing that kinda sucks about it is that my first Ryder Cup experience will forever be associated with the biggest collapse in Team USA history.  Definitely tarnishes telling the story about how I attended the Ryder Cup in person.  It's like, how many Buffalo Bills fans do you hear bragging about being at the Super Bowl, you know?  Or how many people are excited to break out the photo album from their honeymoon to Pearl City, Hawaii in December 1941?  Maybe I'm exaggerating a bit.  But you get it.