Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Shimmy Shimmy Ya Shimmy Yam Shimmy Yay

Ladies and gentleman, your 2007 Tuesday Night League Champions, the Kansas Connection!

I don't have the league records in front of me or anything, but I believe we were the first team to ever win the title with a roster consisting of seven small forwards. For all you former GF Renegades of Funk members, notice Danny and I sporting the old unis. Additionally, Kirk Hinrich is not as good in real life as you would think.

Other random kibbles and bits:

Thanksgiving was awesome. Definitely a weird feeling to be a visitor in the Forks, but I got to enjoy fantastic home cooked meals, partake in celebratory World Series shots with T. Nels a month late, see basically every single person I wanted to, and only a couple of the people I could've done without. That's an interesting dynamic of the Thanksgiving and Christmas break bar scenes, isn't it? People you pretty much only talked to when you had to work on your Beowulf book report together, and now all of sudden they want to buy you a jag bomb and talk about what you've been up to for the last six years?

I am officially done with McDonald's. Forever. I hadn't enjoyed any plain dubby cheeseburgers and fries since I moved down here, and to be honest, I hadn't thought of it much. Alex and I picked some up in Sioux City on the drive home, and it was garbage. To the point that I wonder how I ate it so much before. So goodbye, Mickey D's. It was a good run. But don't get too excited, arteries. I'm not going to be eating healthier or anything. The longest I've gone without Sonic the last three and a half months is 9 days.

A disclaimer for the next paragraph: it will be filled with semi-obscure golf references and pointless discussion about a bar video game played by dudes like myself who aren't drunk enough to dance yet. Continue if you wish, ladies and non-golfers.

I may be hanging up the clubs for Golden Tee. My meltdown is almost complete. I am, at this moment, worse than I was the very first time I felt the smooth roll of the tracker ball under my left hand (no homo.) Back in the day, I was a bit streaky; always a threat to set a course record, but almost equally a threat to fall apart on the 17th hole. Call me Greg Norman. Then, when I moved down here, I initially struggled, as my new swing coach Jud and I retooled my putting style in hopes of being better in the long run. Call me Tiger Woods, circa 1998. Then for a few weeks, I was back and better than ever. Call me Tiger Woods, circa 2000. Now, inexplicably, it is gone. All of it. It's like I've never played before. Call me Ian Baker-Finch. Just send me to the announcer's tower overlooking the 18th. I'm gonna give it one last shot, and if it doesn't improve drastically, my career may be over.

I'll be the first to admit it's lame to pimp facebook here, but I can't put links in this space for whatever reason, so we're all gonna have to deal with it. Anyways, for those who can, go to my facebook page and watch the video that Annie put on my wall. It involves Barney the purple dinosaur and a prominent rap song. You won't be disappointed.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007


A few things I give thanks for....

Using other cars as moving screens in order to go before my turn at two-lane, four-way stops.
Going from 1st to 3rd on a base hit to right field.

Home-made turkey, cheese, and pepperoni sandwiches.

NFL on dual TVs in Lane's ManLand.

Day-old unfinished keg, courtesy of Lane's neighbors Danny and Tina.

The "Waaasssuuupppp!!!" Budweiser commercials. It's been like 9 years, can we bring that back yet?

Par 5's reachable in 2.

75 degree days in mid-November.

Mike Lowell re-signing with the Sox. Gay-Rod re-signing with the Yankees.

HBO On Demand.

The scene from The Matador at the racetrack when they play "Heat of the Moment" by Asia.
Back door cuts.

Flicking channels and hearing "Where we're going, we don't need roads...."

The Hot Spots on NBA Jam.

Vinny Testaverde playing in the NFL again. Not because it's a feel-good story, but because, if I were a betting man, it would be nice to LOAD UP against the Carolina Panthers every week.

I hope Thanksgiving finds everyone well.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Pass The Turkey, Please

Here is an actual excerpt from an email from my mom:

"I picked up a 23-pound turkey from the store last night, so there should be enough dark meat for you AND other people."

This precaution stems from Thanksgiving 2001, during which my goal (which I accomplished, by the way, a-thank you) was to eat all the dark meat from the entire turkey by myself.

Thanks, Mom. Gotcha. Loud and clear. I'm fat.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Rock Chalk

It's time for the annual Jayhawk pre-season state of the union address, which consists mostly of pessimism mixed with a dash of bridled hope, terrified to come to the surface. Hey, if you want an optimistic view of KU's chances, go read Schneweis' blog.

I can't complain about another top 5 preseason ranking, though. Though they mean nothing (as KU loves to prove, reprove, and prove again) it's always better to at least be in the mix for a title. I mean, I could be a Northern Iowa fan, and boy would that suck. I think there is a big gap between the top 3 and KU though, at least until Brandon Rush comes back. Memphis, UCLA, and Carolina are absolutely LOADED, and in most other years, each would be the hands-down #1 team.

Losing Julian hurts, but a lot of that hurt was from the unexpectedness of him declaring. I think that Rush is much more important to KU's title chances, as we have Darrell Arthur ready to come in and get big minutes, provided he can stay out of foul trouble. Look out for freshman Cole Aldrich too, he'll be special. The backcourt of Russell Robinson, Mario Chalmers and Sherron Collins is the best defensive backcourt in America. If RussRob and Collins improved their outside shooting as much as the buzz indicates they did, look out. Through two games it looks like it.

Collins and my Facebook friend Brady Morningstar. What's that? Oh, yeah, I'm friends with a KU player on Facebook. No big deal. Maybe I'll drop him a line right now, see what's goin' on. Maybe he wants to go shoot around or something.

Rush's injury (and now Collins' too) helps the team depth quite a bit. Rodrick Stewart will get huge minutes now, and Jeremy Case will get some more too. This helps the "Please don't go in and shit your pants" feeling that I get sometimes when Case plays important minutes. So expect some bumps and bruises early on, but in the long run these injuries will pay off (provided Rush and Collins come back full strength.)

Darnell Jackson, who as a freshman looked woefully out of place on a basketball court, might be my favorite player on this year's team. I feel very comfortable when he is involved in things, and that might be the biggest compliment I can pay to a college basketball player. And lastly, Sasha Kaun. Oh, Sasha. One night he looks like a lottery pick, and the next night he looks like a seven-foot tall Jewish kid who came straight from his barmitzvah, and is dribbling a basketball for the first time in his 14 years on this earth. Although I should mention that his new Schne-fro automatically bumps my confidence in him up to about a 5.

And so now we see if I am able to hold it together this year. I have been living and dying with this team since I was 8 years old. In '91, after the championship game loss, I cried my eyes out. In '97, I tore up every magazine featuring KU that I been saving over the years. In '02, I skipped the next day of class and stayed in bed until 9 pm. In '03, I didn't talk or interact with a single person for 48 hours. In '05, I drank myself stupid and slept on a bridge in downtown Indianapolis. In '06 I walked back to my hotel and packed instead of enjoying my last few hours in Vegas. Vegas!!! And now I live here. Where was my life caddy to talk me out of that club selection?

Will this be the year they win it all? Will this be the year they lose in the Elite 8 and I go on a multi-state killing spree, change my name to Remus Kofax, sell all my possessions and go live downtown holding up Armageddon signs to passing cars? Stay tuned. I believe it was Screech Powers who said, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Or somebody.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

This Is Just A Tribute

I suppose this is a bit overdue, considering how hard Chelsey pimped me in her first post a while back. She was also upset that none of her witty and insightful texties were referenced in this space during the Red Sox title run, so this should more than make up for it. In Jack Black voice: This is the greatest and best gal in the world......tribute.

Chelsey is the fortunate by-product of one of St. Aubyn's ill-fated romances from a few years ago. As annoying as that relationship was (which I made pretty clear to St. Aubyn on numerous occasions at the time) we definitely can't argue with the friendships that were made as a result. I actually met Chelsey during freshman year at the Wilkerson dining center, but it was one-time thing through other people, and she doesn't even remember it. I do cause I'm creepy like that.

Chelsey's tolerance-nay, encouragement of our shenanigans is what forever endeared her to us. Another necessary skill for being friends with us that she possesses is being able to take shit. When you're walking into the lion's den known as Culligan Manor, you've gotta be able to strap on the mental hard hat and be ready to get made fun of. A lot. Chels is able to handle such hardships with a perma-smile on her face. This probably isn't that difficult for her as she is among the happiest people I know. A day when she is crabby is a dark day indeed.

After she moved to Minneapolis, our friendship didn't suffer; instead, we just took our act on the road. There she introduced us to Rocko, which we don't hold against her. Kidding Rocko. Some of my proudest moments happened while visiting Chels in the Cities. Especially the night when we went dancing and tried to get everyone to jump on different floor tiles during Billie Jean, (a la the video when they light up when Michael Jackson steps on them) then I got booted out for repeatedly turning my hat backwards. My response was to projectile vomit all over the parking lot. Good stuff. While living there, she was also my token "I've got a 6 am flight leaving out of Minneapolis, can I crash on your couch and have you take me to the airport?" person. So, definite bonus points there.

Then she got married in the summer of 2006 (giving us the best wedding of the year in the process) and moved to Chicago. We visited her and Mike there last summer and had a wonderful time. We will be back, especially since Kos now resides there, and soon Katie Z will too.

Now she started a blog and that brings us to the present day. Ladies and gentleman, Chelsey Rambow-Headrick!!!

Sweeney, me, Deuce, Chelsey and St. Aubyn at Chelsey and Mike's wedding. The night the "Thumb-diddley" was born. Little inside, I know.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

From 1 To 30

In lieu of an NBA preview, which I don't have the energy to make, here is my order of favorite teams. This started out as a lame cop-out of a post, but turned out to be pretty hard to do for an entire league. This list changes from year to year, besides the Knicks. Danny, I know you can do this if I can.
1. New York Knicks- 17 years and counting.

If only Jeff Graves would've done this to 'Melo during the 2003 National Championship.

2. New Orleans Hornets- Found myself strangely cheering for them last year, then they drafted my boy Julian.

3. Boston Celtics- Pierce, Jesus, KG, Big Baby.

4. Chicago Bulls- Hinrich. Would be higher, but they drafted Noah, plus there is residue from the mid-90's left over in my brain that makes it impossible to really love the Chicago Bulls.

5. Phoenix Suns- Love their style of play. Rivalry with Lakers gives them the nudge to top 5.

6. Golden State Warriors- " " " ". " " " Mavericks " " " " top 6.

7. Portland Trail Blazers- Next year: Oden, Roy, Aldridge, Fill in the blank top 5 pick. Holy shit.

8. Houston Rockets- Yeah, I'm surprised they're this high too.

9. Toronto Raptors- Fun to watch.

10. Seattle SuperSonics- Move to Oklahoma City already. Better yet, K.C.

11. Denver Nuggets- Time bomb of a team. Carmelo keeps them from being higher.

12. Milwaukee Bucks- We used to mercilessly rip on Charlie Villanueva. He was guaranteed captain of the All-Ugly Team every year. Then we found out he has a disease. Now I kind of like him. Is that bad?

In retrospect, we probably should've known that Charlie suffered from Alopecia areata.

13. Miami Heat- Shaq.

14. Orlando Magic- This ranking is sure to drop once Redick starts getting real minutes. Nice mohawk, J.J.

15. Washington Wizards- Once Arenas leaves, they will go down to bottom 5.

16. Atlanta Hawks- I officially have no feelings either way from here through #20.

17. Memphis Grizzlies

18. L.A. Clippers

19. Sacramento Kings

20. Philadelphia 76ers

21. Minnesota Timberwolves- Look at your roster. How do you cut Wayne Simien?

22. Cleveland Cavaliers- Booorrriinnggg. Wake me up if Lebron is doing something amazing.

23. Indiana Pacers- Pretty sure I can only name like 5 players on their whole team. O'Neal, Granger, Tinsely, Dunleavy, Murphy....yep. 5. Foster? Maybe 6.

24. Detroit Pistons- Let someone else make the Eastern Conference finals. Geez.

25. Utah Jazz- Carlos Boozer, plus they ended Golden State's run last year.

26. Dallas Mavericks- Babies. Only Jason Terry keeps them from being lower.

27. Charlotte Bobcats- Way too many Tar Heels on this team.

28. San Antonio Spurs- Manu Ginobli: You suck. Go play soccer.

Give him a yellow card or something.

29. New Jersey Nets- Any team that has Vince Carter is guaranteed bottom 5. As a bonus, when we were bullshitting with the Suns after a game in Fargo back in high school, the only player who big-leagued us was Jason Kidd.

30. L.A. Lakers- In the days of Van Exel and Shaq, they were my #2. Thanks, Kobe. Sorry, Danny.