Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Top 5. Volume 16.

My top 5 favorite DVD menu screens. What, you think I don't have a top 5 list for something as dumb as this?

5. Van Wilder

A never-ending loop of a big-boobied girl preparing to take her shirt off, set to this song. It offers little else, so depending on your feelings on big-boobied girls, #5 is either too high or too low.

4. Are You Afraid of the Dark?

This show was super-creepy when I was a youngster. A few years ago I bought a bunch of the DVDs and we had our own Midnight Society at Culligan Manor, but it was mostly for the laughs, as pretty much nothing holds up into your mid-twenties (there was one moment in one episode that was legitimately scary, and it was doubly so because we weren't expecting to be scared at all. Then we re-wound it and watched it enough times so that it became funny and not scary anymore. Can't be going to bed with nightmares now.) But the theme song and DVD menu screen remain creepy, in my opinion. How sweet was Nickelodeon in the early 90's?

3. Snatch

Back in our poker heyday (for our group of friends, early 2004-late 2005) when Ike built a sweet table from scratch, we all had our own sets of chips, and our "poker night" quickly became multiple nights per week, multiple hours per night (to the chagrin of the girls we usually partied with, who quickly became an afterthought) we used to put DVDs on in the background, so there would be some background entertainment once you were out of a hand, or out of the game altogether. A lot of times we'd just pick one movie and play it over and over and over and over-- a big reason why I burned through my first Anchorman DVD within a year. One time we played Snatch, and when the movie ended, it flipped back to the menu screen, and since it was an intense hand, nobody popped up to restart the movie for awhile. That's when we realized that this song was fucking awesome, and so we began just putting in the DVD and never starting it, just letting it sit on the menu screen for the duration of the night. You'd be surprised how many consecutive hours you can listen to this song before it starts getting old. Go ahead, try it. I'll wait.

2. Old School

Everybody around my age knows this little tune from the menu screen, even if you don't know it yet (down towards the bottom of the screen is where you can preview the song without downloading it.) If you haven't woken up on someone else's couch at 6 am, hung to the gills, people passed out all around you, empty beer cans everywhere, with this menu screen blaring at the highest possible volume.....then either you did not go to college in the previous decade-- or you did, and your college experience was incomplete.

(Also in this category for me personally is Anchorman, Zoolander, and Night at the Roxbury. Most of these instances are when Paul and I would pass out together, and there was a 98% chance that one of those three movies was playing at the end of the night. It's to the point where I can't watch Zoolander or Night at the Roxbury anymore now that we live in separate states, it feels like cheating on him a little bit. We would often wake up with one of us spooning the other one, or at least with a hand resting on each know what, I'm reminiscing too much again. Somebody cut me off.)

1. Ghostbusters

All things considered, one of the best musical compositions in history. This song always gets me pumped up, without fail. So the DVD menu playing this on a loop, while the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man wanders around New York City in the background, becomes a lock for the top spot. Truer lyrics have never been spoken: "Bustin' makes me feel good!"

Monday, June 27, 2011


Royals 3, Cubs 2. Royals improve to 3-22 when I'm in attendance, and finally beat somebody besides the Red Sox.

The Gambling Gods win. They always do.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Karma Battle

Since 2007, I have attended 24 Royals games at Kauffman Stadium. Their record in those games: 2-22 (with both wins coming against the Red Sox, typically.) It's a crazy statistical anamoly, of which I've never attempted to profit from-- until tomorrow. We'll be in attendance tomorrow evening, and my gambling account, which usually sits dormant and neglected during the summer months, will be fired up, and I'm going to load up on the visiting Cubs. It's time for this weird losing streak at Kauffman to fill my pockets with more than just unwanted Willie Wilson bobbleheads and dried splatters of chili cheese fries.


This is not my first rodeo; I'm well aware of what I've just done (fellow gamblers are nodding their heads in agreement already.) Simply by writing the previous paragraph, I have invited the Gambling Gods into the fray. The same Gambling Gods who are notoriously fickle, and take serious offense at any mention of a "sure thing." The same Gambling Gods who allowed George Mason to go to the Final Four in 2006. The same Gambling Gods who allowed the Giants to knock off the unbeaten Patriots in the Super Bowl in 2008. The same Gambling Gods who gave Buster Douglas the strength to TKO the previously invincible Mike Tyson. I could go on forever, but we're all aware of Gamblor and the Gambling Gods' work. It's an impressive resume.

So now we get to find out which is stronger: Jum's "I Have Never Seen The Royals Beat A Single Major League Team Besides The Red Sox" jinx, or Gamblor's "Go Ahead And Get Cocky About This Bet- I Fucking Love It When You Do That" jinx.

I envision it being an epic battle of extremely similar skills, like when Ken would fight Ryu in Street Fighter, or Sub-Zero against Scorpion in Mortal Kombat, or even Obi-Wan vs. Anakin Skywalker (the young version, before he got put in the Darth Vader clown suit and Obi-Wan was rolling with a defective lightsaber.)

In any case, as with most trivial things that have little bearing on real life but I still love to make a big deal about, I'm excited for the result. To all my buddies who like to roll the dice a little bit, or those whose gambling accounts are feeling a little lonely without the NFL or NCAA basketball, or even those of you whose bookie is not accepting bets right now because of non-payment on their account, join me in this quest to determine which Gods are stronger. I'm channeling my inner Cyrus right now:

Happy Friday. Caaaaaaaan youuuuuuuuu dig iiiiiiiiiiit!!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

To Paraphrase A Joke From Nick Swardson....

"I went to Omaha last weekend, you know, to help with the flood efforts, sandbagging and stuff.....we ended up partying really hard. I was like guys, c'mon, we gotta focus....the sandbagging."

Side note #1: too soon for flood jokes? As somebody whose family's basement was destroyed in 1997, I feel I'm entitled. Though it was creepy driving through a bunch of sandbagged areas, as water lapped against the side of the bridge. Definite flashbacks. Good luck, Omaha.

Side note #2: wearing Gangel's tank top seemed like a fun idea at first, and while I thoroughly enjoyed the cool breeze keeping me somewhat comfortable on a scorching hot day....the tan lines. Good lord. Now it looks like I have a wife-beater permanently impressed on my body. Definitely soured my tank top experience.

Side note #3: there is a dude who plays in our basketball league here in Lawrence that we call 'Middle School T.Nels' because of his resemblance to our friend at that age. But then I randomly saw this kid while tailgating on Saturday.....

.....and knew I had get a picture of him. I'd say this is T.Nels around the age of 15 or 16. So with me coming into contact with not one, but two of his doppelgangers in the last year or so, I'm starting to think that maybe T.Nels went the Voldemort route, and he's split himself up into 7 horocruxes and scattered them around the country. Either that, or he's just an especially generic-looking dude.

Side note #4: the joke I'm stealing from Swardson talks about going to Tijuana and building churches. By the by, I would put Swardson's CD 'Party' up against almost any standup album from this decade. And this is coming from a guy who woke up to Dane Cook on his alarm clock for about 9 months or so. Just go buy the Swardson album. Have I ever steered you wrong?

Side note #5: I don't know if this is the true definition of irony, or Alanis Morissette's incorrect definition of it, but I found it humorous that while driving back from Omaha and listening to Dave Chappelle's standup on my ipod, at the EXACT moment that he was doing his bit about dealing with cops, I got pulled over. It was less humorous after I received my $123 ticket, however. "Dave, Dave. It's the goddamn cops." Chappelle's white person impression is the best.

Friday, June 17, 2011

An Enjoyable Song And Some Random Internet Stuff

I heard this song a couple weeks ago now, and it's been a staple of my morning routine ever since. If this song doesn't make you want to belly up next to your best mate and enthusiastically slam your pints of beer together in a celebratory're a better man than I.

I'll understand if you don't like it though; soccer hooligan music isn't for everybody. Some reactions I've had upon playing this song:

"What is this?"

"What the fuck is this?"

"I'm getting out of here, I can't handle Jim's music selection right now."

Anyways, hopefully you enjoy the song as much as I do.

Some other links for your Friday enjoyment:

I really wish I had the technology available back in the day to make a video like this for some of Bergman's legendary drunken voicemails. Can you imagine what we could've done with the two-part, 37-minute, let's forget the 5-year waiting period and send this straight to the Drunken Voicemail Hall of Fame gem he left in our dorm room during Freshman year? Could've been pretty decent. "But what she doesn't that it's not about taking a shower with another's just all about gettin' clean." Classic.

I also enjoyed this very much, apparently this dude makes all kinds of top 100 movie lists; this one is his top 100 movie insults of all time. Very NSFW- unless it's acceptable at your job to say things like "I used to fuck guys like you in prison" or "I don't like your jerkoff name. I don't like your jerkoff face, I don't like your jerkoff behavior, and I don't like you....jerkoff. " I don't want to presume what your workplace conditions are like.

Happy Friday. I'm goin' to the College World Series tonight, reuniting the 2010 dream team of myself, Gangel, Myshawn, and Addy. We're gonna get drunk. (And ignore any possible flood ramifications. I figure I've got enough flood karma built up from 1997; I refuse to believe that this flood is going to negatively affect our weekend.)

Monday, June 13, 2011

It Was Two Minutes, Five Minutes Ago

>> I'm almost relieved that the NBA Finals are over, so I can finally stop hearing about how much people hate LeBron and Miami and The Decision, etc. etc. etc. I was sorta cheering for Miami (largely because they were so hated this past year) but mostly just cheering for it to go 7 games-- as I usually do when I don't particularly love or hate either team. I know that I could just ignore everybody, and that it's partly my fault, but in this age of the internet and social media, it's almost impossible to tune everything else out....but if I read one more Facebook status that makes some stupid joke about LeBron and the Heat, I am just gonna snap. It was tough to fully enjoy a well-fought series that went six games, because of ignorant opinions from people who for the most part don't know what they're talking about. For instance, did you know that Dallas' payroll this season is $24 million more than Miami's? What a Cinderella story! I don't even know how to fully explain myself, but luckily J.A. Adande, as he usually does, summed it up perfectly in his article this morning:

" that the Dallas Mavericks have defeated the Miami Heat in the 2011 NBA Finals, maybe interest in next season will be driven by something other than anger and fear. Those are the two irrational emotions that accounted for all of the page views and Nielsen ratings this season."

Exactly. So now Miami got their comeuppance, and Dirk got his championship, and LeBron is the worst player in the history of the can we try and actually enjoy next season?

>> At Pizzel's 30th birthday party Saturday night, we busted out Flip Cup, the first time I had played in about three years. And unfortunately, a harsh new reality was exposed to me: I am no longer good at the game. Back in the college heyday, when if there were red plastic cups involved, then there was a Flip Cup tournament, I was always one of the best couple players in our friend group; any time I failed to be one-and-done with my flip was a rarity. On Saturday night, once our friend's dad got the hang of the game, I was undoubtedly the weak link on our team (yup, outplayed by an almost 60-year-old-man who had to be at the airport in six hours.)

And yes, there were plenty of positives from that night's gaming: it was still an amazing time; our guys team never lost a best-of-seven series the entire night; we came back against a loaded girls team from 3-0 down to win in seven games (chanting "Why not us?" throughout the entire comeback, thank you 2004 Red Sox slogan); I did improve my all-time Washers record in Kansas to something like 47-1 (I'm better than you at Washers); we were rowdy enough that the neighbors decided to google the phrase "bucket of suck" so they could try and understand what we were shouting about (don't bother googling it, it's an inside thing).....but the fact remains: I officially suck at Flip Cup. When your team is winning in spite of you, rather than because of you, it's a bitter pill to swallow.

>> Famous youtube clips strategically set to 'Bohemian Rhapsody'? I can think of worse ways to spend 5 minutes and 20 seconds. Perfect for a Monday.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Maybe She's Born With It...Maybe It's Maybelline

A new favorite game of mine when I'm driving into work in the morning and feeling a bit salty: screwing with girls who are applying their makeup while they're driving. I wait until they lean their face to within six inches of their rearview mirror, then I'll inch into their lane like I'm going to cut them off until they flinch and smear their lipstick across their face. If I'm in front of them, maybe I'll unexpectedly jam on my brakes so they poke themselves in the eye with their mascara.

Then I immediately whip out my phone and totally text all my bros and tell them how I just punk'd this chick while she was putting on her makeup and driving at the same time. That'll teach her to not pay attention to the road.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Hot Or Not?

I've always thought Julia Stiles was kind of weird-looking. One of those celebs where I would take her home not because she looks particularly good, but because it would make a great story (others in this category, off the top of my head: Diana Taurasi, Linda Cohn, Alanis Morissette, Tori Spelling.) If she was an ordinary girl, I'd have to be totally sauced, borderline b'd out, to want to take her home. But this new Stoli vodka commercial is blowing my mind. (Vanilla Stoli Diet, bro! Paul, remember when we were with Marcus and Lyle and that whole crew and we drank Buffalo Wild Wings completely out of Stoli by like 3 pm? Ahhh, college.)

Both versions of Stiles in this ad are absolute crush jobs; dare I say the one on the right is even a smoke show? I would most definitely save the last dance for her. (Get it? GET IT?!?!?) Especially if the last dance took place on my face.

So my question is Julia Stiles: hot or not?

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Living With A Girl Who Is Not Your Girlfriend

Scene: My basement. I'm excitedly tearing open a package, giggling to myself like a kid on Christmas morning.

Jillian: What is that?

Me: This? Oh, I ordered a, um, movie off of ebay.

Jillian: Ooooo, what movie? Let's see it.

Me: Oh, well, um, you wouldn't like it.

Jillian: Well lemme see it!.....~I hand over the package~....What the hell is this?

Me: Poison Ivy 4: Secret Society.

Jillian: Are you kidding me? You're ordering porn off of ebay now?

Me: It's not's soft-core, at best. You know the tomboy from Little Giants? That's her on the cover!

Jillian: NO WAY. There is no way.

Me: Oh you better believe it. Icebox. She's in my all-time top 5 hottest women.

Jillian: WOW. I would never have guessed that's her.

Me: I know right? AND there's a chick who used to be on Degrassi, she gets naked too!

Jillian: Oh my goodness, you are ridiculous with those Degrassi girls*. That's disgusting, she's like 12.

Me: She WAS 12. Now she's 23, and she is taking off her clothes in this movie. And I'm going to watch.

Jillian: You're unbelievable. Alright. Well, when you watch this and jerk off, just make sure you're downstairs when you do it, I'll murder you if you do it on my couches upstairs. And don't get any on that old bedspread I gave you. I know I didn't want it anymore, but that's not the purpose it's intended for.

Me: Roger dodger. Loud and clear.

* Let the record show that I have roped Jillian into watching a bunch of Degrassi episodes. And one time I came home and turned on her TV, and the last channel she was watching was Teen Nick, so clearly she's been watching even without me there. So her criticism of Degrassi is both unwarranted and untruthful.