Sunday, June 22, 2014

Applications For The Wolfpack

From left:  Hendo, Me, Double D, Marcus Mumford wearing Russell Westbrook's glasses, JDub.  My apologies for the poor quality of the picture.  It looks like it was taken with a disposable camera in 1993, but you can tell that it's not that old because of Double D's shirt.  Oh wait.  I guess you'll just have to trust me that it's not from 1993.

Recently, we lost a good man from our crew.  Hendo received a job opportunity he couldn't pass up, moved almost six hours away, and just like that, our four-man wolfpack was down a member.  Everything moved so quickly that I don't think the remaining three members have a full grasp on the fact that Hendo is actually gone.  I've been listening to a lot of Boyz II Men lately.  It sucks.

In the meantime, we really need a replacement Hendo.  A wolfpack needs to be four, not three.  Three is too many for a regular tag-team match, but not enough for a Survivor Series rumble.

So we'll be placing an advertisement in the local newspapers and job posting websites shortly.  We're not expecting to fully fill his shoes, nobody could-- but we'll take as close to a replacement as we can get.  Here's a sneak peak at the requirements for all applicants:

Required qualifications:  Must enjoy golfing, drinking, acting afool.  Above average ability in lawn and/or tailgating games a must.  Participation in, and enjoyment of, pointless arguments such as "If you could only hear one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?" or "If you had to die tomorrow, how would you choose to go out?"  Must possess a healthy lust for video games; including, but not limited to, Call of Duty, NBA Jam, MarioKart, and Golden Tee.  Must be, at minimum, a diehard college basketball fan.  Having an unhealthy obsession with the sport is not frowned upon.  Potential applicants who cannot name at least 50% of Final Four participants for the last decade need not apply.

Preferred qualifications:  Ability to hit a golf ball a long, long way.  Membership to Cigar of the Month Club-- possession of a humidor a huge plus.  Proficiency in Microsoft Excel, in order to manage our major golf tournament gambling spreadsheets.  While members of all college basketball fan bases will be tolerated, some are more welcomed than others (being a fan of someone other than the Kentucky Wildcats immediately gives you a leg up on your predecessor.)  Should consider watching multiple episodes of a TV show back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back "quality hanging out time."  Legitimate knowledge of a musical instrument also a plus.

Please attach a cover letter, resume, three references, and your top 5 list of movies that you would bring with if you were stranded on a desert island.  Thank you.