Thursday, June 12, 2014

Bach Party Drinking Power Rankings

Top row:  Ike
Middle row:  Russell, Me, BroMo, Morley
Bottom row:  Jake, Murph, Easy E, T-Nels, Fundy, Schultzy, Tommy
Not pictured:  AJ, Endo, Kory, Gundy

16.  AJ (not my brother though)-  He was only able to make it for the round of golf Saturday morning.  I'm not even sure if he had one beer, but he did lose his wedge in a lake on #7, so I feel comfortable including him on the list, even if he was dead sober.

15.  Kory-  The only time I hung out with him for an extended period of time was during one stretch of blackjack when everyone else disappeared.  We got along great, mostly because he was laughing at all my blackjack shit-talking schtick, so he couldn't have been too drunk, right?  Clearly his judgment wasn't impaired at all if he found ME funny.

14.  Endo-  Managed to pull a bastardized version of an Irish Exit before 7pm.  We left him at the tables at Canterbury, he never made it on the shuttle to Mystic Lake, and we didn't see him the rest of the night.

13.  Tommy-  I know for a fact that Tommy did something really stupid during the day on Saturday, something that we subsequently ripped on him for-- a joke that lasted a few hours at least.  However, I have absolutely no recollection of what that thing was.  This is one of the reasons why my spot on this list is still quite a ways away.

12.  Jake-  If this was the cigarette smoking power rankings, he'd be #1 in a landslide.  The judges would also have accepted 'eating continental breakfast with his headphones in' as well as 'muttering "Goddammit Russell."'

11.  Gundy-  He was responsible enough, he did a bang-up job during his shifts on Easy E patrol...but he was also staying on 12s against a dealer showing 10 multiple times at the blackjack table at Mystic Lake.  What the fuck.

10.  Ike-  Ike pretty much just has one speed now.  Back in the day, he was one of our more volatile drunks.  He's put a few holes in the doors/walls in his old apartment, and I wish I had a taco for every time I've talked some random guy out of beating the crap out of Ike-- since he loves to chirp at dudes ten times stronger than he is.  But now, whenever we booze together, he pretty much just gets hammered, then spends most of the rest the night talking about how he can't drink like this anymore, and that he might die from his hangover the next day.  Rinse, repeat, see you at the wedding next month.  Can't really blame him; dude's got like nine kids now or some shit.

9.  Murph-  I don't have anything to say one way or the other about Murph.  He was everywhere, and he was nowhere.  The middle of the rankings is perfect for him.

8.  Schultzy-  Was going around slapping everyone in the dick, and when someone would (inevitably and obviously) ask him why the hell he just did that, he would respond "That's what you get for being a pussy."  So to recap, if you are a pussy, you get punched in the dick.

7.  BroMo-  He dipped out early on Friday night to bone one of LZE's friends, when everyone knows bachelor parties are supposed to be duders before hooters.  Then again, we were hanging out with ex-strippers old enough to be our mother (see below) so I'm not sure I can really dock him points for that choice.

6.  Russell-  Pretty much just for this picture alone.  I don't know who put one of our shirts on that woman, and frankly, I think I'm better off not knowing.

5.  Morley-  Befriended a 54-year-old ex-stripper during Cosmic Bingo, who then hung out with us for a loooong time after that.  I'm about 80% sure that her and her husband were swingers and were out on a scouting trip.  Weirdly enough, she looked eerily like Manada's roommate from freshman year of college, so we started calling her 'Nadean of the Future.'  That joke is funnier if you paid any attention to the Disney Channel lineup in the mid-2000s.

4.  Me-  I could almost see sliding myself down a few spots; I mean, I was in control enough to be on Easy E patrol at the end of the night on Friday.  But if I did move myself down the list, then one of my buddies would read this and probably call me and say something like "Yeah, but remember when the opening notes of 'Party in the USA' started during bingo and you immediately stood up and shouted "Who's that chick that's rockin' kicks!  She's gotta be from out of town!"  Or when you pointed at the elderly black lady playing slots and said you were going to go smell Rosa Parks' hair?" So I'll just leave myself at #4.  I was up to the bridge of my nose in a LOT of hair that night.

3.  Fundy-  He was talking to all kinds of strangers all weekend, and if you know Fundy, that alone is enough to vault him into top 3.  Fundy initiating conversation with everyday strangers is the equivalent of you or I walking up to Kim Jong-un or Charles Manson or somebody, saying what up, and offering a fist bump.

2.  T-Nels-  He pulled off the ol' Daily Double on Saturday.  He was hammered enough at 6pm to be falling asleep as we ate dinner in the food court, took the next few plays off, then got re-drunk and rallied to an impressive finish, eventually having a "dance-off" in the middle of the casino floor towards the end of the night.  I put that in quotation marks because it wasn't much of a competition.  It was Fundy and T-Nels, doing the white boy dance where you move your arms more than you move your feet, going up against a couple of black guys who were legit break-dancing.  So you could say Fundy & T-Nels almost won the dance-off, in the same sense that Custer almost won the Battle of Little Bighorn.

1.  Easy E-  If you ask him, I'm sure he won't agree with this ranking, since his performance on Saturday was pretty mundane.  That's my point, though.  He went wayyyyyy too hard on Friday, to the point that his performance on Saturday was severely lacking.  So basically, it was like EVERY OTHER TIME IN OUR LIVES THAT WE'VE DRANK BEERS MORE THAN ONE DAY IN A ROW.  At some point, the ability to not get Patrick Ewing'd the first night of a vacation and ruining the second day has to kick in.  Either that, or he needs to be better at being hungover.  Dude, it's 3am, and we have a 10am tee time tomorrow.  You know, when everyone else is joining up for your actual bachelor party, you remember that?  You probably don't need to order two tall Mich Goldens and a Skinny Pirate right now.