Monday, March 26, 2007

The Top 5. Volume 3.

Every guy who has been to college knows and understands the beauty of the fake name. If you're talking to an annoying girl, if you're out of town, or if you're just feeling stupid and exceedingly drunk, the fake name is everything from a lifesaver to a good laugh. Here are my top 5 favorite fake names I have employed at various times over the last few years.

#5: Reemis Kofax. It was not very believable, and it's ripped off from Big Daddy, when Sonny Kofax (Adam Sandler) is pretending to talk to someone else on the phone, "Yes, Uncle Reemis, the catfish are huge," but I have a special love for it because it was my first fake name.

#4: Scott Jamison. I liked this one initially, but now a few years later, it seems dumb. What white guy, especially in North Dakota, has the last name Jamison? One good result of this name was meeting a hot, yet dumb-as-rocks girl at a party on a Friday, giving her the Scott Jamison name and fake number, then coming home on Saturday night to a party going on at Culligan Manor. Apparently she was acquaintances with one of my other friends, and she had just received a tour of the whole place, including my room, where she learned my true identity.  I received a good ass-chewing from her regarding maturity, which is always fun when you're walking into your own bedroom. Great stuff.

#3: Tom Harkin. Mixed feelings about this one as well. I absolutely love it, as I am huge fan of the Chappelle sketch where Howard Dean goes on his rant, finishing with "Byaaahhhh!!!!" He starts out by saying "We're not just going to take New Hampshire...(points to someone in the background) ....Tom Harkin. We're gonna take New York, and Ohio....etc. etc." So to me and a select few who also love the show, it's about as funny as a fake name can be. However, not that many people share my love of the name, or even know what I'm talking about. That is what keeps it at #3. This is the current name I've been using, including pretty much the whole time in Texas a couple weeks ago.

#2: Chip (last name unknown): This one gets #2 for one story, and one story only. A couple years ago, I get a phone call from a number I don't know, so I flush it. The message, paraphrased, is this:

"Hey, Chip, this is, we met at that party last weekend with the Harlem Globetrotters, and I just thought you were really funny, the way you were messing with them, and you were just really funny when we were talking, and, um, and I was just calling to see what you are up to tonight. Call me back. Bye."

A little back story: a couple nights earlier, I was a party at our neighbors' when the Globetrotters, who were in town for an exhibition game, showed up. I was blacked out the entire time, I barely remember a thing.

So not wanting to actually talk to this girl, who I have no recollection of, I have a buddy call the girl back, and ask for details on how "Chip" was fucking with the 'trotters. Apparently, I strolled up to them with a ball, and started going into a 5th grade basketball camp routine, ball between the legs, around the hips, around my head, all that good shit. All while humming the Sweet Georgia Brown song and talking shit to them about how I was just as good as they were. Allegedly, the phrase "The Washington Generals ain't got shit on me" left my mouth. They just laughed, and when they asked me my name, I came back with Chip. And the rest, as they say, is history. To this day I don't know who the girl was; I never called her back.

#1: Adam Banks. Some of you might already recognize this one. That's right, the cake-eater himself, leading scorer of the Mighty Ducks. This one is awesome because you can see the wheels turning in girls' heads as they ponder the name they have been given. The light bulb alllllmost kicks on, but then the booze takes back over, and they accept the name. I've only been busted on it once, by a savvy Vegas girl at the craps table. This name was born on a drunken night in Minot (yeah we were drinking in Minot, hence the reason to spice things up with fake names) and a group of us guys decided to be Banks, Jesse Hall, Dwayne Robertson, Fulton Reed, Greg Goldberg, and Gordon Bombay. We even had our friend Erica be Julie "The Cat" Gaffney.  Another great thing about this name, or combination of names, is most guys you meet will get the reference, but not let the girls they are with in on it. They know what's up.

So next time you are with a bunch of dudes in a strange town gettin' sauced up, don't be yourself. Be the Mighty Ducks. Just don't use Charlie Conway; chicks always catch that one.