The Top 5. Volume 3.

Every guy who has been to college knows and understands the beauty of the fake name. If you're talking to an annoying girl, if you're out of town, or if you're just feeling stupid and exceedingly drunk, the fake name is everything from a lifesaver to a good laugh. Here are my top 5 favorite fake names I have employed at various times over the last few years.

#5: Reemis Kofax. It was not very believable, and it's ripped off from Big Daddy, when Sonny Kofax (Adam Sandler) is pretending to talk to someone else on the phone, "Yes, Uncle Reemis, the catfish are huge," but I have a special love for it because it was my first fake name.

#4: Scott Jamison. I liked this one initially, but now a few years later, it seems dumb. What white guy, especially in North Dakota, has the last name Jamison? One good result of this name was meeting a hot, yet dumb-as-rocks girl at a party on a Friday, giving her the Scott Jamison name and fake number, then coming home on Saturday night to a party going on at Culligan Manor. Apparently she was acquaintances with one of my other friends, and she had just received a tour of the whole place, including my room, where she learned my true identity.  I received a good ass-chewing from her regarding maturity, which is always fun when you're walking into your own bedroom. Great stuff.

#3: Tom Harkin. Mixed feelings about this one as well. I absolutely love it, as I am huge fan of the Chappelle sketch where Howard Dean goes on his rant, finishing with "Byaaahhhh!!!!" He starts out by saying "We're not just going to take New Hampshire...(points to someone in the background) ....Tom Harkin. We're gonna take New York, and Ohio....etc. etc." So to me and a select few who also love the show, it's about as funny as a fake name can be. However, not that many people share my love of the name, or even know what I'm talking about. That is what keeps it at #3. This is the current name I've been using, including pretty much the whole time in Texas a couple weeks ago.

#2: Chip (last name unknown): This one gets #2 for one story, and one story only. A couple years ago, I get a phone call from a number I don't know, so I flush it. The message, paraphrased, is this:

"Hey, Chip, this is Stacy...um, we met at that party last weekend with the Harlem Globetrotters, and I just thought you were really funny, the way you were messing with them, and you were just really funny when we were talking, and, um, and I was just calling to see what you are up to tonight. Call me back. Bye."

A little back story: a couple nights earlier, I was a party at our neighbors' when the Globetrotters, who were in town for an exhibition game, showed up. I was blacked out the entire time, I barely remember a thing.

So not wanting to actually talk to this girl, who I have no recollection of, I have a buddy call the girl back, and ask for details on how "Chip" was fucking with the 'trotters. Apparently, I strolled up to them with a ball, and started going into a 5th grade basketball camp routine, ball between the legs, around the hips, around my head, all that good shit. All while humming the Sweet Georgia Brown song and talking shit to them about how I was just as good as they were. Allegedly, the phrase "The Washington Generals ain't got shit on me" left my mouth. They just laughed, and when they asked me my name, I came back with Chip. And the rest, as they say, is history. To this day I don't know who the girl was; I never called her back.

#1: Adam Banks. Some of you might already recognize this one. That's right, the cake-eater himself, leading scorer of the Mighty Ducks. This one is awesome because you can see the wheels turning in girls' heads as they ponder the name they have been given. The light bulb alllllmost kicks on, but then the booze takes back over, and they accept the name. I've only been busted on it once, by a savvy Vegas girl at the craps table. This name was born on a drunken night in Minot (yeah we were drinking in Minot, hence the reason to spice things up with fake names) and a group of us guys decided to be Banks, Jesse Hall, Dwayne Robertson, Fulton Reed, Greg Goldberg, and Gordon Bombay. We even had our friend Erica be Julie "The Cat" Gaffney.  Another great thing about this name, or combination of names, is most guys you meet will get the reference, but not let the girls they are with in on it. They know what's up.

So next time you are with a bunch of dudes in a strange town gettin' sauced up, don't be yourself. Be the Mighty Ducks. Just don't use Charlie Conway; chicks always catch that one.

The Day After

Been struggling through the day that is always the worst day of the year; the day after Kansas loses. I have been handling it much better than the last two years, partly because I never really felt that confident against UCLA, partly because it wasn't a first round game against an inferior opponent, partly because we have nearly everyone back next year (I'm thinking Brandon Rush is gone.) It was a good run, but looking at their faces halfway through the second half, you knew it was done. Add in the fact that they shot under 50% on layups and dunks, and it's a wonder they stayed as close as they did. On the plus side, following my after-loss shenanigans of the last couple years, my friends are officially scared to do anything after KU loses. We had a sellout crowd at Culligan Manor, employing the dual TVs for the UND hockey game, and there was a stretch of about 15 minutes, starting with about 2 minutes left in the KU game, where no one talked, until finally I said something, and conversation resumed again. I also received no phone calls or texties until a couple hours later. Good times. However, as I started crushing beers after the game and subsequently went out to the bar, I received this award-winning texty from The Woman:

"Call if you need a ride--please don't go to jail tonight--I don't know where it is."

OK enough about KU; my therapist said to stay positive and think about all the good things in my life. I suppose I have to give Memphis props, as they advanced further than I thought they would, and destroyed my bracket by beating A&M. Thanks, guys. That being said, I would have loved to play them instead of UCLA to go to the final 4. With all due respect to Fundy, who shows me love regarding KU, even cheering for them last night, but I am happy to see Carolina crap the bed against G'town today. Anything that results in Roy crying is OK in my book. It will be fun to watch Hibbert and Oden go at each other. Quick picks: Florida over UCLA, Georgetown over Ohio St. We've been blessed by basically having two final 4's this year.

Thumbs down to the Grand Am tournament, which quickly turned into Devils Lake tournament in the last two years that I didn't play. Our last game was downright Fort Totten-esque, played at South Middle School, with refs that didn't know the rules. I am tired of organized basketball in general. I can't remember the last game I played in where there were competent referees.

Also, Brady Morningstar is now my facebook friend. Still waiting for Mario Chalmers, Brandon Rush, Darnell Jackson, and Russell Robinson to answer. Julian Wright doesn't allow random people to give friend requests. God bless facebook. Not creepy at all.

French, your continual pimping of the McGriddle has piqued the curiousity of both my taste buds and myself. My goals for the week now include trying one.

Fan Mail

In response to Dunph from Grand Forks, who said my elite 8 was chalk and I was a homo for picking it, let's do a little breakdown of our respective elite 8's.

Mine: Florida, Oregon, Kansas, UCLA, UNC, Georgetown, Ohio St., Texas A & M

Dunph's: Florida, Wisconsin, Kansas, UCLA, Texas, Georgetown, Ohio St., Texas A & M.

So basically, they are the same, except all my teams are still alive. In closing, Dunph from Grand Forks, don't be pissed that you recently found out that watching Josh McRoberts and Greg Paulus is the gayest thing on TV since the last episode of Will and Grace.

Tourney Thoughts

Due to Blogger being completely gay the last week or so, I was unable to to write any kind of March Madness preview. It's pretty much worthless now because most of the people who read this know my bracket anyway, but whatever:

Elite 8 of Ohio St., Texas A&M, Kansas, UCLA, Florida, Oregon, UNC, Georgetown. Final 4 of KU, Fla, A&M, UNC. A&M over Fla in the final. My upsets that have panned out so far have been VCU over Duke, UNLV over Wisconsin and Vandy over WSU. My unsuccessful ones were Nevada over Memphis, Arkansas over USC, and Old Dominion over Butler. So I'm looking pretty good so far, like everyone else in this chalk tournament. However, my bracket success has not translated into winning money. Not even close. Special thanks to Texas this afternoon.

Best games so far have been Ohio St.-Xavier, VCU-Duke, Vandy-WSU and Pitt-VCU. Shot of the tourney was Ron Lewis's ridiculous shot from the parking lot with two hands in his face to send that game to OT, receiving bonus points for my boy Gus Johnson calling that game. Saturday's awesomeness made up for Thursday's shittiness. Feeling really good about KU as they have been the most impressive of the 1 seeds so far. Rush is the X factor, and when he is on, they become wayyyy tougher.

Commercial of the tourney so far is undoubtedly the Sonic commercial where the guy talks about Charlie, his stomach grumble. "Lookin good dude." Not as sweet as last year when the Applebees guys sang about a "three hour tew-errrrr", but it'll do.

Pictures and stories from Texas once I get the pics from Annie. After this last week and a half, I am excited to hook up to the rejuvenator for a few days and not drink. Peace.

Your 2006-2007 Grand Forks Modo Ramal

Our city league team, Modo Ramal (a team name I never would've agreed to had I known that it was secretly Lamar Odom backwards.) Bottom row: Ricky Shiu, Michael Boser (you may know him as Keanu Reeves,) myself, and Matt Abentroth. Top row: Dan Sondreal, Randy Mo-, um, Ryan Hazzard, and Tony Plathe. I am proud that this team went 6-8 in the top division, overcoming the fact that our tallest guy was 6'4'', and I was the power forward at all of 6'2''.

Texas trip this weekend. Tonight in Minneapolis, Friday in Corpus Christi, Saturday in San Antonio, Sunday in Dallas. Goals for the weekend: get shitfaced, go to the beach, don't get arrested, watch KU get a 1 seed with Wisconsin as the 2 and Memphis as the 3 in their bracket. Hope everyone has a happy Selection Sunday. Peace.

Odds And Ends And Elbows

To borrow a line from Tupac (sort of): FUCK DUKE AS A STAFF, A BASKETBALL TEAM, AND AS A MUTHA FUCKIN' CREW. And if you want to be down with Duke, then fuck you too. The more I hear about the Henderson/Hansbrough incident, and the more times I see the replay and see how blatant that was, the more angry I get. As if enough people didn't hate Duke already. And anyone who plays that card, "Everyone is only saying it's intentional because they hate Duke" can go fist themself. There isn't a person on the planet (Coach Gay included) that honestly thinks that. I think Simmons made an excellent point when he stated what he thinks would happen if the roles were reversed. Coach Gay would have had Hansbrough banned from all of college fucking basketball. Plus, this whole shebangabang reminded me of when Christian Laettner stomped on the Kentucky player in '92. Fucking A. Duke is a bunch of queers. How could anyone cheer for those faggots? OK I'm done. For now.

Simmons also has said he thinks KU is going to win the title, which in no way makes me feel good. I know that he has recently made his foray into college basketball, but watching a bunch of Texas games and TIVOing whatever other major game is on ESPN or CBS does not mean that you know anything about college hoops. As much as I love Simmons, I would rather he not be on board the KU bandwagon. Who punched his ticket to get on, anyway?

With that said, here is a mini-breakdown of some of the top 10:

SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME:

North Carolina: An already very good team just had their toughness factor bumped into the red. The one knock I had on them was their play in crunch time. Hansbrough, who I have thought looks soft at times, is going to absolutely fuck people up now. He's fucking pissed.

Florida: Anyone who thinks they are done because they lost a couple of games in one of the toughest conferences in America (Simmons) can eat shit. This team was built in the Contending For National Titles Factory.

Texas A&M: Probably the mentally toughest team in America, which goes a long way in the tourney.

DOESN'T SCARE ME AS MUCH AS THEY PROBABLY SHOULD:

Ohio St.: Simply for the fact that teams that live and die by the 3 usually don't make it in the tourney. But if they get hot for 6 games, they will roll to the title.

UCLA: I don't exactly know why. Maybe it's the Midwest bias. They're deep, but it never seems like everyone shows up at once. If their entire rotation all came to play for one game, they would be even more amazing.

Georgetown: I have no idea what to do with this team. A couple of weeks ago I had them pegged as my sleeper Final 4 team. Watching a little more of them lately, now I kinda think that they just stink of early-round upset. Gotta love college hoops.

CAN THEY BE A 2 SEED IN KU'S BRACKET, PLEASE?:

Memphis: Here are six words to remember when filling out your bracket: Memphis sucks. Memphis sucks. Memphis sucks. Don't let anyone tell you differently. I already knew that they hadn't played anyone, but I decided to double check to avoid sounding like an asshole, and what I found astounded me. Look at their list of wins: Jackson St., Oklahoma, Kentucky, Arkansas St., Manhattan, Marshall, Ole Miss, Austin Peay, M. Tenn. St., Lamar, Cincinnati, Houston, So. Miss, UAB, E. Carolina, Tulsa, So. Miss, Central Florida, SMU, UAB, Tulane, Tulsa, Gonzaga (by 1), Rice, Houston, UTEP, SMU. Possibly the worst #5 team in the history of the top 25.

Wisconsin: Wildly overrated all year long. Plus I'd rather watch a middle school girls' game than one of theirs.

Nevada: Also hasn't played much of anyone, and I think Fazekas will get killed by a smaller, more athletic forward.

Some other teams that have me mildly nervous thinking about playing them in the Sweet 16: Louisville, Maryland, Virginia Tech, Tennessee, and Indiana. Texas was in this category, but now after what they did in the first half at a rowdy Phog Allen Fieldhouse, they have been moved into the category of "Give Me A Couple Valium Before Tip-off."

In a completely unrelated story, Sausage Egg McMuffins have replaced Breakfast Burritos as my go-to choice for hangover food.

*I apologize for the amount of profanity. Duke makes me angry, and it is reflected throughout today's post.

At Least It's March

As we are in the midst of a two-foot snowfall, the only thing that makes me happy is that it is March. College basketball conference tourneys are starting, spring training is underway, and the greatest day of the year is just two short weeks away. The game between Texas and Texas A&M last night was game of the year so far. Acie Law is absolutely terrifying in the clutch. The shot he hit over Durant with 1.4 left was insane. They had to clean the paint from the rafters off the ball before overtime. Even though they ended up losing, I don't know how I am gonna pick against A&M in the tourney. They're scary good. A win against Texas on Saturday = Big 12 title for KU. Excited to see Durant match up on either Julian or Arthur. Also a big F-U to Georgetown, Florida, Michigan St., North Carolina, and every other team on a hot streak that decided to shit the bed once we laid money on them. Speaking of gambling, I'm resurrecting the pool this year after a two-year hiatus due to spring break trips. Details soon.

Props to everyone who came to the impromptu noon-ball banquet at Royal Fork buffet; those senior citizens didn't know what hit them. I know I got my $7.91 worth in broasted chicken alone. Blogger is being gay and not posting the picture of the destruction we did to their food supply.

Watched Stranger Than Fiction and School For Scoundrels this week and was disappointed by both. We will look back on the years 2002-2005 as the glory days for comedies.

That's all for now; tax returns are piling up, it is starting to snow again, and I'm gonna go sharpen my pencil so that it actually penetrates the skin and into my juggular this time.

The Top 5. Volume 2.

I was sick as a dog all weekend, causing me to miss out on the Daytona 500 festivities, always one of the best days of the year, as the Bergmans actually watch the race with great interest, and the rest of us spend a Sunday afternoon watching cars go around in a circle occasionally crashing, and getting absolutely bombed. Everyone knows that Bergman is a world-class drunk dialer, but he had to have set a new record yesterday by calling me 13 times in a 5 hour span. Kudos, sir.

Anyways, being couch-ridden yesterday was a blessing in disguise, as I encountered possibly the best day of movies on TV in my life. I mean, look at this lineup: Rat Race, 10 Things I Hate About You, Bring It On, Bad Santa, Napoleon Dynamite, Any Given Sunday, Mean Girls, Not Another Teen Movie, Speed. Are you kidding? That, my friends, is a fucking murderer's row. I had to blow on the remote control every once in a while to cool it off. With that in mind, here are my top 5 movies on TV that I am dropping what I am doing and watching every time, no matter what. In high school we called them homework killers, which now seems ironic because we didn't have shit for homework.

5. Mortal Kombat: Don't ask me why; I couldn't tell you. Sonya Blade (Bridgette Wilson) is hot? Sure. Liu Kang's facial expressions and weird noises while fighting? Alright. Sweet-ass 1995 techno music? Sounds like as good a reason as any. A movie based on the video game that changed the landscape of video games forever, paving the way for such society-eroders like Grand Theft Auto? Where do I sign?

4. Not Another Teen Movie: This is the only movie on the list that inspired me enough to buy it...mostly cause it was 6 bucks at Best Buy. However, it is a legimately funny movie, with two of my favorite actors whose name I have no idea (a "That Guy" in the words of Simmons) : the token black guy "Bling bling!"...... "That is wack!" and the asshole quarterback who starts the bet "well Mr. Needs-To-Find-A-Date-For-The-Prom...let's find you a date for the prom"........"little Miss Run-Home-To-Her-Daddy...ran home to her daddy." Oh yeah this movie also has a few titty scenes in it, which don't transfer well to Comedy Central.

3. Mean Girls: Lindsey Lohan at her absolute prime, Rachel McAdams as she was blowing up, a few SNL characters (always good to see Tim Meadows getting work) and this stunning realizaton, which hit me last night: it's kind of a funny movie. I was laughing out loud, or LOLing, on more than one occasion. And yes, I am strangely comfortable admitting that.

2. Bring It On: This movie really has no redeemable qualities other than Kirsten Dunst and Eliza Dushku. Which is more than enough for the number 2 spot on this list.

1. 10 Things I Hate About You: The common denominator of every movie on this list is I really don't know why I like the particular movie. I do know that I am in love with the girl who plays Alex Mack (Larisa Oleynik?) I do know that I am not in the fan club of either Julia Styles or Heath Ledger. I do know that movies where a juvenile bet goes awry, the victims get mad at the particapants, then forgive them after either a) a half-assed apology or b) no apology usually don't do it for me. I also know that I have seen this movie upwards of 30 times, and neither myself nor anyone I know owns it.

As always, feel free to argue.

Shooting Star Casino...Where The Stars Always Shine!

A limo trip to the Shooting Star last Saturday night went horribly awry for one man. It started out innocently enough, but once certain elements were introduced, there was really no way it was going to end well.

Bad decision #1: Letting Jon-Jon convince me that wearing NBA arm sleeves would be funny. Under no circumstances is a 6'2'' white guy wearing a Ron Burgundy t-shirt, white button-up, and white arm sleeve funny. However, in my defense, it is probably slightly better than a 6'11'' white guy with a red t-shirt and red arm sleeve. A.I. and D-Wade, we ain't.

Bad decision #2: Jello shots on the limo. I told Leah and Annie not to bring them...

Bad decision #3: While stopping at the bar in Crookston, after checking scores and seeing us go 3 for 3 in college bball picks, doing celebratory shots. However, this did lead to seeing a dude in the bathroom in an old-school Winnipeg Jets jersey, and me dropping a pretty sweet Teemu Selanne reference on him. He seemed not to like it so much.

So needless to say I am pretty tuned up by the time we get to the Star. However, do not misconstrue the preceding paragraphs as me admitting fault for what happened. I'm just saying that once those events occurred, karma was not on my side.

Me, Russell, Bergman, Jon-Jon, and Steve hit the tables right away, while the girls went to the slots. I am treading water for quite a while, running my mouth in a good-natured way, the dealers love me, all is good. This goes on for an hour or so. Then, right when we start getting a little hot, out from the bullpen comes Julie, the lefty specialist brought in to shut me up. Everyone knows I can't hit lefties.

Now Julie has obviously had a bad day (or life), and I am not helping it. The one thing I will aceept responsibility for is swearing. When I'm drinking, I have a sailor's mouth, and when I am drinking and playing cards, all bets are off (pun intended.) However, Julie's ridiculous attitude is what took this thing to Defcom 5. Here is an example of one of our (many) exchanges:

Me (after doubling an 11, getting a 2, then watching Julie draw out a six card 21): Jesus Christ, would you look at these fucking cards right now?

Julie: No swearing at the table.

Me: I mean, wow. You've gotta be kidding me. You're killing me, Jules.

Julie, getting louder as the sentence progresses: Sir, do you realllly think that I'M IN CONTROL OF WHAT CARDS COME OUT?!?

Me: Ummm....no, I don't. It was a fucking joke.

Julie: NO SWEARING AT THE TABLE!!!!

And so on and so forth. Details get hazy at this point, but undoubtedly I was becoming more and more of a prick. I have absolutely no problem with dealers taking my money, but when they are assholes while they do it, I am no basket of cherries myself. I actually don't remember the knockout punch, but Jon-Jon filled me in:

Me: I want to tell you something Julie, and I'm gonna be real honest with you. (pause to make eye contact with her and put on my serious face.....) You are the worst blackjack dealer I have ever seen in my life.

Annnnd that's the game!

Supervisors were called over, then pit bosses, then THE pit boss, and I was on my not-so-merry way. I then spent the next hour wandering around, alternately taking things from the closed down buffet, telling everyone in earshot how unjust this was, and trying to get back on the tables. Three separate times I was chased from the blackjack area, until finally Russell found me and brought me to the high-roller room. There I get hot again, and recovered almost everything I lost to Julie, when the eye in the sky spots me, and the head pit boss comes storming in and tells me that no blackjack MEANS NO BLACKJACK, and that my services are no longer needed in the casino anymore.

Though I was pretty pissed at the time, I'm not real worried about it. I don't think I'm blacklisted with my picture up or anything, and I probably won't go to Mahnomen again anyway. However, it was interesting that the same schtick that 95% of blackjack dealers I have encountered love, got me thrown out on this occasion.

I blame the arm sleeve.

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due

Random Event of the day (and possibly year) so far: some dude driving a camry or something like that comes flying down The Strip right in front of my window, whips the e-brake, and does the best 180 into a parking spot since Ace Ventura at Joe Robbie Stadium. I mean, it was between two cars and everything. 15-year-old girls couldn't parallel park this well if you gave them 45 minutes to do it. When the guy gets out of his car and walks down the sidewalk right in front of me, I pop out of my chair and give him a standing O, the first one I have ever given out for events seen through my window. He looks at me, squints, and keeps walking. Dick. So I went outside, keyed his car all to shit, and wrote a note saying, "Nice 180, Ace. You suck." Or I should've, anyway.

At first I was pretty pissy about Peyton and the Colts winning the SB, but I realized I can't be that mad. The last couple years, regarding the teams I hate, have been pretty gravy. The Yanks haven't won it all since 2000 (easy to forget) and are owners of the biggest choke job in sports; Duke hasn't won since 2001, they only have one Final 4 since, and finally a big stink is being made regarding how biased Dickie V, Mike Patrick, Billy Packer, and the refs are; the Lakers haven't done shit since Shaq left and Kobe has since been made a villain; and the Colts, until now, were known as the chokers of the NFL. So fine, no more being a baby. Congrats, Peyton. Cut that meat!!!

KU/KState tonight. You can officially put me in the camp of "Every single game left on KU's schedule scares me to death." With this team, I'll need a defibulator for the tourney.

Round 3 of the CPAs is tomorrow. Dear Mr. State Board of Accountancy: No more 74's, please. A 75 will suffice.

I'll leave you with these words from Gilbert Arenas, which I think is the funniest thing he has ever said. And that's saying something, considering the source.

"If I have the chance to go back to college, I'll give up one NBA season to play against Duke. One college game that's five fouls, right? ... 40-minute game at Duke, they got soft rims I'd probably score 84 or 85. I wouldn't pass the ball. I wouldn't even think about passing it. It would be like a NBA Live or an NBA 2K7 game, you just shoot with one person."

Not-So-Super Bowl

News and Notes from the weekend:

Blah Super Bowl for the second straight year. Started out exciting, obviously, but wow was Rex terrible. I feel bad for the rest of the team. If you put ANY other quarterback in the league on the Bears, they are Super Bowl champs. I kinda just threw that comment out there, but now I'm thinking about it....thinking....thinking....yes. Any other QB in the league. Well, maybe not Aaron Brooks. In our SB tradition of "Stupid random dollar bets that keep us entertained throughout the game," I finished down two bucks, only because I took a pretty big hit when everyone in the room unexpectedly called my Dominic Rhodes as MVP bet. Some other highlights from the betting: Me winning a bet vs. everyone in the room when I said Rex wouldn't complete a pass to a wide receiver for the rest of the 1st half; Jake yelling out "this drive ends in a turnover!" as Rex goes back to pass, everyone calling him, Rex throwing up one of his patented floaters, everyone but Jake screaming "NO!!!" and Jake subsequently collecting from everyone; me winning the "who has next commercial, CSI or Bud Light" bet with Ike; Jake betting Paul the 2-minute warning would come at 1:58 (resourceful); and Jon-Jon betting Bergman that a plane would crash into the stadium.

I don't even know what to take from the KU/A&M game on Saturday. KU was up 8 and preparing to blow it open when the fucking power went out at Culligan Manor. As soon as it goes out, A&M goes on a 17-4 run to end the game. I can't even be that pissed because from what I watched, they played solid. Just a worst-case scenario. Worse still when you find out the outcome of the game from a textie from Dunph. By the way, Dunph, your mom was in Perkins the next day and asked me if I had talked to you lately, and I allllmost said "Yeah, actually, last night he told me to get bent and called me a cockbag after Kansas lost. He seems to be doing well." I didn't, though. Then the Basketball Gods rewarded me by letting FSU beat Duke.

I have a running joke going that whenever any girl asks me how things are going with The Woman, I solemnly tell them that we're on the rocks. Results in no real repurcussions for me, but a lot of headaches for her, as invariably the girl who asked will scurry off to hit her with a barrage of questions, when the whole thing isn't true anyway. Needless to say, she is not impressed with the whole game. So I tell her that I will stop if she lets Bergman put her in the torture rack, made famous by the one and only Lex Luger. Without a single question as to what it is, she accepts, and the resulting cell phone pictures are more than worth it. We may have a keeper on our hands.

Enjoy the trophy, Peyton. Dork.

Super Bowl, Smokin' Aces

Before the Super Bowl Pick, I would just like everyone to know that Smokin' Aces is FAN-tastic. Jeremy Piven plays the part of a strung-out mob snitch perfectly. The number of quirky, less-than-wholesome characters is great (think Snatch.) The comic relief that isn't provided by these outlandish hitmen is provided by a smattering of dry humor (think Ocean's Eleven.) And all the craziness that goes down at the hotel is one of those scenes where, after it gets over with, you just sit there in shock for a couple minutes, then look around, shake yourself out of it, and say "what the fuck just happened?!?" (think the bank robbery scene from Heat, or to a lesser extent, the chainsaw scene from Scarface.) I thought the ending was a little weak, but The Woman loved it, so judge for yourself. But go see it.

As for the Super Bowl...I guess it's gotta be the Colts. I think the Bears have a better shot than most everyone is giving them. Great defenses ALWAYS beat great offenses, and teams that get this disrespected usually come out with some fire. However, I'm not positive that the Bears D is legitimately great anymore. Without the injuries to Mike Brown and Tommie Harris, maybe they are. But there has been a noticable decline since those two went out. Also, defenses on teams that get disrespected can come out and be fired up and dominate, but offenses that get dissed usually get dissed because they suck, and unlike on D, you can't overcome the fact that you are a shitty offense by being emotional. I don't think Peyton will steamroll them or anything, but he will put enough on the board that a Rex Grossman-led offense won't be able to match it. I think it could come down to Grossman having to make a last minute drive for the win, and there isn't a Bears fan out there that wants to rely on Grossman's arm with the Super Bowl at stake. As with every game involving the Colts so far this playoffs, I hope to be proven wrong. Watching Peyton hoist that trophy will ruin my entire weekend.

Colts 24, Bears 20.

The Top 5. Volume 1.

The Top 5...

Coolest TV characters of all time, omitting cartoons. Feel free to argue.

5. Corey Matthews, Boy Meets World. He hung out with the coolest kid in school, dated the hottest girl, had the hook-up with the principal, and still managed to keep a solid head on his shoulders. He played the part of "average guy correctly predicts weird girl will get hot after puberty, sneaks into the game early, then hangs on for dear life" to perfection. We'll call it the Corey Matthews Corollary.

4. Seth Cohen, The O.C. Dorky, but hilarious. His one-liners are ridiculous, and he gets bonus points for securing the girl of his dreams, (in real life as well as the show) when she is clearly out of his league.

3. Zack Morris, Saved By The Bell. Not much explanation needed here. Basically, if you are between the ages of 18-28, he has to be on your list. Had a scheme for everything. Bonus points for nailing every hot girl he ever encountered, then still getting to settle down with Kelly Kapowski when it was all said and done. Negative points for acting like a huge vagina when Kelly cheated on him with that douchebag Jeff.

2. Brandon Walsh, Beverly Hills, 90210. He's like Zack Morris with a conscience. While Zack gets girls by being a scam artist and charmer, Brandon gets them by being a stand-up, honest, all-american guy. Beverly Hills girls aren't used to that type of shit. Negative points for not nailing Kelly Kapowski (Valerie Malone in 90210) when she was throwing herself at him. Bonus points for making ridiculous sideburns cool, making it OK for white guys to call other white guys by the first initial of their names, and for never fooling around with Donna Martin (Tori Spelling.) Zack probably would've, just for the story. In fact, maybe that's bonus points for Zack.

1. Ed Stevens, Ed. He combined the good-guy tactics of Brandon with the "never say die, do whatever you have to do to get this girl" mentality of Zack. I have never been so emotionally invested in a character's battle to obtain a girl before. Although I would put forth that kind of effort for the girl from Happy Gilmore, too. Leads the league in sappy, romantic, damn-that-was-money schemes. I've been stealing his money lines and using them on girls for years now. Plus, while Carol was playing him hot-and-cold for the better part of four seasons, he ran through some real good-looking broads. Major bonus points for the 2002 NBA All-Star Weekend, when, in the celeb/former NBA player/WNBA player three-on-three game, he and Justin Timberlake had to be removed from the game after JT swung on him, because Ed was playing some fuckin' fierce deny defense and not letting him touch the ball. Ed is the wind beneath my wings.

Ladies Love Cool James

Random thoughts from the last few days:

Trying to cut back on the nights that end at 6 am. In case you're wondering: no, I'm not wearing shorts in January, Cory Solem style, but I had one pant leg rolled up. I think this picture was taken following a heated discussion regarding LL Cool J. Notice also the uncomfortable lack of space between Steve's elbow and my balls. Thank you Annie for the ridiculous picture.

With 3 minutes left in the first half in the Kansas/Nebraska game last night, Nebraska had six points. SIX. Two three pointers in the first couple minutes, then they didn't score for like 15 minutes. I don't think I've ever seen that before, and given the way Brad Nessler and Fran Frischilla were hemming and hawing and sometimes just laughing, I don't think they had either.

I have been thinking about it, and I came to the conclusion that last Wednesday and Thursday were the worst back-to-back days of my competitive sports career. On Wednesday, we played the feared Drummond's Diesel team, or as I like to call them, the "Phoenix Suns" with Travis Lindgren as Steve Nash, Joe Ford as Shawn Marion, and Jon-Jon as Paul Shirley, if he still played for them. While bullshitting with Wesley (probably the Raja Bell) before the game I decided to give him some bulletin board material. Feeling good about our two-game win streak, I told him that their undefeated season was ending tonight. He just laughed, and informed me of their new team motto: "We're gettin' 110. You comin' with us?" We won't get into details of the game, just the final score. 115-72. No, Wesley, apparently we're not coming with you. It was the worst loss of my life, unless you count the 6th grade YBL game where me, Bergman, and a bunch of kids wearing jeans lost by 60 to every other basketball player in the school.

Then, at the Townhouse on Thursday, I got killed by The Woman at miniature golf. Just killed. Down by 5 strokes already on the 15th hole, I ganked a one-footer, then threw a fit and crushed my ball into the fake plants by room 107. I thought very hard about smashing one of the fake lampposts with the putter, then instead took the ol' WD. Withdraw for the layperson. There is a 70% chance we're not playing putt-putt again.

Didn't even have a chance to get excited about Todd Helton before trade talks were "ended." I'll go out on a limb and say that at some point trade talks between the Sox and Rox (which is impossible to say without sounding amazingly gay) will be "re-opened."

Schilling back for 2008. If he wants, he can pitch until 2028. He has earned that right.

Happy Tuesday.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

While going through all the crap on my old laptop, I found this little beauty, which I used for my freshman year speech class. I had a pretty sweet teacher, she was like 23 and kinda hot, and she gave me A's for topics such as how Tupac faked his death, and how awesome the '92 Dream Team was. Swearing was even allowed, as long as it wasn't graphic. Anyways, for those of you involved in this tourney, you will love this shit. For those who weren't involved, you probably wish you had been.

Top 10 Moments of the Devils Lake Tournament, 1999-2002:

10. (2000) A life-size cut-out of Michael Jordan guest-coaches the Grand Forks Dynasty, and even participates in some pre-game layup drills en route to their second straight title. Other team, officials, and spectators = unimpressed.

9. (2002) The Native American refs and scoreboard operators who did everything in their power to keep the Dynasty from winning a third place game (which we didn't give a shit about anyway), including shaving time, switching the home team and away team points at random, and calling technical fouls for phantom dunks. The Dynasty won anyway and then received a lifetime ban from Fort Totten, barely escaping town with their scalps intact.

8. (1999) After missing a breakaway three-pointer (yep, breakaway) in the closing minutes of the Dynasty's runaway championship game victory, the trash-talking Indian Mom section gives Dunph an earful. Dunphy responds by shouting "Fuck off and go back to the Rez!!!"

7. (2001) Mike Howard's mind-boggling, have-to-see-it-to-believe-it 26 points in the first 6 minutes of the second half to kickstart the hungover Dynasty and advance them to their third consecutive championship game.

6. (1999) As both teams go to a Box-and-1 defense, Nate Noland wages a one-on-one battle with the goofy looking but surprisingly good kid from Belcourt in the double overtime, ESPN instant classic semifinal that the Dynasty narrowly survived.

5. (1999) After an embarrassing loss to the Dynasty, Raccoon Head (along with his sister or girlfriend, or maybe both) struts into the Dynasty's locker room and vows "You just kicked our asses on the basketball court, and now I'm gonna kick your asses right here." After he gets laughed out of the locker room, he proceeds to chase Lane, Noles, and Dunph out of town in his totally rad pickup truck.

4. (2000) After building a 20-point halftime lead, the Dynasty watches as player after player of the Devils Lake varsity team strolls into the gym and checks into the game, as apparently they were all on the roster. The Dynasty barely holds off the fresh legs of the new team, while a bench-clearing brawl (featuring the help of the Grand Forks Mot team) nearly takes place after the game.

3. (2002) Dan Sondreal's Bobby Knight-esque chair throw in the final seconds of the semifinal game, the Dynasty's first ever loss.

2. (1999) After screwing around and accumulating a 20 point deficit to one of the worst organized baskeball teams ever assembled, Nate gives an inspiring halftime speech (with a few unprintable words.) The Dynasty, in their first ever game together, responds by outscoring the other team by 65 in the second half. That is not a typo.

1. (2000) In the much-ballyhooed championship game against the archrival Grand Forks Mot team, the Dynasty overcomes a 17 point second half margin to take home their second straight title. Future Dynasty member Ben Schneweis storms off the court in the closing seconds, throws his second place trophy out the car window, and would have to write a heartfelt essay to join the Dynasty two years later.

Some closing thoughts, 4 years later: 1). It may not sound like it, but gunning passes at a cardboard Michael Jordan, watching him tip over, and then yelling things like "c'mon, MJ, head in the game!!!" during lay-ups is a lot of fun. I just wish our attempt to check him into the game towards the end was successful. 2). Why the hell were there games in Fort Totten anyway? 3). If I could redo the list, Howard's performance would be higher. That was seriously ridiculous. 4). We did more damage to the reputation of Grand Forks's youth than any other group of high school kids could hope to do. Between our shit-talking on the court, shit-talking from the bench, and shit-talking in between games, we made the 1996 Dream Team look like boy scouts. 5). And I wouldn't change a thing about it.

Read The Blog. Do It. DO IT.

The scene towards the end of Starsky & Hutch, when Ben Stiller adopts that character, I think he's named Maury or something, and goes around acting like an ass and telling everyone "Do it. DO It." is hilarious, and I knew that it was based on some stereotype of guy, but I guess I just didn't think I would ever be lucky enough to meet one of those guys, until last night, when the following exchange took place between me and a 60ish-year-old customer.



Me: What can I get you to drink?

Maury: Let's do it. Mountain Dew. Let's do it.

Me (slightly taken aback, but recovering): Um, we don't have Mountain-

Maury (interrupting): Whaddya got? C'mon, let's do it.

Me: Uhh, Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite, Cherry-

Maury: Do it. Let's do it.

Me: Do what? I just listed a number of options.

Maury: Coke. Do it. Let's do it.

Me, openly laughing now: Alright, dude, I'm doing it.

I spent the next 15 minutes laughing, and even a day later, after I've settled down, I still think this is one of the 20 funniest things that has ever happened to me. I can't even believe this guy was for real.

Quick Picks

A couple of great championship games this weekend, and I will miss both of them because of work. I am debating about whether or not to tape the Pats/Colts game and attempt to watch it at 1 am. That NEVER works out for me, though, even when I don't answer my phone or read any texties. On to the picks:

I would love to hop on the Saints bandwagon this week, like every single one of ESPN's experts and the vast, vast majority of America, but I just can't. I don't think the Saints would want me, anyway. They've had enough blow jobs this week to last them a couple years. The Bears defense is so overdue for a killer game it pains me. Every time I start entertaining the thought that the Saints will win, I have a recurring vision of Urlacher busting through and just lighting Bush up on a first quarter screen pass, as the rest of the D starts growling and barking at Bush as he battles to stay conscious. Bush gets up slowly, fumbles on his next touch, and is a non-factor the rest the way.

Bears 20, Saints 16.

I also think the Colts are due. One of these times they have to beat the Pats. It's science. It might as well be this year, when Peyton has looked like garbage through two games, and the defense has suddenly shown some teeth. It's the Bizarro Colts, and the Bizarro Colts don't give a shit how many times Brady and Belichick have beat them. On top of how much I hate Indy, a win by them also submits me to two more weeks of Jon-Jon and his Stormtrooper Arm name-dropping Dallas Clark and how he was at his wedding. As much as I absolutely fucking HATE to do it, I have to take the Colts. Prove me wrong, New England.

Colts 31, Patriots 20.

Lessons In Life Are Always Learned With A Price

While celebrating both my brother and Russell's birthday last night at the Parrot's Cay, all of us had a very important lesson reinforced. We befriended some girls, one of whom works at the Cay but was off-duty, named Heidi. Our relationship started with her and I battling over who was to be Jukebox Hero, and then digressed into who could play the worst songs to piss off the most people. All good times. Heidi had a friend with her, who was quite good-looking, but it quickly became apparent that this girl, if she somehow failed to find a male companion by the end of the night, would be having sex with the muffler of someone's car in the parking lot. We watched in amusement as she went from table to table, kissing guys and showing anyone who cared how nice her stomach was. When she came our way, I have to say that some of my buddies, who will remain nameless, happened to get a kiss or two. Russell's brother Frank and I took this opportunity to tell this girl what we thought of her. Needless to say she wasn't impressed, but she was too drunk to really care.

Shortly before closing time, things turned ugly. First, Brother's girlfriend Lisa had to be physically restrained after Drunk Slut had some choice words about Lisa's shirt and the amount of cleavage it was showing. A few minutes later, we glance over to see that D.S.'s shirt was completely off. Yep, just sittin there, chillin in her bra. Heidi was successful in getting her to put it back on, much to the dismay of the guys she was sitting with, who were unquestionably in the process of having the draft lottery to see who got their turn first. After a few trips into the guys' bathroom (always the best way to meet a fine gentleman), D.S. stumbled back to her table. As we were advising Heidi to get control of her, Frank, on his way to the door, made some sort of comment as he passed her. D.S. replied by throwing a bottle at him, missing horribly. As the bottle shattered against the wall and the whole bar turned to watch, Frank broke into a dead sprint to the door, while D.S. threw another bottle his way. Predictably, D.S. burst into tears, blaming her psychotic, slutty episode on the fact that her aunt just died. I'm sure her aunt is honored by the tribute she was paid tonight. Anyways, everyone was thrown out, and the night ended terribly for all involved.

The moral of the story: Girls Are Crazy.

Road To Recovery For Big 12

Wow!!! What a game last night between Texas and Oklahoma St. I am absolutely terrified of Kevin Durant. Terrified. He is the most amazing freshman I have ever seen, and I'm starting to wonder if he, not Oden, should be the #1 pick. Granted, Oden is playing left-handed, so maybe I should settle down a bit. But the direction the NBA is taking, maybe Durant is better-suited to be a stud. We'll see.

It's nice to see the Big 12 rebounding a bit after struggling the last couple years; they have left me a bystander when my buddies constantly argue about whose conference is better. Conferences have a tendency to cycle, though; just 5 years ago, the Big 12 was sending a couple teams to the Final 4 each year, and much was being made about how weak the ACC was. Then Carolina recovered, Duke continued being Duke, and Maryland, G. Tech, Wake Forest, Boston College, and now Clemson have all taken turns dominating. With Texas establishing themselves as a year-in, year-out powerhouse, KU being KU, Oklahoma St. and Oklahoma improving after a couple of off-years, Texas A&M making the leap, and Bob Huggins coming to K-State, the Big 12 is set to re-establish themselves as a true "power conference."

The one thing the last couple years have taught me, however, is that the Big 12 has the best collection of home crowds, as a conference, in the country. The mark of a good crowd is how loud and crazy they are, even when their team sucks. Iowa St. and Missouri are prime examples. Both teams have been brutal the last couple of years, but the crowds are still nuts. That is very rare in today's sports scene. I think Kansas and Ok. St. are among the scariest places in the country, and Oklahoma, Nebraska, and Texas Tech are all respectable.

The ACC has Duke, hands down the best crowd in the land, but it also has Carolina, which all things considered, could be the most disappointing crowd ever. For how good their team is, year-in, year-out, they should be on a level with Duke, but they're not even close. B.C. and Maryland are decent, but much of the rest of the conference is lackluster, even boring.

The Pac-10 is horrible aside from Oregon and Zona. UCLA fans should be ashamed, but I guess what do you want from Los Angeles fans? They are disappointing in every sport. Witness a city with 5 million people and zero NFL teams.

The SEC has some great arenas at the moment, namely Kentucky, Florida, and Alabama, but only Kentucky fans stay crazy in down years. Florida's crowd, when they are good, gives me nightmares.

The Big 10, since their downfall, has seen their crowds falter, as well. Only Illinois, Michigan St., and Indiana remain loyal when times are tough. Ohio St. is on its way to a top-tier crowd, however. We'll see if that continues once Oden leaves.

The best competition is from the Big East, as they have a large number of somewhat scary places to play: Syracuse, Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, West Virginia, and Louisville, but only one legitimate scary place: Villanova. Plus they have disappointments in UCONN and Georgetown.

I know I am omitting the smaller conferences, which is sure to draw the wrath of Jon-Jon, but I haven't watched enough games in those places to offer a fair opinion. Here, in my humble opinion, are the best crowds in college ball, based on being loud, knowledgable, and still crazy when the team struggles.

1. Duke
2. Kansas
3. Kentucky
4. Oklahoma St.
5. Villanova

Honorable mentions to Florida, Indiana, and Gonzaga. The floor is open for discussion.

Yep, It's Still Cold

Han Solo was unable to jump-start my car for me, so I had to take my TaunTaun to work today. Hopefully the Empire doesn't discover our rebel base here on the remote ice world of Hoth. I've mentioned that I hate North Dakota lately, right? The only plus has been people-watching everyone on The Strip who are unable to start their car, as well. This morning we had four unfortunate souls by 11 am. I feel worse for the Vilandre guy who is working on the townhomes, as he is the one who gets dragged into jumping everyone one of them, while I giggle, lean back, and take a sip of my hot chocolate.

Almost had another perfect weekend of picks, but New England/Schottenheimer had to ruin it by stepping up/choking with home field once again. I don't hate the Pats by any means, but now they better do what they do best: make Peyton Manning cry. When Tennessee doesn't make the playoffs, I only have one goal for the AFC: the Colts losing. I thought the Chargers had a better shot against the Colts than the Pats do. I know, I know, I haven't been living under a rock the last few years, I am aware that Belichick owns Dungy, but I think this year is different, even besides the fact Indy has home-field. You won't see another shitty game by Peyton against the Pats, I'm afraid. On the other side, you have to like the Saints going against the Bears D, which is suddenly getting scored on with ease. They can't blame this one on Grossman, who played just fine. However, if the weather is bad next week in Chi-town, that could change my opinion. The Saints are definitely a finesse team. I'll wait to make my picks.

To steal a line from Peter Griffin: You know what really grinds my gears? Those forwarded texties with some dumb-ass joke. They are always long, NEVER funny, and I always get them about 12 times, once everyone gets done forwarding them to everyone else. Not to mention that texties cost money on my phone plan, so I'm actually paying money to be pissed off. The absolute worst ones are when they rhyme, such as: "Money is short, times are hard, so merry christmas, here's your fuckin' christmas card." Eat a dick. Fact #1: I have never, ever laughed from one of these textie jokes. Fact #2: The aforementioned jokes have never done anything besides ruin my day for about a half an hour. Fact #3: I have now saved in my quick texts this little ditty: Hahahahaha Fuck Off, You Unoriginal Douchebag. It is reserved for whomever decides to forward me a time-consuming, money-wasting, day-ruining textie. Keep that in mind.

Border War tonight with Mizzou. The fact that KU played like shit against Iowa St. helps. Self probably laid into them pretty good, and they will be motivated to fuck somebody up tonight. Time to start playing like a top 5 team. Rock Chalk.