Favorite Songs Of 2012

As promised, my favorite songs of 2012.  Some of you may rightly ask, "But Jum, how can you remember what songs you heard for the first time, now that's been over a year ago, and in some cases close to two?"  And I would respond, "Because, bro, I keep playlists of all the songs I downloaded for a given year, for ease of reference.  We can go back to 2007 and play this game if we want to.  Now stop being an asshole and read the blog post."


LCD Soundsystem- Daft Punk is Playing at My House




Everyone has that fantasy at being at a concert, and the band calls you onstage from the crowd to play an instrument during one of your favorite jams, right? That's a totally normal thing that we all do? OK good. One of my fantasies is that LCD Soundsystem brings me up for the part that starts around the 2:52 mark of this song, and I rock the shit out of the cowbell. Actually, I'm not 100% sure that it's even a cowbell, it could be any number of percussion pieces I'm unfamiliar with....maybe this is why I'll never get called onstage to play it.


Carly Rae Jepsen- Call Me Maybe




Scene: 2012 College World Series. Sometime in the early evening, after we'd been boozing most of the day. Gangel, Addy, and I are talking to some 21-year-old-girls, friends of Emily's, and it comes up in conversation that I'd never heard 'Call Me Maybe' before, even though it had been taking over the planet for like five months already.  Everyone has a good laugh at my expense.

Cut to 10 minutes later. Everyone is still making fun of me.  OK guys, I get it.

Cut to 5 minutes later. Someone finally produced the song on their phone, and I'm listening to it.

Cut to 3 minutes later. NOW I KNOW WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT.

Cut to 3 days later. I've downloaded the song and listened to it 30 times already.


EPMD- Headbanger
RZA- Grits






I combined these two because I had the same exact thought during the first time I heard each of these songs: Welp, time to update my all-time top 100 rap songs list. (For the record, 'Grits' clocks in at #74, and 'Headbanger' shot all the way up to #49.  I know you totally care.)

I picked up the RZA song when I fell in a Wu-Tang rabbit hole on the internet one day, and I picked up EPMD when I visited Alfonso & Katie in Chicago. This album was playing basically right when I walked in the door, so introductions went something like "Heyyy! Good to see you! Hugs all around, yada yada, meet my friends Jud and CK.....hey, what the hell song is playing right now? It's FANTASTIC!"

Here's why this is one of the (many) reasons I love Katie & Alfonso: They knew they had company coming over, including two people they'd never met before. Perhaps the introductory mood music would be something classy? Maybe some light instrumentals? Fuck no, bitch, we got some EPMD fo' dat ass. Keepin' it real.


Animal Collective- My Girls



For me, Animal Collective is like the music equivalent of the movie Eraserhead, or putting peanut butter on hamburgers.  Super weird, and not usually my style, but I can dig it.


MC5- Kick Out the Jams



Real quick, off the top of my head-- and I'd like to hear your thoughts on this-- the best opening lines to a song in music history:

1. "That's why I fucked yo' bitch, you fat mutha fucka!"
2. "Right now, right now, right now...it's time to.....KICK OUT THE JAMS MOTHER FUCKERS!"
3. "When I met you last night babaaayyyyy....before you opened up yo' gap...."


Pulp- Common People

 


Whenever I listen to Brit pop/rock, it makes me want to smoke a bunch of cigarettes. I can't be alone on this one. Since we're doing quick top 3 lists off the top of our heads here, here's the top 3 activities that make me want to house a carton of smokes:

1.  Watching Mad Men
2.  Listening to dirty British music
3.  Talking to manly men about manly things, while doing manly activities that require the use of both your hands; like complaining about your wife while working on a car engine, so the cigarette has to balance between your lips and it bounces when you talk.  Obviously I don't have much experience with this one, as I never do manly things, but you get the point.

(Side note: I have never been anywhere close to a smoker, but I was usually good for at least a couple Donnies a year, during various social situations wherein I had consumed at least 20 beers and it seemed like the thing to do. But in this week's edition of "Damn, I'm getting older", I have absolutely no recollection of when my last cigarette was. At all. And I remember everything. If I had to venture a guess, I'd say during Christmas Break 2009, the night we stayed out partying until 6am so I got locked out of my parents' house and had to sleep on the Zidon's couch. But I'm really not sure. If anybody can document me smoking a cigarette since that date, please help me out, this has been driving me nuts lately.)


Color Me Badd- All 4 Love



I can't listen to this song without singing along, and I like to think I'm at least a B+ at knocking out all four parts, but I can't be sure. I'm kinda like the Serpico of singing along to pop songs, in that I get in too deep, until I think that I really am one of the members of Color Me Badd or the Jackson 5 or whoever it may be. Teens always enjoys my performances, so I told her I was going to sing this to her at our wedding. Of course this didn't happen, so you could say that this was technically the very first lie of our marriage. Here's to the first of many! Cheers!


AC/DC- If You Want Blood (You Got It)



Like every other 15-year-old white dude on the planet at one point, I owned the AC/DC Live CD, and I loved every song on it. But at the same time, I didn't ever try to listen to any of AC/DC's other songs. I wore that CD out....but I never made a single attempt to expand my library. But ever since then, roughly once a year or so through various avenues, I'll stumble into a new AC/DC song, it invariably rocks my dick off, and I'll kick myself for not having made an attempt to hear it years ago. You keep on rocking to the live version of 'Who Made Who' though, Jum. Keep fighting the good fight.

 
Rose Royce- I Wanna Get Next to You



Lists that this song would make the top 5 of:

- Songs I'd like to make a baby to
- Songs that make me feel like a black guy in his mid-50s
- Songs that make me want to make a baby WITH a black guy in his mid-50s


The Rapture- How Deep is Your Love?



The only thing keeping this from being a great, great song, is the line first heard at the 1:35 mark, and repeated throughout the song.  Tell me you don't think of 'The Thong Song' when you hear that.  "Let me see that thonnnnnngggggg!"  From there, my brain starts thinking about Will Ferrell as Robert Goulet singing Thong Song, and now we're off to the races.  Pretty soon three minutes have gone by, and I haven't been paying attention to the lecture at hand.  Other than that, it's awesome.

Favorite Songs Of 2013

I know I'm a little late on this, seeing as how we're over halfway done with January.  But hey, when you have a chance to blog about things like imaginary grandparents and spitting chew on yourself....well, you can see why this one got pushed back a little bit.  As always, these aren't all songs that were actually released in 2013, they're songs that I heard for the first time in 2013.


Robin Thicke- Blurred Lines



Hey, it doesn't happen often, so you guys gotta give me this one..... I TOTALLY LIKED THIS SONG BEFORE IT WAS POPULAR.


Supernova- Chewbacca Song



From the movie Clerks, the scene where they have the Death Star argument. I bet you can learn all the lyrics to this song really fast. And I swear I would like this song even if it wasn't Star Wars-related. It could be called 'The Grey's Anatomy Song' and I'd still think it sounded kinda badass.


LCD Soundsystem- Dance Yrself Clean



This song is pretty slow for the first couple minutes, but the build-up is so worth the wait once you hit the 3:08 mark.  Fucking A, the switch gets flipped, and this jam gets tremendous and stays tremendous...until it slows down again.  Normally, I love songs that are in the 7-9 minute range, much to the chagrin of every girl I've ever dated. Generally speaking, Teens starts getting bored around the 5 1/2 minute mark (there's DEFINITELY a joke to be made there, but I'll refrain from making it), but I love it when a song really gets out there and explores the studio space for upwards of ten minutes.  My point is that even I think this song doesn't need to be nine minutes long.  Six or so would probably work just fine.  Other than that, fantastic tune.


Fleetwood Mac- I Don't Want to Know



I heard this song during a Saturday Night Live sketch with Paul Rudd about a month ago (if I could find it I'd link it) and we were Soundhounding it immediately.  It's only grown on me since then, and might be my favorite song at the moment.  Such a happy song.  In addition, Kari and I were discussing The Eagles at work the other day, and I was doing the whole Lebowski thing (I just fuckin' hate The Eagles, maaan) and she asked how I can be in love with songs like this by Fleetwood Mac, but still say the The Eagles are lame.  The best I can explain it is that songs like 'I Don't Want to Know' are poppy and/or cheesy enough to be awesome, whereas The Eagles are trying desperately hard to be cool.  This song inadvertently helped me shape my previously unexplainable basis for hating The Eagles.  So thanks for that, Stevie Nicks.


Vampire Weekend- Diane Young



The Ol' Weekend had to have a representative from their new album on here, and this track is my favorite. Show me another lead singer who can pull off the "Baby, baby, baby, baby, right on time" part without making me want to punch him in the face, much less enjoy it.


M83- Raconte-moi une histoire



This song is pure magic. A song that just builds and builds and builds and doesn't...quite....ever....get there. It always leaves me wanting more, in a good way. I love everything about it, including the fact that the only lyrics are little kids basically talking about tripping balls.  It just fits, somehow.

The weird thing about this song for me, personally, is that I heard it for the first time while playing golf on a gorgeous summer day, without a care in the world, and it still hit me in the chest immediately.  It feels like a song that I should've heard for the first time when I was like 19 years old, hammered drunk at the end of a party, sitting on the Culligan roof at 4am, listening to it on repeat, and quietly reflecting on inconsequential relationships, as only a drunk, self-absorbed college kid can. "Damn, this song is beautiful. Why did I ever break up with Amanda again? She was smart, funny, laughed at my jokes....she was perfect for me. AND she made me a better person, that's what was great about her. I'm totally gonna call her tomorrow.  Yeah.....tomorrow."


The Replacements- Can't Hardly Wait



I started really getting into The Replacements last year, after meaning to for a long time.  I never should've put it off.  They're fantastic, especially if you like bands that really sound like they're British, but really are from Minneapolis.  It's a small subset, I know.


Warren Zevon- Keep Me In Your Heart



How I can make Teens cry laughing whenever I want:  Bust out my Warren Zevon impression-- this song in particular. It's probably only about 60% Zevon and 40% Kermit the Frog, which is probably what cracks her up every time. In my mind though, I'm spot on.


Gang Starr- DWYCK



How I can piss Teens off whenever I want:  Reference this song, which stands for Do What You Can, Kid. I haven't really figured out why yet, but I do know that this acronym drives her crazy, so naturally I use it whenever I can.

"Teens, will you make me a couple of turkey sandwiches for lunch tomorrow pleeeease?"

"Yeah I can do that, but we're out of spicy mayo..."

"Oh well.  DWYCK."

"THAT IS SO DUMB!"

"Why, because you hate rap music?  What's that supposed to mean, 'YOU PEOPLE'?  Attica!  Attica!"

"You can go ahead and make your own sandwiches now."


Creedence Clearwater Revival- Long As I Can See the Light



Damn, this is CCR?  The only Creedence songs I've previously been familiar with are the most popular ones, the ones that belong on the soundtrack of a movie depicting Vietnam, like Forrest Gump or something.  If I would've known this song existed before our wedding, I definitely would've incorporated it somehow.  Not that I regret our first dance song as a married couple or anything, but this one could've been good too.


JJ Jackson- But It's Alright



I effing love these kinds of songs, especially when I'm on the treadmill. These Motown-y, 'Girl you done me wrong but you ain't gonna keep me down for long' type of jams.  If you were to do an arc of my music tastes over the decades, I feel like it almost perfectly mirrors a black man born in like 1962.  I think that was supposed to be my true self.  Right now I'd be 52 years old, working as an electrician in Queens, coming home from work, popping open a 40 and rocking the shit out of JJ Jackson.  Probably named Clarence or something. 


Tower of Power- So Very Hard to Go



Things NOT to say when you're on an airplane waiting to take off, talking to your wife with your headphones in, and you have no idea how loud you're actually speaking: "Teens, you should give this a listen. Someday we're going to conceive a child to this song."  Just a lil' something for future reference.

***************

Coming soon, my favorite songs of 2012, because I just realized I never wrote that post last year.  The holidays were busy that year, what with running around New York, defending toy stores from the Sticky Bandits and befriending homeless pigeon ladies and everything.

Can't Nobody Be Bigger Than This Game

Last weekend, Addy, Gangel and Myshawn all trekked down from Minneapolis, Omaha, and Bemidji, respectively, for their first ever trip to the Phog for a KU game.

We had a million laughs over the course of the weekend, including, but not limited to:

- The Jameis Winston interview (If I had a dollar for every time somebody yelled "I said, we said, I said, are you strong?  They said I'm strong if you strong.  I said we STRONG then" or otherwise quoted that rambling interview, then it wouldn't have mattered that Duke couldn't cover the spread for me the other night.)



- Addy playing percussion with a homeless guy on a downtown street corner (I'm not tech savvy enough to load the video from my phone, but the important thing is that it exists)

- The Impossible Dream being realized-- when I had money on the Seahawks -7.5, Addy had the Saints +8.5, and a last-second touchdown set the final margin at 8, perfectly falling into that delightfully creamy section known as The Middle, and resulting in everyone making money together.

However, the bar topic that generated the most spirited discussion stemmed from the question:  If you could choose anybody on Earth (currently living) to be your grandfather, who would it be?  Here's my answer, along with the answers of everyone else we asked last weekend, and my thoughts on their picks.

My pick:  Bill Raftery

My love of Raffy is well-documented.  He's my favorite basketball announcer of all time.  Jud and I re-named Willie's Bar here in Lawrence to Raffy's, because if Raftery would ever come to Lawrence and call a game, we'd take him out to Raffy's at like 2pm on a Wednesday to get smoked with us.  Enjoy a little bit of my grandpappy's work here:

Gangel's pick:  Wilford Brimley
My grade:  B.  Solid choice; it doesn't get much more grandfatherly than Wilford.  Just look at this old bastard:

Myshawn's pick:  Michael Caine
My grade:  A+.  This was my #2 choice after Raffy.  And it would've been Hendo's #1 choice, if he wasn't already off the board.  Basically, people love Michael Caine.  Also, this led to "I've failed you, Master Wayne" impressions for the rest of the night, so obviously that was pretty awesome.  Who doesn't enjoy a good Michael Caine impression?
 

Addy's pick:  Steve Spurrier
My grade:  D-.  Spurrier seems like kind of a dick, and I'm also deducting points from Addy because he had no idea about any of the people we were talking about.  Michael Caine?  Who's that?  Sam Elliott?  Never heard of him.  Wilford Brimley?  Now you're just making up names.

Teens' pick:  Sam Elliott
My grade:  A.  Roadhouse, Tombstone, Big Lebowski.  Is there a better random three-movie sample from any actor in history?  Maybe a list for another day.  Anyway, I was proud of Teens for making this pick, almost as proud as when she correctly named Gin & Juice within the first 1.2 seconds of it coming on the jukebox.  That's my wife, yo.

JDub's pick:  Richard Gere
My grade:  Allow AC Slater to give it on my behalf:



On the flip side of Sam Elliott, I couldn't possibly pick three movies of Gere's that are even halfway watchable.  He used to be married to Cindy Crawford at the height of her powers, so I'mma hate on him for that.  Also, the man very possibly put gerbils up his butt.  I can't have that type of deviancy from my grandpa.

Hendo's pick:  Phil from Duck Dynasty
My grade:  C-.  I generally enjoy Duck Dynasty, especially when there's nothing else on TV, but there's been too much controversy surrounding Phil and his worldviews lately.  I want my grandpa to be universally beloved.

Double D's pick:  Gene Hackman
My grade:  B.  Double D wanted to change his pick immediately after he made it, but I'm OK with the Hackman choice for his role as Royal Tenenbaum alone-- and we haven't even talked about Hoosiers yet.

Erin' pick:  Bill Cosby
My grade:  A-.  I'm not the biggest Bill Cosby fan in the world (the most overused joke on the planet is probably some form of Bill Cosby + Jell-O Puddin' Pops), but Erin's pick was phenomenal simply because even though she was one of the last ones to answer, she was the first one of all of us to think about crossing racial lines.  We were all dumbfounded by the simplicity, and it made me jealous that I didn't think to pick Morgan Freeman.  There's probably a sociology experiment in this question somewhere.

Mikey's pick:  Paul McCartney
My grade:  C-.  I'm pretty lukewarm on The Beatles.  If we're thinking about taking musicians from that era, I'm going with someone a little more badass than Sir Paul.  He always seemed like kind of a Streisand to me.

  

Gardy's pick:  Jimmy Buffett
My grade:  B+.  Out of everyone on this list, Jimmy might be the most fun grandpa to go spend a weekend with, if you happen to be of that persuasion.  I also enjoyed that while most people hemmed and hawed and thought about the question for a while, Gardy has this answer dialed up in less than two seconds.

Ryan's pick:  Pele'
My grade:  B.  It's kind of a shocker that almost nobody chose big-time ex-athletes to be their theoretical grandpas.  Where's Willie Mays?  Muhammad Ali?  Joe Namath?  Jack Nicklaus?  Probably a sociology experiment there too.  So I applaud Ryan's originality in choosing an athlete-- a Brazilian soccer player at that.

So, who would YOUR Grandpa be?

DVJS Gets Married

{Foreword:  We used to wear suits on draft night, pretending to be players who were drafted....now we only bust them out during formal occasions?  Doesn't seem right.}

In 8th grade, I couldn't stand DVJS.  This was entirely due to the fact that we attended different middle schools, and thus, played against each other in sports.  Everything boiled down to the B team basketball championship game that year.  After an undefeated 7th grade year, my South Spartans had scuffled a bit trying to defend the title, and the upstart Schroeder Raiders were poised to seize the trophy.

There had been a fair amount of trash talk during the game-- though I can't recall what, exactly, 8th grade trash talk sounded like.  "You only have like seven armpit hairs!"...."No, YOU only have like seven armpit hairs!"  Schroeder eventually pulled away and blew it open towards the end, and the starters, including myself, were pulled.  (Duh, I was a starter.  No, I couldn't make the A team, but I was a threat at any time to put up a triple double on the B team.  Not necessarily double digits in points, rebounds, and assists....more like points, times adjusting my glasses, and times I glanced into the crowd to see if my crush Jamie was watching me.)

While Easy E, T. Nels, and the rest of us sat on the bench and continued to fume and yell shit at the Schroeder guys, DVJS went to the line for a couple of free throws.  During the second one, he looked over at our bench, closed his eyes, and calmly swished the free throw.  This wasn't a good-natured situation, like the Michael Jordan/Dikembe Mutombo eyes-closed free throw.  This was a giant middle finger to all of us sitting on the bench.  From that moment on, his name was poison.  A mild dislike became an intense hatred, until roughly a year later.  After we ended up at the same high school, the South/Schroeder rivalry melted away, and as our friend groups slowly meshed, we found we had a lot of stuff in common-- basketball, video games, professional wrestling, etc.  Soon, he was one of my closest friends.

Fast forward to today.  We both moved to Lawrence, Kansas at the same time, and still play City League basketball together (16 years as teammates now, and Stockton and Malone did 18.  I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.)  He's still one of my closest friends.  I watched him get married to a wonderful gal (who makes wonderful NBA Draft cupcakes) last weekend, and while watching the ceremony, I chuckled to myself.  If you would've told me 17 years ago that I'd be this close of friends with DVJS, I could never have imagined it.  But if you were to tell me today to imagine the last 17 years without him, I don't think I could imagine that either.

The moral of the story:  If somebody makes an eyes-closed free throw against you during a blowout championship game victory, don't immediately write that person off as a bad human being.  There's a thin line between love and hate.

Congrats DVJS and Hannah, and shout-out to Wads, Ron, Nick, Liza, Maxi, etc., etc.  Great to see all of you after so many years.

Grand Theft Chewing

The other night I was enjoying a chew and "cruising the streets", aka aimlessly playing Grand Theft Auto, not even attempting any missions, just roaming around, creating death and destruction, showing a wanton disregard for human life.  After stealing a car and mowing down a few dozen pedestrians, beating up a cop and stealing his gun and car, I was careening through the streets on my way to the airport, so I could take the police chase to the runways.  Dodging incoming and outgoing planes while on the run from the law just adds a little extra spice to your life, you know?

I was particularly fired up during this particular rampage against the citizens and law enforcement of Liberty City, and in my excitement, I neglected to realize that the cap was still on my spitter.  My spit ricocheted off the bottle, all over my shirt, controller, the carpet around me....just chew spit.  Everywhere.  I paused the game and thought about how this shouldn't be a problem that a 31-year-old has to deal with....then I shrugged, un-paused the game, and ramped my car into the adjacent ocean, bringing four police cars with me.  Because we all know that nobody leaves the airport alive.

So that was my Friday night.  How was yours?

My Review Of Anchorman 2, In Three Words Or Less

Not completely horrible.

The Flip Side

As I hoped, Teens got to experience a true North Dakota Christmas.  There were sub-zero temperatures, snow piled everywhere, and we even had to cancel the Mostly Annual Kickball Game in the Walsh Quad due to the weather.

However, she also got to see the underbelly of the North Dakota bar scene and the downfall to having to start your car and let it run before you drive it.  She got to experience, first-hand, the scenario where a cross-eyed drunk ex-hockey player from the rival high school repeatedly gropes you before finally getting chased off.

I got to experience the scenario where I start my car at the end of the night to let it warm up, leave it unlocked outside the bar, and come back 10 minutes later to find the same shithead who was just molesting my wife in Bonzer's fast asleep in the driver's seat.

Gotta love Christmas back home.

Buzz, Your Girlfriend! Woof!

 So last week I was playing around with Google Earth, and wanted to look at the McCallister's house from Home Alone.  (Don't judge me for creeping around Google Street View.  We all spend our lunch breaks in different ways.)

What I saw was unsettling.

You can clearly see, in the next-door neighbor's driveway, the old van used by Harry and Marv to case the neighborhood.

THE WET/STICKY BANDITS ARE BACK!  MCCALLISTERS, DON'T LEAVE KEVIN HOME ALONE THIS CHRISTMAS!  LEARN FROM PAST MISTAKES! 

If it's already too late, Kevin, make sure you bust out your Michael Jordan cardboard cutout and throw a fake party tonight.  And stop fucking with the Little Nero's Pizza boy, he's just doing his job.

Anyway, Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals.

What's Cooler Than Being Cool?

I used to be a tough North Dakotan, as far as weather was concerned.  To be clear, 'weather' is the only North Dakota category I can be considered anywhere close to tough in.  Hunting?  I'll let you spend hours stalking, slaughtering, and mutilating a helpless animal until you've transformed it from a peaceful living creature into Tuesday night dinner.  Give me a call when it's cooked and sitting on a dinner plate, preferably with a baked potato and a side of corn.  Fishing?  No, I don't really want to bait my own hook....but I bet I can drink 17 beers on the boat before you guys fill up the livewell.  Snowmobiling?  I tried that a couple times in middle school.  Almost crashed into a barbwire fence and ultimately got stuck in a pit, then got yelled at by the Culligan Man for being reckless.  So I'm all set there.  I like your Arctic Cat jacket though.  It's very neon.  Cold weather, though?  I could handle that.  No, I'm not cold, you pussy.  Here, take my gloves, I don't even need them right now.  Hands were getting sweaty anyway.

But I've been gone for over six years now, and the last couple years, my body finally acclimated to the warmer Kansas weather.  Christmases up north are now almost intolerably cold for me.  In addition, I completely lost my ability to dress responsibly according to the weather conditions.  Last year, during the 12th Mostly Annual Walsh Quad Kickball Game, it was below zero, and I figured I'd be OK in a track jacket, MC Hammer pants, ankle socks, and tennis shoes, "Since we'd be running around and stuff."  When I saw people showing up in full body snowsuits, face masks and boots, I knew I was in trouble.  Plus, I thought it was a good idea to drink a 40oz. outside in those temperatures, so I ended up leaving half of the skin in my mouth area stuck to the bottle that night.  A man can't even enjoy his malt liquor in peace?  I honestly can't understand why that region of the country is inhabited with human beings.  Basically, at this point in my life, every time I get ready to drive up for Christmas, I hope for the warmest temperatures possible, as my ability to accept shitty weather with a shrug and a grim smile is gone.  

But not this year.

Before we started dating, Teens had never even set foot north of Omaha.  She's been to North Dakota on a couple of occasions since then, but never during winter.  So I want her to see what it's really about.  I want it to be cold.  I want it to be freeeeeezing.  I want to make her go start the car and scrape windows in the morning.  I want her to go to the gas station, and scurry back inside the car while the gas is pumping, because you can't stand to be outside for even a couple minutes.  I want her to run from a parking lot to a building because she can't stand walking in the cold, while I crack jokes like "You know, it's not really the heat, it's the humidity that'll get ya."  I want her to pull a 'Jenna', also known as getting hammered, then coming home and crying in the middle of the night in bed because it's so cold.  (Although, to be fair, that incident occurred at Culligan Manor, where the walls were made of paper mache, and we had competitions with friends in other apartment buildings on how deep we could get into winter without turning the heat on.)  I want all of it.

So bring on the cold, Weather Gods.  Do this for me, and I promise, I won't drink any more 40's in the Walsh Quad, ever again. 

(That's a lie, Weather Gods.  Just hook me up anyway.)

That Awkward Moment....

....When you realize that starting sentences out with "That awkward moment" and then going on to describe an unfunny everyday situation is really annoying and you should probably stop doing it.

Broke Into The Old Laptop....This Is Where We Used To Live

Besides my currently functioning laptop, I have an old Gateway laptop that was my high school graduation present from my parents.  If I had to give an approximate breakdown of its lifetime usage, it would be:

10%-  Writing papers & speeches about the '92 Dream Team and/or Tupac faking his own death

10%-  Sending 5,000-word emails full of mostly bullshit to keep Easy E, ADawg, and their squad entertained while they were in Iraq

80%-  Downloading music 

The vast majority of my songs on this laptop were downloaded freshman year of college, back in the days when you'd queue up about 30 songs to download before you went to bed, then wake up in the morning to a brand new cache of hot jams, for free!  All you kids out there legitimately purchasing your music on iTunes nowadays, don't get it twisted-- illegally pirating music was fucking awesome.

This old laptop has been dying for a few years now.  Even when it's plugged in, I can only get it to turn on every few months or so, and it only stays on for about 15 minutes, during which I make a mad dash to scroll through my old Morpheus/Kazaa/Limewire to steal as many songs as I can before the computer quits.  During my latest run-through, I was taken aback at how much shitty music I had on there.

Before we go over some of my favorite finds, a disclaimer:  Some of the rubbish can be explained by the fact that everyone always downloaded songs on each other's computers during dorm room parties....kinda like STD's for a laptop.  So I'm sure I only downloaded most, not all, of the following examples-- but the fact remains, they're still on my computer.  So at the very least, I didn't go and buy the MP3 version of the special shampoo for crabs, for which I need to take some blame. ANYWAY....


- My collection of Nelly songs- Country Grammar, Batter Up, Hot in Herre, #1, etc.



(Don't worry, this is the SFW version, not because I care about curse words in your place of employment, but because I want you to hear one of my favorite radio edits of all time, right in the opening three seconds.  HOTDISH!)

Nelly didn't age well for me personally, as I made my transition to hip-hop snob (we'll get to that later.) When it comes to "Party" rap, which sets up an entirely different evening than Gangsta Rap, I'm not sure why I gave Ludacris a pass, but started referring to Nelly as a little bitch (nevermind, I remember why.) Regardless, I hadn't listened to Nelly in years, and some of songs were pretty sweet upon re-listening. Country Grammar is just a straight-up fantastic Party Rap song. And thanks to Nelly, I wore a band-aid on my cheek on more than one occasion for Halloween.  So there's that.


- Debbie Does Dallas theme song



We went through a phase freshman year during which we would download songs from some of our favorite pornos.  I blame Lane and his roommate, the incomparable Logan Stoner.**  To this day I still think this song is baller, even when you're not watching Bambi Woods get railed in a sporting goods store. I was listening to this song the other day while I was shaving, Teens heard it from the other room, and we had this exchange:

Teens: What is this?

Me: The theme song from Debbie Does Dallas...

Teens, deadpan: What.

Me: Pretty cool bass line, isn't it?

~ Teens walks away ~

Me: Hey, you could've said no when I proposed!  This is your life now!


**Normally I don't use real first and last names on the blog so you can't get put on blast by Google, but I want Logan to google his own name, read this, and somehow have it lead to him hanging out with us again.  What a tremendous random roommate he turned out to be for Lane.  I lived with Paul in the dorms, so we knew it would be awesome, not to mention homoerotic. We took the element of chance out of the equation; signing up for a random roommate was a risk we didn't want to take. Sometimes it didn't work out, like when Russell got the kid with three first names that studied all the time and sneered at us every time we tried to get him to put down the books and come party with us, but sometimes.... sometimes you got lucky like Lane and drew a magnificent bastard like Logan Stoner. Holler at me, Logan.


- Prozzak- www.nevergetoveryou



Presented without comment.


- Pink- Get The Party Started



A girl that I had a crush on at various points in college LOVED this song when I was a frosh and she was a sophomore, ipso facto, I loved it too.  Paging Dr. Ikes.  Dr. Yee Ikes, you have a telephone call up front.


- R. Kelly- 'Ignition'



Somewhere along the way, I turned into a hip-hop snob. It's important for me to stumble across songs like this one, or 'The Thong Song', or anything by Ja Rule, and remember that I wasn't nearly as cool as I later portrayed myself to be when arguing about the state of rap music.  On the other hand....


- Lil Bow Wow- Bounce With Me



....If I was always cool, I might not have songs as delightfully brutal as this one.


- John Mayer- Your Body is a Wonderland



One of my least favorite songs of all time.  I hate John Mayer with a burning passion.  I don't even care that he was on Chappelle's Show once, fuck that guy.  However, this song did give our friend group a great running joke for a few months:

 "James, grab me a beer while you're up!"

"I'd be happy to, Fundy.  I mean, your body IS a wonderland and all."

or

"Ike, we're not ordering Chinese, you know I hate that shit.  Let's get pizza."

"Quit being such a pussy all the time and just eat Chinese for once."

"Screw you, I just hate Chinese food, it's the one thing I won't eat!"

"Hey, can I tell you something right now without you getting angry at me?"

"WHAT!"

"Your body....it's a wonderland."


- Brutal Songs, HOT GIRL DIVISION:



Kylie Minogue- Can't Get You Out of My Head
Nelly Furtado- I'm Like a Bird
Shakira- Whenever, Wherever 

Goodness gracious, I hadn't thought about Shakira in a while.  Do you guys remember when she was gloriously released to the world?  My wet dreams do.


- Man, I Loved Ruining Songs For People Sometimes (And Still Do)

Fuel- Hemorrhage (In My Hands)



I think this song sucked, but a lot of people loved it. I have very fond memories of singing this chorus as loud as I possibly could, not knowing the words and not caring, and annoying the crap out of people. If you made a list of activities that I enjoyed the most in calendar year 2002, and I'm kinda spitballing here, it would probably look something like this:

1. Getting drunk
2. Getting laid
3. Playing Madden
4. Ruining that stupid Fuel song while my friends are trying to enjoy it
5. Arts & Crafts

"LEE LA BLEE DA IN MY HANDS! IN MY HANDS AGAINNNNNN! LEEEEE LA BLEEEE DAAAAA IN MY HANDS!" Classic.


- Songs That I Have Ripped On For Over a Decade, Only To Just Now Realize That They've Been On My Computer This Entire Time:

Crazy Town- Butterfly



Nickelback- How You Remind Me



Creed- Higher





If my old laptop never turns on again, at least he gave me one last gift. Sleep well, sweet prince.

Et tu, Jacoby?

So Jacoby Ellsbury signed with the Yankees.

Don't worry, don't worry.  I'm not gonna do....what you all think I'm gonna do....which is just FLIP OUT!

This isn't another Johnny Damon situation.  Really, the only similarity is that a center fielder who most of the female fan base wants to bang (and a portion of the male fan base, whether they admit it or not, and I will freely admit it) signed a free agent contract with the Yankees.  The reason Damon's signing was so tragic is that he portrayed himself to be Red Sox to his core, and stated on multiple occasions that he'd never sign with the Yankees, then did it anyway.  Ellsbury made it clear from the beginning that he was going to the highest bidder, and had a strained relationship with the Boston front office for years now anyway.  I've been prepared for Ellsbury to move on since about May of 2012; it was pretty much inevitable.  Even more so once it became clear that my boy Jackie Bradley Jr. was waiting in the wings.

So really, the only bummer is that he had to sign with the friggin' Yankees.  Why couldn't the Mariners or Rangers or somebody come up with the cash this one time?  (Side note:  The one good thing about the Yankees signing Ellsbury is that I think they wayyyy overpaid for him; his main asset is speed, and he's now on the wrong side of 30.  He'll probably hit a few more homers with New York's short porch in right, but this contract could still look more than a little Carl Crawford-ish in a few years.  Not that that matters with the Yankees' "budget.") 

When an ex-Red Sox signs with any other team besides New York, it's much easier to tip your cap and remember the good times as they walk out the door.  (Good luck with the Marlins, Salty.  Probably shouldn't have tried this throw, but hey, whatever.  Champs, dude!)  But now, despite Ells being a huge part of two World Series Championships-- not to mention providing all of America with a free taco by stealing a base in the 2007 World Series-- every time I see him in pinstripes from now on, there will be at least 40% of me thinking "Man, fuck that guy."

The lesson here, of course, is to stop having man-crushes on Red Sox center fielders.  I promise that will never happen again. 

Dammit!  Too late.  Promise me you'll never leave me, JBJ.  PROMISE ME.

Made With Bits Of Real Panther, So You Know It's Good

The person delivering this newscast is one of my best friends. No, not Ron Burgundy, the other one.





I don't even know how many times Amber and I watched Anchorman together back in the day-- I do know that the only person I watched it with more than her is Paul (obvs.) When we heard there was going to be a sequel, we discussed the logistics of going to the movie at the exact same time, three states apart, and putting each other on speakerphone and watching the movie "together." If you would have told me back in 2005 that someday I would watch Amber and Will Ferrell deliver the news together, my head would've exploded. (Actually, that's not true. If you would've told me this story back at that exact time in my life, when all I did was speak in Anchorman catchphrases, I would've paused, put on my best Ron Burgundy voice, smirked, and said "I don't believe you."  And if you assured me it was true, THEN maybe my head would've exploded.) I'm still struggling to comprehend that this actually happened to one of my friends, to be honest.

I've been struggling to come up with what the comparable scenario would be in my own life. I play a round of golf with Phil Mickelson and it's televised? Bill Self decides to start me at small forward in KU's next game?  I do a cameo on The Wire?  The kicker is that this is Amber's job, and she was still expected to deliver the news. So maybe the best comparison would be me working on amortization schedules along with Tiffani Thiessen in character as Kelly Kapowski, or maybe presenting budget projections for the spring semester while Dave Chappelle cracks jokes in my ear. I don't know how Amber kept it (relatively) together, so a tip of the hat to her on that one.

Great news story. Compelling and rich.

Thankful, But Kinda Not Effing Really

 Right now, what I am most thankful for is how crappy the AFC is this year.  Its ineptitude is currently allowing the Titans to be relevant in the playoff picture, despite a 5-6 record and a generally crappy level of performance.  More than relevant, really; if the season were to end today, they'd actually somehow be the 6 seed.

(Since this is the season of thankfulness, what I won't mention is the Titans' failure to either dramatically improve or properly bottom out, and that they're going to finish the season with somewhere between 6-9 wins for the 5th straight season.  Wake me up when we can draft Jameis Winston....he could be the next Vince Young!)

Everybody Get Up, It's Time To Slam Now, We Got A Real Jam Goin' Down

Coincidentally, another perfect example of feeling older occurred shortly after I wrote that post last week. Some construction went awry on campus, and our building lost all internet and phone capabilities, as well as access to our accounting files. As a result, work was pretty much impossible to accomplish, and most of us went home early on both Thursday and Friday. And the weird thing is that my first reaction to all of this wasn't exultation, or even mild excitement. It was more "Dammit! I have a ton of stuff to get done right now, plus we have a short week with Thanksgiving next week! What about the budget projections for December?  Those grant reports aren't going to prepare themselves!  This is a travesty!" Realizing I had such dedication to my job in a time of near-crisis was alarming.

I mean, yeah, I still went home on Thursday, destroyed an entire six-pack-and a pound from Taco John's, and had a David Lynch movie marathon....and on Friday I popped in Space Jam, played a few rounds of Golden Tee, and started drinking 40's four hours before anyone was scheduled to come over that night....but still, I wasn't as happy about it as I would've been five years ago.

"Looking Old, Billy Ray!" "Feeling Old, Louis!"

As is the case from time to time, little things from everyday life have been making me feel old lately. Three examples from the last couple of days:

- Josh Hutcherson and Haim are the host and musical guest, respectively, of Saturday Night Live this week. I have absolutely no idea who those people are. Actually, I probably shouldn't even assume who the host is and who the musical guest is, since I don't know for sure. Maybe Haim just goes by one name, like Pele, or Leon, or Aristotle. Corey Haim is dead, right?  So it can't be him.

- I've recently noticed that college kids are regularly peeing at urinals with their phone in their other hand. Do you seriously have to stay "plugged in" even while you're pissing? Are you snapchatting right now? Are you instagramming your dick in a public restroom? What is so important on Twitter that you're reading it right this second? Put your phone away, or I'm going to stop trying to write my name in cursive on this urinal wall and I'm gonna turn and pee on you like I'm R. Kelly and you're an underage girl. Friggin' kids. TURN DOWN YOUR MUSIC!!! GET OFF MY LAWN!!!

- I turn 31 in less than two weeks. This last year was bad enough, telling people that I was 30, but now I'm officially IN MY THIRTIES. Also, if you buy into that formula that supposedly draws the line of age inappropriateness in a significant other (your age divided by 2, plus 7) then that means that anybody 22.5 years old or younger is now off the table for me.  Which is a problem, since Shawn Johnson doesn't turn 22 for another month or so.  At least the older Dunphy sister on Modern Family just turned 23. Still a chance.

(I suppose it could be worse; I could be R. Kelly.)

Key & Peele Tipping Point

Time for another linkfest, in my never-ending quest to make everyone in the world have the same sense of humor as me.

Something like a year ago, I watched an episode of Key & Peele and it kinda sucked.  I wasn't really in the market for a new show anyway, so I only gave it one chance, then washed my hands of it.  To paraphrase Tommy Boy with the chicken wings and the Meat Lover's Pizza:  If Key & Peele isn't any good, so what?  I still got my Chappelle's Show DVDs over there on the DVD rack.  But over the last few months, I kept stumbling into individual sketches, and every one cracked me up.  First it was this one....





Then during the shitshow Minneapolis trip, Morley played us this one, which is more or less the same joke, but still funny as hell....




Random coincidences brought me to these two....






And then a couple days ago I discovered my first valet sketch, which quickly became my favorite of all of them.  The tipping point was hit; I'd officially seen enough funny sketches to give this show another chance. Now the floodgates have been opened, and I'm DVRing new episodes and spending entire lunch breaks crushing youtube clips of these fools.  Go watch this show.

Comedy Central

And if you don't want to watch the show, do me one favor and watch at least one of the valet sketches. It's like watching a conversation between myself and JDub when we're both excited about something, only Key and Peele are about 10 times funnier, and aren't a couple of white boys trying to act black. I'm gonna fire up a Kickstarter campaign to raise funds to make a full-length movie of those valet characters. Inquire within if you're interested in donating.

There's like 20 more sketches I want to link here, but instead I'll let you guys fall down the rabbit hole yourselves, then maybe we can have inside jokes together, bup bup bup bup.

Movie Couples, After The Movie

When we watch movies, we constantly see people magically find each other and fall in love. Sometimes we see just the first kiss, sometimes we see the first date, sometimes we see the wedding. But what we never see is what happens to these couples once they settle into real life. The divorce rate in the United States is approximately 45%, to say nothing of relationships that don't even make it to marriage. Here's what I think went down after the cameras stopped rolling....

(Also, hat tip to Double D, who suggested a list of movies that I should write about. His innocent question "Hey, what do you think ever happened to Gordon Bombay and Charlie Conway's mom?" got the ball rolling.)


The Mighty Ducks- Gordon Bombay & Casey Conway

I couldn't find a single picture of the two of them together, which is weird, but at least I found the perfect encapsulation of the "These fucking guys, am I right?" face.

Let's take a quick look at Gordon Bombay's track record: He starts out a humble junior hockey star, but quits hockey when his dad passes away. He grows up to be a bigshot lawyer, turns into a total prick who brags about his undefeated record in court (the fuck does that even mean, anyway?) and has a limousine with a license plate that reads "JUSTWIN." He gets a DUI while celebrating how awesome he is, gets community service, and coaches a ragtag bunch of misfits (and my boy Adam Banks, nothing ragtag about him) to a city championship. He promises the team he'll be back to coach them next year, but instead big-times them and chases a pro hockey career, wrecks his knee, gets depressed, and comes back to Minneapolis. Once again, he catches a break and becomes coach of USA Hockey for the Junior Goodwill Games, but sells out to the sponsors, starts slicking his hair and dressing like he's Pat Riley, starts chasing girls, ignores the team, and generally acts like a dick again. He finally redeems himself-- just in time to win the gold medal, of course. (I'm not going to reference the third movie because it's mostly terrible and I don't remember much of it.)

Really, Gordon's life is just a series of highs, during which he completely "loses himself", followed by lows, during which he finds himself humbled enough to turn into a good guy....until he finds himself on the upswing and starts acting like a jerk again. The question needs to be asked: When Gordon Bombay "rediscovers" himself, to what personality are we referring? To me, I'd say that his true self is the asshole, and the exceptions are when he hits rock bottom and becomes a "good" guy, not vice versa.

So back to Gordon and Ms. Conway. After a series of break-ups and make-ups (oh, you thought she forgot about Iceland's assistant coach and Team USA's tutor from the Goodwill Games?) the happy couple moves in together and settles down. Only this time, Ms. Conway, the single mother who has been working in a diner to make ends meet while her boyfriend travels the country, gets her chance to walk all over Gordon when her son Charlie is discovered by Hollywood and goes on to star in Dawson's Creek.

Suddenly finding herself courted by rich Hollywood men, Ms. Conway drops Gordon like she should've years ago. Gordon goes into a tailspin and picks up another DUI. Only this time, instead of receiving a cushy community service gig like coaching pee-wee hockey again, he gets disbarred and picks up a 4-6 month stint at MCF-Shakopee. While locked up, he becomes Cell Block 3's bottom dollar bitch, and the inmates take great pleasure in forcing him to make duck noises while they sodomize him. Yes sir, Mr. Ducksworth! Thank you very much, Mr. Ducksworth! Quack quack quack quack quack, Mr. Ducksworth!


Top Gun- Maverick & Charlie

Let's review some observations about Maverick, his lifestyle, and surrounding factors:

1. He enjoys skins vs. skins beach volleyball games.

2. He frequently participates in "arguments" with other men that occur a) in locker rooms, b) with faces two inches apart from each other, and/or c) while wearing only towels.

3. Charlie is NOT attractive. Not even a little. She also dresses up like a man to seduce Maverick in an elevator.

4. Let's not gloss over the fact that her name is Charlie.

5. There are a ton of ass references throughout the movie..."Watch your tail"..."Cover your rear"...even "I want butts!"

6. Yeah, Mav sings 'You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling' in a bar to get in with Charlie, but are we sure that wasn't just an excuse to have a homoerotic sing-along in a hot, sweaty bar with a bunch of dudes in uniform?

(I'm intentionally not mentioning Maverick's relationship with Goose, since they're only about 60% as gay together as Paul and I are in real life, so that would be the pot calling the kettle a homo.)

All right, so we can all agree that Charlie is just a beard for 'Mav' (gay stripper name?), right? The only question is how long he can keep up the facade. During their relationship and eventual marriage, there have been a few nagging doubts on Charlie's mind. Maverick always seems to have a lot of "awesome" locker room stories that he brings home and shares, when, in actuality, they aren't that funny. There have also been a couple of role play scenarios that Charlie would rather not discuss-- Maverick's ideas, of course. But ultimately, nothing that can't be explained away.

But then, about 18 months into the marriage, there's an incident in a bar where Maverick slips his phone number to a guy when he thinks Ol' Chuck is in the bathroom. When she confronts him on it, he passes it off as just making a new buddy who also happens to enjoy Kenny Loggins songs and dramatic motorcycle rides at sunset.

After another year of this behavior, fearing the worst, Charlie goes home to visit her parents, hoping for some reassurance from her mother. Instead, Mama McGillis agrees and says she has thought Maverick was gay all along. Terrified for her marriage, Charlie takes an early flight home. She busts in the door, ready for a 'Come to Jesus' meeting with Maverick....when she finds him in bed with Iceman. They were doing a great job of covering each other's tail.



Speed- (Also known as 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down)- Jack & Annie

(Sorry, I know that link doesn't fit the theme of this post, I just really wanted to shoehorn in one of my all-time favorite Homer Simpson jokes.)

Here's the problem with Keanu and Sandra's relationship, and they even say it themselves in the movie: "Relationships that start under intense circumstances don't last." Maybe it's because YOU DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER. You met earlier this morning, and you've literally spent the entire day driving around on a bus rigged to the gills with explosives, your lives completely dependent upon a speedometer. Listen, Jack, for all you know, Annie never moved out of her parents' house, still wears My Little Pony pajamas, and all six of her cats are named after the dwarves from Snow White. (There used to be seven, but Sneezy got hit by a car last year. Annie still cries about it from time to time.) Bro, you're allergic to cats. And Annie, what do you really know about Jack? Maybe he's only into S&M, constantly trolls Craigslist for casual encounters, and currently has a restraining order on him from his last relationship?

And you know that their friends wouldn't approve. It would start innocently enough, maybe during a guy's night out, and a couple of Jack's friends start busting balls: "Yeah, Annie might be hot, Jack, but at least I don't need to take advantage of a traumatized hostage survivor to get laid...." But that one comment starts gnawing away at Jack, and pretty soon he starts resenting Annie for it. Pretty soon, happy hours turn into all-night drinking binges, as Jack broods over the mess he got himself in.

And what happens when Jack (who, don't forget, still works at a crazy intense job that requires long hours and constantly keeps him away from home) saves the life of some good-looking piece a couple months later? Annie knows that's exactly how their relationship started, and this new girl has a bigger chest (a sensitive subject for Annie, always has been) so she'd immediately get jealous and suspect that Jack was banging his new damsel-in-distress too. And of course her girlfriends support that suspicion and fuel the fire, as most girlfriends are wont to do.

Everything escalates from there, and during one particularly nasty fight ("Why don't you just go to your big-breasted WHORE! I saw how you were looking at her on the news!"...."She's not a whore, I told you, she's just stripping to pay for grad school! But now that you mention it, you know what? I HAVE been lying: your boobs ARE too small!") the relationship does what they miraculously managed to prevent the bus from doing: blow up in their faces.


50 First Dates- Henry & Lucy

Oh, this relationship is rich. Lemme get this straight: The girl wakes up every morning in a heavy state of confusion; she doesn't know what day it is, where she is, or who you are. You have to convince her that it's OK that she's in bed with you. There will definitely be some crying, probably a phone call to her father, and possibly some throwing up. Most of the day is spent recovering, and then mayyyybe she's good to go by late afternoon or early evening. The next morning, it happens all over again.

So what you're telling me is that basically, Adam Sandler is going to have to deal with the morning-after version of the drunkest girl at the bar, every single day, for the rest of his life? Without getting any of the drunken benefits? I give this marriage a month, tops. There isn't a judge in the world that would deny Henry an annulment.


Little Mermaid- Prince Eric & Ariel

We have a woman with a horribly skewed view of what love is supposed to be like; a prince who has spent his entire life chasing his dreams while girls chased after him; and a father-in-law who happens to be the Lord of the Ocean or some shit, who wields an all-powerful trident that can basically cause any sort of destruction he wants. This thing.....is gonna end violently.

As soon as the honeymoon phase wears off, Ariel starts thinking about how she gave up her entire life to be with him. Disillusionment soon follows, and ordinary husband-and-wife conversation turns ugly quick. "Why yes, of course I don't mind taking out the trash, why would I? It's not like I already gave up my home, all my friends and family- not to mention my tail and ability to breathe underwater- in order to be with you or anything. Why not give up my self-respect too? No, no, don't get up, relax and watch the game."
Prince Eric, who, as we mentioned, has spent his entire life having his every whim fancied and his every desire fulfilled, is far too self-involved to have any idea how to be an attentive husband. While he's off sailing the seas, looking for his next adventure, Ariel is back home, developing an impressive drinking problem, dressing increasingly sluttier, and trying to seduce the hired help every chance she gets.

Eric comes home from his latest conquest, only to discover Ariel, drunk, topless, wearing mermaid bottoms, and slurring at the gardeners, "You know you want to look! Don't you think I'm pretty? This is what my legs used to look like! My husband doesn't even know my real legs, but now you do!!" An unsuccessful rehab stint follows, and a detached Eric finally files for divorce. Ariel runs to daddy, and a furious King Triton returns to land and wreaks havoc on the palace grounds. In his fury, he loses control, and his hurricane destroys the palace, inadvertent flying shrapnel killing Prince Eric on the spot.

Guilt-stricken, and with no way to return to her life under the sea, Ariel becomes a street urchin. She currently lives under a bridge and spends most of her day rolling around in the shallow water, and for a few dollars or just a warm meal, she'll dance for you while singing 'Part of Your World.' Don't get too close, though; her mermaid costume smells like piss.

***************

Suggestions for a possible Volume 2 are encouraged.

60% Of The Time, It Works Every Time

Up until now, on a scale of 1-10, I have not been very excited for the the Anchorman sequel. Because the first movie was sooooo hilarious, sooooo awesome, sooooo I know I throw this term around pretty loosely but in this case it's accurate: life-altering....I kinda didn't want them to ever make a sequel. Especially not nine years after the first one. There's nowhere to go but down. (Although it could be worse; they could be taking the other personality-shaping comedy of my life and making a sequel 20 YEARS LATER. Oh wait.)

When we were in college, a lot of my friends liked to get sauced before going to a movie-- or if there wasn't enough time beforehand, they liked to smuggle booze into the theater, relax in their seat, and tie one on, giggling and rolling their empty bottles under the seats the whole time. I was never a fan of this sort of chicanery. Don't get me wrong, I love to watch movies while drinking, but only in the comfort of somebody's home, during a pre-gaming or post-gaming session, and only movies that we've already seen approximately 20 times, so we can crack jokes and rip on it the whole time and not feel bad. I've always said that if you never went home to your college apartment with your roommates after a long night of drinking, thrown in the Old School DVD, and awoken the next morning on the couch, with your beer 98% full, your phone in your hand (flip-screen still open to a never-sent text message), and the DVD menu screen BLARING....then in my opinion, you never truly went to college in the first place.

So, I don't like to be drunk the first time I see a movie. Embarking on a cinematic adventure for the first time is excitement enough without chemical stimulants. Also, I hate not being able to figure out if I truly like a movie, or if it was a result of booze. For example, the first time I watched The Other Guys, Gangel and I were pretty banged up, and we laughed our asses off. I barely remembered it, so I bought the DVD, re-watched it with Paul.....but then we started pre-gaming during the movie, so I still have no idea if my laughter was genuine or not. Totally annoying. (I do remember that this scene is hilarious, though. Anything that lets me and my friends yell "CHRISTINITH!!!" at my wife is OK by me. Who wants some Arnie Palmies? Classic.)

Having said all that, I was planning on getting a lil' drunk before going to see Anchorman 2 in the theater in a couple months. There's really no downside. If the movie is only mildly funny, the booze will make us enjoy it more. If the movie is truly funny, we'll be rolling in our seats, and walking out of the theater high-fiving and hoping the third movie was already in production. If the movie sucks like I expect it to, the booze would soften the blow. Everyone goes home happy. Bing bang boom.

But now that I've seen this latest preview, I'm cautiously optimistic. I laughed quite a bit; maybe this movie won't be so bad. Maybe it will end up being a worthy sequel.

Still probably gonna get housed in the theater though.

Looking Back, Looking Forward

So the Red Sox hung another banner, capping off an unbelievable year. And KU basketball is underway, with the best recruit in arguably a decade, about to embark on an unbelievable year. It's a lot easier to flip the switch when your favorite baseball team is eliminated from the race in early September. I feel like I've barely had a chance to get properly fired up for this upcoming basketball season. I'll admit, it's a pretty awesome problem to have.

Let's bridge the gap between my two favorite teams in sports:


Things I'll miss the most about the baseball season ending:

5. Complaining about the Red Sox in general. Maybe "complaining" isn't the best choice of words, but all I know is that the Sox have now won three titles in ten years. The collapse of 2011 has now been erased. Basically, even if they never win another World Series for the rest of my life, I've still been spoiled. So whatever happens from here on out, my life as a baseball fan has already been a success.

4. Tim McCarver. TIM MCCARVER MADE THIS LIST! I'm as surprised as you. I've spent years hating him; basically once I was old enough to understand the game, I realized he was mostly an idiot. You could argue that no announcer in any sport is just flat-out wrong more often than he is. And yet....watching the montage at the end of the telecast, realizing I'll never hear him again...I felt a little bummed. I mean, I've never watched a World Series in my life that wasn't announced by that old bastard. And I'm nothing if not nostalgic.

3. The daily grind of scoreboard watching; obsessing over standings ("Well, we play our next nine on the road, and Tampa has an easy stretch, if we can still be up at least 1.5 games by the end of July, I'll take that in a second"); and fretting over statistics, both basic and sabermetric ("Yeah, Salty is hot lately, but his BABIP is sky-high, he's due for some serious regression soon.") It's weird when you obsess over little things all year long, and then the playoffs come around, and then the World Series, and all of a sudden everything else goes out the window and it boils down to "If we just win this game tonight, right here in front of us, we win the whole damn thing." It's bizarre.

I suppose I'll take a couple weeks off, then start obsessing over free agents and whatnot ("We'll offer Ellsbury something like 6 years, $90 million, they'll turn it down, we'll maybe go a little higher, but then Seattle will swoop in and offer him like $120 million, and that will be that.") Speaking of.....

2. The guys who probably won't be back next year. Ellsbury and Stephen Drew are the two main guys I don't expect to see in a Red Sox uniform ever again, which is unfortunate for Teens, since those are her two main crushes. So I suppose I'll grow to miss her inappropriate comments too. Stuff like "Jacoby should've tried to stretch that into a double right there! Maybe if he slides into second base his pants will accidentally fall off."

1. The beards, attitudes, and character of this team. Nothing will ever touch 2004, but I did definitely enjoy this championship more than 2007. Despite not having a "boy" on this team, this was just a really fun, really enjoyable group of dudes to cheer for (I suppose my favorite player is Dustin Pedroia or Jonny Gomes, but I liked Manny, Johnny Damon, and even Kevin Millar in 2004 more than I currently like anyone on this team.) Like I said before the playoffs started, even if they flamed out in the playoffs early, I'd always remember the 2013 season fondly.

(This should really be its own entry, but I'll say that Jonny Gomes' celebrations fall under "attitudes and character." Besides the beer punting, there is also this little beauty, which makes me giggle and drives Teens crazy. So naturally I throw it her way every chance I get, like after she makes a dynamite batch of spaghetti, or scores us a coupon for six free tacos from T.Bell, or goes upstairs and gets my spitter for me when I'm too lazy.)

Things I'm looking forward to the most about college basketball starting:

5. New seats, son. Previously, KU only gave season ticket deals to faculty, not regular old accountants like me. But now the game done changed, staff are included, and Kyle, Lanny and I just jumped up about 20 rows (for the same price that we were already paying.) Give me a few more years, and I'm gonna be Spike Lee up in this piece.

4. Andrew White III, rotation player. I had a soft spot for 'Drew last year, even though he played sparingly. He's a phenomenal three-point shooter, he had some fun moments last year, I got to yell "Drewwwwwwwwwww!" every time he did something good last year (I hope that catches on this year), and he has a terrific mini-flat top-- not quite NBA Live '95 quality, but definitely old-school Starting Lineup figurine quality. He had the makings of somebody who could eventually find his jersey on my Wall of Fame in my basement someday. Then KU got Wiggins, not to mention Brannen Greene and Wayne Selden, and I was pretty worried that 'Drew would be asked to redshirt, or even worse, he would transfer to get more playing time. Instead, he worked harder than anybody else did this offseason (Coach Self's words) and looks like he played his way into the 6th man position. Here's hoping that sticks.

3. The spectacle of Andrew Wiggins. KU's teams are usually made up of guys who go through growing pains, and steadily improve year after year in Self's system. We don't usually have the Carmelos, or the Wades, or the Durants....or even the Harrison Barneses, the Anthony Davises, the Greg Odens, the guys who have huge names coming out of high school already. We get lots of good recruits, but not THE top recruit. But now we've got Wiggins, and everything that goes along with it. To be honest, I don't expect him to be as unbelievable as everyone says. I'd be (pleasantly) surprised if he put up much better stats than Ben McLemore did last year. I'm just enjoying all the excitement and hoopla that comes with having the best high school prospect since LeBron James.

2. The incoming freshman class, besides Wiggins. I was already thrilled with KU's incoming guys before they landed Wiggins. I loved everything I was reading about Wayne Selden and Brannen Greene; Joel Embiid looked like a classic Bill Self big man project in the footsteps of Aldrich, T-Rob, Withey, etc.; and Connor Frankamp was a little white kid from Wichita who can shoot the lights out-- so obviously I was in on him. I figured we'd struggle this year, and then in 2014-15, when Naadir Tharpe was a senior point guard, Perry Ellis was ready to shoulder a big load, and all the freshmen were a year older, we'd be awesome. Then the reports on Selden kept growing and growing, and Embiid absolutely exploded (From an unranked prospect to, if you believe Rick Pitino, the possible 2nd pick in the draft? Are you kidding?) Now they're both both potential one-and-dones, and maybe we'll only be enjoying them for one year. But damn, if they somehow both come back next year, even without Wiggins...I predict we'll be even better.

1. The rivalry with Oklahoma St. heating up. The Big 12 was pretty crappy last year, and figured to be even worse this year. Texas sucks now, K-State and Iowa St. both got worse, and Baylor is supposed to be decent every year.....and every year they come to the Fieldhouse and lose by 30. But then Marcus Smart improbably returned for his sophomore year, and he started chirping a little bit, then their coach made some sarcastic comments about Wiggins, and now it's on. Tickets on Stubhub are already in the $250 range. Now we have another conference game to be super fired up for, and when they come to town this year, it should be the best atmosphere since the last Mizzou game a couple years ago. I love that Okie St. is talking a little trash, it's good for the game, but now they have KU's full attention. To steal a line from Omar from The Wire: "You come at the king, you best not miss."

(And just in case anyone forgot, the last time the Sox won the World Series....KU followed suit and won the title. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.)

(ALSO, this is completely unrelated to everything, but this just happened last night, and if I don't use this space to complain about it, then I don't know why I have a blog in the first place: Wanna know how my NFL gambling season is going? I can sum it up in one example. The over/under in last night's Miami/Cincinnati was 42.5. I had the over. Miami won 22-20. In overtime. ON A SAFETY. You guys wanna kick my dog while you're here?)