(Also, hat tip to Double D, who suggested a list of movies that I should write about. His innocent question "Hey, what do you think ever happened to Gordon Bombay and Charlie Conway's mom?" got the ball rolling.)
The Mighty Ducks- Gordon Bombay & Casey Conway
I couldn't find a single picture of the two of them together, which is weird, but at least I found the perfect encapsulation of the "These fucking guys, am I right?" face.
Let's take a quick look at Gordon Bombay's track record: He starts out a humble junior hockey star, but quits hockey when his dad passes away. He grows up to be a bigshot lawyer, turns into a total prick who brags about his undefeated record in court (the fuck does that even mean, anyway?) and has a limousine with a license plate that reads "JUSTWIN." He gets a DUI while celebrating how awesome he is, gets community service, and coaches a ragtag bunch of misfits (and my boy Adam Banks, nothing ragtag about him) to a city championship. He promises the team he'll be back to coach them next year, but instead big-times them and chases a pro hockey career, wrecks his knee, gets depressed, and comes back to Minneapolis. Once again, he catches a break and becomes coach of USA Hockey for the Junior Goodwill Games, but sells out to the sponsors, starts slicking his hair and dressing like he's Pat Riley, starts chasing girls, ignores the team, and generally acts like a dick again. He finally redeems himself-- just in time to win the gold medal, of course. (I'm not going to reference the third movie because it's mostly terrible and I don't remember much of it.)
Really, Gordon's life is just a series of highs, during which he completely "loses himself", followed by lows, during which he finds himself humbled enough to turn into a good guy....until he finds himself on the upswing and starts acting like a jerk again. The question needs to be asked: When Gordon Bombay "rediscovers" himself, to what personality are we referring? To me, I'd say that his true self is the asshole, and the exceptions are when he hits rock bottom and becomes a "good" guy, not vice versa.
So back to Gordon and Ms. Conway. After a series of break-ups and make-ups (oh, you thought she forgot about Iceland's assistant coach and Team USA's tutor from the Goodwill Games?) the happy couple moves in together and settles down. Only this time, Ms. Conway, the single mother who has been working in a diner to make ends meet while her boyfriend travels the country, gets her chance to walk all over Gordon when her son Charlie is discovered by Hollywood and goes on to star in Dawson's Creek.
Suddenly finding herself courted by rich Hollywood men, Ms. Conway drops Gordon like she should've years ago. Gordon goes into a tailspin and picks up another DUI. Only this time, instead of receiving a cushy community service gig like coaching pee-wee hockey again, he gets disbarred and picks up a 4-6 month stint at MCF-Shakopee. While locked up, he becomes Cell Block 3's bottom dollar bitch, and the inmates take great pleasure in forcing him to make duck noises while they sodomize him. Yes sir, Mr. Ducksworth! Thank you very much, Mr. Ducksworth! Quack quack quack quack quack, Mr. Ducksworth!
Top Gun- Maverick & Charlie
Let's review some observations about Maverick, his lifestyle, and surrounding factors:
1. He enjoys skins vs. skins beach volleyball games.
2. He frequently participates in "arguments" with other men that occur a) in locker rooms, b) with faces two inches apart from each other, and/or c) while wearing only towels.
3. Charlie is NOT attractive. Not even a little. She also dresses up like a man to seduce Maverick in an elevator.
4. Let's not gloss over the fact that her name is Charlie.
5. There are a ton of ass references throughout the movie..."Watch your tail"..."Cover your rear"...even "I want butts!"
6. Yeah, Mav sings 'You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling' in a bar to get in with Charlie, but are we sure that wasn't just an excuse to have a homoerotic sing-along in a hot, sweaty bar with a bunch of dudes in uniform?
(I'm intentionally not mentioning Maverick's relationship with Goose, since they're only about 60% as gay together as Paul and I are in real life, so that would be the pot calling the kettle a homo.)
All right, so we can all agree that Charlie is just a beard for 'Mav' (gay stripper name?), right? The only question is how long he can keep up the facade. During their relationship and eventual marriage, there have been a few nagging doubts on Charlie's mind. Maverick always seems to have a lot of "awesome" locker room stories that he brings home and shares, when, in actuality, they aren't that funny. There have also been a couple of role play scenarios that Charlie would rather not discuss-- Maverick's ideas, of course. But ultimately, nothing that can't be explained away.
But then, about 18 months into the marriage, there's an incident in a bar where Maverick slips his phone number to a guy when he thinks Ol' Chuck is in the bathroom. When she confronts him on it, he passes it off as just making a new buddy who also happens to enjoy Kenny Loggins songs and dramatic motorcycle rides at sunset.
After another year of this behavior, fearing the worst, Charlie goes home to visit her parents, hoping for some reassurance from her mother. Instead, Mama McGillis agrees and says she has thought Maverick was gay all along. Terrified for her marriage, Charlie takes an early flight home. She busts in the door, ready for a 'Come to Jesus' meeting with Maverick....when she finds him in bed with Iceman. They were doing a great job of covering each other's tail.
Speed- (Also known as 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down)- Jack & Annie
(Sorry, I know that link doesn't fit the theme of this post, I just really wanted to shoehorn in one of my all-time favorite Homer Simpson jokes.)
Here's the problem with Keanu and Sandra's relationship, and they even say it themselves in the movie: "Relationships that start under intense circumstances don't last." Maybe it's because YOU DON'T KNOW EACH OTHER. You met earlier this morning, and you've literally spent the entire day driving around on a bus rigged to the gills with explosives, your lives completely dependent upon a speedometer. Listen, Jack, for all you know, Annie never moved out of her parents' house, still wears My Little Pony pajamas, and all six of her cats are named after the dwarves from Snow White. (There used to be seven, but Sneezy got hit by a car last year. Annie still cries about it from time to time.) Bro, you're allergic to cats. And Annie, what do you really know about Jack? Maybe he's only into S&M, constantly trolls Craigslist for casual encounters, and currently has a restraining order on him from his last relationship?
And you know that their friends wouldn't approve. It would start innocently enough, maybe during a guy's night out, and a couple of Jack's friends start busting balls: "Yeah, Annie might be hot, Jack, but at least I don't need to take advantage of a traumatized hostage survivor to get laid...." But that one comment starts gnawing away at Jack, and pretty soon he starts resenting Annie for it. Pretty soon, happy hours turn into all-night drinking binges, as Jack broods over the mess he got himself in.
And what happens when Jack (who, don't forget, still works at a crazy intense job that requires long hours and constantly keeps him away from home) saves the life of some good-looking piece a couple months later? Annie knows that's exactly how their relationship started, and this new girl has a bigger chest (a sensitive subject for Annie, always has been) so she'd immediately get jealous and suspect that Jack was banging his new damsel-in-distress too. And of course her girlfriends support that suspicion and fuel the fire, as most girlfriends are wont to do.
Everything escalates from there, and during one particularly nasty fight ("Why don't you just go to your big-breasted WHORE! I saw how you were looking at her on the news!"...."She's not a whore, I told you, she's just stripping to pay for grad school! But now that you mention it, you know what? I HAVE been lying: your boobs ARE too small!") the relationship does what they miraculously managed to prevent the bus from doing: blow up in their faces.
50 First Dates- Henry & Lucy
Oh, this relationship is rich. Lemme get this straight: The girl wakes up every morning in a heavy state of confusion; she doesn't know what day it is, where she is, or who you are. You have to convince her that it's OK that she's in bed with you. There will definitely be some crying, probably a phone call to her father, and possibly some throwing up. Most of the day is spent recovering, and then mayyyybe she's good to go by late afternoon or early evening. The next morning, it happens all over again.
So what you're telling me is that basically, Adam Sandler is going to have to deal with the morning-after version of the drunkest girl at the bar, every single day, for the rest of his life? Without getting any of the drunken benefits? I give this marriage a month, tops. There isn't a judge in the world that would deny Henry an annulment.
Little Mermaid- Prince Eric & Ariel
We have a woman with a horribly skewed view of what love is supposed to be like; a prince who has spent his entire life chasing his dreams while girls chased after him; and a father-in-law who happens to be the Lord of the Ocean or some shit, who wields an all-powerful trident that can basically cause any sort of destruction he wants. This thing.....is gonna end violently.
As soon as the honeymoon phase wears off, Ariel starts thinking about how she gave up her entire life to be with him. Disillusionment soon follows, and ordinary husband-and-wife conversation turns ugly quick. "Why yes, of course I don't mind taking out the trash, why would I? It's not like I already gave up my home, all my friends and family- not to mention my tail and ability to breathe underwater- in order to be with you or anything. Why not give up my self-respect too? No, no, don't get up, relax and watch the game."
Prince Eric, who, as we mentioned, has spent his entire life having his every whim fancied and his every desire fulfilled, is far too self-involved to have any idea how to be an attentive husband. While he's off sailing the seas, looking for his next adventure, Ariel is back home, developing an impressive drinking problem, dressing increasingly sluttier, and trying to seduce the hired help every chance she gets.
Eric comes home from his latest conquest, only to discover Ariel, drunk, topless, wearing mermaid bottoms, and slurring at the gardeners, "You know you want to look! Don't you think I'm pretty? This is what my legs used to look like! My husband doesn't even know my real legs, but now you do!!" An unsuccessful rehab stint follows, and a detached Eric finally files for divorce. Ariel runs to daddy, and a furious King Triton returns to land and wreaks havoc on the palace grounds. In his fury, he loses control, and his hurricane destroys the palace, inadvertent flying shrapnel killing Prince Eric on the spot.
Guilt-stricken, and with no way to return to her life under the sea, Ariel becomes a street urchin. She currently lives under a bridge and spends most of her day rolling around in the shallow water, and for a few dollars or just a warm meal, she'll dance for you while singing 'Part of Your World.' Don't get too close, though; her mermaid costume smells like piss.
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Suggestions for a possible Volume 2 are encouraged.
