In T minus 4 hours, I leave for Louisville and my 2nd Kentucky Derby weekend. Since I will surely fail to adequately describe how I feel right now, I'll let Morgan Freeman do it for me:
I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the Illinois border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Kentucky bluegrass is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
And She Runs Through Her Days....With A Smile On Her Face
I usually don't write very in-depth about music; partly because we have plenty of other people in our corner of the blogosphere who can do it better- and also because for the most part it would go something like this:
Soooo have you guys heard that new Spice Girls CD? Pretty awesome, right? I think my favorite is Baby Spice. She just seems so innocent, you know? Like, Posh is definitely hotter, but she seems like kind of a bitch. I feel like if I bumped into Baby Spice in a coffee shop and everything kinda fell into place, I could totally get her number. And Scary Spice has some real nice boobies- and I'm totally not just saying that because of my moderate obsession with black girls. Oh yeah, their music is pretty sweet too. Lyrical geniuses, those Spice Girls. Fo' reals.
However, I would be remiss if I did not mention the hold that the song 'Tyler' by The Toadies** has on me right now. Despite the fact that this song came out in like 1994, I hadn't heard it until around November of last year- or at least, if I had heard it previously, it didn't stick with me. The latter scenario seems unlikely, because the very first time I played it after loading into my iPod, I was absolutely transfixed. This song found a nice comfy spot in my brain, settled in, and it's been there ever since.
I'm not usually one for listening to a song on repeat, but on a couple occasions I've listened to this song a handful of times in a row, only stopping because I'm desperately afraid of burning myself out on it. Even though I just downloaded it in November, it's already at the #18 spot in my top 25 most played list on iTunes, which goes back nearly three years.
It's also one of those songs that magically sounds better after you've had a couple of beers (especially cans of PBR.) Maybe it's the soul-searching guitar riff; maybe it's the creepy lyrics that detail a rapist's inner monologue in the days and minutes leading up to his crime; but in any event, it all combines with a gentle buzz to create the perfect level of romanticism needed for a good gettin' drunk song. I'm practically hypnotized when I listen to it. Beyond that, it's in that rare group of songs that actually makes me feel like immdeiately grabbing a 30 pack, plopping down in a lawn chair, and just getting absolutely crushed every time I hear it. This song went straight into my playlist appropriately named 'Of Course I'm Drunk, You Asshole.' Seriously, if I knew of this song when we still lived in Culligan and had the roof to sit out on, I would already be 4 months deep into a massive alcohol problem.
Bergman and I have talked about this at length over the years, so I know his answer is going to be 'Mexico' by James Taylor, but the Question of the Day is: what song(s) make you just want to kick back on a warm summer evening and get sauced?
**Editor's note: for those of you whose curiousity I've piqued enough to click the link and watch the video, I ask you to do your best to ignore the video and just listen to the song. I just watched it for the first time here tonight, and it might be the worst video I've ever seen. Seriously. I wish I could go back and unwatch it in my mind. I have the same look on my face as after the first time I saw Two Girls, One Cup (only this time I don't have an unexpected erection.)
Soooo have you guys heard that new Spice Girls CD? Pretty awesome, right? I think my favorite is Baby Spice. She just seems so innocent, you know? Like, Posh is definitely hotter, but she seems like kind of a bitch. I feel like if I bumped into Baby Spice in a coffee shop and everything kinda fell into place, I could totally get her number. And Scary Spice has some real nice boobies- and I'm totally not just saying that because of my moderate obsession with black girls. Oh yeah, their music is pretty sweet too. Lyrical geniuses, those Spice Girls. Fo' reals.
However, I would be remiss if I did not mention the hold that the song 'Tyler' by The Toadies** has on me right now. Despite the fact that this song came out in like 1994, I hadn't heard it until around November of last year- or at least, if I had heard it previously, it didn't stick with me. The latter scenario seems unlikely, because the very first time I played it after loading into my iPod, I was absolutely transfixed. This song found a nice comfy spot in my brain, settled in, and it's been there ever since.
I'm not usually one for listening to a song on repeat, but on a couple occasions I've listened to this song a handful of times in a row, only stopping because I'm desperately afraid of burning myself out on it. Even though I just downloaded it in November, it's already at the #18 spot in my top 25 most played list on iTunes, which goes back nearly three years.
It's also one of those songs that magically sounds better after you've had a couple of beers (especially cans of PBR.) Maybe it's the soul-searching guitar riff; maybe it's the creepy lyrics that detail a rapist's inner monologue in the days and minutes leading up to his crime; but in any event, it all combines with a gentle buzz to create the perfect level of romanticism needed for a good gettin' drunk song. I'm practically hypnotized when I listen to it. Beyond that, it's in that rare group of songs that actually makes me feel like immdeiately grabbing a 30 pack, plopping down in a lawn chair, and just getting absolutely crushed every time I hear it. This song went straight into my playlist appropriately named 'Of Course I'm Drunk, You Asshole.' Seriously, if I knew of this song when we still lived in Culligan and had the roof to sit out on, I would already be 4 months deep into a massive alcohol problem.
Bergman and I have talked about this at length over the years, so I know his answer is going to be 'Mexico' by James Taylor, but the Question of the Day is: what song(s) make you just want to kick back on a warm summer evening and get sauced?
**Editor's note: for those of you whose curiousity I've piqued enough to click the link and watch the video, I ask you to do your best to ignore the video and just listen to the song. I just watched it for the first time here tonight, and it might be the worst video I've ever seen. Seriously. I wish I could go back and unwatch it in my mind. I have the same look on my face as after the first time I saw Two Girls, One Cup (only this time I don't have an unexpected erection.)
Friday, April 24, 2009
I'll Take Preseason #1 Ranking For $600, Please
And the answer is: These things needed to happen this off-season in order for KU to be the top-rated team in America going into next year.
What is....Sherron Collins and Cole Aldrich coming back for one more year; top-5 recruit Xavier Henry announcing he's coming to KU; top-40 recruits Thomas Robinson and Elijah Johnson also climbing on board; Tyshawn Taylor, the Morris twins, and my boy Brady Morningstar growing a year older and wiser?
Correct! And you remain in charge of the board.
After the signing of Xavier Henry (and his brother C.J. as a walk-on) never in my lifetime (and probably never, period) has a Jayhawk team been so deep- KU has 14 players who legitimately deserve to play at least 10 minutes per game. Let the roller coaster of being preseason #1 begin. Only seven months until the season starts.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I Can't Talk To My Mother So I Talk To My Diary
>> Lawrence is a dangerous city for me. I don't mean that literally; I'm generally able to act however I want, without fear of getting beat up for my lunch money. (Although I should mention....apparently Alex had to slap some old dude in the face on Friday night after he groped her at Sandbar. I would've stepped in for her, but at that moment in time I was waiting in line outside on the sidewalk, double-fisting beers I had smuggled into the street from a different bar, and hitting on a couple of girls on behalf of my buddy Andy, who was inside. Who says chivalry is dead?)
What I mean is that Lawrence is dangerous for me in a fiscal sense. In the past, when we'd drive down here once a year to attend a game, I would unload my wallet and buy all my KU crap in one big spendfest. Now, it's like every time I go to the grocery store to stock up on Hot Pockets, I see something KU-related to waste money on. "Hammen, what's with all the bags? I thought you were just picking up triple-A batteries?"..."Well, yeah, but...then I saw these KU beer mugs, pretty awesome...and, well, I know we don't actually OWN a grill yet, but when we do, we'll have a nice Jayhawk grill cover....ahhh dammit." If I continue at the rate I'm currently going, the entire apartment is going to look like one of those fake bedrooms that they put in sports memorabilia catalogs.
So anyway, I'm at this little shop downtown, picking up a $100 scoreboard clock (yes, a scoreboard clock. For our living room. That right there about sums up this entire paragraph, not to mention my entire life) and I see one of those panoramic photos that uses a special lense to show the entire Fieldhouse crowd at once during last year's KU/Missouri game. So I pick it up, scan it for awhile, find myself in the crowd....ipso facto, I have to buy it. Nevermind that I don't have a frame for it, I don't really have anywhere to hang it, and I sure as hell don't need it- shit dude, you can see ME in it, so let's throw it on the credit card. I get airline miles for this purchase anyway bro, it's all good.
It was surprisingly easy to find me in the crowd, too. I remembered what I was wearing and roughly where I was sitting, which helped...but the clincher is that the photo is being taken while Tyshawn Taylor is launching a 3, so I immediately knew what to look for: me doing this. And sure enough, amidst a sea of people who are mostly sitting down, you can see me standing up with my arm stretched to the sky. Don't let anyone ever tell you that going to a basketball game by yourself isn't awesome.
>> There a couple new additions to the links. I almost hesitate to mention them, since the Batting Order is now littered with people whose blogging careers were shorter than Jessie Spano's drug addiction. However, I have high hopes that both of these blogs will be superb in both quality and quantity.
The first addition is Rocko. She is best known as Chelsey's old roommate from the Minneapolis days....aka the days of "Heyyyy, I've got a flight leaving out of Minneapolis tomorrow, so can I drive down today, get us all hammered, crash on your couch, and have you drive me to the airport at 6 am? kthxbye!" And she also happens to be hilarious. Hopefully Rocko doesn't quit blogging like some of the other drop-outs who have disappointed me so very, very much (when Dunph said he had a "Daily Attitude Problem" apparently he meant that this one day in 2006 he had a problem, and then this other day he had another one....and he wrote about both of them.)
Also, our resident music expert Schneweis has started an insightful music blog, Pacing The Cage, which is pretty beneficial for music recommendations. Nobody has provided me with more new music in my life** than Schne, and for this I am eternally grateful. Give him a look.
**I should clarify and say music that I enjoy- one time, I stole a homeless person's entire CD collection that he was selling on the street corner, but it was mostly just tribal music, or poetry being read aloud with bongos and shit in the background, so it pretty much sucked. Hey man, if you don't want your stuff to get jacked, don't ask strangers to watch it for you while you go piss behind the 7-11. You, of all people, should know that.
What I mean is that Lawrence is dangerous for me in a fiscal sense. In the past, when we'd drive down here once a year to attend a game, I would unload my wallet and buy all my KU crap in one big spendfest. Now, it's like every time I go to the grocery store to stock up on Hot Pockets, I see something KU-related to waste money on. "Hammen, what's with all the bags? I thought you were just picking up triple-A batteries?"..."Well, yeah, but...then I saw these KU beer mugs, pretty awesome...and, well, I know we don't actually OWN a grill yet, but when we do, we'll have a nice Jayhawk grill cover....ahhh dammit." If I continue at the rate I'm currently going, the entire apartment is going to look like one of those fake bedrooms that they put in sports memorabilia catalogs.
So anyway, I'm at this little shop downtown, picking up a $100 scoreboard clock (yes, a scoreboard clock. For our living room. That right there about sums up this entire paragraph, not to mention my entire life) and I see one of those panoramic photos that uses a special lense to show the entire Fieldhouse crowd at once during last year's KU/Missouri game. So I pick it up, scan it for awhile, find myself in the crowd....ipso facto, I have to buy it. Nevermind that I don't have a frame for it, I don't really have anywhere to hang it, and I sure as hell don't need it- shit dude, you can see ME in it, so let's throw it on the credit card. I get airline miles for this purchase anyway bro, it's all good.
It was surprisingly easy to find me in the crowd, too. I remembered what I was wearing and roughly where I was sitting, which helped...but the clincher is that the photo is being taken while Tyshawn Taylor is launching a 3, so I immediately knew what to look for: me doing this. And sure enough, amidst a sea of people who are mostly sitting down, you can see me standing up with my arm stretched to the sky. Don't let anyone ever tell you that going to a basketball game by yourself isn't awesome.
>> There a couple new additions to the links. I almost hesitate to mention them, since the Batting Order is now littered with people whose blogging careers were shorter than Jessie Spano's drug addiction. However, I have high hopes that both of these blogs will be superb in both quality and quantity.
The first addition is Rocko. She is best known as Chelsey's old roommate from the Minneapolis days....aka the days of "Heyyyy, I've got a flight leaving out of Minneapolis tomorrow, so can I drive down today, get us all hammered, crash on your couch, and have you drive me to the airport at 6 am? kthxbye!" And she also happens to be hilarious. Hopefully Rocko doesn't quit blogging like some of the other drop-outs who have disappointed me so very, very much (when Dunph said he had a "Daily Attitude Problem" apparently he meant that this one day in 2006 he had a problem, and then this other day he had another one....and he wrote about both of them.)
Also, our resident music expert Schneweis has started an insightful music blog, Pacing The Cage, which is pretty beneficial for music recommendations. Nobody has provided me with more new music in my life** than Schne, and for this I am eternally grateful. Give him a look.
**I should clarify and say music that I enjoy- one time, I stole a homeless person's entire CD collection that he was selling on the street corner, but it was mostly just tribal music, or poetry being read aloud with bongos and shit in the background, so it pretty much sucked. Hey man, if you don't want your stuff to get jacked, don't ask strangers to watch it for you while you go piss behind the 7-11. You, of all people, should know that.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
TV And Me
I am not what you would call a huge fan of TV. I have some shows that I watch (The Office, Weeds, How I Met Your Mother, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia) but I prefer to wait until they come out on DVD and watch entire seasons at once. It doesn't bother me that I'm a year behind. There isn't a show that I make enough of a priority to watch every week, for these reasons:
1. I don't like being a slave to TV- I would never want to be in a situation where I chose not to go golfing, play pickup ball, hang out with friends, or creep around middle school girls' volleyball games- because The Office was coming on at 8:00. TV can wait (unless, of course, we're talking about sports. Alex could need my help putting out a small grease fire in the kitchen that was on the verge of jumping the counter, but if the Red Sox had the tying run on 3rd base in the 9th inning, she'd be on her own.)
2. That said, IF there was a show good enough currently on the air, I would make the sacrifice to watch it every week. Back when Ed was on NBC, a bunch of us got together religiously every Wednesday night to watch, and this was at a time in our lives when we all had much more going on (read: getting shitfaced.) Freshman year, I'm pretty sure Jake skipped a final exam because the season finale was on at the same time, and we saw in the previews that Ed was going to kiss Carol Vessey before she left on a summer-long trip with Dennis Martino. (Son of a bitch Dennis Martino! That guy still pisses me off....damn that show was awesome.)
However, since Ed got the axe 5 years ago, I have yet to find a show that would make me drop everything to watch it every week. However, that might also be due to my getting older and just liking TV less. But don't people our age usually start to settle down and watch more TV at night? I feel like most of my friends are doing that. I don't know, maybe I just liked TV more when I was younger. I should note that Freshman year of college, we would also get together to watch The Real World every week, a television program that I believe represents everything that is wrong with America today. I don't know what that says about me/us, maybe I just liked TV more back then.
3. I don't like watching TV shows on the internet. As much as I am in love with watching sports on the internet (with all the viewing options on the Masters website, it is officially better to be at work than to be at home for the first two rounds) for me, TV shows just don't translate well.
4. I don't have TiVo. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have it, but that would result in placing a call to the cable company- who would then realize that we're getting free cable in our apartment through some glitch in the Matrix. I've been living on my own for 8 years now, and I've yet to receive a cable bill (ssshhhh! that was a secret!) I'll be damned if I start paying for cable now.
So, what the hell is the point of all this? I recently finished watching the first five seasons of The Sopranos on DVD, roughly 10 years after it premiered. And although I haven't yet seen the dramatic sixth season, I can sum up my feelings in one word or less: meh.
I'm sure this is a case of something being hyped up to the point where it couldn't do anything but disappoint me; plus the fact that I know all about the controversial ending to the show probably doesn't help, but I think it's more than that. I honestly don't know what all the fuss was about regarding this show. It's definitely good; I mean, we raced through five whole seasons pretty quickly, but it's not the be-all end-all TV I thought it would be when we began our Sopranos odyssey.
It's especially disappointing because I am a huuuuge fan of mafia stories. The Godfather is my favorite book of all-time- I've read it 10 times in 9 years and it's not even close to getting old. Goodfellas is my favorite movie** and my unofficial top 50 would be littered with gangster movies.
{**I should clarify that it's my favorite movie because it's the one I've watched most recently. I've accepted that I can't have an absolute, hands-down, #1 all-time favorite movie, because I'm too easily influenced. I'm like an eight year old. I'll watch The Departed, proclaim it my favorite movie ever, and go around rocking a fake Boston accent for a week telling people "Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself." Then I'll watch He Got Game, proclaim THAT to be my favorite movie, and spend the next month shooting hoops at random outdoor parks, speaking in ebonics, and pretending that I'm in Coney Island and I'm the #1 high school recruit in the country. Then I'll watch Return of the Jedi and proclaim THAT to be the best movie ever, and soon I'm dressed up in full-on Jedi apparel, using my 9-iron as a lightsaber and trying to use the Jedi mind-trick on Alex: "You are going to make me tuna casserole for dinner. Search your feelings, you know this to be true." So bottom line, I don't have an official all-time favorite movie.}
I think the most telling sign of my apathy towards The Sopranos is that we finished the fifth season a while back, and I've felt no motivation to rush out and rent the sixth and final season. That is crazy to me. So Sopranos fans, is the sixth season so amazing that it can pull a Lloyd Christmas trading in the Shaggin' Wagon for a moped and TOTALLY REDEEM ITSELF!....or is it a situation where if I haven't caught the Sopranos fever yet, it's too late now? Should I even bother with the last season?
1. I don't like being a slave to TV- I would never want to be in a situation where I chose not to go golfing, play pickup ball, hang out with friends, or creep around middle school girls' volleyball games- because The Office was coming on at 8:00. TV can wait (unless, of course, we're talking about sports. Alex could need my help putting out a small grease fire in the kitchen that was on the verge of jumping the counter, but if the Red Sox had the tying run on 3rd base in the 9th inning, she'd be on her own.)
2. That said, IF there was a show good enough currently on the air, I would make the sacrifice to watch it every week. Back when Ed was on NBC, a bunch of us got together religiously every Wednesday night to watch, and this was at a time in our lives when we all had much more going on (read: getting shitfaced.) Freshman year, I'm pretty sure Jake skipped a final exam because the season finale was on at the same time, and we saw in the previews that Ed was going to kiss Carol Vessey before she left on a summer-long trip with Dennis Martino. (Son of a bitch Dennis Martino! That guy still pisses me off....damn that show was awesome.)
However, since Ed got the axe 5 years ago, I have yet to find a show that would make me drop everything to watch it every week. However, that might also be due to my getting older and just liking TV less. But don't people our age usually start to settle down and watch more TV at night? I feel like most of my friends are doing that. I don't know, maybe I just liked TV more when I was younger. I should note that Freshman year of college, we would also get together to watch The Real World every week, a television program that I believe represents everything that is wrong with America today. I don't know what that says about me/us, maybe I just liked TV more back then.
3. I don't like watching TV shows on the internet. As much as I am in love with watching sports on the internet (with all the viewing options on the Masters website, it is officially better to be at work than to be at home for the first two rounds) for me, TV shows just don't translate well.
4. I don't have TiVo. Don't get me wrong, I would love to have it, but that would result in placing a call to the cable company- who would then realize that we're getting free cable in our apartment through some glitch in the Matrix. I've been living on my own for 8 years now, and I've yet to receive a cable bill (ssshhhh! that was a secret!) I'll be damned if I start paying for cable now.
So, what the hell is the point of all this? I recently finished watching the first five seasons of The Sopranos on DVD, roughly 10 years after it premiered. And although I haven't yet seen the dramatic sixth season, I can sum up my feelings in one word or less: meh.
I'm sure this is a case of something being hyped up to the point where it couldn't do anything but disappoint me; plus the fact that I know all about the controversial ending to the show probably doesn't help, but I think it's more than that. I honestly don't know what all the fuss was about regarding this show. It's definitely good; I mean, we raced through five whole seasons pretty quickly, but it's not the be-all end-all TV I thought it would be when we began our Sopranos odyssey.
It's especially disappointing because I am a huuuuge fan of mafia stories. The Godfather is my favorite book of all-time- I've read it 10 times in 9 years and it's not even close to getting old. Goodfellas is my favorite movie** and my unofficial top 50 would be littered with gangster movies.
{**I should clarify that it's my favorite movie because it's the one I've watched most recently. I've accepted that I can't have an absolute, hands-down, #1 all-time favorite movie, because I'm too easily influenced. I'm like an eight year old. I'll watch The Departed, proclaim it my favorite movie ever, and go around rocking a fake Boston accent for a week telling people "Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself." Then I'll watch He Got Game, proclaim THAT to be my favorite movie, and spend the next month shooting hoops at random outdoor parks, speaking in ebonics, and pretending that I'm in Coney Island and I'm the #1 high school recruit in the country. Then I'll watch Return of the Jedi and proclaim THAT to be the best movie ever, and soon I'm dressed up in full-on Jedi apparel, using my 9-iron as a lightsaber and trying to use the Jedi mind-trick on Alex: "You are going to make me tuna casserole for dinner. Search your feelings, you know this to be true." So bottom line, I don't have an official all-time favorite movie.}
I think the most telling sign of my apathy towards The Sopranos is that we finished the fifth season a while back, and I've felt no motivation to rush out and rent the sixth and final season. That is crazy to me. So Sopranos fans, is the sixth season so amazing that it can pull a Lloyd Christmas trading in the Shaggin' Wagon for a moped and TOTALLY REDEEM ITSELF!....or is it a situation where if I haven't caught the Sopranos fever yet, it's too late now? Should I even bother with the last season?
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Back In The High Life Again
It's finally here. The glorious end to tax season. We get a half day today, which I will use to "do stuff" such as golf, play pickup basketball...maybe pickup a sixer of Mike's Hard Lemonade, troll some chat rooms, and see what the middle school girls are up to tonight.
Tomorrow our office is closed, so it's my own personal Shomer Shabbos, aka Peter Gibbons' Day, where I will do absolutely nothing all day long. The only decisions I'll make all day will be whether I get Sonic or Chipotle for lunch (who am I kidding, probably both) and which of the Star Wars movies I should watch (who am I kidding, probably all 6.)
Then on Friday I will celebrate with a few cocktails. By "a few" I mean "enough to bring down a small-to-medium sized Argentinian family." I plan on having a beer in my hand at 5:06 pm (5:03 pm if I hit all the lights on my way home) then getting Winnie the Pooh-drunk** and sleeping as late as humanly possible on Saturday. I don't think that 1 pm is out of the question. In fact, I'll be angry if I'm out of bed before noon. We'll put the over/under at 12:23.
**Winnie the Pooh drunk: getting so drunk that by the end of the night, I'm wearing a t-shirt and nothing else, and I'm elbows-deep in a jar of honey (or in my case, some spicy queso dip.)
Holler at your boy when you see him in the street.
Tomorrow our office is closed, so it's my own personal Shomer Shabbos, aka Peter Gibbons' Day, where I will do absolutely nothing all day long. The only decisions I'll make all day will be whether I get Sonic or Chipotle for lunch (who am I kidding, probably both) and which of the Star Wars movies I should watch (who am I kidding, probably all 6.)
Then on Friday I will celebrate with a few cocktails. By "a few" I mean "enough to bring down a small-to-medium sized Argentinian family." I plan on having a beer in my hand at 5:06 pm (5:03 pm if I hit all the lights on my way home) then getting Winnie the Pooh-drunk** and sleeping as late as humanly possible on Saturday. I don't think that 1 pm is out of the question. In fact, I'll be angry if I'm out of bed before noon. We'll put the over/under at 12:23.
**Winnie the Pooh drunk: getting so drunk that by the end of the night, I'm wearing a t-shirt and nothing else, and I'm elbows-deep in a jar of honey (or in my case, some spicy queso dip.)
Holler at your boy when you see him in the street.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Dealbreaker?
After sitting through the schmaltzy introduction filled with soft piano music***; multiple shots of trees, sunshine, and pink azaleas; and cheesy Jim Nantz one-liners; Alex had this to say:
"You know, The Masters is just kinda gay."
If we were married, this would be grounds for divorce. Now I know what Chris Brown felt like when he beat up Rihanna.
Don't worry, I didn't do it. (And I don't mean that like O.J. meant it.)
***I decided today that I want that music playing at my wedding. It'd be awesome, as people were being seated, to see how many of my friends recognized it as the music from The Masters and started giggling. And THEN, what if I got Jim Nantz to preside over the ceremony? And he started by saying "Hello friends. We're gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of...." Oh man best wedding ever.
"You know, The Masters is just kinda gay."
If we were married, this would be grounds for divorce. Now I know what Chris Brown felt like when he beat up Rihanna.
Don't worry, I didn't do it. (And I don't mean that like O.J. meant it.)
***I decided today that I want that music playing at my wedding. It'd be awesome, as people were being seated, to see how many of my friends recognized it as the music from The Masters and started giggling. And THEN, what if I got Jim Nantz to preside over the ceremony? And he started by saying "Hello friends. We're gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of...." Oh man best wedding ever.
Friday, April 10, 2009
How White Kids Make Fun Of Each Other
In the late 80's there were "Yo mama" jokes. Sometime in the 90's came "_____ called, he wants his ______ back" jokes. Later in the 90's and into the new millenium, battle rapping became popular (I mean, if you can't get pumped for the climatic scene in 8 Mile, you better check your pulse, bro! Fuck Free World! 313!!!)
And now, in 2009....we make fun of each other's facebook profiles. Here is a small play I have entitled "How to Lose a Friend in 10 Minutes."
- Me
- Jon, aka Jon-Jon, aka Jonye West, aka The World's Tallest Intern, aka The Big Polygraph
1:36pmJon
FACEBOOKIN at work yeah bra
gotta upload some photos from the weekend
yeah
wasted
it was awesome I don't even remember taking like half of them
it was crazy
wicked goodtime ...... from what I can remember
1:37pmJim
hahahahaaaa zing....do you see any photo albums in my profile
1:37pmJon
no because you won't give me access
1:37pmJim
hey check out my trip to europe, it was pretty awesome...no big deal though, just europe, you know, pretty cool place....
1:38pmJon
Check this out, so I went to this baseball game
this kid was a Sox fan
it's awesome
1:38pmJim
sooooo have you heard of the eiffel tower? yeah i've been there
1:38pmJon
pretty sweet
no I didn't know him, but he was a sox fan
1:38pmJim
look at this museum....here's the same picture, but now I'M in it, so it's a little more special
this building has been around since 1530.....OLD, right?
1:39pmJon
Yeah I have seen fever pitch ok....enough....oh hey while you cruzin my profile check out my blog that's sweet too
1:40pmJim
yeah, i've got a link for my blog too, but i haven't updated since george w. was president...you should still check it out though
1:40pmJon
what am I doing you ask
just living the dream
that's my activity I am into the most
1:41pmJim
hey wanna have a recruiting challenge for northern iowa basketball?
i'm just a waterboy, but i'm on my way up
1:41pmJon
ohh whats that you havent heard any good quotes from Dave Chappelle?
check out my profile
they are on there
1:41pmJim
my trivia score is a little low too, but fuck that, i'm not gonna study trivia, i don't have time for that, what with my europe trips and all
1:41pmJon
oh yeah and I don't really have any interests....OTHER THAN SPORTS
1:42pmJim
and check it out, i've got some answers to FAQs, cause if you make try and conversation about me being tall, I WILL WRECK YOU
1:42pmJon
I am just a gopher in the dave chappelle recruting challenge
1:43pmJim
what kind of music do i like? glad you asked....IMIN2EVERYTHING!!!!
1:43pmJon
All's I know is that if you cheer for the yankees
you make baby jesus cry
so I got this friend right, his name is paul, I thought it was soooo funny when he said "I'll have another"
omg
1:44pmJim
nuggets never judge.....that's only my third favorite quote, there are a couple other ones, but now that i re-read them they're pretty gay
i decided to start a new blog, just for my europe trip, cause i REALLY want to make sure you heard i went to europe...
1:45pmJon
so yeah my favorite quotes are from movies sooo what..I loved superbad...thought it was great...and dave chappelle, of course is on there...did i I tell you I am doing his recrutiing challenge
yah I am only a gopher, but the show's off the air so I can't really move up any more
1:46pmJim
i joined the suite 49 group cause I FUCKING LOVE DRINKING AT THE SUITE 49!!!! love gettin' bombed there, you can usually run into some UND hockey players....score!
1:46pmJon
I like most movies, but I know I like ALL THE STAR WARS
that's for sure
and boner jams '03
that was classic
I made it myself
actually me and my buddy paul did...do you know when he says "I'll have another" I LOL?
Annnnd scene. Don't worry, we're still friends. Sort of.
And now, in 2009....we make fun of each other's facebook profiles. Here is a small play I have entitled "How to Lose a Friend in 10 Minutes."
(Note: this actually took place weeks ago, but I copied and pasted it, and saved it for a rainy day. "Rainy" meaning a day where due to crunching numbers, I lack the mental capacity to write anything remotely close to creative and besides I'm spending my lunch break watching The Masters on my computer because it's a Tradition Unlike Any Other- more like an Erection Unlike Any Other cause that's what I get when I catch my first glimpse of Augusta National Golf Course every year.)
- Me
- Jon, aka Jon-Jon, aka Jonye West, aka The World's Tallest Intern, aka The Big Polygraph
1:36pmJon
FACEBOOKIN at work yeah bra
gotta upload some photos from the weekend
yeah
wasted
it was awesome I don't even remember taking like half of them
it was crazy
wicked goodtime ...... from what I can remember
1:37pmJim
hahahahaaaa zing....do you see any photo albums in my profile
1:37pmJon
no because you won't give me access
1:37pmJim
hey check out my trip to europe, it was pretty awesome...no big deal though, just europe, you know, pretty cool place....
1:38pmJon
Check this out, so I went to this baseball game
this kid was a Sox fan
it's awesome
1:38pmJim
sooooo have you heard of the eiffel tower? yeah i've been there
1:38pmJon
pretty sweet
no I didn't know him, but he was a sox fan
1:38pmJim
look at this museum....here's the same picture, but now I'M in it, so it's a little more special
this building has been around since 1530.....OLD, right?
1:39pmJon
Yeah I have seen fever pitch ok....enough....oh hey while you cruzin my profile check out my blog that's sweet too
1:40pmJim
yeah, i've got a link for my blog too, but i haven't updated since george w. was president...you should still check it out though
1:40pmJon
what am I doing you ask
just living the dream
that's my activity I am into the most
1:41pmJim
hey wanna have a recruiting challenge for northern iowa basketball?
i'm just a waterboy, but i'm on my way up
1:41pmJon
ohh whats that you havent heard any good quotes from Dave Chappelle?
check out my profile
they are on there
1:41pmJim
my trivia score is a little low too, but fuck that, i'm not gonna study trivia, i don't have time for that, what with my europe trips and all
1:41pmJon
oh yeah and I don't really have any interests....OTHER THAN SPORTS
1:42pmJim
and check it out, i've got some answers to FAQs, cause if you make try and conversation about me being tall, I WILL WRECK YOU
1:42pmJon
I am just a gopher in the dave chappelle recruting challenge
1:43pmJim
what kind of music do i like? glad you asked....IMIN2EVERYTHING!!!!
1:43pmJon
All's I know is that if you cheer for the yankees
you make baby jesus cry
so I got this friend right, his name is paul, I thought it was soooo funny when he said "I'll have another"
omg
1:44pmJim
nuggets never judge.....that's only my third favorite quote, there are a couple other ones, but now that i re-read them they're pretty gay
i decided to start a new blog, just for my europe trip, cause i REALLY want to make sure you heard i went to europe...
1:45pmJon
so yeah my favorite quotes are from movies sooo what..I loved superbad...thought it was great...and dave chappelle, of course is on there...did i I tell you I am doing his recrutiing challenge
yah I am only a gopher, but the show's off the air so I can't really move up any more
1:46pmJim
i joined the suite 49 group cause I FUCKING LOVE DRINKING AT THE SUITE 49!!!! love gettin' bombed there, you can usually run into some UND hockey players....score!
1:46pmJon
I like most movies, but I know I like ALL THE STAR WARS
that's for sure
and boner jams '03
that was classic
I made it myself
actually me and my buddy paul did...do you know when he says "I'll have another" I LOL?
Annnnd scene. Don't worry, we're still friends. Sort of.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Congratuf*ckinglations
Just a heads up, this is going to be a whiny, bitchy, mostly petty post from a sore loser who has dreaded this day since last June. I would love to be happy for my Carolina friends, in particular Fundy, with whom I share a mutual respect, due to the fact that we both have an entirely unhealthy and irrational love of college basketball. He has always been supportive of Kansas, even cheering for them for my sake, in the years when Carolina is eliminated first.
And let the record show that back in the day, I used to be supportive of Carolina. One year in high school Fundy and I played on the same 3-on-3 intramural team, and we even named the team the TarHawks, due to our college basketball allegiances (and yeah I know that's incredibly gay, but c'mon- we were 16. On the list of "Things We Did That Year That We Thought Was Really Clever But Was Actually Gay....Seriously" that would probably only rank 7th or 8th.)
But now, in 2009, due to extenuating circumstances, I cannot be happy for North Carolina or their fans.
Pictured: Extenuating Circumstances.
Anyway, here's what annoyed me about last night:
- During the pregame show, both Greg Anthony AND Seth Davis picking Michigan St. to win. As I remarked to Alex at the time, that's a 5th grader's pick. That's a little kid's pick. That's a pick from someone looking to go on national TV and make a splash. Let me do my impression of Seth Meyers from SNL (and also Schneweis when he's really hammered): Really? You realllly thought Michigan St. was going to beat Carolina. Really. Even when Carolina beat Michigan St. earlier this year, in this very city, on this very floor, by 35 points? When Carolina hadn't had a game closer than 12 points the entire tournament? Really? When Carolina returned every major player from a Final Four team last year, whose only acceptable conclusion to this season was to win the title? Really.
- The game itself sucked. It was over by the second TV timeout, and every person on the planet knew it. Carolina knew it, MSU knew it, and the 278,000 MSU fans in Ford Field who were supposed to give MSU such a great home-court advantage knew it. I'm not sure if that's the real number of fans, I'm no mathemetician, I just know that I was pretty bored with hearing about that attendance record last night. Most fans to ever attend a Final Four game, did you hear?
- Here's one of the things I hate most about March Madness, and it happens often: when a shitty team (MSU in this example) ends KU's season, ruins my bracket, and just all around pisses me off....and then, when I finally DO want them to win, they all of a sudden play like I thought they would play 3 games ago. Thanks for beating UCONN and taking away any shot we had at an exciting national championship game. That was anybody's game for about 3 minutes there, it was pretty exciting.
- Good Ol' Roy is building a legacy now. Here was his legacy at KU: choker. Now he's at a school that pretty much recruits itself, and he's stockpiling national titles. So that's nice. (Not to say he was a bad recruiter at KU- he was phenomenal. But seriously, does Roy even have to go on recruiting trips and entice players to come to Chapel Hill? Or is he just accepting the best of the best, and turning the others away like Kristen Bell with Star Wars nerds at Comic-Con....hi-yoooooo! Baa-zing!)
- All the praise that Lawson, Ellington, and Green are getting for "coming back to school to win a national championship." Bullshit. Those three came back to school because they tested the NBA draft waters, found out they weren't getting drafted as high as they would like, and THEN came back. Give Hansbrough credit (gasp!) because he came back right away, before the other three had made up their minds. So he didn't even know if he had a great team this year or not- he just legitimately loved being at Carolina. But to pretend that the others came back because they loved college/wanted to win a national championship is just naive.
- I don't mean to take anything away from North Carolina here: they shot the ball extremely well and played pretty awesome basketball this month. But would it have been too much to ask for just ONE TEAM to step up and play even halfway decently against them? I don't have the numbers in front of me, and I'm no statitician, but Oklahoma started out like 1-19 on 3-pointers or something ridiculous like that. Ditto Villanova, with the added bonus that they couldn't make a layup, dunk, free throw, or any shot that game. And Michigan St. had about 1 turnover for every fan they had in Ford Field last night (411,000? Was that the number? It was a record crowd, you know.) And these turnovers/missed shots were rarely caused by Carolina's defense. Bottom line: teams just shit the bed against Carolina in the tournament this year.
- Finally, last night sucked because it was so inevitable. (Say this in the voice of the "O-face" guy from Office Space: "Hell, OBAMA picked them!") Ever since last June, when we found out that every player would be back for Carolina this year, and we knew that there was no other elite team this year in the entire NCAA, it was pretty obvious that Carolina would walk to the title. I hoped against hope that some crazy March Madness upset would derail this championship train (which really shouldn't be that insane of a wish- considering Roy got upset as a high seed with KU like EVERY OTHER YEAR) but alas, it was not to be. Carolina did indeed walk to the title. And that sucks.
In conclusion, I offer a half-hearted congratulations to all the Carolina fans out there. Seriously, it's hard work cheering for the most successful, most popular team in the country, and you should be commended for your loyalty. Plus, the baby blue argyle on their jerseys is SO sweet looking!
And let the record show that back in the day, I used to be supportive of Carolina. One year in high school Fundy and I played on the same 3-on-3 intramural team, and we even named the team the TarHawks, due to our college basketball allegiances (and yeah I know that's incredibly gay, but c'mon- we were 16. On the list of "Things We Did That Year That We Thought Was Really Clever But Was Actually Gay....Seriously" that would probably only rank 7th or 8th.)
But now, in 2009, due to extenuating circumstances, I cannot be happy for North Carolina or their fans.
Pictured: Extenuating Circumstances.Anyway, here's what annoyed me about last night:
- During the pregame show, both Greg Anthony AND Seth Davis picking Michigan St. to win. As I remarked to Alex at the time, that's a 5th grader's pick. That's a little kid's pick. That's a pick from someone looking to go on national TV and make a splash. Let me do my impression of Seth Meyers from SNL (and also Schneweis when he's really hammered): Really? You realllly thought Michigan St. was going to beat Carolina. Really. Even when Carolina beat Michigan St. earlier this year, in this very city, on this very floor, by 35 points? When Carolina hadn't had a game closer than 12 points the entire tournament? Really? When Carolina returned every major player from a Final Four team last year, whose only acceptable conclusion to this season was to win the title? Really.
- The game itself sucked. It was over by the second TV timeout, and every person on the planet knew it. Carolina knew it, MSU knew it, and the 278,000 MSU fans in Ford Field who were supposed to give MSU such a great home-court advantage knew it. I'm not sure if that's the real number of fans, I'm no mathemetician, I just know that I was pretty bored with hearing about that attendance record last night. Most fans to ever attend a Final Four game, did you hear?
- Here's one of the things I hate most about March Madness, and it happens often: when a shitty team (MSU in this example) ends KU's season, ruins my bracket, and just all around pisses me off....and then, when I finally DO want them to win, they all of a sudden play like I thought they would play 3 games ago. Thanks for beating UCONN and taking away any shot we had at an exciting national championship game. That was anybody's game for about 3 minutes there, it was pretty exciting.
- Good Ol' Roy is building a legacy now. Here was his legacy at KU: choker. Now he's at a school that pretty much recruits itself, and he's stockpiling national titles. So that's nice. (Not to say he was a bad recruiter at KU- he was phenomenal. But seriously, does Roy even have to go on recruiting trips and entice players to come to Chapel Hill? Or is he just accepting the best of the best, and turning the others away like Kristen Bell with Star Wars nerds at Comic-Con....hi-yoooooo! Baa-zing!)
- All the praise that Lawson, Ellington, and Green are getting for "coming back to school to win a national championship." Bullshit. Those three came back to school because they tested the NBA draft waters, found out they weren't getting drafted as high as they would like, and THEN came back. Give Hansbrough credit (gasp!) because he came back right away, before the other three had made up their minds. So he didn't even know if he had a great team this year or not- he just legitimately loved being at Carolina. But to pretend that the others came back because they loved college/wanted to win a national championship is just naive.
- I don't mean to take anything away from North Carolina here: they shot the ball extremely well and played pretty awesome basketball this month. But would it have been too much to ask for just ONE TEAM to step up and play even halfway decently against them? I don't have the numbers in front of me, and I'm no statitician, but Oklahoma started out like 1-19 on 3-pointers or something ridiculous like that. Ditto Villanova, with the added bonus that they couldn't make a layup, dunk, free throw, or any shot that game. And Michigan St. had about 1 turnover for every fan they had in Ford Field last night (411,000? Was that the number? It was a record crowd, you know.) And these turnovers/missed shots were rarely caused by Carolina's defense. Bottom line: teams just shit the bed against Carolina in the tournament this year.
- Finally, last night sucked because it was so inevitable. (Say this in the voice of the "O-face" guy from Office Space: "Hell, OBAMA picked them!") Ever since last June, when we found out that every player would be back for Carolina this year, and we knew that there was no other elite team this year in the entire NCAA, it was pretty obvious that Carolina would walk to the title. I hoped against hope that some crazy March Madness upset would derail this championship train (which really shouldn't be that insane of a wish- considering Roy got upset as a high seed with KU like EVERY OTHER YEAR) but alas, it was not to be. Carolina did indeed walk to the title. And that sucks.
In conclusion, I offer a half-hearted congratulations to all the Carolina fans out there. Seriously, it's hard work cheering for the most successful, most popular team in the country, and you should be commended for your loyalty. Plus, the baby blue argyle on their jerseys is SO sweet looking!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Why I'm Going To Miss Billy Packer Tonight
Quick rundown for the uninformed/uncaring: for the past 35 or so years, Billy Packer has been the lead color analyst for CBS college basketball, and he and play-by-play man Jim Nantz (the answer to the trivia question: who would I most want to be for one week of the year?) have talked me through every single Final Four I've ever watched. The vast majority of the American public couldn't stand Packer, but those voices weren't taken seriously until recently, as we as a country became firmly entrenched in the internet era, where everyone has an opinion- and it's usually negative.
During last year's Final Four game, with KU up 40-12 on Carolina (I swear this isn't just a lame excuse to bring this game up again...or is it?) Packer announced to the viewing audience: "This game.....is OVER." TV producers, and especially the companies paying millions for commercial time, obviously want as many as people watching as possible. So it's a major no-no to say something like that on-air (to say nothing of the fact that the game was NOT over, as Carolina went on a huge run and made a game of it again.) Anyways, the rumor was that CBS fired Packer over that comment he made, but the reality is that the writing had been on the wall for Packer for a few years now. It was only a matter of time until CBS finally gave in to the millions clamoring for Packer's head.
However, even though at times I have bitched about Packer, he will be missed tonight and Monday night, as I tune into my first Final Four ever that he doesn't provide the color commentary for. I know I'm solidly in the minority with this opinion, but here are my reasons for it:
1. Say what you will about Packer's snarky, grouchy, largely negative attitude (really my only beef with him) but you know what? He's usually right. He's had a couple of memorable gaffes: most famously in 2006, when he absolutely TORE INTO the selection committee on live TV, regarding the abundance of mid-majors making the tournament at the expense of BCS schools, in particular George Mason (who, in one big fuck you to both Packer and degenerate gamblers everywhere, became the first 11 seed to make the Final Four in history that year.)
But 95% of the time, Packer is dead on in his opinion. And when I'm watching basketball, I'm gonna choose to listen to an asshole who is usually right, over a pleasant guy who doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Every time.
2. Which segues nicely into the next point: Clark Kellogg is kind of an idiot. Sounds like a great guy, probably fun to have in the booth, I'd certainly want to be friends with him....but kind of an idiot. I used to like Kellogg as an announcer when I was a kid (mostly because at that age, I thought every black person on the planet was cool) but then they shipped to the studio with Greg Gumbel, and since his return to announcing, it appears he's lost his skills. He's almost painful to listen to. This is probably where I should mention that if CBS had chosen to replace Packer with my boy Bill Raftery, as opposed to Kellogg, then I would NOT be writing this post right now. Peace out, Packer. It's been real. Send it in Jerome!
3. The last few years, I think that Nantz and Packer have settled into a nice little comfort zone. Earlier in their run together, I felt like Nantz let Packer walk all over him. I know that play-by-play men aren't supposed to voice their opinions too much, and leave that to the color guy, but when Nantz would offer some analysis, Packer would usually disagree, and Nantz would either quickly backtrack and agree with Packer, or just say nothing more about the topic.
Somewhere along the line, Nantz finally sacked up. I can picture him straightening his tie in the mirror and dusting the shoulders of his impeccable suit jacket: "Who the hell does Billy Packer think he is? I'm Jim Fucking Nantz! I'm gonna be the lead broadcaster at the Masters next week! I used to be roommates with Fred Couples! I do football games with Phil Simms! I own many leather-bound books....my apartment smells of rich mahogany!"
Once he started standing up for himself, it made their on-air chemistry that much better, in my opinion. Packer is like one of those big egos who will respect you more if you don't back down to him. The last couple years, Nantz began openly questioning Packer's opinions, and it was wonderful.
After Packer's "This game is OVER" comment last year, right as they were breaking to commercial, Nantz tersely cut in "Is it?" and I can imagine (fantasize?) what transpired over that commercial break:
Nantz: What the fuck was that? We got sponsors to look out for here.
Packer: Do you SEE the scoreboard? It's over!
Nantz: You think I don't know that? But now I've gotta deal with producers screaming in my ear. Pepsi is so pissed I bet they've called the studio twice already!
Packer: I'm just calling it like I see it.
Nantz: Well, I'm happy for you, Bill, but I've got more things to worry about than just that. This is a professional business. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.
Packer: Jimmy, I'm sorry. I just-
Nantz: Save it, douchebag. We're back on in 5.
Annnnnnd scene.
4. My last reason is tradition. I'm a ridiculously nostalgic person, probably to a fault, and it'll just be sad watching the Final Four without Packer. I've grown quite accustomed to it. If CBS ever loses the broadcasting rights to the NCAA tournament, it could be an ugly scene. Picture me curled up on my bathroom floor, listening to the NCAA on CBS theme song on repeat on my iPod and softly weeping.
That....may not be an exaggeration.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
2009 All-Ugly Team
Last year's All-Ugly Team was hit pretty hard by graduation. The incomparable Lorenzo Mata-Real has moved on. The good news is that the 1-year waiting period was waived (by me) and he joined Joakim Noah, Shelden Williams, Mark Vershaw, Adam Morrison, James Augustine, the 2004 BYU starting five, and many others in the All-Ugly Hall of Fame, where he was immediately named captain. Shelden Williams was pissed, but understanding at the same time.
This year's team will be coached by John Calipari, because I think he has an ugly soul. Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2008-2009 All-Ugly Team:
The Bench:
Franklin Gutierrez, California: Troy Palamalu called, he wants his hair back. You can keep the ponytail holder, though
Kerwin Dunham, Northern Iowa: NERRRRRRRD!
Andy Rautins, Syracuse: nice fucking haircut
Eric Devendorf, Syracuse: nice neck tattoos, go beat up another girl in a bar
Luke Harangody, Notre Dame: I always thought that Rudy would be the nerdiest Notre Dame athlete ever, I was wrong
Luke Nevill, Utah: good call, Jenna
Nick Calathes, Florida: I was hoping to leave him off this year, but that acne is just NOT clearing up
And the starting five:
This year's team will be coached by John Calipari, because I think he has an ugly soul. Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2008-2009 All-Ugly Team:
The Bench:
Franklin Gutierrez, California: Troy Palamalu called, he wants his hair back. You can keep the ponytail holder, though
Kerwin Dunham, Northern Iowa: NERRRRRRRD!
Andy Rautins, Syracuse: nice fucking haircut
Eric Devendorf, Syracuse: nice neck tattoos, go beat up another girl in a bar
Luke Harangody, Notre Dame: I always thought that Rudy would be the nerdiest Notre Dame athlete ever, I was wrong
Luke Nevill, Utah: good call, Jenna
Nick Calathes, Florida: I was hoping to leave him off this year, but that acne is just NOT clearing up
And the starting five:
Kyle Singler, Duke. I had him on the bench last year, and personally I felt that he needed one more year before he was ready to crack the starting five. However, I took into consideration that like 25-30 people a week find this blog by googling some variation of "kyle singler ugly" and I am nothing if not a man of the people. So into the starting five he goes.
Esmir Rizvic, Texas Tech. The lone returning starter from last year.
BJ Mullens, Ohio St. A late addition, mostly due to the mexi-stache he grew this year. I think Noles had a better goatee than that before he could do long division.
Bryan Davis, Texas A&M. Has a head shaped like a brontosaurus. Or a brachiosaurus. Which one has the blowhole on top of their head? Is it even a blowhole, or nostrils, or what? I can't remember, I dropped Dinosaurs 101 a week into my freshman year cause I heard the final was tough.
Corey Fisher, Villanova. Like Shelden Williams had a kid with Corky.
And thus concludes our All-Ugly Team. But while we're here, I would be remiss if I didn't point out this similarity that Noles brought up a couple months ago (one of those things where once you see it, you can't believe you didn't notice it before.) James Harden of Arizona St. is totally the black version of Schultzy. He must get his haircut at the Schultz School of Beauty, whose motto is "We'll Give You a Shaved Head, Trimmed Sideburns, and Slightly Unruly Beard- or Your Money Back!"
Damn that picture is money. They have the same facial expression and everything. I mean, it's no Horp/Jon Scheyer situation or anything, but it's still uncanny.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Golden Eras
Thinking about the flood, and the time period directly afterwards that was a "Golden Era" in my life, got me thinking about other Golden Eras- times in my life that I look back on very fondly for whatever reason (mostly drinking, sports, or Star Wars.) Without further ado:
April 1999- June 1999: No particular reason, sophomore year of high school was just kinda awesome. My classes were cakewalks, I had recently purchased my first car, and my biological father Chris Dudley led the New York Knicks to the NBA Finals as an 8 seed. Plus the day that Star Wars Episode I came out in theaters remains one of the top 10 most fun days of my life, and probably deserves its own post at some point. Long story short: a bunch of us ditched out of school to wait in line all day, and we ended up throwing an impromptu party on the Midco 10 front lawn. How a group of 25 sixteen-year-olds drinking, smoking, grilling burgers, and generally causing a ruckus didn't get busted is beyond me.
June 2001- September 2001: The entire year starting from here until Summer of 2002 was probably the best year of my life, but I split it into three distinct sections. This stretch was great because Ike and Jake became the first of our friends to move out and get their own apartment, so naturally we got drunk over there around 75 days in a row until we moved into the dorms. I also took my first real road trip, going out to Seattle and Portland for about a week. It was nothing short of magical. On the drive home I got my first taste of Red Bull, and subsequently drove straight from Portland all the way to Bismarck, until a large breakfast at a diner almost put me to sleep at the wheel and derailed my dream of driving the whole way by myself.
September 2001- May 2002: freshman year of college. So many shenanigans. So many girls. So many beers. So many laughs. Despite the fact that we incorporated drinking into almost every aspect of our life during this era (kickball in the quad, writing papers, night classes, morning classes on occasion- holla at me Kos) my only regret is that we didn't drink more.
May 2002- August 2002: the beginning of the Culligan Manor Era. No need to elaborate further.
October 2004: pretty simple- the Red Sox ran through the playoffs and I experienced "my" first championship, which was every bit as awesome as I imagined it growing up. It would've been a little better if they would've waited until Game 5 in St. Louis, so Dunph and I would've been in attendance, but watching them clinch in a riverboat casino in Sioux City (and subsequently learning how to play craps and losing all my ticket money, food money, merchandise money, and a couple hundo extra to boot) was pretty awesome too.
March 2005- June 2005: first, Noles, Fundy, Paul and I took a fantastic road trip to Chicago, Lousiville, and Indianapolis- which I could absolutely write a book about. You want to talk about running the gamut of emotions: The night at Howl at the Moon in L'ville (which included Schne and JV) is one of my top 5 greatest nights of my life; and yet, just three nights later, I was sleeping on a bridge in Indianapolis after KU lost to Bucknell and I had the girl I was dancing with at a club stolen away from me by none other than Ron Artest.
Besides that road trip, I took a trip to Augusta and went to The Masters with Bergman, and even though I have two disposable cameras worth of pictures, I still have to convince myself I was actually there. I don't like to throw around the term "breakthaking" very often, but it was breathtaking.
During this era, there seemed to be a fantastic run of parties, maybe because a lot of my friends were graduating (at least the ones who actually decided to graduate in four years) and people were going balls-out before they moved on. I also had an unprecedented run with gettin' some strange (earmuffs Alex) which I also attributed to the impending graduation. Knowing that you will be moving out of town in a matter of months is nature's best afrodisiac, and I took full advantage.
I also accomplished one of my lifelong dreams by drinking for 24 hours straight on Springfest, from 6 am to 6 am, with only a 19 minute nap and a few makeout sessions in between (20 minute naps were against the rules, and the guy who sat behind me in World Geography class wouldn't let me go further than 2nd base- what a tease.) The last Star Wars movie also came out, which not only gives me a warm feeling inside, but eliminates any possible cool-guy credibility that this paragraph might have given me at the beginning.
March 2008- May 2008: Obviously. I also included May, however, because of my first Kentucky Derby trip and the Las Vegas trip, which were both shitshows for the ages.
April 1999- June 1999: No particular reason, sophomore year of high school was just kinda awesome. My classes were cakewalks, I had recently purchased my first car, and my biological father Chris Dudley led the New York Knicks to the NBA Finals as an 8 seed. Plus the day that Star Wars Episode I came out in theaters remains one of the top 10 most fun days of my life, and probably deserves its own post at some point. Long story short: a bunch of us ditched out of school to wait in line all day, and we ended up throwing an impromptu party on the Midco 10 front lawn. How a group of 25 sixteen-year-olds drinking, smoking, grilling burgers, and generally causing a ruckus didn't get busted is beyond me.
June 2001- September 2001: The entire year starting from here until Summer of 2002 was probably the best year of my life, but I split it into three distinct sections. This stretch was great because Ike and Jake became the first of our friends to move out and get their own apartment, so naturally we got drunk over there around 75 days in a row until we moved into the dorms. I also took my first real road trip, going out to Seattle and Portland for about a week. It was nothing short of magical. On the drive home I got my first taste of Red Bull, and subsequently drove straight from Portland all the way to Bismarck, until a large breakfast at a diner almost put me to sleep at the wheel and derailed my dream of driving the whole way by myself.
September 2001- May 2002: freshman year of college. So many shenanigans. So many girls. So many beers. So many laughs. Despite the fact that we incorporated drinking into almost every aspect of our life during this era (kickball in the quad, writing papers, night classes, morning classes on occasion- holla at me Kos) my only regret is that we didn't drink more.
May 2002- August 2002: the beginning of the Culligan Manor Era. No need to elaborate further.
October 2004: pretty simple- the Red Sox ran through the playoffs and I experienced "my" first championship, which was every bit as awesome as I imagined it growing up. It would've been a little better if they would've waited until Game 5 in St. Louis, so Dunph and I would've been in attendance, but watching them clinch in a riverboat casino in Sioux City (and subsequently learning how to play craps and losing all my ticket money, food money, merchandise money, and a couple hundo extra to boot) was pretty awesome too.
March 2005- June 2005: first, Noles, Fundy, Paul and I took a fantastic road trip to Chicago, Lousiville, and Indianapolis- which I could absolutely write a book about. You want to talk about running the gamut of emotions: The night at Howl at the Moon in L'ville (which included Schne and JV) is one of my top 5 greatest nights of my life; and yet, just three nights later, I was sleeping on a bridge in Indianapolis after KU lost to Bucknell and I had the girl I was dancing with at a club stolen away from me by none other than Ron Artest.
Besides that road trip, I took a trip to Augusta and went to The Masters with Bergman, and even though I have two disposable cameras worth of pictures, I still have to convince myself I was actually there. I don't like to throw around the term "breakthaking" very often, but it was breathtaking.
During this era, there seemed to be a fantastic run of parties, maybe because a lot of my friends were graduating (at least the ones who actually decided to graduate in four years) and people were going balls-out before they moved on. I also had an unprecedented run with gettin' some strange (earmuffs Alex) which I also attributed to the impending graduation. Knowing that you will be moving out of town in a matter of months is nature's best afrodisiac, and I took full advantage.
I also accomplished one of my lifelong dreams by drinking for 24 hours straight on Springfest, from 6 am to 6 am, with only a 19 minute nap and a few makeout sessions in between (20 minute naps were against the rules, and the guy who sat behind me in World Geography class wouldn't let me go further than 2nd base- what a tease.) The last Star Wars movie also came out, which not only gives me a warm feeling inside, but eliminates any possible cool-guy credibility that this paragraph might have given me at the beginning.
March 2008- May 2008: Obviously. I also included May, however, because of my first Kentucky Derby trip and the Las Vegas trip, which were both shitshows for the ages.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Mourning Period
This has been, without a doubt, the best I have handled a KU tournament loss in my lifetime. I had my little half hour "cool down" period, where I flushed all calls and texties, and then spent a little bit of time bitching and moaning about the missed opportunities down the stretch. And then I moved on. It was definitely a tough loss to finish the season, giving away a 5 point lead with three minutes left, but there are plenty of reasons why I should stay positive:
- KU won the title last year. That should be a good enough reason by itself, but if there's one thing I'm good at, it's writing about college basketball for 10,000 words, when 3,000 would suffice. If there's two things I'm good at, it's that- and hitting on moms. So I'll continue.
- KU had no business even making it to the Sweet 16. Looking at KU's roster at the beginning of the year, my only hope was that they didn't pull a Florida and miss the tourney. When they survived the NDSU game, the season was a success as far as I'm concerned. Bill Self deserves every coach of the year award he wins this year.
- If your team has a fatal flaw, and their season eventually hinges on that fatal flaw, you gotta accept that the season probably isn't going to end well. For KU, that would be a lack of support besides Aldrich and Collins. Going into halftime I was concerned, because Tom Izzo is too good of a coach not to make adjustments to make those two less of a factor. Michigan St. was totally keying on them towards the end of the game, and no one else was willing to go and make a big play. The one negative thing I can say about this team was that the young guys really regressed in the tournament. They seemed like they were out there just trying not to screw up, instead of being aggressive. However....
- This is a very young team, and everyone's coming back a year older, better, and hungrier. I think Tyshawn Taylor is gonna be a special player by the time he's done....the jury is still out on the Morris twins. And how about my boy Brady Morningstar throwing down TWO dunks in one half? Those were, in all likelihood, the first two dunks of his career. He tried throwing one down against Missouri earlier this year and missed horribly, so during the first breakaway last night, I was understandably nervous. My running commentary got laughs from everyone watching the game with me: "Lay it in Brady, lay it in Brady, just lay- AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH throw it down!!!!!" They were laughing at me, not with me.
- There is a decent recruiting class coming in next year. I don't expect much from Elijah Johnson, mostly since he's a point guard and we already have Tyshawn, but Thomas Robinson is supposed to be a rebounding beast who'll hopefully rub off on the Morris twins, who react to physical contact about as favorably as the random girl I sat next to on a flight to Vegas, when she woke up to find me gazing into her eyes, gently stroking her cheek and whispering "You're beautiful when you're sleeping."
Plus Self picked up Jeff Withey, a seven-foot transfer from Arizona, and the word on the street is that Lance Stephenson, the #9 rated recruit in the country, is announcing on Wednesday that he's coming to KU. Normally I would be worried about him cutting into Brady's minutes next year, but it seems that the only guy who has a bigger boner for Brady than me is Bill Self. You know Brady's gonna get his, son.
- And finally, IF Aldrich and Collins come back: look out. KU then wouldn't lose anybody except two walk-on scrubs- although there would be a noticeable lack of a goofy redhead at the end of the bench, an underappreciated roster spot if there ever was one, and a KU staple ever since the days of Ol' Roy. Reading between the lines of all of Collins' and Aldrich's quotes (which I spend an embarrassing amount of time doing- I pick apart their interviews like a prosecuting attorney looking for holes in a murder trial) I would guess that Aldrich is staying, and Collins is leaving. This makes little sense, since Aldrich is a guaranteed top 10 pick, while Collins would be a 2nd rounder, if he gets drafted at all. But Aldrich is one of those Hansbrough types who loves being in college, while Collins has a two-year-old son and some baby mama drama to worry about, so he's itching to get paid in the shade. However, both have said that they will put their decisions in Self's hands, so I'm holding out hope that they both stick around and make KU a preseason top 5 team next year. It's tough; for the first seventeen years of my KU fandom, exactly two players left school early for the NBA (Pierce and Gooden.) Now there have been four in the last two years (Julian, Rush, Chalmers, and Arthur.)
Other tourney thoughts:
- Poor Dick Enberg is absolutely losing it. Normally I hate it when announcers who have been announcing game since I started watching sports retire (I still miss Pat Summerall, especially in the Madden video games) but it's time for Dick to hang it up. He messes up names, numbers, scores, fouls, etc. around 25-30 times a game, and that is probably a low estimate. If you are paying attention to the game, he literally cannot go three possessions in a row without mixing someone up. I'm waiting for the day where Jay Bilas snaps on air and starts doing both the play-by-play and the color by himself (similar to when Dunph, already playing shorthanded, kicked Stenejehm off the court during a 3-on-3 game, telling him he'd rather play by himself than on the same team as him.)
- Happiest guy on the planet today: Reggie Redding from Villanova, who apparently had a brain aneurysm during the inbounds play and unnecessarily launched the ball the length of the court with 10 seconds left. What the hell was he thinking? You know that play was dumb when it gets second-guessed by Alex, the same girl who calls DeJuan Blair "Mr. Arm-Band Man" as in "You are not very good at free throws, Mr. Arm-Band Man! You're ruining my bracket!"
But Scottie Reynolds hits the buzzer beater, and now nobody will remember his mistake. Except for his buddies, who 10 years from now will hopefully be sitting around watching the tourney and drinking some beers with him and saying things like "Hey, remember that one time when you were 10 seconds away from making the Final Four and you decided to recreate the Grant Hill/Christian Laettner play? That was awesome."
- I've always loved Bill Raftery as an announcer, but since I found out that Jud loves him as much as I do, we've taken the joke to another level this year. We spent most of Stoutsapaloozafestathon speaking in a Raftery voice "Ohhh! Bring on another round of goldschlager forthebigfella!"....."Wing paying his $140 tab in cash? Onions!" And now Jud and I have taken to calling our home base bar "Raftery's" or "Raffy's" because we're convinced that he'd love to get sauced there. We spent a solid 15 minutes last night debating how we could persuade him to start doing Big 12 games on ESPN, so we could take him out boozing after a Big Monday game.
{Side story: Jud's buddy Ryan has done some PR work for ESPN in the past, and one time got to sit down for dinner with a couple other scrubs, some producers, and Raftery, Jay Bilas, and Sean McDonough. After dinner, Ryan and the others were going to leave, thinking they were "intruding" on the bigwigs' social time, but Raftery instructed them to sit down, and proceeded to get everyone at the table shitfaced. As the evening wore on, Raftery started busting McDonough's balls and telling him to pick up the tab, to the point where a producer told Raftery to ease off, which caused Bilas to join in, and McDonough eventually left the table to go to his hotel room. So then Raftery and Bilas continue to talk shit about McDonough, revealing that they're not just breaking balls, they honestly don't like him. They also made accusations that he was not a real basketball fan, and gay to boot. So keep that in mind next time you're watching Louisville vs. Georgetown on Big Monday and those three are announcing together. Personally, I can't wait.}
- I said it before the tourney started (and for 4 months before that) but I'll reiterate: tomorrow's North Carolina/Oklahoma game is the national championship in my mind. It's too bad that injuries derailed Oklahoma into a 2 seed in Carolina's bracket, because this would've made one hell of a championship game.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch last year's national championship game for the 26th time. Maybe the semifinal game against Carolina too. I don't know, I don't know if I'll have enough time.
- KU won the title last year. That should be a good enough reason by itself, but if there's one thing I'm good at, it's writing about college basketball for 10,000 words, when 3,000 would suffice. If there's two things I'm good at, it's that- and hitting on moms. So I'll continue.
- KU had no business even making it to the Sweet 16. Looking at KU's roster at the beginning of the year, my only hope was that they didn't pull a Florida and miss the tourney. When they survived the NDSU game, the season was a success as far as I'm concerned. Bill Self deserves every coach of the year award he wins this year.
- If your team has a fatal flaw, and their season eventually hinges on that fatal flaw, you gotta accept that the season probably isn't going to end well. For KU, that would be a lack of support besides Aldrich and Collins. Going into halftime I was concerned, because Tom Izzo is too good of a coach not to make adjustments to make those two less of a factor. Michigan St. was totally keying on them towards the end of the game, and no one else was willing to go and make a big play. The one negative thing I can say about this team was that the young guys really regressed in the tournament. They seemed like they were out there just trying not to screw up, instead of being aggressive. However....
- This is a very young team, and everyone's coming back a year older, better, and hungrier. I think Tyshawn Taylor is gonna be a special player by the time he's done....the jury is still out on the Morris twins. And how about my boy Brady Morningstar throwing down TWO dunks in one half? Those were, in all likelihood, the first two dunks of his career. He tried throwing one down against Missouri earlier this year and missed horribly, so during the first breakaway last night, I was understandably nervous. My running commentary got laughs from everyone watching the game with me: "Lay it in Brady, lay it in Brady, just lay- AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH throw it down!!!!!" They were laughing at me, not with me.
- There is a decent recruiting class coming in next year. I don't expect much from Elijah Johnson, mostly since he's a point guard and we already have Tyshawn, but Thomas Robinson is supposed to be a rebounding beast who'll hopefully rub off on the Morris twins, who react to physical contact about as favorably as the random girl I sat next to on a flight to Vegas, when she woke up to find me gazing into her eyes, gently stroking her cheek and whispering "You're beautiful when you're sleeping."
Plus Self picked up Jeff Withey, a seven-foot transfer from Arizona, and the word on the street is that Lance Stephenson, the #9 rated recruit in the country, is announcing on Wednesday that he's coming to KU. Normally I would be worried about him cutting into Brady's minutes next year, but it seems that the only guy who has a bigger boner for Brady than me is Bill Self. You know Brady's gonna get his, son.
- And finally, IF Aldrich and Collins come back: look out. KU then wouldn't lose anybody except two walk-on scrubs- although there would be a noticeable lack of a goofy redhead at the end of the bench, an underappreciated roster spot if there ever was one, and a KU staple ever since the days of Ol' Roy. Reading between the lines of all of Collins' and Aldrich's quotes (which I spend an embarrassing amount of time doing- I pick apart their interviews like a prosecuting attorney looking for holes in a murder trial) I would guess that Aldrich is staying, and Collins is leaving. This makes little sense, since Aldrich is a guaranteed top 10 pick, while Collins would be a 2nd rounder, if he gets drafted at all. But Aldrich is one of those Hansbrough types who loves being in college, while Collins has a two-year-old son and some baby mama drama to worry about, so he's itching to get paid in the shade. However, both have said that they will put their decisions in Self's hands, so I'm holding out hope that they both stick around and make KU a preseason top 5 team next year. It's tough; for the first seventeen years of my KU fandom, exactly two players left school early for the NBA (Pierce and Gooden.) Now there have been four in the last two years (Julian, Rush, Chalmers, and Arthur.)
Other tourney thoughts:
- Poor Dick Enberg is absolutely losing it. Normally I hate it when announcers who have been announcing game since I started watching sports retire (I still miss Pat Summerall, especially in the Madden video games) but it's time for Dick to hang it up. He messes up names, numbers, scores, fouls, etc. around 25-30 times a game, and that is probably a low estimate. If you are paying attention to the game, he literally cannot go three possessions in a row without mixing someone up. I'm waiting for the day where Jay Bilas snaps on air and starts doing both the play-by-play and the color by himself (similar to when Dunph, already playing shorthanded, kicked Stenejehm off the court during a 3-on-3 game, telling him he'd rather play by himself than on the same team as him.)
- Happiest guy on the planet today: Reggie Redding from Villanova, who apparently had a brain aneurysm during the inbounds play and unnecessarily launched the ball the length of the court with 10 seconds left. What the hell was he thinking? You know that play was dumb when it gets second-guessed by Alex, the same girl who calls DeJuan Blair "Mr. Arm-Band Man" as in "You are not very good at free throws, Mr. Arm-Band Man! You're ruining my bracket!"
But Scottie Reynolds hits the buzzer beater, and now nobody will remember his mistake. Except for his buddies, who 10 years from now will hopefully be sitting around watching the tourney and drinking some beers with him and saying things like "Hey, remember that one time when you were 10 seconds away from making the Final Four and you decided to recreate the Grant Hill/Christian Laettner play? That was awesome."
- I've always loved Bill Raftery as an announcer, but since I found out that Jud loves him as much as I do, we've taken the joke to another level this year. We spent most of Stoutsapaloozafestathon speaking in a Raftery voice "Ohhh! Bring on another round of goldschlager forthebigfella!"....."Wing paying his $140 tab in cash? Onions!" And now Jud and I have taken to calling our home base bar "Raftery's" or "Raffy's" because we're convinced that he'd love to get sauced there. We spent a solid 15 minutes last night debating how we could persuade him to start doing Big 12 games on ESPN, so we could take him out boozing after a Big Monday game.
{Side story: Jud's buddy Ryan has done some PR work for ESPN in the past, and one time got to sit down for dinner with a couple other scrubs, some producers, and Raftery, Jay Bilas, and Sean McDonough. After dinner, Ryan and the others were going to leave, thinking they were "intruding" on the bigwigs' social time, but Raftery instructed them to sit down, and proceeded to get everyone at the table shitfaced. As the evening wore on, Raftery started busting McDonough's balls and telling him to pick up the tab, to the point where a producer told Raftery to ease off, which caused Bilas to join in, and McDonough eventually left the table to go to his hotel room. So then Raftery and Bilas continue to talk shit about McDonough, revealing that they're not just breaking balls, they honestly don't like him. They also made accusations that he was not a real basketball fan, and gay to boot. So keep that in mind next time you're watching Louisville vs. Georgetown on Big Monday and those three are announcing together. Personally, I can't wait.}
- I said it before the tourney started (and for 4 months before that) but I'll reiterate: tomorrow's North Carolina/Oklahoma game is the national championship in my mind. It's too bad that injuries derailed Oklahoma into a 2 seed in Carolina's bracket, because this would've made one hell of a championship game.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch last year's national championship game for the 26th time. Maybe the semifinal game against Carolina too. I don't know, I don't know if I'll have enough time.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
The 'Flood Of The Century' Can't Happen Twice in 12 Years
Once again, in what seems like almost a yearly tradition, the flood situation is escalating quickly in good ol' North Dakota, my hometown, the motherland-
"Cradle of fuckin' civilization!" -sorry, that is totally hit or miss. If you've seen the Black Bush skit from Chappelle Show, you're probably laughing. Not quite LOLing, I don't like to throw that term around very often, but at least smilling. If you have no idea who that guy is, go watch the skit, bitches.
For all the non-Nodaks reading right now, you might want to give this a read, as there will be many references to it throughout this post. It won't count towards your final grade, though, so a quick once-over will suffice.
When I lived up north, this was the kind of thing I bitched about, how seemingly every year the media would start mashing the panic button as soon as the snow started melting, successfully getting everyone worried...and then the river would crest, a repeat of 1997 would be averted, and you got pissed for getting concerned in the first place.
However, this year the threat is very real. Although my parents' house SHOULD be safe this time around, and Grand Forks is in better shape than Fargo (a role reversal from 1997) the fact remains that the river is in the backyard of my dad's office, and only a British Open par 5 from Culligan Manor. If this new multi-million dollar dike isn't up to the task, once again many people I care about are gonna be effed, big-time- especially considering I have a bunch of friends living in Fargo these days.
I've been getting mildly sick to my stomach thinking about the possibility of 1997 happening again. Partly because I'm older now, so I actually realize the ramifications of a flood occurring; and partly because I live 700 miles away now, and immersed in the dog days of tax season, so helping out is not feasible and I feel guilty.
The first time around, I was 14, and I remember that we didn't take the possibility of a flood seriously, and sandbagging was basically an excuse to get out of class:
"Dude, I heard that Skinner's english quiz is a real grizzly bear, and I totally didn't study. If I fail that thing, I'm screwed!"
"Fucking prepositional phrases! Well screw it, let's go fill sandbags for a couple hours, our parents will sign notes for that."
"Nice thinking...I'll try and swipe some half-smoked cigars from my dad's ashtray, we'll smoke them in the park across from Sandbag Central."
(Side note: how much more annoying would we have been if Wedding Crashers had already been released back then? I probably would've said "You sandbagging son of a bitch!" approximately 32 times. Per day.)
On the day that things stopped being polite and started getting real, my buddy TJ and I happened to be at Sandbag Central, when a guy got on the loudspeaker and announced that a number of neighborhoods were being evacuated (including his house) and we actually high-fived, because we figured he would just crash at my place for a few days and it would be awesome. Sleepover, dude. Bring your EA 4-way Play.
Our parents, obviously having a better grasp on the situation, quickly shot that down, and the next day the shit really hit the fan, and MY neighborhood was being evacuated, despite being miles from the river. Bummer, man. Soooo can I still borrow your 4-way Play? I might want to fire up some Live '95 while we're evacuated.
A few weeks later, after we were let back into town and saw what the river did to our house, I got my first glimpse of my parents being 'real.' Cracks in their facade, if you will. I had never actually seen my parents, my mom in particular, being legitmately distraught, and it rattled me a bit. I think this memory is responsible for at least 70% of the pit in my stomach when I think of the possibility of another flood.
But it wasn't all gloom and doom after that; in fact, that summer, in my mind, became one of the "Golden Eras" of my life, that I remember very fondly. We spent 12-14 hours a day gutting and rebuilding our basements (although in my case, I use that term very loosely. Pretty much all I did was haul shit out to the curb. Meanwhile, my brother, two years my junior and a sixth grader at the time, was using power tools and helping my dad make important decisions. However, I could name the starting five of all 64 teams in the NCAA tournament that year. So I had that going for me, which was nice. On a scale of 1-10, my dad's disappointment in me has to rate at least a 7.5. Minimum.)
As a result/reward of this responsibility being thrown on us at that age, most of our parents kind of let us run wild at night. This may not have been a big deal to some of my friends, but my parents were far and away the most strict, and they loosened up to the point where I had no curfew (although that would've come to a quick and painful end if they had known we were still snagging Dutch Masters from time to time.) It wasn't a bad routine: work hard all day, chill out and catch the 11:05 pm episode of The Simpsons, and gather for a midnight pickup basketball game under the lights, while comparing horror stories about our houses. Lather, rinse, repeat. Golden Era.
Anyways, things eventually turned out OK, and the city rebuilt, and now it's much, much nicer than it ever was before. But it would suck if it got demolished again by this dipshit river that decides to flow north. Good luck to everyone up north.
You sandbagging sons of bitches.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Stoutsapaloozafestathon
Last year, during one of the nights of opening round March Madness games, Jud, Wing, Kyle, and I went to JB Stouts. When the evening began, the plan was to eat dinner, have a couple beers, watch a round of games, and then head home to watch the late games. I even had my tab in front of me and the pen in my hand to sign off, when I uttered the famous words "Ahhh screw it- I'll have one more." I re-opened my tab, and of course everyone knows what happens next: all of a sudden it's 2 in the morning, my tab went from $18 to $73, and I'm wondering if I can make it home before I puke, or if I should swallow my pride and do it here at the bar. Just a legen...wait for it....dary night, and we immediately vowed to each other that we would keep that tradition going the next year. Which we did on Friday night.
And now, after the 2nd annual Stoutsapaloozafestathon (the name I came up with over the course of the night, after I decided that Stoutsapalooza wasn't good enough, so I added fest to it, and then later....you get it) it is quickly becoming one of my favorite days of the year. We bet on random in-game situations (when exactly will the under-12 TV timeout occur? Where is Siena located? Who will score next for Louisville?) and the person whose answer was furthest away paid for the next round of shots. I ended up taking more shots than any single night since my power hour, on top of all my beer and nachos (the bartender asked me if had a tapeworm because I ate so much and continued talking about how hungry I was....booyeah.) We added a couple newcomers, Chris and Nate, and after about 20 minutes of the madness they had already given their verbal agreement for next year.
After tourney games were done, a bunch of us headed back to Willie's, the scene of JukeboxGate 2009 from a week earlier. As luck would have it, the bartender from that story was bellied up as a customer, and as an added kicker, it turns out that she is friends with Wing. So we talked for awhile, and shared a good laugh at my blacked-out shenanigans and buried the hatchet (although she wasn't really that pissed at me to begin with- after her initial annoyance, she thought it was pretty funny, actually.)
After we talked, I went over to the jukebox and played 'Shake Your Body Down' again, just to see her reaction (and because it is still a kick-ass song.) She busted out laughing and I gave her a wink and the gun. I followed that up with about six other Michael Jackson songs, and later got a compliment from some random girls for single-handedly changing the vibe in the bar, which up to that point had been more of a Waylon Jennings/Johnny Cash "I've been here since 10 a.m., I've had 27 Old Milwaukees, and as soon as I finish this one I'm gonna go home and start a fistfight with my wife" vibe.
Moral of the story: I may be an asshole when I'm blacked out; but I'm witty, charming, and basically irresistible to all women when I'm socially drunk....at least that's what I tell myself as I'm laying in bed at 4 am, right before I fall asleep. Although it's kind of stretch to call it falling asleep- it's more like passing out.
And oh yeah, Stoutsapaloozafestathon is awesome.
And now, after the 2nd annual Stoutsapaloozafestathon (the name I came up with over the course of the night, after I decided that Stoutsapalooza wasn't good enough, so I added fest to it, and then later....you get it) it is quickly becoming one of my favorite days of the year. We bet on random in-game situations (when exactly will the under-12 TV timeout occur? Where is Siena located? Who will score next for Louisville?) and the person whose answer was furthest away paid for the next round of shots. I ended up taking more shots than any single night since my power hour, on top of all my beer and nachos (the bartender asked me if had a tapeworm because I ate so much and continued talking about how hungry I was....booyeah.) We added a couple newcomers, Chris and Nate, and after about 20 minutes of the madness they had already given their verbal agreement for next year.
After tourney games were done, a bunch of us headed back to Willie's, the scene of JukeboxGate 2009 from a week earlier. As luck would have it, the bartender from that story was bellied up as a customer, and as an added kicker, it turns out that she is friends with Wing. So we talked for awhile, and shared a good laugh at my blacked-out shenanigans and buried the hatchet (although she wasn't really that pissed at me to begin with- after her initial annoyance, she thought it was pretty funny, actually.)
After we talked, I went over to the jukebox and played 'Shake Your Body Down' again, just to see her reaction (and because it is still a kick-ass song.) She busted out laughing and I gave her a wink and the gun. I followed that up with about six other Michael Jackson songs, and later got a compliment from some random girls for single-handedly changing the vibe in the bar, which up to that point had been more of a Waylon Jennings/Johnny Cash "I've been here since 10 a.m., I've had 27 Old Milwaukees, and as soon as I finish this one I'm gonna go home and start a fistfight with my wife" vibe.
Moral of the story: I may be an asshole when I'm blacked out; but I'm witty, charming, and basically irresistible to all women when I'm socially drunk....at least that's what I tell myself as I'm laying in bed at 4 am, right before I fall asleep. Although it's kind of stretch to call it falling asleep- it's more like passing out.
And oh yeah, Stoutsapaloozafestathon is awesome.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
My Friends
My intercom buzzes, and the receptionist says: "Jim? There's a Ben Woodside for you on line 1..."
I successfully stifle my laughter, debate whether I should have her send the caller to voicemail, and finally compose myself and pick up the line: "This is Jim."
Accompanied by someone who strangely resembles Noles giggling in the background, I hear a voice that sounds suspiciously like Fundy: "Hey, uhhhh....this is Ben Woodside...uhhh...you're goin' down tomorrow!"
I suppose this is what I get for working on the opening day of March Madness (Dunph when I told you that I was at the Sprint Center, in the 7th row behind Memphis' bench, that was a dirty lie and I'm sorry- Lane and Jud made me do it)...but still, giving out my work phone number was EASILY the dumbest thing I've done so far in 2009. Well, there was the time I accidentally overdosed on allergy medicine and tried to fistfight a dog outside a gas station because I thought it called me a racial slur....so maybe this is the second dumbest thing I've done in 2009.
I hope everyone is enjoying the greatest day of the year. Please no more prank calls at work, even if it's 1:30 in the afternoon and you're already six beers deep and you think it sounds like an AWESOME idea.
I successfully stifle my laughter, debate whether I should have her send the caller to voicemail, and finally compose myself and pick up the line: "This is Jim."
Accompanied by someone who strangely resembles Noles giggling in the background, I hear a voice that sounds suspiciously like Fundy: "Hey, uhhhh....this is Ben Woodside...uhhh...you're goin' down tomorrow!"
I suppose this is what I get for working on the opening day of March Madness (Dunph when I told you that I was at the Sprint Center, in the 7th row behind Memphis' bench, that was a dirty lie and I'm sorry- Lane and Jud made me do it)...but still, giving out my work phone number was EASILY the dumbest thing I've done so far in 2009. Well, there was the time I accidentally overdosed on allergy medicine and tried to fistfight a dog outside a gas station because I thought it called me a racial slur....so maybe this is the second dumbest thing I've done in 2009.
I hope everyone is enjoying the greatest day of the year. Please no more prank calls at work, even if it's 1:30 in the afternoon and you're already six beers deep and you think it sounds like an AWESOME idea.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
March Madness Thoughts
>> I think that if KU can get out of the first round, they have a chance to make a run. KU getting that matchup with NDSU was so predictable it was stupid. The March Madness Gods would like nothing more than for KU to lose that game. After I get bragging rights from the title last year, what better way to knock me back down to Earth than losing to NDSU, the first time they're ever in the tourney. Why do you think that NDSU is the first 14 seed to have FUCKING HOME COURT ADVANTAGE IN THE FIRST ROUND? If that's not the March Madness Gods at work, then I don't know what is. I think I'm more scared of NDSU than Michigan St., if that makes any sense. I suppose these are the residual scars left from the Bucknell/Bradley disasters...scars that not even a national championship can heal. Holy F, if KU loses to NDSU....I don't want to talk about it anymore.***
>> As much as I hate to say it, I think North Carolina has a good chance to walk to the title. I thought before the year that they had a chance to go undefeated, and obviously that didn't happen, as a combination of injuries and underachieving cost them a couple of wins. If Ty Lawson is healthy, even without Marcus Ginyard, this is the most talented team BY FAR. My only hope is that Ol' Roy does what he likes to do when he has ridiculously talented teams: choke. At least one thing's for sure...he'll cry at the post-game press conference.
>> After Carolina, I don't really think there's a great team anywhere else in the field. It's a far cry from last year, when all four 1 seeds were legitimately great teams. All the other top seeds this year are extremely flawed (I do really like Oklahoma, so it figures that they are in the same region as Carolina. That has been my championship game since early December.) So, one would think that this would be a crazy, upset-filled tourney, a la 2006....the only problem is, I don't think many of the mid-to-lower seeds are that great either. So basically I have no idea what to do with these brackets (particularly the Midwest, where I think Louisville, Michigan St., and KU are all begging to be upset....but by who?)
>> Teams that could win a couple games, but I'm probably too scared to pick: Texas, USC, Ohio St./Siena, and Western Kentucky.
>> Teams that could win a bunch of games, but I'm probably too scared to pick: Purdue, Wake Forest, UCLA, FSU, West Virginia.
>> Teams that I don't like as much as most other people, for no good reason: Villanova, Memphis, Louisville, Michigan St.
>> Teams that I like more than other people, for no good reason: Purdue, Oklahoma, FSU, Ohio St.
>> Potential matchups that I really want to see:
- Carolina/Oklahoma (for my money, the two best teams in the country when they're healthy)
- Missouri/Memphis (would be a wild, wild game between the two teams I hate the most)
- Duke/VCU (Greg Paulus' worst nightmare....nevermind, Paulus doesn't play anymore)
- KU/West Virginia (only because this would mean that KU got out of the first round. I really can't stress enough how scared I am of this game. If KU wins by 20, then you can all have a good laugh at my expense for being so worried; but until then, I'm preparing for the worst.)
>> It's official, I have a new least favorite team: Memphis. Not Duke, not Missouri, not Carolina, not Tupac's team in the All-City Shootout from Above the Rim that punches people during games and shoots them after losses. I think John Calipari is pretty much the antichrist. I'm tired of hearing him whine and bitch all the time about not getting respect; I'm tired of him saying that Conference USA is good when it is AN INDISPUTABLE FACT that it is awful; I'm tired of him getting every stud recruit every year (he's already got the #2 and 3 recruits next year, and there's a good shot he gets #1. That is ridiculous) and I'm tired of him deflecting criticism and shifting blame when his teams melt down in close games. Somebody please knock them out of the tournament early.
>> So, my unofficial Final Four, which will probably change a bunch of times, all the way up until Thursday morning: North Carolina, Pittsburgh, Wake Forest, and Purdue. I've already done a million different drafts, and there will be a few more before time is up. You know that scene in Happy Gilmore where Adam Sandler pulls a hockey puck out of his pocket, and Virginia asks him if he always carries a puck around, and Happy says yeah and gives her a look like well yeah, why wouldn't I....that's me with a tournament bracket from Selection Sunday til the tourney starts.
*** OK, maybe I do want to talk about it some more. Most annoying subplot of KU playing NDSU: everybody down here in Lawrence asking me, as a native of North Dakota, who I'm cheering for. The first thing people don't realize (and seem to have trouble understanding even after I explain it to them) is that I DID NOT GRADUATE FROM NDSU. I know that North Dakota is a small state, and nobody knows anything about it (or cares) but try to consider that there is more than one university in the entire state (!!!) and this one happens to be my alma mater's hated rival. When I tell them that I didn't go to NDSU, they give me a puzzled look, and say something like "Oh. I thought you said you were from North Dakota." Unbelievable. It's like, I have these conversations like this, regularly, with people all over the country, and yet WE have the reputation as the idiotic backwoods hicks. Fucking Coen Brothers just haaaad to make Fargo.
(On that note, there is a downright shocking number of UND graduates that are cheering for NDSU. I know some of them are just my friends breaking my balls, but the vast majority are actually cheering for them, and they should be ashamed of themselves. I don't care if it's their first time in the tourney, or that they're "putting NoDak basketball on the map." Our school hates their school and vice versa. You don't cheer for them, no matter the circumstances. They sure as hell wouldn't cheer for us. When the Russians launched Sputnik into space in the '50s, did America sit back and cheer them on and say "Good for them, they're putting planet Earth on the map"??? No. We got our asses into gear, started throwing billions of dollars into NASA, and had our own dudes strolling around on the moon 10 years later. Suck on that, Comrades.)
And just so we're clear, if there was a basketball team that rolled out a starting five of my mom, my dad, my brother, and twin orphans who were both dying and their Make-a-Wish was to win just one game in March Madness- and Jesus Christ Himself was their 6th man (averaging a tidy little 11-6-4 and doing all the little things off the bench)- and they were playing KU in the tourney....I would still cheer for the Jayhawks. I'm glad that's settled. Rock chalk.
>> As much as I hate to say it, I think North Carolina has a good chance to walk to the title. I thought before the year that they had a chance to go undefeated, and obviously that didn't happen, as a combination of injuries and underachieving cost them a couple of wins. If Ty Lawson is healthy, even without Marcus Ginyard, this is the most talented team BY FAR. My only hope is that Ol' Roy does what he likes to do when he has ridiculously talented teams: choke. At least one thing's for sure...he'll cry at the post-game press conference.
>> After Carolina, I don't really think there's a great team anywhere else in the field. It's a far cry from last year, when all four 1 seeds were legitimately great teams. All the other top seeds this year are extremely flawed (I do really like Oklahoma, so it figures that they are in the same region as Carolina. That has been my championship game since early December.) So, one would think that this would be a crazy, upset-filled tourney, a la 2006....the only problem is, I don't think many of the mid-to-lower seeds are that great either. So basically I have no idea what to do with these brackets (particularly the Midwest, where I think Louisville, Michigan St., and KU are all begging to be upset....but by who?)
>> Teams that could win a couple games, but I'm probably too scared to pick: Texas, USC, Ohio St./Siena, and Western Kentucky.
>> Teams that could win a bunch of games, but I'm probably too scared to pick: Purdue, Wake Forest, UCLA, FSU, West Virginia.
>> Teams that I don't like as much as most other people, for no good reason: Villanova, Memphis, Louisville, Michigan St.
>> Teams that I like more than other people, for no good reason: Purdue, Oklahoma, FSU, Ohio St.
>> Potential matchups that I really want to see:
- Carolina/Oklahoma (for my money, the two best teams in the country when they're healthy)
- Missouri/Memphis (would be a wild, wild game between the two teams I hate the most)
- Duke/VCU (Greg Paulus' worst nightmare....nevermind, Paulus doesn't play anymore)
- KU/West Virginia (only because this would mean that KU got out of the first round. I really can't stress enough how scared I am of this game. If KU wins by 20, then you can all have a good laugh at my expense for being so worried; but until then, I'm preparing for the worst.)
>> It's official, I have a new least favorite team: Memphis. Not Duke, not Missouri, not Carolina, not Tupac's team in the All-City Shootout from Above the Rim that punches people during games and shoots them after losses. I think John Calipari is pretty much the antichrist. I'm tired of hearing him whine and bitch all the time about not getting respect; I'm tired of him saying that Conference USA is good when it is AN INDISPUTABLE FACT that it is awful; I'm tired of him getting every stud recruit every year (he's already got the #2 and 3 recruits next year, and there's a good shot he gets #1. That is ridiculous) and I'm tired of him deflecting criticism and shifting blame when his teams melt down in close games. Somebody please knock them out of the tournament early.
>> So, my unofficial Final Four, which will probably change a bunch of times, all the way up until Thursday morning: North Carolina, Pittsburgh, Wake Forest, and Purdue. I've already done a million different drafts, and there will be a few more before time is up. You know that scene in Happy Gilmore where Adam Sandler pulls a hockey puck out of his pocket, and Virginia asks him if he always carries a puck around, and Happy says yeah and gives her a look like well yeah, why wouldn't I....that's me with a tournament bracket from Selection Sunday til the tourney starts.
*** OK, maybe I do want to talk about it some more. Most annoying subplot of KU playing NDSU: everybody down here in Lawrence asking me, as a native of North Dakota, who I'm cheering for. The first thing people don't realize (and seem to have trouble understanding even after I explain it to them) is that I DID NOT GRADUATE FROM NDSU. I know that North Dakota is a small state, and nobody knows anything about it (or cares) but try to consider that there is more than one university in the entire state (!!!) and this one happens to be my alma mater's hated rival. When I tell them that I didn't go to NDSU, they give me a puzzled look, and say something like "Oh. I thought you said you were from North Dakota." Unbelievable. It's like, I have these conversations like this, regularly, with people all over the country, and yet WE have the reputation as the idiotic backwoods hicks. Fucking Coen Brothers just haaaad to make Fargo.
(On that note, there is a downright shocking number of UND graduates that are cheering for NDSU. I know some of them are just my friends breaking my balls, but the vast majority are actually cheering for them, and they should be ashamed of themselves. I don't care if it's their first time in the tourney, or that they're "putting NoDak basketball on the map." Our school hates their school and vice versa. You don't cheer for them, no matter the circumstances. They sure as hell wouldn't cheer for us. When the Russians launched Sputnik into space in the '50s, did America sit back and cheer them on and say "Good for them, they're putting planet Earth on the map"??? No. We got our asses into gear, started throwing billions of dollars into NASA, and had our own dudes strolling around on the moon 10 years later. Suck on that, Comrades.)
And just so we're clear, if there was a basketball team that rolled out a starting five of my mom, my dad, my brother, and twin orphans who were both dying and their Make-a-Wish was to win just one game in March Madness- and Jesus Christ Himself was their 6th man (averaging a tidy little 11-6-4 and doing all the little things off the bench)- and they were playing KU in the tourney....I would still cheer for the Jayhawks. I'm glad that's settled. Rock chalk.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Happy St. Patty's Day
Quick update: we're using the same bracket challenge as last year. You can find the link and password in this post from last year. Urrrrbody is welcome to join, the more the merrier.
**********
For the most part, I love having a big kid's job. The vast majority of my older friends told me that getting a real job sucks, and made me dread finishing college and growing up. After roughly 19 months of the real world, I am of the opinion that they were dead wrong. Getting weekends and holidays off, sitting in a comfy office all day, getting paid in the shade....umm, yes please.
All that being said, when it's 80 degrees outside, and it's St. Patty's Day, and I'm receiving a steady stream of texties and phone calls from everyone who's out getting sauced all day, while I'm inside doing tax returns for 13 hours.....well, that's when I would tend to agree with all those people who told me that being out of college sucks.
Drink a green beer for me, assholes.
**********
For the most part, I love having a big kid's job. The vast majority of my older friends told me that getting a real job sucks, and made me dread finishing college and growing up. After roughly 19 months of the real world, I am of the opinion that they were dead wrong. Getting weekends and holidays off, sitting in a comfy office all day, getting paid in the shade....umm, yes please.
All that being said, when it's 80 degrees outside, and it's St. Patty's Day, and I'm receiving a steady stream of texties and phone calls from everyone who's out getting sauced all day, while I'm inside doing tax returns for 13 hours.....well, that's when I would tend to agree with all those people who told me that being out of college sucks.
Drink a green beer for me, assholes.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Just Another Example...
...of how I'm an asshole when I'm blacked out. Sunday Funday had a little too much Funday and not quite enough Sunday to it.
Me: Excuse me ma'am, I just picked out like 20 songs on the jukebox and it stopped playing after only 4.
Bartender: Well, it'll do that if you picked the same song over and over again. Is that what you just did?
Me: Whaaaaaat? That's crazy talk!
Bartender, inspecting jukebox: Yep, it looks like you picked song #9409 twelve times.
Me: Well, you can't say that Shake Your Body Down to the Ground isn't an awesome song.
Bartender: Don't pick it that many times in a row anymore.
Me: So if I pick a different song, and then go back to the other song again, it'll work, right?
Bartender, deadpan, very unhappy with me: Yes.
Me, oblivious: Sweet. Thanks. ~pushes 9409 in the jukebox again~
Soooo yeah that was my night last night. I'll post March Madness thoughts another day (I'm sure all the girls reading this are breathless with anticipation) because right now I'm in the clutches of a crippling hangover, and the rest of my lunch break will be spent cramming ungodly amounts of Chipotle into my mouth and hopefully taking a little Costanza.
Me: Excuse me ma'am, I just picked out like 20 songs on the jukebox and it stopped playing after only 4.
Bartender: Well, it'll do that if you picked the same song over and over again. Is that what you just did?
Me: Whaaaaaat? That's crazy talk!
Bartender, inspecting jukebox: Yep, it looks like you picked song #9409 twelve times.
Me: Well, you can't say that Shake Your Body Down to the Ground isn't an awesome song.
Bartender: Don't pick it that many times in a row anymore.
Me: So if I pick a different song, and then go back to the other song again, it'll work, right?
Bartender, deadpan, very unhappy with me: Yes.
Me, oblivious: Sweet. Thanks. ~pushes 9409 in the jukebox again~
Soooo yeah that was my night last night. I'll post March Madness thoughts another day (I'm sure all the girls reading this are breathless with anticipation) because right now I'm in the clutches of a crippling hangover, and the rest of my lunch break will be spent cramming ungodly amounts of Chipotle into my mouth and hopefully taking a little Costanza.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Losing My Mind
Let's set the scene a little bit: I'm staying late at work today, and I'm the only one left in the office. I have the window right next to my desk open a bit, and there's been this little rabbit outside my window, rustling around in the leaves and making noise and generally just pissing me off ALL DAY.
So since no one is around, and I'm about at my snapping point with this mother effing rabbit, I lean out my window and start making noises that can best be described as "Angry Cat"- meowing in an aggressive manner and hissing and whatnot. I continued doing this for about 5 seconds, until Peter Cottontail finally got the message and scurried away. It was only then that I realized what, exactly, I was doing.
There are so many things wrong with a 26-year-old leaning out a window and making angry cat noises to scare off an annoying rabbit (sober, and at his job, no less) that I'm not going to dive into it any further. Chalk it up to tax season, I guess...
...or maybe chalk it up to the lady who called me three times within two minutes at 7:30 this morning, and realized she had the wrong number ONLY after I called her back after call #3. Listen to the voice on the outgoing voicemail message instead of repeatedly hanging up and calling back again, you dumb B. What are you, 12?
**********
And yes, I realize the irony in mocking someone else for acting like a 12-year-old when exactly one paragraph earlier I did something that even a 12-year-old would think is lame....but I literally just realized that irony now, so fuck it.
So since no one is around, and I'm about at my snapping point with this mother effing rabbit, I lean out my window and start making noises that can best be described as "Angry Cat"- meowing in an aggressive manner and hissing and whatnot. I continued doing this for about 5 seconds, until Peter Cottontail finally got the message and scurried away. It was only then that I realized what, exactly, I was doing.
There are so many things wrong with a 26-year-old leaning out a window and making angry cat noises to scare off an annoying rabbit (sober, and at his job, no less) that I'm not going to dive into it any further. Chalk it up to tax season, I guess...
...or maybe chalk it up to the lady who called me three times within two minutes at 7:30 this morning, and realized she had the wrong number ONLY after I called her back after call #3. Listen to the voice on the outgoing voicemail message instead of repeatedly hanging up and calling back again, you dumb B. What are you, 12?
**********
And yes, I realize the irony in mocking someone else for acting like a 12-year-old when exactly one paragraph earlier I did something that even a 12-year-old would think is lame....but I literally just realized that irony now, so fuck it.
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