EnGAYged

Down goes Fundy! Down goes Fundy! On December 13, 2007, Fundy, who was once quoted sophomore year as saying, "Having a girlfriend in college is stupid. You guys are pussies" became the latest in a long line to bite the bullet when he asked for April's hand in marriage. This was not a surprise, as shortly after I wrote this post about people getting engaged a while ago, I talked to him on the phone and jokingly asked "So, when are you proposing?" to which he replied, flat-out: "December 13." Oh. OK. Typical Fundy right there.

Anyway, I can now collect on the "Last Man Standing" agreement from St. Aubyn and Fundy, in the amount of $50 from each of them. But.....I'll probably just have them each throw 25 bucks on the roulette wheel for me in Vegas. The number of close friends of mine who are now engaged has reached an unprecedented 6, and I thought I would pay them tribute here.





T. Nels and Kristen. The couple who loves the Red Sox. Hopefully they can get Papelbon and Youk to perform at their wedding. I also have to say that is some wonderful photography work by whoever took that picture.








Noles and Jenna. The couple who loves Duke. Maybe they can get Gay-J Redick to be an usher in their wedding. Or maybe Christian Laettner, he can probably squeeze it into his schedule.

Here is a nice picture of Ike and Feltman.....




....but I thought this one would be more appropriate. When you marry Ike, you get Jake in the deal, like it or not. It's like when the Marlins traded Beckett to Boston, and they made the Sox take Mike Lowell and his terrible contract, too. Although I have a hard time believing that Jake will ever be the World Series MVP. Or the MVP of anything. At least Feltman knows this already.

The aforementioned Fundy and Smapes. Having first-hand knowledge of most of the 4+ years of their relationship, this is a VERY accurate picture. Welcome to the rest of your life, Smapes.

There was an abundance of sappy engagement photos I could've chosen for St. Aubyn and Mandy, but I settled on this one because you know it's just KILLING St. Aubyn that he's not allowed to jump in that pile of leaves and start rolling around. It's a good thing they didn't take their pictures on a snow hill at 4 am after 10 hours of drinking. There would've been no stopping him!

I was unable to obtain a picture of ADawg with his fiancee. However, I feel that this is a very well-done artist's rendition. Especially if you've seen ADawg play basketball. He's like Teen Wolf, only when he's regular Scott Howard, not the wolf.


Congratulations to all the happy couples. And I'm kidding about the title, getting married isn't really gay. Settle down.

MLK

Some of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite historical figures, Dr. Martin Luther King:

"A riot is the language of the unheard."

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."

"History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people."

"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

"There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love."

"We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

"I don't care if he has won three straight playoff games on the road, Eli Manning still sucks."

Naaahhhh he didn't really say that; just wanted to see if you actually went through and read all those quotes from a great man. Happy Martin Luther King Day.

Gamble Hall

As an accounting major in college, I spent roughly 60% of my waking hours from ages 18-22 in the magical building on campus known as Gamble Hall. Spring semester of freshman year was when it became apparent that Weisser and I (and various others) would be spending a lot of time there; everything began innocently enough when, instead of going straight from one class to the next, we used our 10 minutes in-between to hang out in the halls, a.k.a. "Gamble Hallin' it up." Obviously it escalated from there. If someone were to write a biography on me, it would probably be called "Well, it started out as a joke, and then...."

Anyways, I recently received a request from Noles (one of the other forefathers) to find the Gamble Hall rules, which were scribbled on the back of my notebook for our ISYS 217 class. Lo and behold, I dug around and found the notebook, which turned out to have a TON of stupid Gamble Hall-related crap in it, as well as a ton of stupid Information Systems-related crap. Remember that these rules were written while people-watching, so if something on here seems stupid or irrelevant, remember it actually happened, hence the rule against it.

1. No loud shoes (noise ordianance)

2. No sunglasses in the building. It's not that bright in here.

3. Rollerblades cannot be worn on your hands. Actually, just leave your rollerblades at home. We're not 13 anymore.

4. No falling down the stairs. No falling up the stairs either.

5. Pencils are for writing, not for holding your hair together.

6. Girls cannot wear football jerseys, especially Daunte Culpepper. Girls also cannot wear 1970's Converse sneakers. Unless you happen to be Julius Erving's daughter.

7. No holding hands. We're here to learn, kids.

8. No flirting with dudes if you're married. Not fair.

9. You can't sit on the Gamble Hall softball team bench if you're not on the Gamble Hall softball team (much more on this later.)

10. No sitting on the floor. If there's no spots on the bench, you stand. You don't see ballplayers sitting on the floor in the dugout. There's sunflower seeds and chew spit everywhere.

11. No going to class more than 30 seconds early, unless you have a test. That time must be used for "Gamble Hallin' It Up."

12. No headphones inside the building. You can listen to Green Day after class, bro.

13. No smoking on the East patio.

14. Leave your skateboard at the door. Dork.

15. No talking on cell phones inside the building.

16. No eating smelly-ass leftover casserole in class. Especially when you had to suck up to the prof so he would let you use the microwave in the teachers' lounge to heat that shit up. We've had Doritos and Mountain Dew for breakfast every day this semester, and we're still OK.

So there's more to the softball thing. Much more. It started when we realized that the main floor area, with the hallways leading down to rooms 1, 3, 5, 7, and the circular bench thing in the middle, was shaped just like a baseball field. This led to us referring to the bench we sat in when we were 'Gamble Hallin' it up' as the softball team bench...which led to us joking about actually having a Gamble Hall softball team...which led to us joking that we really had one the previous year...which led to us eventually telling rockhead girls that there was a whole University-wide softball team league, and that last year we went 122-0 in the regular season and defeated Abbott Hall in the Championship game...which led to the girls asking us when practice was...which led to us telling them "Tonight...be at this spot with your gloves at 8 o'clock tonight"....which led to the girls coming up to us the next day asking "Where were you guys last night? Was practice cancelled?"...which led to us dying laughing and realizing that 19 year old girls are fannnnn-tastic.

Pretty soon we had random dudes coming up to us and asking how they could get on the team, so we made up a rule that you had to have at least 2 classes in Gamble, and you had to bump into either me or Weisser at least once on Monday-Wednesday-Friday, and once Tuesday-Thursday, every week. For a made-up softball team! I still remember St. Aubyn coming home with his schedule one semester saying "Yes!!! Three classes in Gamble! I'm softball-team eligible this year!" This is a textbook example of Weisser and I making up dumb shit and just running with it.

I also found this beauty while going through another notebook. I am assuming I made this because either a) some girls needed a little more convincing before they bought into the softball league, or, most likely b) microeconomics was REALLY boring that day. This is beyond ridiculous:

Eastern Division

1. Witmer

2. Abbott

3. Starcher

4. Leonard

5. O'Kelly

6. Gillette

7. Education

8. Upson

Western Division
1. Gamble
2. Merrifield
3. Hughes
4. Odegaard
5. Clifford
6. Montgomery
7. Streibel
8. Corwin-Larrimore

2001 playoffs (best of 37)



Gamble defeats Merrifield, 19-0
Abbott defeats Witmer, 19-17



Finals (best of 23)

Gamble defeats Abbott, 12-0

Oh, Gamble Hall...I didn't realize until just now how much I miss you. I promise I won't forget again.

Let's Get Serious

So I tried calling Sprint's customer service last night, as I haven't yet received my $25 referral fee that I was supposed to get in September. Turned out to be a gong show of a phone call. Instead of a touch tone system of selecting options, they had a voice recognition thing, which never, ever, EVER works. Here's how it went down:

Automated lady voice: Please tell us what your problem is.

Me: I haven't received my--

ALV: Let's try and break it down a little more.

Me: What...I only had like one second to speak....

ALV: If your issue relates to your bill, simply say 'my bill.' If it relates to your service area, say 'service area.' She then goes on to list about 5 more issues, none of which are related to mine. Finally she says: If it relates to something else, say 'something else.'

Me: Something else.

ALV: You've selected 'monthly plan.' If this is correct, say 'yes.' If this is incorrect, say 'no.'

Me: No.

ALV: Great! If you would like to hear how many minutes you've used this month, say 'minutes.'

Me: What? I said no. NO!

ALV: You've selected 'online billing options.'

Me: Jeeeeeee-sus Christ. Are you kidding me? Are you for real, machine lady?

ALV: Let's try and break this down a little more.

Me: What the FUCK IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW?!?

ALV: If you would like to speak with a customer service representative, say 'representative.'

Me: Rep-re-sent-a-tive.

ALV: You've selected monthly plan. If-

Me: Representative! Representative! Representative! Represent--

ALV: Please hold while our next customer service representative becomes available.

Me: Thanks. You've been wonderful.

So then, after all that, I talk to a real lady for like 15 minutes, after which she concludes that something is messed up in the system and I can't get my $25 dollars yet. So now I'm chucking my referral debit card in the garbage and that's that. You win, Sprint, you always do.

Anyways, I was STEAMING about this phone call for awhile, until I remembered this little beauty, courtesy of Cosmo Kramer, from one of my favorite Seinfeld episodes ever. Then I laughed. A lot. Thanks, Kramer. You're the man.

Playoffs? You Kiddin' Me? Playoffs? Don't Talk About Playoffs!

Thoughts while watching an obscene amount of playoff football this weekend:

I grew up in Vikings country. They played in Green Bay at least once a year. If the Vikes played in a different time slot than noon, then the Packers game was televised. When I was a kid, I didn't miss a playoff game, when Green Bay was in it every year. The point is: I have seen an assload of Green Bay games. And about 138 times per game, the PA plays that little music beat and the crowd yells "Go Pack Go!" After EVERY SINGLE touchdown, they play "Bang on the Drums" by Todd Rundgren. And yet, I am not sick of either one of them. But I've seen that Beyonce commercial (lemme lemme lemme lemme upgrade ya!) only like 5 times, but #6 is going to send me into an insane asylum. Go figure.

AJ Hawk looks like someone who would've been the coolest guy ever in like 1989. I bet he has a big-ass Chevy pickup truck with a window decal of Calvin pissing on a Ford logo, and he goes around the locker room blasting GNR and calling the rookies "dweebs" and "dipsticks" and calling black teammates his "homeboys."

For the most part, I enjoy Brett Favre. The only thing that has always drove me nuts about him is how after every single play, he unbuckles his chinstrap, then rebuckles it before the next one. Every single play. Now I noticed that Matt Hasslebeck does it too, even quicker and more annoying than Favre. He'll throw the ball incomplete, the camera immediately cuts back to him, and the strap is already dangling. What the fuck? Are chinstraps that uncomfortable? Does a teammate put itching powder or fire ants in there as a practical joke before every game, and neither Favre or Hasslebeck has figured out who the culprit is yet? Does Mike Holmgren make his QBs do laps if they don't unbuckle after a play?

Remember when I said I hadn't met a single neutral NFL fan who hated New England? Well, now I have. Kyle's buddy Jimmy despises everything about them. So there you go.

I wanted to see the Colts and Pats go at it again in the AFC Championship, so I was cheering for the Colts against the Chargers....all the way until the first play from scrimmage, when I remembered that I absolutely hate the Colts and there was no way I could ever cheer for them.

Philip Rivers is the definition of a douchebag. No further thoughts on that.

Does anyone get more questionable calls go their way than Indy? Unbelieveable. They're the Dwayne Wade of the NFL. And their crowd is used to it now, too. Manning can't throw an incomplete pass without the crowd screaming for a flag.

Here's a team I like even less than Indy: Dallas. I think T.O. is my least favorite athlete of all-time; Marion Barber talking shit after every routine three-yard run is getting old; and you've gotta question a dude who can correctly read and pick apart a cover 2 defense in the course of a three-step drop, but yet is making the conscious decision to date the dumbest box of rocks in the history of starting quarterback-movie star couples.

What's going on? I'm almost, like, for positively sure that Tony said the guys in the green shirts AREN'T on his team. Why does he keep throwing it to them? Should I go down there and tell him? Geez, who knew that hockey would be so confusing! I hope the cameras are on me right now, I look totally hot in this jersey that Tony gave me. I wonder who #9 is, anyway? I don't see anyone down there who has pink numbers on their jersey like mine does.

Putting money on Eli Manning is kind of like taking an ugly girl home from the bar. You know it's a terrible idea from the start, but outside influences help convince you to do it. Then while it's happening, all you can think about is how stupid it is that you ever thought this was a good idea. Then it's over, everything turned out OK, but all you want to do is get as far away from the decision as possible, and you vow to yourself that you're never doing it again.

Meh

I don't feel like I have a whole lot to say on one interesting topic, but a lot of un-interesting things to say on many topics, so here's a bunch of random-ass paragraphs, each one more useless than the last.

The Titans' loss to San Diego was unquestionably the best I have ever handled one of my teams losing in the playoffs. I suppose that's what happens when you have known since week 5 that your quarterback can throw a 55-yard hail mary more accurately than an 8-yard out, and that your team is arguably the worst 10-6 team in NFL history. I was actually more riled up on Friday night, when we walked into a bar downtown and the NFL network was airing the Oilers/Bills playoff game from like '93 when Houston blew a 35-3 lead. Here's to next year. Hopefully my boy Vince figures out what the hell happened to him.

On the flip side of that coin, now is usually right about the time of year when I finally admit to myself that KU is good. I mean really good. Usually they slog through the non-conference schedule, losing at least once to a shitty team (basically, if I get zero KU-related texties from Dunph through the first two months of the year, it's a good sign) and even when they beat a team by 25, it's not that impressive. Well, right now, when they're beating teams by 25, it's impressive. However, now the rest of the country is starting to realize that too, especially after McDonough, Raftery, and Fraschilla spent the ENTIRE game against Boston College with their mouths wrapped around KU's dick. I was enjoying flying under the radar as a very quiet undefeated #3 ranked team (as quiet as one can be, anyway) but oh well.

Jon-Jon came to visit for a little bit last weekend during his trek through the midwest, and a good time was had. However, I'm upset that our lunch at Sonic was the worst I've had since I got down here (which really means it only ranked a 10 out of 10, instead of the usual 13 or 14.) But combine that with how much I overhype the shit out of that place, and I think the big guy came away a little disappointed.

Just found out that Michael Vick has been transferred to the jail in Leavenworth, which is only about 50 miles away from Lawrence. How soon before Danny, Lane, and I drive there and parade out front with "Free Vick" shirts and signs in an attempt to get on Sportscenter? Vegas has the over/under at March 26th.

I've been rediscovering a couple of blasts from my past recently. The first: the old Shaq Diesel CD. I'm just gonna say it, "I Know I Got Skillz" is a fantastic song. The beat is great, and Shaq's rapping is hilarious. Two thumbs up.

The second: Tecmo Super Bowl for the Sega. Ummm, it's a little easier than I remember it. Through six games, Ricky Watters has 4,535 yards and 46 touchdowns. So, needless to say, I'm going to go ahead and finish this season, just to see how obscene the numbers are at the end. This is more popularly known as "Cory Solem-ing" a season. That kid was unreal. We'd be like 11 years old, we'd go over to his place on a gorgeous summer day, and he'd be downstairs with the shades drawn, playing RBI baseball and beating the Brewers like 57-2 in the 6th inning, and he wouldn't pause his game to go outside and play. "Just lemme finish, Frank Thomas has 26 RBIs already this game and he's coming up with the bases loaded!"

I'm gonna finish with one of my all-time pet peeves: telling you about the dream I had last night. Normally I hate when people do this, because everyone's dreams are always 'SOOOOO crazy', but they just get lost in the translation, and you sit there with a stupid look on your face and you just want to yell, "Get to the mother fucking point!" But I'm gonna tell you anyway.

Last night I dreamt that Danny and I were driving in circles around KC, and we picked up a hitchhiker, who just happened to be Clyde Drexler. We continued to drive around I-435 for hours, talking to Clyde the Glide, and somewhere along the way we decided he was kind of a dork, and threw him out of the car and drove home, only to find that he somehow beat us there and had already moved his stuff into the spare room. It was one of those crazy real dreams, where you wake up and your first thought is related to whatever you dreamt about the night before. This is awesome when you dreamt that you were banging Sophia Bush or something, and you wake up with a gigantic smile on your face until reality sets in. But today, when I woke up, my first thought was Oh shit, I gotta be quiet when I'm getting ready today, I don't want Drexler to wake up cause then I'll have to talk to him. Fuck, is he annoying.

Clyde Drexler?!? Go figure that one out, all you psychologists out there.

Hey, um, Clyde? Not really a big deal, but could you wash out the blender when you're done making your protein shake? It's kinda starting to smell. Oh, and your share of the electricity this month is $32. Yeah, just pay me when you get a chance. What? Oh, the party tonight? Ummm, it's kinda like one of those deals, like...it's not really MY party, you know? I don't know if it's really, like, one of those things where I can just show up with random people. It's not even a party, really, it's more of a get-together. Haha, it'll probably suck anyway. You won't be missing much. I'm sor--oh yeah, definitely, Halo 3 online tournament tonight, sounds awesome. Yeah, that's true, you probably wouldn't have time for that party anyway. All right, dude, have fun....I'll, uhhh...I'll catch you later, Glide.

2007 In Sports

If you're looking for an unbiased review of sports in 2007, you have absolutely come to the wrong place.


The Good:

Boston Red Sox, 2007 World Series Champs. The championship that (maybe) finally gave me some perspective. The beginning of the year was promising, as the Sox built up the best record in baseball, and the Yankees looked like their dynasty was crumbling. But could I enjoy it? No. I spent the most of the summer bitching about Drew, Lugo, GAGNE (which I don't take back, he is a total douche) and telling everyone who would listen (thanks for tolerating me, Danny) that the Yanks were winning it all and that the Sox just didn't have it this year. Then the Angel series reminded me why this team was special to me, and I was able to keep it together when they went down 3-1 to Cleveland (thank you, 2004.) I think I had real, actual fun cheering for a team again, something that I constantly struggle with. I think I may actually be normal next year.


Golden State Warriors. Their playoff games were like college games, only with more highly skilled, infinitely crazier players. Incredibly entertaining to watch. Also NBA-related good things: Bron-Bron; the return of the Celtics and Blazers; the league-wide increase in talent.


Kevin Durant, Greg Oden, the one year out of high school rule. This is kind of a double-edged sword. On one hand, getting to see this kind of talent in college ball, rather than sitting on the bench (or playing and struggling) in the pros, is exciting as hell. Kevin Durant put on shows that I doubt I'll ever see from a freshman again, and Oden had plenty of "oh my goodness!" moments in the tourney. Another plus of the "one year out of high school" rule relates to guys like Darrell Arthur. Without the rule in place, he goes straight to the NBA from high school, and seeing how he struggled as a frosh last year, he probably sucks in the pros for a good 3 or 4 years, if he even makes it at all. Now, not only does he play one year, he sticks around for another, and could maybe make an impact on an NBA team next year. However, knowing that these guys are one and done is a total tease, especially for those respective fan bases. You know they're gone after that year, so if they don't win a championship right away, that's that. The other downfall of this trend is that there are barely any talented upperclassmen any more, and while there is talent among the youngsters, it is raw talent, and the overall level of play in the NCAA is garbage now compared to 15 years ago. Overall, though, I'll take the opportunity to see guys like Durant and Oden play in college, if only for a year.



The Bad:

Michael Vick, Tim Donaghy, Barry Bonds, the Mitchell Report. It would depress me to go into these any further. Remember when we were 12 and the worst thing in the world was the baseball strike, or MJ retiring to go play minor league baseball? Wow I miss those days.


College football. I'm sorry in advance for any college football fans, but your sport sucks. Hard. Any sport where almost EVERY SINGLE YEAR there is a giant fucking argument on who deserves to play for the national title game is a shitty sport. Lose a game early on, you could be OK. Lose a game late, you're fucked. Play a brutal schedule and have two close losses? Too bad. Maybe you should transfer out of the SEC--I heard the Big East is looking for more teams. Play a cakewalk schedule and only one loss? Right this way, sir, your table at the BCS championship is ready. Oh, you made it to your conference championship game, but lost to another top 10 team, while these guys sat on their asses and watched? Sorry. Have fun in the Prudential Gillette Aflac Morgan Stanley Dean Witter Bowl. I'm not sure that company is even called Morgan Stanley Dean Witter anymore, but whatever. Get bent, BCS.


The Florida Gators. In the span of roughly 10 or 11 months, they went from an underdog team who peaked for the most important 6 games of the year, to an inspirational story of 4 guys spurning millions of dollars for another shot at playing together for a championship, to the most cocky bunch of douchebags since Tupac's all-city tournament team in 'Above the Rim.'


The New York Knicks. "Why don't you just let me be? It's because of you, Isiah, that I'm like this! I'm nothin'...I'm nowhere...Get the fuck off me! I can't stand being like this no more, Isiah. I wish I knew how to quit you." Yep, I just quoted Brokeback Mountain. Don't worry, Anne Hathaway gets naked in that movie, so it's pretty sweet.




The Ugly:

The All-Ugly Team usually doesn't get unveiled until March, but I think it's safe to say that after losing Joakim Noah to the NBA, the captaincy is in good hands with Lorenzo Mata-Real.

The What? Really?

All I've been hearing about lately is how the Patriots are one of the most hated teams in sports history. I talk to a lot of people from all over the country, and I do not know of a single person who even mildly dislikes the Patriots. Does anyone out there hate them? I know plenty of people hate the Cowboys, the Yankees (also the Red Sox now), the Spurs, but not really the Pats. I'm sure there are lots of Colts fans, Jets fans, etc. who hate them, but I'd say most neutral third parties enjoy or at least respect what they're doing. I'm a Tennessee fan, and I think New England is amazing, and fun to watch. Tell me you'd rather see a guy like Terrell Owens hoist the Lombardi trophy instead of Randy Moss. Shawne Merriman instead of Tedy Bruschi?

This kind of ties in with my next beef. Lately it's been pretty cool to trash Boston fans (Red Sox in particular.) Yeah, we're annoying. I will admit that. Speaking for myself, I'm whiny, pessimistic, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. However, I think the whole issue stems from jealousy. People get pissy when they see another fan group enjoy success, and that fan group gets magnified and picked apart, it snowballs, and all of a sudden the whole country is tearing that fan group apart.

My point is: what diehard fan of a team isn't annoying, especially when their team is successful? If you wanna stereotype, you could make a case for almost anyone: Cowboys fans are annoying because they call themselves "America's Team." Braves fans are annoying because of the Tomahawk Chop. Twins fans are annoying because many lack common sense. Fans of underdog miracle teams (see: 2007 Colorado Rockies) are annoying because they are giant bandwagon jumpers. Arizona and SoCal fans are annoying because they don't cheer unless the scoreboard or Rally Monkey tells them to. Raiders fans are annoying because they dress up like fucking insane asylum escapees. Duke fans are annoying because they have a 'cheer sheet' that they have to study to heckle opposing players. Yankee fans are annoying because they don't have a soul. Just kidding, but you could go on and on forever. So yeah, Boston fans are annoying. So are you, you pussies.

I love finishing on a negative note. Gets me fired up for my day. Let's go shoot some wild animals or something.

Happy New Year!

After the last two years, it's a weird feeling to not be in Vegas for New Year's Eve. Not a good weird, a bad weird. However, I'm not a negative guy. I can find a few upsides to being Vegas-free this December 31: my wallet actually contains money; I slept more than 45 minutes last night; I don't feel the need to take 3 showers to get the smell of stripper raspberry body spray off of me; and when I burp it doesn't taste like white russian mixed with egg mcmuffin mixed with margarita by the yard. Hi-yooooo!

This year I will not be resolving to do anything differently, because it never seems to end well for me. One year I resolved to stop drinking pop, and I made it to about mid-March, then snapped and ended up taking down a case of Dewskis in about 2 1/2 hours. Another year I resolved to stop taking sports so seriously, and I was doing OK until KU lost in the championship game, Roy left for North Carolina, and the Sox blew an 8th inning lead in Game 7 of the ALCS, all in a seven-month span, which resulted in me being crazier than ever before. Thanks, Sports Gods. Yet another year I resolved to stop cursing, and you can fucking see how fucking well that's worked out for me. Fuck.

I've grown up a quite a bit during 2007 in the traditional sense (moving away from my hometown, getting a big kids' job, throwing away my life-size cutout of Princess Leia, etc. etc. etc.) But even though I'm now 25, me and my friends are still pretty good at, as Sara H. so eloquently puts it, "acting like we're 20 with a fake i.d." Here are some of my favorite days of the year, represented by the following photos....

Lane and Skye's wedding. Skye, I give you props for going through with that wedding. The sexual tension that was flying around the room while we were raising the roof was crazy intense. I was surprised you didn't call it off and run away with me right there.

The infamous limo trip to Shooting Star Casino. From the looks of this picture, this was approximately 2.7 seconds before I puked in the garbage bag. I can only assume that Bergman held my hair back for me. Thanks, dude.

The last Culligan party. This doesn't paint the best portrait of that night, but I like this picture for two reasons: 1) Shawn is REALLY angry about something that just happened in his Flippy Cup game, and he is expressing that anger by putting both hands on his hips in an aggressive manner; and 2) if you look very closely on our question of the week board, you can read the beauty that Horp left for us the previous summer before he moved to Phoenix. If you can't see it, it reads: Take care fellas (and April) P.S. I peed on the middle cushion - please no questions!

Needless to say the question of the week was retired after that, and that stayed up for over a year.

And I don't really mean to pick on Shawn so much with these pictures, so I apologize. Here's a better one...

Ohhh shit!!! Whoops I accidentally posted one of a guy who got arrested for robbing multiple 7-11s back in 1992. My bad, Shawn-0. OK for real this time...

Lindsey and Shawn's wedding. A lovely ceremony, and an absolutely crazy dance. One of those wedding dances where all of sudden it's the last dance, and you look around and the happy couple is right there enjoying "Open Arms" by Journey right along with you. I was still up at 8 am the next morning, chilling in the pool area in the middle of all the rooms, and lemme tell ya, there were PLENTY of people doing the walk of shame back to their rooms. Really a lot of hustle there, I loved it. Good stuff.

Not to be outdone, just one week later: Anthony and Erica's wedding. I already talked about this one in more detail here. Thumb-diddley!

The Boston trip in July was great. It was the fourth game at Fenway for T. Nels and I, and Alex and Kristen's first. In the process we met French and Lauren, hopefully proving to others that meeting people via the internet doesn't have to end with Dateline NBC busting you while you're eating home-made chocolate chip cookies, drinking Mike's Hard Lemonade, and waiting for a 14-year-old girl to change into her bikini so you can go in the hot tub. I chose this picture from the trip because (hopefully you can see that we are in front of Cheers here) and as we were posing, a car drove by and someone shouted, "They don't know your name!!!" Well played, stranger in a speeding car. Well played.

I suppose now that French has put me on the spot in his blog, I have to do a year-in-sports review. All right, dude. You're the boss.

Gonna Lay This Groove So You Can Move On The Funk

Christmas break 2007 is in the books, and Grand Forks is once again in my rear view mirror. GameDay 2007 was wonderful, as the Culligan Fab 5 was reunited for the first time in over a year. Big ups to Jon-Jon for hosting so we didn't have to do it at someone's parents' house, which would've been just awful. Taking the Fab 5 comparison a step further (which is most likely one step too far):

I would be Jalen Rose because I think I'm a lot more awesome than I probably am;

Horp is Chris Webber because he does the most things that are real-life equivalents of calling a time-out in the National Championship when you don't have any left;

Noles is Jimmy King because he shows flashes of brilliance and is quietly the heart and soul of the Fab 5;

Jon-Jon is Juwan Howard because I can't think of a single good thing to say about him, but not a bad thing either;

Fundy is Ray Jackson because no one has heard anything from either one of them since 1994.

Big D (the 6th man Eric Riley) was also in the mix, mostly just to start controversy by starting the typical Pac-10 vs. ACC argument, and to pour steak seasoning in Noles' punishment shot of Morgan after he knocked over the Jenga tower, then deny it for the better part of an hour.

Other highlights of break:

Watching Dunph throw the bowling ball on the Wii like he's Dontrielle Willis. Granted, it was like 4 am, but I still think I'm changing your name in my phone to D-Train.

Watching Seth decide that the dance floor scene at Gilly's wasn't to his liking anymore. Now, for a normal person, this decision would result in you quietly walking off of the dance floor, getting a beer, and finding your friends. For a drunken time bomb like Seth, it involves shattering your vodka sour on the floor, pushing your way outside, doing a snow angel outside the front door, and getting up and sprinting 12 blocks to your house, stopping at Subway on the way home to purchase a foot-long and steal 14 bags of potato chips. True story.

Finding my holy grail of the last 10 years: the original Sim City at my parents' house, which will end up being the best present I receive this year.

The "Ski Jumps" debacle at Bonzer's. That's gonna have to stay an inside joke to be enjoyed by those who were there. Don't even ask.

Taking the voice mail game to a whole new stratosphere. Starting Saturday night and stretching into the wee hours of Sunday morning, 8 of us left 62 messages on Horp's phone. Now this in itself is a very solid performance, but when we found out that his flight out of Phoenix left early that morning, and he couldn't shut his phone off because it was his alarm, and he had to sit there at 4 am and listen to his phone ring that many times....it extends the shelf life of voice mail game for another 5-7 years at least. By the way, at this point we need a new name for voice mail game, suggestions are welcome. Maybe we should just call it "Fuck You."

Putting a nice touch on the weekend was my fantasy team overcoming my arch-rival Jake and capturing my first ever championship. In the interest of full disclosure, I had the #1 coach ranking and the #1 strength of schedule in my league, so whether I won the title or not, I was gonna talk shit. Hey, if you're not in fantasy football to either cock off or whine incessantly (or both), then I don't know what you're in it for. So please give it up for team Boomshakalaka!

QB- Kurt Warner (after Jon Kitna started playing like a 7th grader)

RB- Brian Westbrook (my boy)

RB- Clinton Portis

WR- Joey Galloway

WR- T.J. Houshmandzadeh (my sleeper that paid off)

WR- Patrick Crayton (after Roy Williams got hurt)

TE- Ben Watson

K- Phil Dawson

DEF- Jacksonville

Looks pretty brutal on paper, doesn't it? These are the teams that win championships when mental toughness comes into play.....and when Tom Brady and Tony Romo both shit the bed during the semifinals. Should I send Jessica Simpson a hand-written thank you card, or do you think this will suffice?

Lastly, The Very Schneweis Christmas CD is once again outstanding. The year that Schneweis doesn't rock my face off with his music is the year of the Apocalypse. Keep on keepin' on.

The Mitchell Report

The Mitchell Report was released last week and rocked the baseball world, releasing the names of dozens of current and former players who used steroids or HGH to enhance their performance. Plenty of names you would expect (Clemens) and plenty you wouldn't (F.P. Santangelo? Fernando Vina?) and there are most likely dozens more who weren't named. Jose Canseco (the douchebag who got this whole thing started with his book a few years ago) was quoted the next day as being incredulous that Alex Rodriguez wasn't named in the report. Dear Jose: Shut the fuck up. No one cares about you anymore. You are a dipshit and have balls the size of a three year old. No homo.

However, he brings up a good point. I also have a few individuals in mind that I have a hard time believing weren't taking performance enhancing drugs at some point in their careers:

Chuck Norris. How can a guy who can provide electricity to the entire continent of Austrailia for 44 minutes with one roundhouse kick NOT be taking performance-enhancing drugs? And while we're here, America, can we be done with the Chuck Norris jokes yet? The first 9 emails I received containing 132 facts each were kind of funny, but now it's been like 3 years....are we done?

Teen Wolf. He was probably the poster boy for HGH until it was revealed that Michael J. Fox really HAD dribbled a basketball in his life before the filming of that dramatic final montage.

The Incredible Hulk. This one may not count because I'm pretty much positive that Jose Canseco and the Incredible Hulk are the same guy.

Subway Jared. Do I really need a caption for this one? Judges? No.

Bowser. I'm aware that he's a dragon/dinosaur, but he is still awful mean, and prone to violent mood swings. Plus, he fathered seven Koopa children with seven different mothers, was a repeat sex offender (just ask the Princess), and an Italian-hating racist. Just an all-around bad guy.

Billy Zabka (The bad guy from Karate Kid) A sure sign of drug use is making sure your entire existence revolves around ruining the life of a skinny new student from New Jersey whose only real friend is a weird old janitor/repairman. Sweep the leg!

"Psycho T" Tyler Hansbrough. Can't you just hear him roid-raging on his photographer? "Make sure you get the fucking basketball in this shot! I'm holding it up with one hand, bro! Can you do that? Probably not, you loser! I'm going to North Carolina! I'm gonna be a Division I athlete and it doesn't even matter that I got cut from the debate team and cried at Prom this year! Don't fuck this up, you only take senior pictures once! Make sure you get the black-and-white shot, my cheekbones look totally sweet in black-and-white!!!"

Falcor (The Never-Ending Story) Plain and simple, that's a big-ass dog. A little too big, to be perfectly honest. If they called this movie The Never Ending Nostrils nobody would've argued.

Fulton Reed (Mighty Ducks). Slapshots that knock goalies unconscious and/or blow holes in the back of the net aren't natural.

Darth Vader. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....a dark lord of the Sith made the groundbreaking discovery that The Force flows within you a lot more powerfully when you're taking HGH.

Big Bird. Let's be real, canaries don't grow to be 7'4'' without a little outside help. I'm sure Oscar had access to a ton of that shit in his garbage can. Don't be fooled, few 'hoods kept it gangsta like Sesame Street did. Shit's real out there. To be fair, if I hung out primarily with a giant woolly mammoth named Mr. Snuffleupagus, I'd probably feel pressured to take steriods to get bigger too.

The creepy-ass girl from The Ring. I don't know about you, but I don't know any other 13 year old girls who can shoot a free-throw without grunting like Maria Sharapova, much less climb out of a goddamn well in under 4 seconds.

A.C. Slater. Look at him lift that fucking barstool like it's nothing! They don't just hand out wrestling scholarships to Iowa for free, son.

Optimus Prime. Megatron was quoted as saying that he injected Optimus with steroids in both exhaust pipes back in 2002, shortly before becoming a Decepticon. More than meets the eye, indeed.




Tecmo Bo Jackson. Have you ever had a 99-yard touchdown run, carrying 4 defenders on your back, spending the first 7 minutes running in circles and backwards, then deciding to score? Me neither.

In an unrelated story (unless you think he might have taken performance enhancers too, which I won't rule out) Deuce has now started a blog as well. Give him a look. The Deuce is loose.

You Down With OPB?

OPB how can I explain it,

I'll take it frame by frame it

O is for Other, P is for People

The last B, well, that's not that simple

It's kind of like another way to call a dude a sibling

There's seven little letters that I'm missing

That was a very convoluted, unnecessary reference to an early 90's rap song just to say that this weekend was spent with other people's brothers. Humor me.

Saturday night the eldest Schneweis brother, Kyle, invited Alex and I over for the KU game/dinner party. We met quite a few characters that night, and the topics of conversation ranged from Midieval wars between Japan and China, Stanley Kubrick and A Clockwork Orange, intricate details regarding KU's alternate red jerseys, and everything in between. Kyle taught me about the lyrics to Bob Dylan's song "Isis" and I convinced him that Roy Williams is not to be forgiven for leaving for North Carolina. A good time was had by all.

Sunday afternoon Lane's brother Brooks was in town for his Cyclocross race in Kansas City. I was excited to expand the horizons a little bit, and this experience certainly did not disappoint. Now, I'll admit, you give me some Miller Lite and a cowbell and I'll have a blast watching a couple of blind guys play Super MarioKart, but still, this exceeded my wildest expectations. Danny and I arrived an hour early after dropping Alex off at the KCI airport, so we got to the starting line just as the women's race began. Less than 15 seconds later, a nasty 4-bike pileup occurred directly in front of us, and we were hooked.

By the time Lane and Skye showed up 20 minutes later, our perma-smiles were already in place. Where's my cowbell? The snowy, muddy, general shittiness of the track made for brutal conditions, and we saw around a dozen crashes right in front of us, including a vicious head-on collision that eliminated the defending national champ Ryan Trebon. Brooks' wife gave us a crash course in the favorites and underdogs, and by the 3rd lap we had figured out who we were cheering for (besides Team Brown Bear, of course.) Cyclocross is awesome. For more quality photos of the race, visit the blog of DVJS. Later skaters.

The Top 5. Volume 4.

Professional Wrestling. We all loved it, at some point. It was AWESOME when we were little kids, became horrendously uncool as we entered middle school, had a brief resurgence for about a year when we were 15, and is now unwatchable, in my opinion. Here are my 5 favorite wrestlers of all time. We've all got 'em.

Honorable mention: Ravishing Rick Rude, Diamond Dallas Page, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Jake the Snake Roberts, Big Boss Man (he looked just like my dad), the Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase.

5. Irwin R. Schyster (I.R.S.)

Maybe I was destined to work in the tax industry with the love I had for I.R.S. as a youngster. He always carried a briefcase with him to the ring, and this briefcase got a lot of use as a way to cheap shot opponents. The Write Off is probably my favorite name for a finishing move ever. Also, remember when he and the Million Dollar Man used to pick random people out of the crowd and offer them money to do stupid things? The one time they grabbed some kid, offered him $100 if he could bounce a ball like 15 times or something, then after 14 bounces, kicked it away from him....awesome.

4. Razor Ramon

"The Bad Guy." That about sums him up. Always with the trademark toothpick (until he threw it in his opponents' face a couple minutes into the match) and always with "the machismo oozing off" of him. The Razor's Edge was one of the best finishing moves ever, and one of the few that we, as noodle-armed 10-year-olds, could do to each other. Also helped start nWo, which made wrestling cool again for a bit.

3. Shawn Michaels

The Heartbreak Kid. I don't know if anyone turned from bad guy to good guy more often than Shawn Micheals. Or better. He always had unreal matches, like the hour long match with Bret Hart, or the first ever ladder match, or being the first guy to win the Royal Rumble after being the first guy in the ring. I will even forgive him for kicking Marty Janetty through the window and breaking up The Rockers, which up to that point, was probably the most traumatic moment in my life besides my dog dying. Loved it when he would prep for Sweet Chin Music by stomping his leg repeatedly, as good ol' Jim Ross would exclaim, "He's tuning up the band!" Other cool moments: The Montreal Screwjob, when the WWF turned on Bret Hart, telling him he would win the match, then telling everyone besides Hart that really Micheals would win; and when Mike Tyson was the guest referee of the Michaels/Stone Cold match and knocked Michaels out afterwards, when Michaels performed the greatest "falling down like you got hit by a mack truck even though it was just a fake punch" of all time.

2. "The Macho Man" Randy Savage

Ohhhh yeeeeaaaahhhhh!!!!!!!! If you are between the ages of 21 and 35, there is only one tone of voice it is possible to hear that in. Macho Man was one of the craziest fuckers ever, epitomized by his elbow smash from the top rope. FYI: when checking into a hotel room with multiple beds, the first thing I do upon entering the room is a flying elbow smash from one bed to the other. At age 25. Too much information? Maybe. Continuing on. Macho Man was one of the greatest, if not the greatest, interviewer in wrestling, combining his craziness, voice, and unintelligibility into magic. Along with Hulk Hogan, Macho Man revolutionized wrestling in the 80's. The Mega Powers (Savage and Hogan) was probably the best tag team in wrestling history, until Hogan allegedly slept with Miss Elizabeth and her and Savage got divorced (in real life.) Speaking of Miss Elizabeth, how awesome was the storyline of Macho Man slapping her around after matches as the crowd freaked out? Only in professional wrestling could domestic abuse be cool.

1. Diesel

Started out as the seven-foot-tall bodyguard of Shawn Michaels and basically just went around fucking people up. You knew he was bound for bigger things, and when Michaels accidentally gave Diesel the Sweet Chin Music, you knew it was his time. He went to the Royal Rumble and destroyed everyone, won all his matches in 30 seconds, and became champ in no time. I thought the best stretch of his career was when he would just interfere on everyone's match. The beginning of his music, which was just a diesel truck honking its horn REALLY loud would start, JR would yell, "Good god! Th-that's Diesel's music!!" and he would come down and powerbomb someone and leave again. Soon after he went to WCW and started nWo with Razor Ramon and Hogan. Known as Kevin Nash now, he never really got his props for coming up with nWo, as Hogan got most of the credit. Either way, nWo was sweet. Then he interfered in Hogan's title fight, jackknifed Hogan, and started the nWo Wolfpac, and that was about it for me and wrestling.

See You In A Couple Yearz

Michael Vick received a 23-month jail sentence today, hopefully putting a much-needed end to the relentless stories about the whole subject.

A couple of disclaimers before this next section:

a) I am in no way saying that dogfighting is OK. Obviously it's terrible.

b) I enjoy eating the foods that people hunt: deer, pheasant, duck, etc. I also like other meats as much as the next guy. More, actually. Unless the next guy happens to be Kobayashi.

I would like to think that if I put my mind to it, I could also eat 53.75 hot dogs in 12 minutes. It's all mental toughness.

But seriously, every reporter who crucifies Vick, then goes home and enjoys a juicy bacon double cheeseburger; and Joe Everyman from Rugby, North Dakota, who talks shit about Vick, then grabs his shotgun or bow and goes and shoots animals every single weekend from September through November, can all just settle down a little bit. I say that besides the ridiculously inhumane way Vick and others kill the dogs who can't fight, (electrocutions, repeated beatings over the head) what's the difference between a dogfighter and the owner and operator of a slaughterhouse? Or a gun club? The bottom line is that they all grossly mistreat animals for profit and/or personal enjoyment. I think it's crazy that Vick has become public enemy #1. My point, if I have one, is that I know what Vick did is wrong, but he shouldn't have to hear about it from deer hunters and McDonald's lovers. That's like O.J. Simpson lecturing the Unabomber.

Now that I've climbed down from my high horse, I'd like to say that the funniest thing I've heard all day was that Vick's dogfighting organization was named "Bad Newz Kennels." Awesome. Just awesome. That reminds me of the Native American basketball team we always use to go up against, named the "Rez Ballaz." Anytime I see z's used in place of s's, well, it just....I guess it just puts a hop in my step for the rest of the day. It doesn't get much more street than that. Kudos to you, Michael.

In a completely unrelated story, I caught up with an old friend last weekend: the Phog Allen Fieldhouse. It was my first trip there in almost three years, Alex's first trip ever, and KU obliged by putting on an absolute dunk clinic while avenging last year's loss to DePaul. After a largely lackluster (although undefeated) start to the season, it looks as though the boys are starting to put things together offensively. Brandon Rush, overcoming legal trouble,continues to get closer to 100% every game, the clutch shooting is improving by leaps and bounds, and Darnell Jackson moved one step closer to becoming the next Jayhawk on my wall of fame. An induction ceremony is expected soon.

From The Archives

Good work by Ike recovering this after all these years. This was taken firmly in the middle of the "Tupac faked his own death and is coming back in 2003" era of my life. Although, to be honest, I still kinda think he faked his own death. Look at Haley up there. This picture is really, really old and he looks like it could've been taken yesterday. Kid's like Coach K, he hasn't aged a bit. This picture tells you all you would ever need to know about me. West siii-yeeeeed!!

And as long as we're putting up ridiculous pictures, did you ever have a friend who you thought would grow up and be a child abductor?

Yep, me too. I mean, someone get Chris Hansen on the phone. I've got his next episode of "To Catch a Predator" right here.

Just To Be The Next To Be With You

I'm the one who wants to be with you****

Deep inside I hope you feel it too

Waited on a line of greens and blues

Just to be the next to be with you

Build up your confidence

So you can be on top for once

Wake up who cares about

Little boys that talk too much (Hank Steinbrenner)

I've seen it all go down

Your game of love was all rained out

So come on baby, come on over

Let me be the one to hold you

I'm the one who wants to be with you

Deep inside I hope you feel it too

Waiting on a line of greens and blues

Just to be the next to be with you

Why be alone when we can be together baby

You can make my life worthwhile

And I can make you start to smile

When it's through, it's through

Fate will twist the both of you

So come on baby come on over

Let me be the one to show you...

****but not if we have to give up Jacoby Ellsbury. Then the Yankees can be the next to be with you. Sorry, Johan.

Burning Questions

On my mind....

Has anyone ever seen a tough-looking goth kid? I haven't. If a goth kid was big and strong and tough, then nobody would pick on him or bully him, and if they did decide to make fun of him, they would get their ass kicked, and then that goth kid wouldn't have to get into guns and shoot the school up.

When Dick Vitale is making his prediction for national champ, does he have a coin labeled "Duke" and "North Carolina" that he flips, or does he stop and think about every other team in the country before eventually settling on one of those two?

What is Kriss Kross doing now? Do you think their supervisor at KFC lets them wear their uniforms backward?

'Cuz inside out....is wiggida wiggida wiggida WACK!!!

This is for people with uni-sex names. I ask Alex this all the time, so I'll use her as an example: if she met a dude also named Alex, and they hit it off crazy right away, and he was hands-down the greatest guy she ever met, would she start dating him since they had the same name? Would it be an automatic deal-breaker? How life-alteringly awesome would this guy or girl have to be to want to date them, factoring in the name situation? Has anyone heard of any couple like this?

When Adam Sandler has all his buddies act in all his movies (for example, the guy who plays his caddy in Happy Gilmore, a gay guy in Big Daddy, the lame girl-chaser who dresses like Michael Jackson in Wedding Singer, etc. etc.) how much does that buddy get paid? Enough so that he doesn't have to have another job? Does he ever run low on money, start getting nervous, and call Sandler up and say "Hey, dude, you workin' on another flick yet? I only got about three weeks' worth of pot left, man."

Who comes up with names of carpet samples? Our office is in the process of getting new carpet, so I took the opportunity to flip through the sample book, and, frankly, it opened my eyes to a whole new world of douchebaggery. Here are some actual names of carpet patterns:

Handcuffs
Chain Letter
Blind Date
Sisterhood
E-Mail
Crazy Like a Fox
Darwin's Theory (my personal favorite)
Tremble With Fear
Wedding Vows
Crazy In Love

What?!? Let's get serious.

When (if) you were following the Maryland basketball team that won the 2002 National Championship, did you ever, EVER, think that the best pro on that team 5 years later would be Steve Blake?

What would happen if society changed the traffic rules so that cars always had the right-of-way instead of pedestrians? Walking in a busy downtown area would turn into an episode of American Gladiators.

The signs that people make at sporting events where they take the initials of the TV network and spell out something stupid....what is the shelf life on those things? I know they're not funny or clever now, and I doubt they were in 1972.

Lance Armstrong....are you serious? You, my friend, are currently dating a girl that was a star on a very popular TV show from the mid-90's that also featured the likes of Bob Saget and Dave Coulier. Not a real big deal, I guess, as long as that girl is Aunt Becky. The problem, however, lies with the fact that on this TV show, your girlfriend played a fucking TODDLER. Now I understand you have to have a cover so people will ignore the fact that you and McConaughey are always shirtless together, but still.....are you serious?




McConaughey: "Hey, bro, whaddya listening to right now?"

Armstrong: "Fuckin' Maroon 5, dude. Who else?"

McConaughey: "Me too! Damn, we have so much in common!"

Armstrong: "No doubts, no doubts. We're just a couple of regular dudes who love to go jogging while rocking out to Maroon 5. Wanna watch some Real World after our run, or what?"

McConaughey: "Sounds awesome, BroStrong! Hear that, I just called you BroStrong, kinda like LiveStrong, but I changed it up a little bit."

Armstrong: "Totally sweet, dude. Totally."


McConaughey: "Hey, did you ever get around to asking Ashley about what Mary Kate thinks about me? I mean, she would go for a regular dude like me, right?"




At the beginning of Michael Jackson's song Black Or White, and that kid is rocking out to some song and his dad is yelling at him to turn it down, is that a real song he's listening to? It sounds kinda sweet. I always wanna be like "No, Dad, this is the best part, I'm gonna listen to it, OK?" right along with him. And while we're here, I heard the rumor that it is Macaulay Culkin doing that part. No way, but it does sound a LOT like Smalls from The Sandlot. Anyone know?

Was Doug Funnie the biggest main character loser in TV history? I guess I stopped watching Doug when I started noticing members of the opposite sex, and discovering hair in places where there was no hair before, but as far as I know, I don't think he ever came close to ever getting a piece from Patty Mayonnaise. Just tell her you're obsessed with her!!! Girls love that. Plus, his fantasy superhero self wore his underwear outside his pants and a belt on his head. That's brutal.