Playoffs? You Kiddin' Me? Playoffs? Don't Talk About Playoffs!

Thoughts while watching an obscene amount of playoff football this weekend:

I grew up in Vikings country. They played in Green Bay at least once a year. If the Vikes played in a different time slot than noon, then the Packers game was televised. When I was a kid, I didn't miss a playoff game, when Green Bay was in it every year. The point is: I have seen an assload of Green Bay games. And about 138 times per game, the PA plays that little music beat and the crowd yells "Go Pack Go!" After EVERY SINGLE touchdown, they play "Bang on the Drums" by Todd Rundgren. And yet, I am not sick of either one of them. But I've seen that Beyonce commercial (lemme lemme lemme lemme upgrade ya!) only like 5 times, but #6 is going to send me into an insane asylum. Go figure.

AJ Hawk looks like someone who would've been the coolest guy ever in like 1989. I bet he has a big-ass Chevy pickup truck with a window decal of Calvin pissing on a Ford logo, and he goes around the locker room blasting GNR and calling the rookies "dweebs" and "dipsticks" and calling black teammates his "homeboys."

For the most part, I enjoy Brett Favre. The only thing that has always drove me nuts about him is how after every single play, he unbuckles his chinstrap, then rebuckles it before the next one. Every single play. Now I noticed that Matt Hasslebeck does it too, even quicker and more annoying than Favre. He'll throw the ball incomplete, the camera immediately cuts back to him, and the strap is already dangling. What the fuck? Are chinstraps that uncomfortable? Does a teammate put itching powder or fire ants in there as a practical joke before every game, and neither Favre or Hasslebeck has figured out who the culprit is yet? Does Mike Holmgren make his QBs do laps if they don't unbuckle after a play?

Remember when I said I hadn't met a single neutral NFL fan who hated New England? Well, now I have. Kyle's buddy Jimmy despises everything about them. So there you go.

I wanted to see the Colts and Pats go at it again in the AFC Championship, so I was cheering for the Colts against the Chargers....all the way until the first play from scrimmage, when I remembered that I absolutely hate the Colts and there was no way I could ever cheer for them.

Philip Rivers is the definition of a douchebag. No further thoughts on that.

Does anyone get more questionable calls go their way than Indy? Unbelieveable. They're the Dwayne Wade of the NFL. And their crowd is used to it now, too. Manning can't throw an incomplete pass without the crowd screaming for a flag.

Here's a team I like even less than Indy: Dallas. I think T.O. is my least favorite athlete of all-time; Marion Barber talking shit after every routine three-yard run is getting old; and you've gotta question a dude who can correctly read and pick apart a cover 2 defense in the course of a three-step drop, but yet is making the conscious decision to date the dumbest box of rocks in the history of starting quarterback-movie star couples.

What's going on? I'm almost, like, for positively sure that Tony said the guys in the green shirts AREN'T on his team. Why does he keep throwing it to them? Should I go down there and tell him? Geez, who knew that hockey would be so confusing! I hope the cameras are on me right now, I look totally hot in this jersey that Tony gave me. I wonder who #9 is, anyway? I don't see anyone down there who has pink numbers on their jersey like mine does.

Putting money on Eli Manning is kind of like taking an ugly girl home from the bar. You know it's a terrible idea from the start, but outside influences help convince you to do it. Then while it's happening, all you can think about is how stupid it is that you ever thought this was a good idea. Then it's over, everything turned out OK, but all you want to do is get as far away from the decision as possible, and you vow to yourself that you're never doing it again.