Just Thought You Should Know

Didn't know that one of my favorite rap songs of all time (Apache by the Sugarhill Gang) was actually a rip-off of a realllllly shitty disco rock song, but this video has brought me a lot of laughter and I have watched it more times than I care to admit. Go go to youtube and type in 'Apache Video' and enjoy the moustache.

Guitar Hero: Greatest Invention Since Sliced Bread

Just go to your local Best Buy, plop down your 70 bucks and don't ask any questions. People shouldn't be allowed to have this much fun.

NFL Preview '06

Because I always do a preview in my head but don't say anything to anyone, and people who claim that they knew something was going to happen but don't say it until it is happening are full of shit, here is my NFL preview, and when this stuff does happen and I brag about it, you can't call me an asshole, cause I said it was gonna happen right here.

First off, my biggest rant of this offseason: Daunte Culpepper is still good. He had 6 (six!) bad games last year. I am with you, they weren't just bad, they were terrible. But that's it. Six games. The year before that, he had arguably the 3rd best season in NFL history for quarterbacks. Except Peyton Manning had the best one ever, so Daunte flew under the radar. But all it took were those six shitty games last year, and everyone is throwing him under the bus. I don't care that he has the hands of an 11 year old girl. I've heard that before. I'll take the Dolphins for 11-5 and Daunte to throw for 3,500 and 27 TDs, as well as being the key to my fantasy team. I am firmly buckled in and my Dolphins bandwagon is pulling out of the driveway. There are spots available, if anyone is interested.

Bandwagons that are far too crowded: Panthers, Cowboys, Redskins. The Panthers are good, but when too many say they are, it never ends well...speaking of things not ending well, TO has already trashed Jeff Garcia and Donovan McNabb...now he is paired with one of the most sensitive QBs in the league in Drew Bledsoe. Why not just sign Ryan Leaf or Joey Harrington as QB now and really cause a scene? How many games before TO tears Bledsoe in the press? Put the over/under at 5.5. And Bledsoe cries in the huddle by week 8. And the 'Skins just aren't that good. They throw money around every year, but for whatever reason this year everyone thinks they threw it at the right people. Mark Brunell hasn't been good since 2000, and this is the Giants' division to lose.

Another bandwagon with plenty of open seats: The Kansas City Chiefs'.

Beware the Madden Cover jinx, Shaun Alexander. If I was an NFL player, they couldn't pay me enough money to be on that cover. I wish I was kidding. I am just wondering if it applies to everyday people, as well. Like if you put John McJohnson from Bumblefuck, North Dakota on the cover, would he get fired, left by his wife, mauled by an escaped mountain lion and killed in a freak toaster fire?

Watching the Bengals be good for a year was kinda fun, but now they don't have a cakewalk schedule, and someone is going to get sick of Chad Johnson's shit and put him in the hospital. Odds are 1-2 that it is someone on his own team.

The Vikings are going to be waaayyy worse than anyone thinks. Don't let last years' little stretch fool you. If they couldn't win with Culpepper, Moss, multiple stud RBs and a bought-and-paid for defense, they aren't winning with Brad Johnson, the Amazing Taylors Travis and Chester, and a year older D. Offensive lines don't win championships. I'll take Last Place in the NFC North for $800, Alex.

AFC Division Winners: Miami, Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, Denver
AFC Wild Cards: New England, Kansas City
First round: Denver over New England, Miami over KC
Second round: Denver over Pittsburgh, Indianapolis over Miami
AFC Championship: Denver over Indianapolis

NFC Division Winners: New York, Chicago, Carolina, Seattle
NFC Wild Cards: St. Louis, Arizona
First round: Chicago over Arizona, St. Louis over Seattle
Second round: New York over Chicago, Carolina over St. Louis
NFC Championship: New York over Carolina

Super Bowl: Denver 24, New York 20

R.I.P. Red Sox Season

That's about all I have to say that about that. Has college basketball started yet?

Form of: Earth, Wind, Fire, Water, and Heart!

Chicago was an absolute blast. Thanks to Chelsey and Mike for their hospitality, enchiladas, and tatertot hotdish. Thanks to God, who turned the weather forecast in Chi-town from brutal to beautiful overnight, and thanks to the Beer Guy at Wrigley Field, who made sure that "those kids from North Dakota" did not go without service for more than a half-inning. Random thoughts from the trip:

My Uncle Keith loves scotch almost as Ron Burgundy.

Nothing I have seen live at a sporting event tops the celebration in the 10th inning at Wrigley. Nothing.

When you get hammered in a real city, you have to have your head on a swivel, what with all the train schedules and stops and taxis and whatnot. You can't just stagger to your car and make the drunken 3 minute drive home.

I think I saw Culligan Manor from the top of the Sears Tower.

The speed limit in Wisconsin might as well be 85, cause that's what people are driving. Put a dent in my passing ratio, which was still a tidy 639-26.

After introducing Paul to his hero (and Ryder Cup captain) Tom Lehman, I now owe him nothing for the rest of our lives.

How we didn't get booted off the El train for starting a drunken 4 man (and 2 woman) Royal Rumble on the upper deck is beyond me.

Don't underestimate PGA courses. They look approximately 27 times harder in real life.

The groundscrew at Wrigley, no matter how persuasive you are, won't let you pick leaves of ivy off the outfield wall.

Road trip staples: Stevie Wonder, Meatloaf, Pepperoni Pizza Combos, crazy sunglasses. Road trip cancers: Funyuns, country music, Rachel's Bad-itude.

Windy City!!!

Off to Chicago today to visit Chelsey and Mike, see the Cubbies play the Cardinals in a day game at Wrigley (thus checking off another one of my life goals), and going to the Sunday round of the PGA Championship at Medinah, hopefully to watch Phil hoist the Wannamaker Trophy. Road trip baby, Road Trip. Back with more details.

Great Scott, Marty!

Just another example of how the man on the left, Bill Simmons, is actually my other self that got separated from the DeLorean, and that it is imperative that we don't run into each other while he tries to get our parents together at the Enchantment Under The Sea dance:

From Simmons's article on espn.com today:

Big Papi should have won last season (even the Yankee fans agree now) and seems to be in the running this year....The DH thing will hurt Ortiz in any voting, which doesn't quite make sense -- so if he played 90 games at first base and gave you a C-plus there, that would make him more valuable? I don't get it. Bonds won the MVP in 2003 and 2004 moving around in left field like Redd Foxx. That gave him more credibility than Ortiz as a DH? Crazy.

Compare that to what I said yesterday. What can I say, great minds think alike. I'm just waiting for my book deal.

A July 31 For The Ages

Do you think it would be OK if we just hand the MVP award to this man right now? Do we have to finish the season for him to deserve it? I don't care if he is "only" a DH. That argument cost him the hardware last year, but if you don't think that David Ortiz is the most valuable player in major league baseball, then you are an idiot, and you can go watch the WNBA so you can have sports arguments with other fans who are idiots. I mean, Gay-Rod goes out there and boots easy grounders and throws balls away (especially in key spots) and he is rewarded with the MVP over Ortiz because he plays the field, allegedly making him more valuable. How is he helping the team by being a below-average fielder? You could make the same case for Bonds a couple of years ago, too. He couldn't even throw out his own hobbled knees trying to score from second. Ortiz could go out there and play a mediocre first base and win MVPs, but I guess instead he'll just go out there and get walk-off hit after walk-off hit, and not hit .208 in late-and-close situations.

Anyways, Oritz's dramatic homer last night inspired me to an absolutely magical round of golf at Poppy Hills on the PGA Championship game at Boston's. Coming off a ragged performance last week, I fired up a tidy little -21 (15 birdies, 3 eagles) to knock off the previously unheard-of course record by 2 shots, only needing 16 putts in 18 holes. That score will never be touched, certainly not by me or T. Nels, so I think I might as well just retire, as my arcade golf career just peaked at age 23.

Mazeltov!!!

Just returned from St. Cloud, where Lindsey and I did our best Wedding Crashers impersonation, thanks to our friend Jenny, who immediately called and invited us to her friend's open bar wedding when she first heard about it. If Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn have taught us anything, it's that it is perfectly acceptable to go the wedding of two people that you don't know.

It was a lovely ceremony. Hands-down highlight was the gospel reading that came from, you guessed it, Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. True story. I had to battle to not laugh out loud, or "LOL", as it is commonly known these days. Lindsey and I fought off the looks of puzzlement from everyone who didn't know us. It was borderline OK for me, as I could pass as Jenny's date. Not so for Lindsey, but she handled it well. Rule number 76: No excuses, play like a champion. Kind of an MVP weekend all-around for Lindsey, due in large part to the 394 fist pounds that she handed out to strangers while bar-hopping the night before.

The open bar was a huge success, and Jenny's ex Adam and I had a great time grabbing beers, giving them to some random person, and telling them to deliver them to each other across the room and give each other a sexy wave afterwards like we were buying drinks for a girl. Good times all around. Unfortunately, since it was approximately 137 degrees and bridesmaids were passing out from heat exhaustion, the dance was cancelled, and my bullpen let me down with the bridesmaid that had been eye-humping me all evening, and I ended up with a no-decision.

All-in-all good times, and now I feel like I am primed for Josh and Heidi's big day this Saturday. People like to be in the prescence of true love. It's powerful stuff.

P.S. I swear I could've heard The Ville calling my name this weekend, Benny.

Just for Danny

Because I haven't written anything for a while, and because Danny has been waiting for this list for quite a while, here are my 12 favorite NBA players, in order.

1. Kirk Hinrich
2. Nick Van Exel
3. Paul Pierce
4. Gilbert Arenas
5. Ray Allen
6. Jalen Rose
7. Wayne Simien
8. Adam Morrison
9. Shaquille O'Neal
10. Jason Terry
11. Jacque Vaughn
12. Loren Woods

Could you close that window? I think I feel a Draft in here...

To the right are my friend Danny (playing the role of David Stern) and I, celebrating me being selected by the New York Knicks with the 61st pick overall. Seriously, though, I wouldn't have been that bad of a pick for the Knicks compared to the selection of Ronaldo Balkman at #20. I can't really even get that pissed about it cause I knew it would happen. I know Isaiah has been a good drafter, but he is in full-on sabotage mode right now. Anyways, my take on the draft:

THE WINNERS

Chicago: Tyrus Thomas will be great. The tourney was no fluke, and watch for his jumper to develop. The fact they were able to make the trade with Portland and pick up a player just to get the guy they wanted anyway is icing on the cake. Plus a black guy with cornrows from Switzerland has to be sweet.

Houston: Trading Rudy Gay for Shane Battier, despite what the analysts say, is a great move. Battier would've been the #1 pick in this shitty draft. Besides, you already have T-Mac on your team, and you can't have more than one player on your roster who doesn't care about anything. Unless you're Miami, I guess.

Portland: A little stupid with the trades, but if you end up with LaMarcus Aldridge and Brandon Roy, that can't be a bad draft.

THE LOSERS

Toronto: If you have the #1 pick in the draft and you end up with a skinny Euro who averages 10 points and 7 rebounds a game, you're brutal. They also broke my rule of never draft a player who plays with hair gel in his hair. I bet of their selections, PJ Tucker becomes more valuable to them. We'll see.

New York: What can you say? I can't wait to start cheering for Knick losses this year.

Seattle: Saer Sene, Denham Brown, Yotam Helperin. Suh-weet.

SLEEPERS:

Quincy Douby, Shannon Brown, Dee Brown, PJ Tucker, Craig Smith

GUYS WHO PEOPLE THINK ARE GOOD BUT REALLY SUCK:

Andrea Bargnini, Josh Boone, Rudy Gay, Cedric Simmons

HOW DID THEY GET DRAFTED? CAN I GET DRAFTED?

Paul Davis, James Augustine, Steve Novak, Will Blalock

HOW DID THEY NOT GET DRAFTED?

Mike Gansey, Taquan Dean

AREN'T YOU HAPPY YOU CAME OUT EARLY FOR THIS?

Daniel Gibson, Thomas Gardner, Curtis Stinson, Darius Washington

OK that's enough bashing of guys who are way better than me at basketball. Props to the Sox for cheering Pedro, then shelling him. 11 in a row. Tomorrow it's off to Morris, Minnesota to see Chelsey and Mike tie the knot. Let's dust off the ol' dancin' shoes.

You're still my boy, Pedro

Tonight marks the return of Pedro Martinez to Fenway Park, the first time he's pitched there since the 2004 World Series. It has been tough watching him the last year and a half in a Mets uniform, especially since he has resurrected a career that seemed to be sputtering late in that 2004 season. It was a tough situation for the Sox after that year. The money Pedro wanted, combined with his mediocre (by his standards) stats that year, made it a fairly easy decision to let him go. In retrospect, now, it doesn't seem like the right move. Granted, the National League is much easier to pitch in (see: Bronson Arroyo), but if this Pedro had shown up in 2004, he would still be in the red and white.

Boston radio stations have been calling for fans to boo Pedro tonight, and if they do, I will watch every Red Sox game on mute for the rest of my life so I wouldn't have to hear those idiots in the stands. This isn't a Johnny Damon situation. Pedro wanted more money, yes, and he probably didn't deserve it, but the Sox slapped him in the face by refusing him an extension in 2003, then giving Schilling a huge contract. Would you stick around? Plus, as Pedro himself put it, Johnny "went to the wrong uniform." Pedro did what was best for him, Johnny did what would spite the Red Sox the most. Pedro didn't turn traitor, he just signed with another team. I am firmly in the camp of keeping people around after a championship, which is why it has been tough watching guys such as Pedro, Kevin Millar, Derek Lowe, Orlando Cabrera, Bill Mueller, Dave Roberts go these last couple of years. The Sox are to blame for some of these moves, but in the other cases, the players had to do what was best for themselves.

It didn't break my heart at the time when we lost Pedro, but now, 2 years later, his loss hurts more than the others. He was the emotional catalyst for this team. Schilling and Ortiz may have taken his place as the leaders, but Pedro was the one who got everyone fired up. Before Pedro arrived, the Sox were a dull, uninspired team for the most part. Pedro had a large role in enticing both Manny and Ortiz to the team, and then lit a fire under everyone's asses all year long. Whether it was starting a bench clearing brawl against the Devil Rays in April by beaning the leadoff man, then throwing a no-hitter for the last 8 2/3 innings; telling Jorge Posada he was going to throw at his head; or throwing down a 70 year old bench coach later in that same game, Pedro didn't take shit from anybody, and installed that attitude with everyone. He was the idiot before the Sox were known as the idiots.

So to the moron Boston talk show hosts, the same ones who wanted everyone to cheer Johnny Damon, I will be giving Pedro a standing ovation tonight. Maybe I will boo you.

The tragic history of "Jim Championships"

After suffering the misery of the U.S. Open and the elation of Miami winning the finals in the span of 52 hours, I started reflecting on all the NBA Finals (and sports finals in general) that I have watched, and the lack of times that my teams have won, also known as "Jim Championships."

I started going through my teams' histories since I started following them, and it wasn't pretty.

College hoops, Kansas Jayhawks, since 1991: 0 titles, 2 heartbreaking title game losses, 2 final four losses, 4 early round exits as a high seed.

Golf, Phil Mickelson, since 1997: 3 majors, 5 2nds in majors.

NBA, New York Knicks, since 1991: 0 titles, 2 finals losses (one in a game 7), many tough losses to MJ and the Bulls.

MLB, Boston Red Sox, since 2000: really only the devestating 2003 ALCS scarred me, which was more than made up for by the greatest comeback in the history of sports in 2004. My team before that, the Cleveland Indians, had the blown game 7 in the 1997 World Series, and the 1995 World Series loss.

NFL, Houston Oilers/Tennessee Titans, since 1989: 0 titles, 1 Super Bowl loss, many choke jobs in the playoffs by the Oilers.

I could count the 1993 shared national championship by the Florida St. football team, because I was diehard back then, but I no longer follow college football, so that title doesn't really mean much to me anymore.

So if you're scoring at home, that's 0-16 in college basketball with 4 heartbreakers, 3-38 in golf with 5 heartbreakers, 0-16 in the NBA with 4 heartbreakers, 1-17 in MLB with 3 heartbreakers, and 0-18 in the NFL with 4 heartbreakers. Not a good track record. Plus all 4 Jim Championships came in 2004 and after, so this was a really sorry record before then.

Then I decided to break it down even further. Not only do my teams never win, but the team I am cheering for out of the actual participants rarely wins, either. I didn't include golf in this one.

College hoops, since 1991: 6-16 (Arkansas '94, Arizona '97, UCONN '99, Michigan St. '00, UCONN '04, Florida '06)

NBA, since 1991: 2-16 (Detroit '04, Miami '06)

NFL, since 1989: 5-18 (San Francisco '94, Denver '98, New England '02, Tampa Bay '03, Pittsburgh '06)

MLB, since 1989: 3-15* (Minnesota '91, Arizona '01, Boston '04) *I would count '03 when Florida beat the Yankees, but I pretend the 2003 World Series never happened.

So there it is, a combined 16-65 (19-103 including golf.) I hereby proclaim myself most snakebitten sports fan ever. I challenge you to tally up your own and find worse. I'll be in my bedroom crying.

Just when I thought I was out, Phil pulls me back in!!!

I thought we were all done with this. Once again, my boy Phil Mickelson broke my heart. With his third straight and (fourth overall) major championship in his back pocket, he decided to revert back to Old Phil again, the Phil who decides to recreate Roy McAvoy's 18th hole at the U.S. Open just for kicks. The Phil who absolutely refuses to take his medicine and punch out to the fairway. The Phil who has me hiding my face in my hands every time he steps over a putt on the back nine at a major championship. The worst part about this one is he had it. He had it. He gave this one away with jaw-dropping stupidity. Hitting driver is bad enough. Trying a hero escape shot with a one stroke lead on the 72nd hole of the hardest tournament in golf, in arguably the hardest course in 40 years on tour, is downright stupid. To say that winning the U.S. Open has been your dream since you were a kid, then to treat that dream with such disrespect as to attempt those shots when that dream was so close to reality....

Speaking personally as a die-hard Phil fan, thank goodness that this was 2006, not 2003. At least I have the other 3 Phil majors to fall back on (once I settle down, which usually takes a few days). If it wasn't for those, this tournament would've been the worst, hands down, in a long, long line of heartbreaking losses for my teams. I have become spoiled a bit the last few years. After 9 years of watching Phil almost win majors ('99 U.S. Open, '01 PGA, '02 Open were the worst), I have had the pleasure of watching Phil break through and win not one, but three in two years. This is where Phil tricked me. I have seen countless 3 and 4 foot par putts slide by the hole on the back nine at majors, to the point where I couldn't watch Phil putt. Somewhere in 2004, however, he became a clutch player. The magical back nine at Augusta in '04. The clutch chip from deep rough to save par on the 18th at the '05 PGA. The stellar, 'I'm not giving this tournament up' back nine this year at Augusta. I was finally over my fear of Phil gagging on a tournament. I watched his short putts with only a slightly irregular heartbeat. I waited for him to stick that 5 iron on the short par 5. I waited for him to roll in the long birdie putt that sealed the win. Waited for him to hit an errant approach, then hit his bunker shot to 4 inches and grin like an idiot at his caddy. Even after his horrific drive on the 18th yesterday, I was a portrait of calm. "That's fine, that's fine" I told my dad as we enjoyed another Father's Day of U.S. Open action, our 9th in a row. "He'll punch out, stick a wedge in there, and bang in a par putt."

But after the calamity that was the next two shots, Phil didn't even have a par putt. Hell, he didn't even have a bogey putt. After his bogey chip slipped past the hole, my dad silently got up and walked to the kitchen to grab his second helping of dinner. He learned years ago to leave me be when my team blows it. He unfortunately has way too much experience in that department. And all of a sudden, it was 1999 all over again. It was 2001 all over again. It was 2002 all over again. The damn U.S. Open. Phil's nemesis. My nemesis. And suddenly his three majors didn't mean a thing to me anymore. I guess no matter how many majors he wins, Phil will always be Phil. Which is why I will enjoy another few major championship victories with Phil, but I will also share a few more gut-wrenching Sunday evenings with him too.

"Ribs...I had ribs for lunch, that's why I'm doing this."

So Ribfest last night was a blast, except for maybe the part where my buddy Russell was arrested for public urination outside of a downtown bar. After the cops told him to get in the car, he asked them over and over again what he did wrong, instead of just getting in the car like he should have, and BAM, they hit him with resisting arrest, and it becomes 600 bucks instead of 100 to bail him out. So we scrounge up the money, send Bergman to the jail in a cab to bail him out, and then Russell and Bergman taxi it back to the bar to meet us and keep drinking, like true Grand Forksians do. The best part is that the cops roughed him up a little to get him in the car, so now he is limping around today and claiming police brutality. Gotta love the Fargo cops, better known as the Gestapo.

Please join me in celebrating my World Series victory over the Houston Astros in MVP Baseball 2005. The AL East title came down to the last day, where David Wells threw a one-hitter to clinch the division over the Yanks. Then I swept the Angels, knocked off the Bad Guys in 6 in the ALCS, and beat the 'Stros in 5 in a World Series that was much more exciting than the score indicates. All four of my wins were come from behind, late-inning victories. Pretty lame on-field celebration, though. I expected better from EA Sports. Schilling took home WS MVP honors, while Johnny Damon took home the regular season MVP in the biggest screw job since, well, last year when Papi didn't win. At least Wells won the Cy Young, but it only lessens the pain a little. In finishing 162 regular season games, the All-Star Game, and 14 playoff games, I would like to thank my tonsils, crappy North Dakota weather, and my priorities, which puts "video games" over "responsibilities."

Predictions for tonight: Dallas will win again in a near replay of game 1. Miami will start out hot, but Dallas will hang around, and a late 3rd-early 4th quarter run will seal it. Dirk goes for 27, Howard for 22 as Terry is relatively shut down. Wade will have another big game with 31, but the supporting cast will struggle and Shaq will get tired and finish with 19 and 11.

Pizzazilla Tastes Good With NBA Finals

Last night I had the pleasure of watching both the Red Sox victory over the Yankees and game 1 of the NBA finals, thanks to the dual-TV action at Danny's house. The other spectators are, from left to right: Jordan, Jenna, Bergman, Ricky's little bro Jeffrey, myself, James enjoying some soon to be world famous Pizzazillla, and Maxie.

I don't think either Dallas or Miami can take much from game 1, besides my boy Jason Terry. After the 1st, Miami couldn't do a thing right, and neither Dirk nor Josh Howard ever got it going. Contrary to what Danny says, without Terry Dallas would've lost by 15-20. The Heat have to find a way to slow him down in game 2, or they are in big trouble. You can't count on Dirk and Howard to shoot 20% ever again.

The Sox were able to avoid a sweep by putting together some good late innings. After leaving tons of runners on base the first few innings, they finally broke it open in the 6th (thanks in large part to Gay Rod trying to field a hot ground ball like a 12 year old girl.) Only down a 1/2 game now, and with Sheffield out til September, I'm feeling pretty good. Not feeling so good about the starting AL all-stars, however. 4 Yanks, 3 Sox, and Vlad Guerrero. Ortiz deserves to start, as does Cano, Jeter and probably Gay Rod, but Manny and Damon are questionable, and Varitek is a downright joke to even make it, much less start. Let's stop letting the fans screw over deserving all-stars and let the league and coaches pick the teams.

I've finally been able to make my semi-comeback to Jim's World after having my tonsils out. Golf is back, and last night I enjoyed a six-pack and a pound, my first Taco John's experience in about 3 1/2 weeks. Scheduled to come off the DL next week: Happy Joe's Pizza Buffet, Softball, Fat Albert's Atomic sub, and mayyyyybe even Noonball.

A special congrats to Horp, who made the leap from "Guy on the Couch" to official tenant of Culligan Manor. However, his stay will be a short one, as he starts polluting young minds as a middle school teacher in Phoenix in August.

Anyone wanna eat some ribs in Fargo tomorrow night?

A Playoffs to Remember

A little disappointed that neither of the conference finals went seven games; I thought for sure that at least Dallas-Phoenix would. Phoenix made a great run this year, and even though I wanted Dallas to win, I would've loved to see another game 7. I see Miami taking home the hardware in another great series. I think the finals is going 7, which means we would get two straight years of finals going the distance, after 10 years of not seeing that happen, since Knicks-Rockets in 1994.

Me, Danny and Ricky were talking basketball the other day and made the point that for the most part, excluding the last couple of years, the NBA playoffs haven't been very exciting since our generation started watching them. Basically, we have three years' worth of Bulls' championships, where they never went seven games in the finals, never fell behind 0-2 or 1-3, and the few game 7's they had in the Eastern conference, you never felt like they were in trouble. Throughout their whole dynasty, you always knew that MJ would pull it out. When Michael retired, the Rockets won two straight championships, and did have some exciting series (Mario Elie's buzzer beaters against the Suns, finals vs. the Knicks, Hakeem wrecking David Robinson after getting screwed in the MVP vote), but then it was back to MJ and the Bulls rolling everyone. The '99 playoffs were sweet (Knicks beating the Heat with Allan Houston's shot, which was kind of the end of the best NBA rivalry of the 90's, and also the best series I've ever watched), watching my Knicks go to the finals as an 8 seed, but not a lot of people took that year seriously because of the strike, plus everyone knew the Knicks had no chance against the Spurs, making for a boring finals. Then it was the Lakers' era, winning 3 straight and basically walking through the playoffs each year (thanks for showing up, Sixers and Nets). Not much drama there, except for the conference finals against the Blazers where they made the amazing 4th quarter comeback. Finally, the last couple years have been good. The Pistons shocked the world by dismantling the Lakers in '04, we had the finals go seven games with the Pistons and Spurs last year, and even though the style of ball wasn't the most exciting, you had the undisputed two best teams playing for the title for the first time since probably '98 with the Bulls and Jazz. Then this year, where between the Lakers-Suns (maybe the best series I have ever watched between two teams I don't care about), the Wizards-Cavs, Heat-Bulls, Suns-Clips, Cavs-Pistons, Mavs-Spurs (amazing) and Mavs-Suns, you might have the most exciting playoffs since we were old enough to follow the NBA. There's no dominant team to remind you in the back of your head that no matter how great the playoffs have been, the champion is inevitable. No Bulls, no Lakers, no Spurs, just a wide-open race. Here's hoping the finals caps it all off. I'll be watching like I do every year, but this year it will be on the edge of my seat.

Bof Teams Played Harrd, My Man

Well Detroit looks donzo after last night; I know I am happy and somewhat surprised and I also know that my buddy Dan is pissed off. I would LOVE to see Shaq win a title without Kobe, and although I don't know if Miami can run with Dallas in the finals, I also don't think there is a person on the planet who can guard D-Wade right now. I wouldn't call him the MVP; I wouldn't even have him in the top 4 (Bron-Bron, Kobe, Nash, Nowitzki) but I think he might be the best all-around player in the association right now. Who shoots 70% on Detroit?

I'm kinda hoping the Detroit gets blown out so we can have a post-game press conference with Rasheed similar to the one from a couple years ago when he answered every question with "Both teams played hard." Every once in a while he threw in a "my man" but you get the idea. That was my all-time favorite press conference. Here's the rest of the best:

2. Bobby Knight's "game faces" where he makes weird faces for about 20 seconds and I piss my pants laughing.
3. John Chaney calling out John Calipari and then getting him when Calipari innocently wanders into the press room, leading to Chaney charging him and the two having to be separated.
4. Shaq's conference when he dropped the "Shaq....Haaaaahhh....He's the master of the universe" or just any Shaq press conference in general.
5. Allen Iverson's dissing of practice a couple years ago...."Practice. We talkin' bout practice. Is we serious? Practice?"
6. Roy Williams crying after Carolina's second round loss in 2004.
7-174. Any time Roy Williams cried in a press conference while coaching Kansas.

I swear if I ever get famous and get to do a press conference I'm gonna say nothing but "Both teams played hard, my man. Both teams played hard."

The Popsicle Final Four

In an epic final four in the 1st ever popsicle challenge sponsored by Gillette, Bomb pops aka Patriot Pops aka Red, White, and Blue pops narrowly held on against some fierce competition. They edged out the upstart Strawberry Kiwi in the semis, and after 3 seed Pina Colada nudged past 2 seed Banana in an ESPN Instant Classic, Bomb pops just barely squeaked past Pina Colada in the final. A great showing from all involved, except Root Beer. I can't get over how much Root Beer sucked ass. Also a big fuck you to my brother, who ate the last Strawberry Kiwi popsicle, preventing a third place game against Banana.

Since I am still incapacitated due to the tonsils being taken out, and I am all O.C.'d out for about the rest of my life, I have played about 35 games of MVP Baseball on the Deuce in the last couple of days. I am currently leading the AL East with a record of 94-55, 3 games up on the Yanks, but getting completely screwed in the MVP voting. Johnny Traitor Damon is leading the race with a .319 average, 35 homers, and 79 RBI (like Damon has hit 35 homers in his career, but that's a different story.) Meanwhile, Manny is hitting .355 with 45 homers and 111 RBI, and Ortiz is hitting .333 with 40 and 122, but neither of them is the MVP? Unbelievable. At least David Wells is the front-runner for the Cy Young. And at least I'm not totally pissed off by a video game's voting system for MVP. I'm off to play another 11 games until the painkillers make me pass out for the night.

Popsicles, The O.C., and Manny Being Manny

So I had to get the ol' tonsils taken out a couple of days ago, which has eliminated things such as golf, noonball, eating solids, and just moving in general from my life. On the plus side, it has helped reintroduce me to some old friends, like popsicles, Playstation, and my O.C. dvds. I watched all 27 episodes of season 1 in just 35 hours, which broke my (soon to be ex) roommate Nate's record, which had stood at 39 hours. It would've been even quicker, if not for the Sox-Yanks game on TV last night. I feel a little like I just broke Dimaggio's hit streak or something, 39 had seemed like an impossible number to reach. Nate is already claiming that the record should get an asterik, since I was sick and had an advantage. I am on the phone with ESPN to start my reality show "Hammen on Hammen" to show the people that my record shouldn't get an asterik. It's all about race with you damn media. Season 2 is on the way next, but I am starting to get a little burned out. Even with my man-crush on Seth Cohen, there is only so much you can take.

In anticipation of the tonsils coming out, I instructed mom, friends, and well-wishers to load me up with as many different flavors of popsicles as I could, so I could settle once and for all the great debate of what my favorite popsicle is. We ended up with 12 flavors, and after a preliminary taste test to determine seeding; the bracket looked a little something like this:

1 Red, White and Blue aka Bomb Pops: 1st round bye
2 Banana: 1st round bye
3 Pina Colada: 1st round bye
4 Island Berry: 1st round bye
5 Strawberry Kiwi vs. 12 Cherry
6 Root Beer vs. 11 Grape
7 Lime vs. 10 Orange
8 Tropical Punch vs. 9 Mango Tango

The first round held pretty true to the seeds, with the exception of 11 Grape knocking off 6 Root Beer. Root Beer was unquestionably the disappointment of the tourney, as it also lost its loser out game vs. Orange. 12 seed Cherry turned a few heads by winning the losers' bracket, outlasting Orange in the consolation final. Over on the winners' side, Bomb Pops (the overwhelming favorite) destroyed 8 seed Tropical Punch, 2 seed Banana cruised by 7 seed Lime, 3 seed Pina Colada ended 11 seed Grape's short Cinderalla run, and in a matchup where it was a shame that someone had to lose, 5 seed Strawberry Kiwi knocked off 4 seed Island Berry on a buzzer-beater. The final four of Bomb Pops vs. Strawberry Kiwi and Banana vs. Pina Colada takes place tonight, proably somewhere between the 7th or 8th episode of season 2 of O.C.

Even though the Sox lost last night, dropping their record to 3-7 this year when I watch them on TV, I thoroughly enjoyed watching my boy Manny Ramirez hit two homers, run through the third base coach's stop sign on a single to right, and capture a butterfly in a jar out in left field. Keep up the good work Manny.