IDEAS THAT I COULDN'T GET TEENS TO SIGN OFF ON:
- Registering for presents on Craigslist. Can you imagine seeing that on an invitation? "The couple is registered at Target, Bed Bath & Beyond, and the 'Farm + Garden' section of Craigslist- Kansas City." Shit, you'd get some awesomely weird presents. And yeah, it would totally open the door to my friends ordering me a bunch of Man-On-Man Casual Encounters, but it would be totally worth it. YOLO, bro.
- While registering, putting a note on the registry that says "Buy me Bonestorm or go to hell!" This is one of my all-time favorite quotes from The Simpsons, and I used it on my parents for countless Christmases....but somehow I can't find it on youtube. If you don't know it, you'll just have to imagine it. And/or watch more Simpsons episodes.
- Invite Ron Barr. Mr. Barr has been a big part of my life, all the way back to the days when he was imparting his insightful wisdom on old-school Sega games like NHL '94, Bill Walsh College Football, and many others. Back in our freshman year of college, I called into his radio show to invite him to my family's Thanksgiving dinner, but after accepting on-air, he pulled a no-show. I forgave him, and promised him I'd invite him to my wedding, whenever the big day came. But alas, it was not to be.
IDEAS THAT I'M PRETTY SURE I COULD GET TEENS TO SIGN OFF ON, BUT COULDN'T MAKE HAPPEN DUE TO GETTING MARRIED ON A BEACH OR OTHER REASONS:
- Having one of those picture montages before dinner, with various pictures of the bride and groom, and the wedding party, or old pictures from college, childhood, etc. etc., you know what I'm talking about.....only set to One Shining Moment. Taking it one step further, I've always thought it would be funny if a couple would take a bunch of random pictures of themselves playing basketball against each other, and playing a One Shining Moment montage. Somebody do that for me before I die.
- Pre-recording the wedding party introductions in the style of how TV introduces offenses and defenses during football telecasts. I'm sure that's not an original idea; I just haven't seen it done personally. That would be pretty sweet. "Easy E. Co-best Man. THE University of North Dakota."
- Having my ushers be JonJon and Finn, just so I'd have a 7-footer and a 2-footer next to each other for pictures. I ultimately decided against it because my only reasoning for it would be to punish JonJon for not giving me or Horp friendship paragraphs in the program when we ushered his wedding a couple years ago (I'm a petty, petty man...but not that petty) and because I'm not sure giving a preschooler that many responsibilities is a great idea. The work ethic on three-year-olds leave a lot to be desired.
VARIOUS INTRODUCTIONS THAT WOULD BE AWESOME BUT WERE NOT ALLOWABLE FOR OBVIOUS REASONS:
There are at least a dozen worthy nominations for wrestling introductions that I can think of, but I narrowed it down to these three:
- If it was the year 1997 or 1998, and I randomly yelled out "OHHHH, YOU DIDN'T KNOW?!?!?!" and you were within earshot, but didn't immediately respond with "YO' ASS BETTER CALLLLLLLL SOMEBODYYYYYYY!!!!!!".....then chances are that you weren't a very close friend of mine. That's just a fact about my life in 1997 and 1998.
- There are a multitude of reasons why it would be awesome to have turnbuckles set up next to the altar (or maybe just get married in a wrestling ring? Ohhhhh snaps I think we're on to something here!) but the #1 reason would probably be so that Teens and I could climb up and give the audience some crotch chops and spit water on them. Yo, Grandma Doris! If you're not down with DX, then we got two words for ya! SUCK IT!!!!!
(Also, I've always thought the DX song was legitimately good. If you blindfolded me and spun me around in a circle three times really fast, I'm pretty sure I'd think that was performed by Rage Against the Machine).
- Chris Jericho's entrance would be perfect if I was trying to interrupt somebody, as exemplified in the above video with The Rock. I could wait until Teens is walking down the aisle, then fire up the Y2J countdown, come out from behind a curtain and stand with my back to the audience, letting the anticipation build, and finally announcing myself with a "Welcome to RAW....IS....JERICHO!" all while Jerry Lawler and good ol' JR yell in confusion and fear.
Wait, did you really think I'd keep it narrowed to only three wrestling entrances? Shame on you. Here's another:
- The nWo theme would be ideal if me and all my boys came out at once. nWo entrances were the best. It was always such a process. First they'd slowly mosey out from behind the curtain. They they'd mug for the camera, casually stroll down the aisle taunting fans, wander around the ring, flicking toothpicks, throwing up the nWo hand sign, and just being general shitbags....and then Hogan or Nash or someone would grab the microphone and talk shit for another 15 minutes, while the others (up to that point, no wrestler ever had more than one person accompany them to the ring...nWo popularized bringing like nine dudes out, for no reason at all) smirked, laughed, and continued to talk trash to the crowd....you could literally go half an hour without seeing anybody wrestle. Those were the best.
- OK no more wrestling intros. What about this one: Coming out like Puff Daddy & Sting at the '97 VMAs. Lane, as the Officiant, would be Sting. I'd be Puff Daddy. I have this song on my iPod. Teens will be 50 yards away, preparing herself to walk down the aisle, and powerless to stop me. And have you SEEN my Puff Daddy dance? It's on point, son. You know what? I'm not ready to give up on this one. File this one under 'The dream isn't dead yet.'
POTENTIAL SONGS FOR OUR FIRST DANCE THAT WERE SHOT DOWN:
"Boom! Shake the Room" by Will Smith
One Shining Moment (I have no idea how to dance to this song-- in fact, I have no idea how to react to this song besides slumping in my chair and crying a little bit-- I just really want this song involved somehow)
Apache by the Tommy Seebach Band
Return of the Mack by Mark Morrison
Too Legit To Quit by MC Hammer
Shake Your Body (Down to the Ground) by Michael Jackson (skip to the 1:50 mark and thank me later for the awesome synchronized dancing scene. Fuck this song is awesome.)
Poison by Bell Biv Devoe
***************
And so there we go. We hit the road tonight, stay a night in St. Louis, mosey down to New Orleans and have a little pre-wedding honeymoon Saturday, and arrive in Florida on Sunday. Then friends are going to start arriving, I'm going to booze and golf and lay by the beach and probably forget the reason why I'm even there in the first place....and then we'll get married on Friday.
Lastly, to answer a popular series of questions:
No, I'm obviously not attending the Kentucky Derby this weekend
Yes, I'm pretty bummed about it
No, not so bummed that it's affecting my excitement for the wedding
I'm betting on Goldencents at 8-1 to win (it's Rick Pitino's horse, I met him a couple years ago at Derby and he seemed like a cool guy, and in Will Ferrell Zoolander voice: "That Pitino is so hot right now").
Yes, I'll be back with a vengeance at the 2014 Derby.
Later skaters.
