Teens and I drive to St. Louis after work. It was *supposed* to be our only sober night....but then BroMo texted me while we were driving and asked us if he and Jess should whip us up some homemade mint juleps. What, am I gonna say no to that? So after we arrived and I quickly finished two juleps of my own, Jess and Teens decided they didn't like theirs (I admit, it's not a tasty beverage your first time, your virgin ride is a little rough) so pretty soon I was four mint juleps and three beers deep. Oh well. Can't be drunk all vacation if you're not drunk the first night.
SATURDAY
Back in the car and feeling good about things, Teens and I drive all morning and stop in Memphis for lunch. If you're ever in Memphis, do yourself a favor and go to Gus's Fried Chicken. It was practically life-altering. There was a loooong wait, but it was worth it-- plus they serve 40's and let you take them out on the sidewalk while you're waiting. Fried chicken and 40's?!?!?!?! Hello, Wheelhouse? I'd like to introduce you to Gus's Fried Chicken. I believe he's supposed to be inside of you.
After lunch we poured ourself back in the car, with about 5 hours to go until New Orleans. With a belly full of fried chicken, my driving shift done for the day, and the Kentucky Derby rapidly approaching, I knew it was time for some road beers. Although my horse didn't win this year, and the Budweisers were nowhere near "cold", I rode into the Big Easy guns blazin'. It was already 9:30, so we just parked it straight in the middle of the French Quarter and started walking around. In 3.5 hours, we accomplished about everything we set out to do: we walked all over downtown and the Quarter, took a rickshaw ride, drank Hurricanes, ate Po' Boys, walked down the part of Bourbon Street where all the bros are throwing beads and yelling at girls to show their tits (Teens didn't, but I wouldn't have held it against her- we're on vacation!) and spent five bucks on a shitty R&B cd from some street performer. Then we went and checked in at our shitbag hotel (sorry, Teens, but the cheapest room in the French Quarter was $575 for one night, and Daddy's horse didn't win the Derby this year.....our budget just shrank), slept for a couple of hours, and hit the road at 7 the next morning.
Side note: New Orleans was EXACTLY how I pictured it to be. There was never one second where it didn't feel like we were smack in the middle of N'awlins. I love it when that happens-- when the first time you visit somewhere, it feels exactly like it should feel, based on what you've seen and heard of it. Quick top 5 on cities I've been to that "feel just like I imagined them": 1) New Orleans, 2) San Francisco, 3) Boston, 4) Seattle, 5) Augusta, GA. Friends: let's take a Bro Trip to New Orleans someday.
SUNDAY
Back in the car for the last four hours. The anticipation was excruciating; at least the drive was beautiful. Once we hit Florida, I checked off my 45th state in the lower 48. All that's left now for me now are Maine, Vermont, and New Hampshire....so in other words, I'll probably go to my deathbed having only seen 45 states.
We got set up at the beach house, unpacked, and lounged around the pool with my parents, Brother, and Alyssa, all who arrived the day before. Basically, we just enjoyed the quiet before the cavalry started arriving that evening. First it was Easy E, LZE, Fundy and Smapes. Then Emily, Darcy, and their kids. Momma S was next, and soon a quiet evening turned into a few-hundred-dollar liquor store run and playing drinking games until the wee hours. Before the week started, we decided we would vote on an MVP every night. It was originally going to be called the Drunkard of the Day, but we didn't like the negative connotations attached to that word, so we went with MVP. In an upset, Smapes strolled in and won it on the first night.
MONDAY
Teens and I had to go pick up our wedding license at the county clerk's office about 20 minutes away that morning. I figured it would be an in-and-out affair, so I was wearing my very best fedora, swim trunks, douchebag sunglasses, and a brand-new tank top featuring Darth Vader holding a surfboard (thanks Easy E) when all of a sudden the county clerk asked us to raise our right hands and repeat after her. It was quite a scene: me looking like Hunter S. Thompson crossed with Carson Daly at MTV Spring Break '99, Teens hung to the gills and taken totally by surprise, and people in the background in different lines screaming about restraining orders and whatnot. Totally romantic.
Speaking personally, my favorite moment of the afternoon might've been when we were lounging around in the pool, and Easy E went to the 2nd story deck and recited this little beauty from one of the most underrated 80's movies ever, Cocktail:
Paul, Manada, and Brianca joined the fray that day, and after a huge seafood dinner, Monday night shaped up a lot like Sunday. Lots of bullshitting, people meeting people, and drinking games. Fundy looked like he had MVP wrapped up (he called his server Queen Latifah when she was within earshot, we called him out on it, and he responded "Whatever, I'm never going to see these fuckers again!"; and his two rules for our women were "No bras tonight, and pooping only in the morning!") However, Emily, who had put the kids to bed early the night before and didn't get to join us, came out firing starting at about midnight and stole the MVP from Fundy after he went to bed. I also missed a lot of it, but I was assured by everyone who stayed up "OH YES, Emily deserves the MVP." Paul and I recreated Walsh Hall 202A and slept in the bunkbed room together. It was very nice and felt comfortable, but left me feeling a bit wistful, and that maybe the moment had passed us by. Like sleeping with an old girlfriend after a few years of being apart.
TUESDAY
Tuesday morning was the first day of me being unable to sleep past 5:15am. This trend would continue through the rest the week. Not cool. The plus was that I got to sit on the deck, eat a leisurely breakfast, and enjoy the ocean and tranquility of a beach morning. The minuses were literally everything else. YEAH, THE WAVES ARE BEAUTIFUL. CAN I GO BACK TO BED FOR A BIT? WE DON'T TEE OFF FOR ANOTHER FIVE HOURS.
We played our first round of golf in Florida, at a course that we would find out later in the week was the home course of OJ Simpson. I was all set to make a million "Yeah, we didn't see him golfing that day-- he must've been out trying to find the real killer" jokes, but then I remembered he's in jail right now. Dammit OJ. The round went about how it would go the whole week: pretty mediocre, flashes of brilliance, awesome scenery, and ball after ball after ball lost in the water. This wasn't like Kansas or North Dakota courses, where you can spray a drive and just go find it in the woods. At least 14 of 18 holes had water of some sort.
After golf, we chilled out in the ocean and pool (chilling out means that most people were only steadily drinking, rather than getting completely housed...basically if you didn't hit double-digit drinks until dinner time, you felt like you were ahead of the game). We picked up JonJon, Amanda, Schne, and Katie from the airport; Teens' bridesmaid Kaylee and her fiancee Bird arrived alive; and we kept on truckin' that night. Bird pulled a classic "I'm so excited that it's my first night of vacation, watch me drink ALL the beers!" move, and won MVP rather convincingly. He may have ended up in Kaylee's doghouse, and we didn't see him until about 4 the next afternoon....but that's a small price to pay to nab the MVP award your first night, in my opinion.
Coming next week: Part II.
