Me, for legitimately wanting to see this movie because my boo Selena Gomez is not wearing what one would call an excessive amount of clothing at any point in this preview...
Or Teens, for following Paulina Gretzky on Instagram solely to stalk her pictures with Dustin Johnson (Paulina's new boyfriend and Teens' #2 after Channing Tatum) and express her feelings about said pictures-- which range anywhere from dismayed muttering that I don't think she realizes she is saying out loud, to exclamations like "Are you kidding me Dustin?!?! You stay away from that WHORE, she has a WHORE FACE!!!"
To be honest, it's probably a race with ultimately no winner and two big losers.
But still, let's get serious, Dustin. I have to side with Teens on this one, Paulina is a straight-up dirt job. She may be the daughter of the greatest hockey player in history (besides Jeremy Roenick in NHL '94, of course) but if we're playing a word association game, when I hear her name, "Wayne" is not the first Gretzky I think of**. You can do better, DJ.
**I put this in a footnote since only Grand Forks people will know who I'm talking about, but I would align Paulina more closely to "Gretzky", the grown man who used to hang around the elementary school warming houses and try (and fail) to dominate little kids in hockey-- hence the sarcastic Gretzky nickname. One time Kauk tied him to a chair for two days after Gretzky pawned off Kauk's TV, and the city stepped in and said they couldn't live together anymore. If that story is wrong then I don't want to be right.
