The Top 5. Volume 14.

It's only kind of a top 5 list though, since I couldn't really figure out how to rank them- plus there are 6. Here are some fictional bars that would be interesting to drink at in real life, in no particular order.


1. Peach Pit After Dark- Beverly Hills 90210


Fun factor: Off the charts, IF you're in the mood for that kind of night. During its initial opening, the Peach Pit After Dark was just night after night of raves and dance parties, which I can totally get on board with. I always kinda wished I had been college-aged in the early 90's, mostly because my dance style (a combination of MC Hammer and Michael Flatley) would've gone over much better in that era than it did in the early 2000's.

Music scene: After the dance party era, the PPAD made a subtle shift into live music. And let me tell you, if you love artists that are either a) a couple years away from being popular, b) a couple years removed from being popular, or c) never ever EVER going to hit the big-time, then this is the nightclub for you. Oh, and what about the musical stylings of David Silver? Does that interest you at all?

Chances a guy like me gets his ass kicked in a place like that: Basically non-existent. Rich white kids don't fight in Beverly Hills. I mean, there's always a chance that Dylan is off the wagon and drunk again, but most of his alcoholic tendencies are self-destructive- simply put, he's a lover, not a fighter. Plus, if 90210 taught us one thing, it's that there is no such thing as black people, at least not for more than a one or two-episode arc, so gunplay at the Peach Pit After Dark should be pretty minimal.


2. McLaren's- How I Met Your Mother


Fun factor: High. McLaren's combines two of my very favorite bar activities: chilling out and sitting around a table with the same group of friends for hours on end, discussing incredibly trivial and random topics while getting progressively drunker; and giving random girls fake names and backstories and generally just being a douche.

Music scene: TBD. The jukebox doesn't seem to get much play at McLaren's, but it seems like the kind of place where if you fired up some Neil Diamond or some Journey, within seconds, everyone would be cheers'ing each other and singing along. Very similar to the Sandbar here in Lawrence in that by the end of the night, you can conceivably be friends with almost every patron in the bar because of its cozy, intimate layout.

Chances a guy like me gets his ass kicked in a place like this: Pretty low. I would fit in pretty well in McLaren's. Those are my people.


3. Mos Eisley Cantina- Star Wars


Fun factor: Average- as long as you're not a droid. They don't serve that kind here.

Music scene: Phenomenal. I've got the Cantina Song on my ipod, and I could listen to Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes all day long (I'm a gigantic Star Wars nerd, but even I had to google that shit.) Their swinging sounds provide the backdrop for a 1920's-esque speakeasy.....

Chances a guy like me guy gets his ass kicked in a place like this: ....however, beneath the surface of the Roaring Twenties vibe lies the undertow of the seedy Tatooine gangster scene. Any place where a guy pulls a gun because he doesn't like the look on your face is bad news for me. Any place where that guy subsequently gets his arm cut off by a lightsaber, and the entire scene is met with a collective shrug and only a couple seconds of silence before it's party on as usual...well, that's even worse for me.


4. Double Deuce- Roadhouse


Fun factor: Relatively low. Between constantly looking over your shoulder for the next punch to be thrown, and constantly looking over your shoulder for the next punch to be thrown, I'm not sure how much you could relax in this bar.

Music scene: Pretty awesome, in my opinion. Jeff Healey, the guitarist of the house band, is probably my favorite blind musician this side of Stevie Wonder. Although the fact that he has to be enclosed in a wire cage in order to offer psuedo-protection from the barrage of beer bottles that are thrown at him throughout the night is a bit concerning.

Chances of a guy like me getting my ass kicked in a place like this: Either astronomically high or astronomically low, with no in-between. There are really only two scenarios in play: 1) I get my ass kicked on the reg, requiring hospitalization on a near-weekly basis after taking a beating from either a grizzled old man, a black belt in karate, or a grizzled old man with a black belt in karate; or 2) I get completely left alone by the obscene number of tough guys in the Double Deuce, because I look like such a pussy with my gelled hair, collared shirt, and biceps the size of an average 14-year-old. The wild card would be little-known scenario 3, wherein a brawl breaks out and I jump into the fray, sucker-punching a bunch of chicks before beelining for the door.


5. Moe's Tavern- The Simpsons


Fun factor: Brutal. Unless there are specific shenanigans afoot, Moe's gives off a certain "My life sucks, so I'm going to do my best to drink the rest of it away, alone on this barstool, avoiding any sort of conversation whatsoever" vibe. This was alarmingly similar to Charlie Brown's in Grand Forks all day long, until we showed up at 3 pm on Fridays and breathed some much-needed life into the place.

Music scene: Pretty depressing. 90% of the time, the only things you'll be hearing in Moe's are the depressed grumblings of Homer, Moe freaking out after another prank call from Bart, Barney belching, and the drone of the 8" shitbox TV Moe has overhanging the bar. I would be throwing money into the jukebox all night in an attempt to liven the place up. Although, you never know when the next random Aerosmith, Red Hot Chili Peppers, or U2 sighting will occur at Moe's.

Chances of a guy like me getting his ass kicked in a place like this: Low. All these barflies are too depressed to actually throw down in fisticuffs. Although Moe's penchant for pulling out a loaded shotgun could prove to be problematic after I play the same Michael Jackson song 12 times in a row on the jukebox....twice.


6. Paddy's Pub- It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia



Fun Factor: Changes from day to day. The majority of the time, you could belly up and spend your day just getting after some pitchers (for some reason, Paddy's seems REALLY conducive to tying one on in the daytime, maybe since the characters are doing it all the time.) However, there are always random shenanigans going on in the bar. Some would interfere with your boozing, some would encourage it. Flip a coin.

Music Scene: Basically non-existent; except, of course, for when they started bands and the legendary 'Dayman' song was unveiled to the world. Other than that, provide your own musical entertainment.

Chances a guy like me gets his ass kicked in a place like this: Paddy's seems pretty safe as far as ass-kicking is concerned, but threat of death seems to be a near-monthly occurence.....and there's always the McPoyle brothers and the possibility of getting FORKSTABBED!

Insert Tasteless Joke About 'Icebox' Here

>> Hey, remember Icebox from the movie Little Giants?

Yeah. Her. The tomboy who kicks the crap out of everyone on the football field. Apparently she grew up to be one of the hottest girls on the planet. Shawna Waldron- google that name. Just stupid hot. Crush job times 100. Who knew? She is immediately going into my all-time top 5. Also, did I stay up and watch Poison Ivy: The Secret Society in its entirety the other night because she was in it? On the Lifetime network, no less? Yup, sure did. No regrets, that baby was like softcore porn. Why was it on Lifetime, though? What middle-aged woman is enjoying that? Also, for anyone who watches Degrassi: The Next Generation, Emma from that show is in this movie as well, and gets naked all over the place (although it was obviously edited for TV.) I think I need to see the DVD version of this movie. OK, I'm officially rambling. Somebody throw some ice(box) on me.


>> This picutre is neither here nor there, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. The origianal caption on it was No Fucking Way This Would've Ever Happened. I can't wait for the NBA season to start and the hating on the Heat to begin full force. I love a good villain.

Happy Friday. Don't wear a C, and J all over your B's.

In One Word, Would I Use Dope?

Nope.

A little public service announcement, brought to you by former NBC Executive Brandon Tartikoff and the gang from Bayside High School:

There's No Hope With Dope.


Some thoughts:

1. I love how the audience giggles when Screech pops out of his locker, then is quickly cut off. Don't they know this is serious?!? There's no time for enjoying Screech's goofy antics now, this is a public service announcement! They are right in the middle of telling you how bad drugs are!

2. How money is Tartikoff's little fist pump at the very end? I never caught that before. What a badass. You're right, dude, you fucking nailed this PSA. I've got goosebumps too. Well done.

3. Normally, I despise any form of comments on well-trafficked sites (ESPN, youtube, etc. etc.) The diverse array of idiots, trolls, mark-ass marks, trick-ass marks, punk bitches, skig-skag skanks and scallywags (name that reference) can actually make you dumber after reading them, so I generally stay away. However, the highest-rated comments for this clip had me LOL'ing:

- lmfao "in one word would I use dope" Lmfao.......its a yes or no question so no shit it would be one word u animal

- Yea yea yea Zach we know your a pimp.... you dont have to stand up at the end and put your hands in your pockets like a fucking gangster. We know.....we know

4. I hadn't watched this episode in years and years, and yet I still could recite it word for word, including Tartikoff's little monologue. I'll be 87 years old, completely senile, bouncing my great-grandchild on my knee, and he'll ask me about doing drugs, and I'll probably reply: "Dumb. Stupid. Crazy. Dangerous. Stinks."

5. After all these years.....damn I still love this show.

(Missing) Raaaaaaaandy!

>> Gigantic, colossal failure on my part this week. I started really getting into Aziz Ansari around a year and a half ago, when I saw this clip online. At that time, I only recognized him as 'the Indian dude from Human Giant.' But I was hooked from the moment I heard him say "I'm not talkin' about 'I'm looking for an apartment' Craigslist....I'm talkin' about 'Gimme your coffee table and I'll suck your dick!' Craigslist....now THAT'S Criagslist!" and I've been a monstrous fan ever since. I regularly check his tour dates to see if he's performing anywere near Kansas. I contemplated driving up to Chicago this summer just to see one of his performances (and of course to visit my wonderful, wonderful friends up there, but you already knew that.) All of this makes the following so tough: on Tuesday night, Aziz performed in LAWRENCE, KANSAS, ABOUT 3 MILES FROM MY EFFING HOUSE.....and I had absolutely no idea. None. Not until my "buddy" JDub called me afterwards and proudly announced "Guess where I just came from?" (I put buddy in quotes because after this slap in the face, I'm not so sure that I still want to be friends with him.....he wouldn't even know who Aziz was if I hadn't introduced him into his life!)

So now the last couple of days I've heard friends go on and on, laughing and re-hashing jokes from that night, as I grit my teeth and try not to have an inappropriate angry outburst. And I've got no one to blame but myself (and JDub.) This is my bitter face.


>> Also in the "I had no idea that happened" department.....apparently Emma Watson chopped all her hair off. What the hell?!? Dumbledore must be turning over in his grave right now! And now Selena Gomez stands alone. After the Lindsay Lohan/Hilary Duff heyday, it's a little depressing that there are so few actresses who are hot in an incredibly inappropriate way these days.


>> A couple nights ago I watched MacGruber. I mildly enjoyed myself, and was laughing pretty hard at a couple parts. The next day, when I thanked my friend Bri, who had let me borrow it as long as I returned it to the video store for her, her comment was "Well I thought it was 4 dollars I'm never gonna get back." And I realized if I had paid for that movie, I would've been pretty pissed too. Which brings me to the question of the day: what movie (for you) is best described by "I'm happy that I watched it, but also very happy I didn't pay to watch it"?


>> I'm off to the gently rolling hills and calm waters of northern Arkansas this weekend, to play golf and watch football and visit some family. Happy Friday.

Crush Job

There was some mild confusion a few weeks ago when, talking to some non-Kansas friends, I used the term 'crush jobbed' to describe being hammered. The term was born a few months ago, when my buddy Munch (so nicknamed because of his love for Law & Order SVU and Detective Jerry Munch) texted me to see what I was doing. I replied, somewhat boozily: "gettin' crush jobbed at Sandbar." Munch found this hilarious, spread it around to our mutual friends, and his other friends, and boom- a new phrase was born. Since that day, my borderline blacked-out, nonsensical text has grown to mean a few different things:


1. To be severely drunk; to be within or nearing the blacked-out range.

Example: "We went to the Outhouse last night, rolled in a cooler full of Natty Ice and $8 champagne. Got completely crush jobbed. Woke up the next morning on the sidewalk outside the Salvation Army with one shoe missing, no shirt, and buffalo sauce smeared all over my chest. I think I fistfought a stray dog at some point. Damn I love BYOB strip clubs."


2. A very good-looking woman. A step below a 'Smoke Show', but a step or two above a 'Bang Maid.'

Example: "How 'bout that girl over in the corner? Anastasia? You get a dance from her yet? You wouldn't believe the things she can do with both hands tied behind her back- what a crush job she is. Damn I love BYOB strip clubs."


3. A very long and straight tee shot on the golf course.

Example: "You only had 185 yards in for your second shot on #17? That's a par 5! Crush job, dude. Hey, you wanna go to the Outhouse later tonight? Damn I love BYOB strip clubs."


Also, when writing this post, I checked for 'crush job' on urban dictionary, and sure enough, there was this entry:

The act of crushing a man's testicles to give yourself or the recipient immense sexual pleasure. Nutcrackers and cymbals may also be used if the "CJer" cannot execute the technique properly. WARNING!!! One can be involuntarily crushed by having sexual intercourse with a woman weighing over five hundred pounds.

Needless to say, that is NOT my intended meaning. And I'd love to meet the man who receives immense sexual pleasure from getting his balls (singular in my case) crushed by nutcrackers and cymbals.

So go ahead and use it if you want. It's sweeping the nation. And by nation, I mean a small group of dudes in Lawrence, Kansas. Same thing, really.

What's In The Bawwwwwwwwx?

The greatest icing I've been involved in so far:

I get a voicemail from a strange phone number last Friday afternoon, about 2 pm. "Hi....Jim? This is Deborah from the United States Geological Survey here in Lawrence, and, ummmm.....we've got a cooler here with your name on it. We're gonna be closing our offices early today, so hopefully you can get here in the next half hour to get your, um, cooler."

Wondering if this is some sort of a mistake (3% chance) or some prank that my asshole friends are playing on me (97%) I call Deborah back, and she explains that their organization does a lot of soil samples, etc. etc. and are constantly mailing coolers to each other with their findings, but rarely receive coolers on behalf of individuals such as myself. I quickly try to apologize, but she is laughing and totally cool with everything. She rattles my cooler around over the phone, and tells me that it sounds like its contents are "a little something for the football game tomorrow." She tells me she'll leave the cooler outside their front door, and to make sure and have fun.

I pick up the cooler after work, but don't open it. At this point, I'm figuring that it is the case of Michelob Golden Light that I requested Gangel bring down with him from Omaha (I know most of my friends still living up north don't take it for granted, but for the rest of you up there: treasure that beer as long as you live in one of the seven or so states that sell it. You have no idea how much you'll miss it when it's gone.) I wait to open it until Gangel arrives that evening, and it's not until we're standing in my kitchen and I'm literally cutting the duct tape off the cooler that it dawns on me: this is going to be a Smirnoff, and I'm about to be the victim of an overnight Fedex icing.

Sure enough, it was a single Smirnoff packed in about 8 pounds of ice. To top things off, Gangel taped a homemade message on the inside of the lid, referencing the end of the movie Seven where Brad Pitt's wife's head is in the box. (Also referencing a clip from this video, which continues to be hilarious to me. By my count, this is the third time I've linked to it, and don't bet that it will be the last.) It turns out that Gangel really mailed it to my address, but probably due to the return address (Gangel's company) being somewhat similar to the USGS, and the fact that they are regularly shipping and receiving coolers, it got mailed there by accident.

So as it turns out, my package at the USGS was both a mistake AND a prank from my asshole friends. The rare daily double. Pretty good ice, bro.





One other note from the weekend: Lane, Gangel and I wore some UND gear for the NDSU/KU football game. As Happy Gilmore would say: talk about your all-time backfires. The NDSU fans in attendance knew what we were trying to do (when some came by and trash-talked us, Lane dropped one of the best lines I've heard in a while: "What do you guys know about winning?" It's not particularly vicious, but it's still spectacular. What comeback can you use there?? Although that kid would've had a pretty good comeback approximately three hours later, but we don't need to rehash the worst loss in KU football history.)

However, out of the KU fans, I'd say 25% knew what our intentions were in wearing the shirts; 25% didn't understand/didn't ask; and 50% thought we were cheering for NDSU. At the bar after the game, after the 37th KU fan came up to us and either a) congratulated our program on a big win, or b) told us to go fuck ourselves, we finally just said fuck it and stopped correcting people. It's not that I expect everyone in the country to be well-versed in North Dakota college rivalries, but holy hell. My shirt didn't even say the words 'North Dakota' on it, it had a giant fucking Sioux logo on the front- but it was green, so apparently that means it's NDSU. One middle-aged guy, after being told that UND was different from NDSU, actually exclaimed, "You mean you guys have TWO universities up there?!?!?! Holy fuckin' shit!"

Maybe I gave KU football fans too much credit.

Wesleyyyyyyyyyy!

>> I'm mildly unexcited about my fantasy football team this year (the Double Deuces, team logo pictured above.) Partly because the draft didn't go exactly how I would've liked- I had a huge boner for Aaron Rodgers this year, and typically, Lane took him one spot in front of me, only to put him on the trading block immediately after the draft; and partly because I can't get over how amazing my team was last year point-wise, and all I got to show for it was a 7-7 regular season and a first-round exit. I'll never have a fantasy team that unstoppable in a 12-team league ever again (Chris Johnson, Andre Johnson, Brandon Marshall, Tony Romo in a good year, Packer's defense, etc.) and that realization sunk in during our draft this year.

I'm happy that I got Romo again; that semi-gamble paid off for me huge last year, so he'll always get free pancakes at my house. I love that I was able to get Jahvid Best and Kevin Kolb late in the draft, both to be used as trade bait (I'll be surprised if Kolb is still on my roster by week 10) and as a rookie sleeper to help my own team (I'll be surprised if Best is not starting for me by week 10.) I hate that Lane took Rodgers at #7, I thought for sure he'd be there for me at #8. I hate that my best running back is Frank Gore (he might have a good year, but I don't trust him at all.) I hate that I didn't get the Packer's defense, who I've quietly drafted the last few years, and is always an awesome D to have- they give up yards in bunches, but ALWAYS force turnovers, and return picks for scores every other game it seems like.

On one hand, I love that my boy Chris Johnson is (arguably) the best back in the league, and the proud owner of the coveted 99 overall ranking in Madden this year....but on the other hand, I hate it, since I had absolutely no chance of drafting him this year. I drafted him his rookie year when I knew he was gonna be a good sleeper, and I snagged him again last year, then took crap from everyone when I said he was gonna be the best player in the league. Kinda the stupid feeling you have when you find an awesome underground band, and you love them before everyone else, then they blow up and go mainstream and you get pissed at all their new fans. I dunno, maybe it's just that I've never had a favorite player who was anywhere close to the best player in his respective league (my favorite KU player this year is Brady Morningstar, for fuck's sake.)


>> Finn Leedahl is officially walking now. This is awesome because A) it's fun to watch, 2) he can feed me popcorn, and d) we're now one step closer (no pun intended) to him learning to talk and us being able to teach him stupid things to say. Get psyched, Finn.


>> Hey, have you read the fake twitter account of someone pretending to be Mickey Rourke? Quality. High quality. Maybe the best fake twitter account I've seen.


>> College football starts tomorrow, which means little to nothing for me from a football standpoint, but everything from a tailgating standpoint. NDSU (my alma mater's hated rival) comes down to Lawrence for the opener this year, so I look forward to booing the shit out of them- from the confines of the tailgating area, of course. It's pretty rare that I get to rep UND down here, so I look forward to the opportunity. Plus the Gangel Express in coming in from Omaha, so let the shitshow begin. This is my excited face.

Happy Friday.