New Beasties

Despite the fact that they are now white rappers in their MID-FORTIES (holy shit how old are we getting??????) the Beastie Boys are still awesome. One of the music groups that influenced me the most during my formative years.

The clean version of their new album leaked a few weeks ago, so they just said fuck it and put the whole thing on the internet the other day, and it's fantastic.

I'm usually good for purchasing one CD a year. Last year I went over my quota and bought two (Vampire Weekend and Aziz Ansari-- which is a comedy CD, so technically I still only made one musical purchase in 2010.) So I suppose the Hot Sauce Committee pt. 2 can be my CD for 2011.

Top 10 favorite Beastie Boys songs (a top 5 just doesn't do them justice):

10. She's On It
9. Sabotage
8. Girls
7. Intergalactic
6. Sure Shot
5. Root Down
4. Cooky Puss
3. Ch-check It Out
2. So What'cha Want
1. Shake Your Rump


***************

Lately I've been getting some crap for not posting as often, which is probably warranted. I could blame it on the fact that sometimes the creativity level ebbs and flows; or that the weather is nice now, so there's golf and softball and other outside activities ("activites" meaning sitting outside and drinking) or a myriad of other reasons....but the main culprit is that I found a guy who has put every episode of The Wonder Years on youtube, and that takes up most of my internet time these days. I owe it to myself to make that internet priority #1; I can't in good conscience pass that up. What an unbelievable show. I'm halfway through season 2, and I've almost teared up on five separate occasions already. Sorry for partying.

Sobchak, Sesame Street, Sports

>> There is no shortage of reasons why I love Walter Sobchak. There hasn't been (and couldn't possibly be) a greater movie character representation of my dad, right down to his stance on firearms, Pacifists, and personal appearance in 1992. At our city league basketball game the other night, an instance occurred, wherein the ref thought that some natural in-game banter between myself and another player was escalating, when it really wasn't. When he started getting pissed off, while the rival player and I weren't even mad, I saw a perfect opportunity to drop a Walter Sobchak on him, inspired by this scene (only the first 30 seconds of it, then I don't know what this youtuber started doing.)

"You need to CALM down!"
"I'm perfectly calm, dude."
"Are you CALM?"
"Calmer than you are, dude."

And then I was hit with a warning, with a promise of a technical to come. Apparently he didn't get the reference. I thought the Dude was supposed to abide.


>> Latest song that has crawled into my brain and lives there is a little different than usual. Although Will. I. Am is the artist....this song came from Sesame Street. I wish I could blame this on sitting in a car with Finn for 18 hours last month, but Lane and Skye told me to download this song before then, so I already loved it BEFORE Finn and I shared headphones and listened to it a million times consecutively during the road trip. Puppets continue to be my weakness. Look at Cookie Monster nodding his head like fucking Busta Rhymes in this video.


>> Not a great time for me as a sports fan. The Red Sox, as loaded as they've ever been on paper, have one of the worst records in baseball. KU blew another tournament game to a mid-major, then the Morris twins (who were quickly becoming two of my all-time favorites) went pro. Even the Sioux hockey team lost in the Frozen Four (in truth, I barely care about that, as I haven't actively followed UND hockey since 8th grade- but I did watch the entire game last week, and it sounds more impressive to have a list of three negative things here.) Now is the time of year where, after just reading and following the league through the internet and rarely watching games, I jump all the way on the NBA bandwagon- the Oklahoma City Thunder to be exact. They became my team a couple years ago when they drafted my boy James Harden, and they never disappoint. So fun to watch, and a decent steal at 18-1 to win the title this year. This is my excited face.

Things I Think About During Songs, Volume 1

Song in question: 'Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm' by the Crash Test Dummies.


When the Crash Test Dummies are singing about the three oddball kids (verse 1: boy gets in a car accident and his hair turns from black to bright white; verse 2: girl won't change in the locker room because she has birthmarks all over her; verse 3: boy goes to a Pentecostal church and "shakes and lurches" all over the church floor) are all these kids classmates? Were these kids based on the Dummies' own school experiences? Is it purely fictional? I have an idea who the subjects of my song would be....

Verse 1. Once, there was this guyyyyyy whoooo......was smarter than everybody else, knew it, and let everyone else know about it. He would openly scoff at anybody who answered a question in class incorrectly. If a hot girl in Algebra class would ask him how to calculate something, he would snort, give a complicated answer that was way over her head, and then make a derisive comment about how easy it was. And I secretly loved him for it. The normal brainiac would just be thrilled that the hot girl in class was talking to him, and probably end up doing her whole assignment for her....but not this guy. No fucking way. We always joked that one day he would rule the world, so we were always extra nice to him.

Verse 2. Once, there was this boyyyyyyy whoooo.....used to roll himself into a ball and told us to roll him down the hallways at least once a day. He also changed his name a couple times a month, unleashed his patented "human banshee scream" whenever things were getting too quiet in the classroom, and during gym class would mostly run around in circles pretending he was in a war and shooting everyone with an imaginary machine gun, and if the ball came anywhere near him (regardless of sport) he would grab it and launch it like a grenade, making explosion noises when it hit the ground.

Verse 3. Once, there was this kiiiiiiiid whoooo.....used to talk about karate all the time, and tried to be the school bully, but would constantly get beat up by lesser foes. The last time I ever saw him was in 6th grade, when he ran screaming from the gym following another lost fight, jump-kicked the swinging doors open, and went sprinting down the hallway. Then 15 years later he friend-requested me on Facebook under his rapper name, started inviting me to all his rap concerts in North Dakota, and has statuses like "Mane dis beat slammin peep it."

Crunchy Beef Burrito Is On Firrrrre!

Crunchy beef burrito...c'mere, come pop a squat next to Daddy. Crunchwrap Supreme....move dowwwwwn the bench. All right, it's getting crowded in here. Everyone out, everyone out, c'mon. Not you, crunchy beef burrito. Not you, chili cheese wrap from Sonic. Not you, turkey & taco meat grinder and cheese tostada from Red Pepper. Not you, six pack and a pound from Taco John's. Not you, buffalo chicken strips and waffle fries from Henry T's. Not you, Bootlegger with no tomatoes from Jimmy John's.

~ looks down at Crunchwrap Supreme ~

Ohhhh, this is uncomfortable.

Really, this was just a unnecessary and fairly convoluted way to say that Crunchwrap Supremes are no longer my favorite drunk food. A good percentage of you probably saw what I was doing there, but if you didn't, this clip might help (Dr. Evil at his best.) Clearly the part of Mini-Me was being played by the Crunchwrap Supreme, and Crunchy beef burrito was cast as Scott Evil. I could've just had a post that said "Crunchy beef burritos are delicious. They are my new favorite drunk food. Crunchwrap Supremes, while once carrying my favor, are no longer in the top spot." But what fun would that be?

Making Friends Through Racism

I've only made one blatantly racist comment to a minority's face in my life***. It was a few years ago, shortly after I moved to Kansas. We were about 20 beers deep (not an excuse, I know) and on our way to The Outhouse (I know, I know...still not an excuse) when we went into a gas station with a couple of Indians working behind the counter, and I exclaimed "Hey, what's up, Kumar and...Kumar!" Not my proudest moment. Seemed like a good idea at the time. Over the last year or so, this same gas station has become one of my go-to's for gas, chew, and individual cans of Coca-Cola Classic. Besides location, a big reason that it took the #1 spot in my rotation of gas stations is because one of the "Kumars" from that incident a few years ago recognized me, enjoyed the Kumar joke, and has been breaking my balls every time I've walked in there since. He screws with me, I screw with him; it's quite an entertaining relationship. If he's behind the counter, I know it's not going to be a boring trip to the gas station. And all because I made a racially insensitive joke while shitfaced and on my way to a BYOB strip club. Networking skills, son. Networking skills.

(Also, the gas station in question is almost always an interesting place to be. Hippies, homeless guys....just yesterday the guy in front of me in line had a marmoset monkey just chillin' on his shoulder while he paid for his merch. Lawrence people....The Shamrock on 9th and Ohio. Make it happen.)


***Not counting Russell. His Tiger Woods-lookin' ass deserves it though. Plus everybody knows how stupid Hawaiians are.

2011 All-Ugly Team

A tradition unlike any other: the All-Ugly Team. This year's team is being coached by Shaka Smart. Why is a relatively young, generally good-looking guy coaching the team this year? Because fuck VCU, that's why.

Bench:

Justin Graham, San Jose St. American Idol called, they said you should probably audition if you're gonna have that shitty haircut. Then they sent you a text message that says 'You look like a chick, bro'

Ryan Kelly, Duke. You can always depend on Coach K to have at least one ugly dude on the team. He doesn't consider himself just a basketball coach. He's a leader of men.

Tyler Zeller, North Carolina. Text convo between Fundy (Carolina fan) and I at the beginning of the year:

Me: Zeller is making the All-Ugly Team this year
Fundy: he's awesome, I love him
Me: he's got handlebars for ears
Fundy: well it will be something for me to grab onto when I let him suck my dick

Corey Fisher, Villanova. A three-year member. Congrats, you get a jacket for that.

Mike Bruesewitz, Wisconsin: Does Wisconsin actively recruit ugly white guys, or do they get uglier once they set foot on campus? It's the chicken and the egg.

Steven Pearl, Tennessee. A little too Shia LeBouf-ish for my taste. (Speaking of Shia LeBouf, his co-star from Even Stevens on the Disney Channel got naked in a movie a few months ago and she looked GOOD. I take crap for my Disney and Nickelodeon girl fetish, and rightfully so, but those girls grow up. And I like to be there for it. We need the Biebs to dump Selena Gomez, her career to go in the tank, and the nudity in film will start flowing. Let's share this experience together, friends.)

Curtis Kelly, Kansas St. I don't have any other jokes for him besides the one I used last year about Bubba Gump and getting your lip caught on a trip wire.

The starting five:


Alex Tyus, Florida.


It seems like every year, there is one guy who has the worst hair ever. So he makes the All-Ugly Team. Then the next year, he shaves his head and I either have to take him off the team or at least take him out of the starting five. But I'm not extending that same courtesy to Mr. Tyus. Because his hair last year is probably the worst case of receding hairline/cornrows I've ever seen. Plus even with a shaved head, he's kinda ugly.

J'Covan Brown, Texas.


Also happens to be a douchebag, which always makes me happy. Sometimes I feel bad if nice guys are on the ugly team. J'Covan, I'll see you next month when you're running in the Kentucky Derby. Oh, you're not? Your teeth threw me off. My bad.

Evan Fjeld, Vermont.


An absolute champion moustache. Words cannot describe it, so I'm not going to try. Also props to Fundy and G.Bear, if it weren't for them I never would've heard of this guy. That's why it's a team effort.

Denis Kilicli, West Virginia.


Tamed down a tiny bit from last year, but still looks ugly as he spazzes it up and down and all around the court like a middle school benchwarmer who gets put in for the last 2 minutes and is trying to make the most of it. He will be an All-Ugly starter every year he's in college.

Kyle Singler, Duke.


After four years on the team, three as a starter, and this year as Captain, the All-Ugly Team loses a veteran to graduation. If it was my choice, I would've probably kept him on the bench, but like I've mentioned in prior years, one of the most googled phrases that leads people to this blog is some form of 'kyle singler ugly.' So I've let him be the people's choice. We'll miss you, Kyle. All best in future endeavors. (You no-talent assclown.)