Thursday, April 14, 2011

Things I Think About During Songs, Volume 1

Song in question: 'Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm' by the Crash Test Dummies.

When the Crash Test Dummies are singing about the three oddball kids (verse 1: boy gets in a car accident and his hair turns from black to bright white; verse 2: girl won't change in the locker room because she has birthmarks all over her; verse 3: boy goes to a Pentecostal church and "shakes and lurches" all over the church floor) are all these kids classmates? Were these kids based on the Dummies' own school experiences? Is it purely fictional? I have an idea who the subjects of my song would be....

Verse 1. Once, there was this guyyyyyy whoooo......was smarter than everybody else, knew it, and let everyone else know about it. He would openly scoff at anybody who answered a question in class incorrectly. If a hot girl in Algebra class would ask him how to calculate something, he would snort, give a complicated answer that was way over her head, and then make a derisive comment about how easy it was. And I secretly loved him for it. The normal brainiac would just be thrilled that the hot girl in class was talking to him, and probably end up doing her whole assignment for her....but not this guy. No fucking way. We always joked that one day he would rule the world, so we were always extra nice to him.

Verse 2. Once, there was this boyyyyyyy whoooo.....used to roll himself into a ball and told us to roll him down the hallways at least once a day. He also changed his name a couple times a month, unleashed his patented "human banshee scream" whenever things were getting too quiet in the classroom, and during gym class would mostly run around in circles pretending he was in a war and shooting everyone with an imaginary machine gun, and if the ball came anywhere near him (regardless of sport) he would grab it and launch it like a grenade, making explosion noises when it hit the ground.

Verse 3. Once, there was this kiiiiiiiid whoooo.....used to talk about karate all the time, and tried to be the school bully, but would constantly get beat up by lesser foes. The last time I ever saw him was in 6th grade, when he ran screaming from the gym following another lost fight, jump-kicked the swinging doors open, and went sprinting down the hallway. Then 15 years later he friend-requested me on Facebook under his rapper name, started inviting me to all his rap concerts in North Dakota, and has statuses like "Mane dis beat slammin peep it."