If we were doing an in-depth breakdown of the wedding party in the program, this is what my side would look like:
(Important note: the order of the Best Men will be determined by a half-court shot on a basketball court in Florida, in one of the last days leading up to the wedding. The argument between these two on who would be Best Man has raged on for almost half our lives now, even though I've told both of them for a solid decade now that I would never choose between them, and that it would be settled by half-court shots. The winner gets to stand next to me during the ceremony and give the first speech; the loser will still get a speech, but be subjected to ridicule by the other one for the next 60 years. I flipped a coin to see who would be listed first in the wedding program, and if you feel that coin flip was overkill....then you haven't been listening to these two fight it out since Justin Timberlake still looked like this).
Easy E, Co-Best Man- We've been friends since we were about seven years old. We've been basically as close as brothers since Day One. Most kids had one-night sleepovers; we would stay at each other's houses for days at a time. After logging approximately 8 million man-hours of hang-out time together, there is no argument we haven't had; no difference in opinion that we haven't spent hours hashing out-- whether it's who the hottest girl in our 4th grade class was (Nicole Jackson, holler at me) or who the most talented NBA team in the 90's to not win a championship was (1993 Phoenix Suns, in a close call over the 1996 Seattle SuperSonics and 1995 Orlando Magic.)
Paul, Co-Best Man- Paul and I have also been friends since the age of seven, but if you're comparing this friendship to my friendship with Easy, that's about where the similarities end. Whereas Easy and I fight and bicker like brothers, I'm not sure that Paul and I have even had a minor disagreement. There may have been one time in 1998 when he wanted to eat lunch at Wendy's and I wanted Taco John's, but that might be about it. When we were getting ready to move into the dorms together freshman year, our parents cautioned against it, saying that living together often destroys friendships. Four years later, when Paul graduated and moved out of Culligan Manor, we mitigated our separation anxiety by promising each other to someday buy a duplex together and raise our families under the same roof. Good call, Mom and Dad. Friendship totally ruined.
(Allow me to get mushy for a second: just before my junior year of high school, my dad got a spectacular job offer in Virginia, and it looked like my family was leaving North Dakota. I threw a typical teenager tantrum-- "You're not uprooting me with two years left of high school, I refuse to move to Virginia-- and by the way, we're out of Mountain Dew, why don't you pick up a case at Hugo's today?" In their desparation to get me on board, my parents said if their families would allow it, I could bring Paul and/or Easy E with me. Despite this meaning that their entire lives would be uprooted as well, both of them said yes, they'd move to Virginia with my family and I. Long story short, things fell through and we didn't move to Virginia anyway...but the point is, there is no way that one guy deserves TWO friends that were both willing to give up everything they knew at age 16 to move across the country for me.)
Brother, Groomsman- I still remember the day that my parents brought Brother home from the adoption agency like it was yesterday. I've loved him like he was my real brother ever since then, and I hope (but am not holding my breath) that he feels the same way. OK he's not really adopted, but still. I would guess most adopted brothers are more alike than we are. Brother truly is the son my dad always wanted-- hunting, training dogs, riding motorcycles, working on cars, being able to touch a live fish without squealing and possibly breaking out in tears, etc. I spent most of my free time with sports, video games, and thinking up ways to antagonize Brother next. (When I say 'spent' I really mean 'am still spending.')
1995 was an especially tough year for Brother....Tommy Boy came out, and this scene led me to race home from school, lock the door, and make Brother ring the doorbell so I could greet him at the door. Every day. For months on end. I literally haven't called him AJ since-- but when we did reference him as "AJ", we told people that the initals stood for "Another Jim." Has a Groomsman ever left the Groom at the altar before? It would be good payback for everything I've done to him over the years. Love you, Brother!
Fundy, Groomsman- Fundy and I have been friends since middle school, and shared a bedroom wall at Culligan Manor for four years in college. Some of our favorite activities include seeing how many beers we can drink while watching a single playoff baseball game on TV (we had a one-beer-per-half-inning minimum during the 2003 playoffs...things got ugly) and caring about college basketball way too much. I'd tell you more, but if you added up the cumulative amount of time we've really sat down and talked to each other over the last 18 years, it would probably only be about 35-45 minutes.
JonJon, Usher- JonJon is seven feet tall, and didn't give me a friendship paragraph in his program when I was in his wedding a couple years ago.
Schne, Usher- Schne and I have known each other since we were teammates in little league baseball, but weren't really friends until high school, since everyone knows it's a pretty bold move to be actual friends with someone from another school until you're at least 13. We both share an intense passion for Kansas Jayhawk basketball, the Kentucky Derby, and kickball games in the Walsh Hall Quad. Additionally, if it wasn't for Schne's music recommendations for the last decade, I would still be listening to MC Hammer and the Spice Girls (not that I don't still listen to them, but now I have a little more variety. You get it).
Lane, Officiant- When Lane and I went to 'rival' middle schools in Grand Forks and played against each other in sports, my friends and I thought he was the biggest idiot we had ever seen. It's nice to know that even after 15 years of friendship, I still feel the exact same way about him. Lane's turn-ons include physically and verbally abusing me-- but also being a truly great friend, so I can't ever stay mad at him. Having Lane officiate our wedding will either be one of the greatest decisions of my life, or the main reason why Teens will be googling "State of Florida annulment papers" the morning after the wedding.
Finn, Ring-Bearer/Hype Man- Finn enjoys the movie Cars, playing with toy cars from the movie Cars, video games based on the movie Cars, wearing fake tattoos of Cars characters, and running around the house yelling "Jimmmmmmm's getting married!!!" It is this last skill that I think provides a lot of value to the wedding. You know how Tupac was in the Digital Underground before he was famous? And he would mostly just be a dancer in the background or the guy who chimes in at the end of rhymes, but occasionally he got his own verse? But he was mostly just there to hype up the Underground? That's what I'm envisioning with Finn.
