One of my favorite scenes in Heat is when De Niro gathers his crew together and asks them, one by one, if they want to continue with their planned heist, even though they're well aware that they're all over the radar of Pacino and his detectives. They all say yes, and Tom Sizemore's answer is the best: "Well, ya know, to me....the action IS the juice. I'm in." Just perfectly said. When it comes to Super Bowl bets, I could really care less whether I win or lose. The money is irrelevant. The action IS the juice.
On to the bets:
Little known fact #1: I hate Beyonce. She's annoying, I don't think she's good looking, and she almost single-handedly destroyed the third Austin Powers movie with all her "I'm Foxy Cleopatra, look how sassy I am" nonsense.
Little known fact #2: I LOVE me some Alicia Keys. In fact, I'd put her at the top of my my knee-jerk top 5 Hottest Black Women list, which looks like this:
1. A. Keys
2. Stacey Dash
3. TIE: Halle Berry/Scary Spice circa 1997
4. The chick working the 2am shift at Olympic Gardens on New Year's Eve 2006-2007
5. Michelle Obama (POWER IS SEXY, BRO)
So anyway, it's interesting that they're paired together for this Super Bowl, A.Keys singing the National Anthem, Beyonce ruining the halftime show.
I will be taking the under for Keys' National Anthem at 2 minutes, 5 seconds. I'm taking the under on the Anthem for the first time in my life. I don't really feel good about it. Don't let me down, baby boo.
I'll be betting that Jay-Z comes out for a guest appearance at some point during halftime, because a) he's the only thing that could possibly salvage this godforsaken halftime show, and b) because it will be a tremendous amount of fun to celebrate the winning of that bet, should it come to pass. Something like jumping out of my seat and yelling "You crazy for this one, Rick! It's yo' boy! HOV!" and doing a leaping shoulder bump with JDub, lighting a 20 dollar bill on fire, then using the burning 20-scrill to light a cigar.
I'm betting that Beyonce has her hair crimped, as opposed to straight. Why not. You can come out with it on fire for all I care, Bey'. As much as I love the song "99 Problems", Jay-Z was sorely mistaken. I'd say that of his 99 problems, a bitch is at least 51.
I'm taking Jason Dufner's 4th round score at the Waste Management Open -5.5 over Anquan Boldin's receiving yards. I can just picture me and Duf hanging out now, and his reaction after I tell him about that bet. He casually raises an eyebrow at me from behind the wheel of his '97 Jeep Wrangler (Duf always insists on driving when we hang out together), spits a long shot of Cope into his empty Keystone Light can, turns down the volume on his Lynyrd Skynyrd greatest hits CD, and tells me "That was a dumb bet, dude. I'm going LOW on Sunday."
As you can see, my man-crush on Dufner is reaching epic proportions. I'm officially wandering into Single White Female territory here.
The Ravens will use a coaches' challenge first. Both Harbaughs aren't afraid to throw a challenge or two, so it's gonna happen at some point for both teams.
The opening kickoff of the game will NOT result in a touchback. This is a perfect example of a Tom Sizemore bet for me. Yeah, there's not much chance of an actual kick return here. Factoring in that they moved the kickoff yard line up last year, the game is being played in a dome, and the kicker's adrenaline of the opening friggin' kickoff of the Super Bowl will be through the roof, this will probably end up being booted through the back of the end zone. But what fun is it to bet on that? It's way more fun to watch the return man take those first couple of steps and realize he's going to take it out from seven yards deep in the end zone. The action IS the juice.
No team will score in last two minutes of first half. Couldn't turn down 3-1 odds on this one.
Lionel Messi will score more goals than Frank Gore has touchdowns. I cashed this bet last year when Wayne Rooney got liquid twice and Brandon Jacobs got shut out of the end zone. Let the soccer player vs. running back bets ride, son. LET THEM RIDE.
Will both teams have a field goal over 33 yards? No. If there's one thing about this game that is crystal clear right now, it is that David Akers is absolutely TERRIFIED to attempt a field goal right now.
The first TD of the game will be scored by Randy Moss. If you're not going to take a longshot here (Moss is 18-1) then why are you betting on this prop? Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.
Chris Bosh's points scored ends up being more than the largest lead of the Super Bowl for either team. I think this game stays relatively close the whole way, so as long as Bosh puts up 15 or so, should be easy money, right? Here is my annual "There's No Way This Cross-Sport Bet Can Possibly Lose, So Naturally, There's No Way This Bet Can Possibly Win" bet. Every year, there is one cross-sport bet that looks too good to be true, and it usually isn't. There's a lesson here somewhere, but I am firmly committed to never, ever, ever learning it.
Everybody have fun and be safe during your Super Bowl parties, and remember kids,
It's only a gambling "problem" if you're losing.
