8. Blizzard Draco
Draco rolled through the Wednesday before Christmas and completely destroyed I-35, foiling my plans to drive up to Minneapolis and visit Easy E and LZE. I had to bail out and take I-29 instead, which also involved quite a bit of white-knuckle driving. (We'll get back to that.) Draco, you were an asshole Death Eater, now you're an asshole blizzard. You helped to kill both Dumbledore and my Christmas plans. (HARRY POTTER JOKES, Y'ALL!!!)
7. Sara & Me & SuperFun Booze Face Special Time
For the first the time that I can remember, Sarunas and I went boozing together, and failed to stay up until at least 5am. It's disappointing to see streaks end. She won't be offended that she's this low on the power rankings; we both agreed that it was a failure.
6. The Jungle Bird
The Golf Channel was replaying last year's U.S. Open while I was home, so I had to re-watch the last hour or so, for two reasons:
- Jim Furyk's somewhat enjoyable meltdown over the final three holes (Sponsored by 5-hour Energy, huh Jimmy? Too bad it wasn't a 6-hour energy! Baaaaa-ZING!)
- The Jungle Bird. He was a big, big hit with the family, who hadn't seen this clip before, so we re-wound it a million times, and they were still laughing on the millionth viewing.
5c. Red Pepper
5b. Mom's Fried Chicken
5a. White Sauce
I think it's official: When I go back home, I get more excited for Mom's homemade fried chicken than I do for Red Pepper. There. I said it. Shout-out to the Pepper though, for being named the #1 late night food eatery in America. It's nice when I brag incessantly about something to my Kansas friends and it later gets backed up by actual facts. Makes me sound like less of a blowhard.
As for white sauce, I have often claimed that I would eat dog food as long as it had white sauce on it. So I brought some back to Kansas with me, hoping Teens would whip us up a taco salad or something and we could crush some white sauce. I didn't properly describe my vision of what she should make, and we ended up with whatever this is:
The silver lining is that when I use that white sauce/dog food line in the future, I know that I'm not really exaggerating anymore.
4. Free Beer
The one thing I'll take away from this fantasy football this year, despite easily having the most points and being The People's Champ? Sweeping the season series from Fundy and getting a free night of boozing out of the deal. Schooners taste much better when they're free. Also, Fundy, you still owe me a case of beer. Whenever it's convenient. No biggie.
3. The 11th (Mostly) Annual Schneweis/Hammen Kickball Extravaganza
We had a fantastic turnout, especially considering it was below zero outside. Definitely the coldest game in this event's history-- cue the NFL Films voice: "On the frozen tundra of the Walsh Quad." I wore regular tennis shoes, a track jacket, and light gloves, because I'm an idiot and I don't remember how to dress correctly. When I saw people showing up with boots and choppers and multiple coats, and Timmy B rocking a full-on facemask (camoflauge, natch) I knew I was in trouble. Luckily we had booze. Also, Team Hammen broke a two-year losing streak with a 5-1 victory. Despite being nicknamed Big Ern McCrackern due to my unorthodox pitching style and demeanor on the mound, I've only given up 1 run in 16 innings pitched over the last two years now. Stats don't lie, suck it Landry. Big ups to Weisser, T.Nels, Jacoby, Moose, Konerza, Mark and Rob. Even though I'll be on the opposite team of half of you next year. But whatever.
Random funny moment from the weekend: We were discussing how none of us have really started donating to our alma mater yet, and Aimee asked us, theoretically, if we were to give money to UND, what would we want it to go to? T.Nels and I answered simultaneously:
"An official kickball field"
"A retractable roof over the Walsh Quad"
2. Dakota Magic Casino
So since my detour to Minneapolis was derailed, I was pretty bitter, and determined to have SOME sort of fun during my drive. So after nine hours on the road, I got to the North/South Dakota border, said screw it, pulled off the interstate into the Dakota Magic, got a room, and bellied up to the bar by myself for a few cordials before hitting the blackjack tables. What happened next is a classic North Dakota scene. I paid for my first beer, the bartender gave me a shot on the house along with it, I paid for my second beer....and that was the last time I spent money on booze all night. Why is that?...
1. Grizzled North Dakota Farmers
....A steady rotating stream of farmers, who bought every one of my drinks the rest the night, refusing to let me return the favor, then staying around to bullshit for a while. It ended up being a group of five or six of us, just a constant chatter of John Deere's new line of equipment, how much they think the Lavoy's farm is going to end up selling for, and the new calorie-cutting cafeteria plan that the gosh-damned school board implemented. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there getting absolutely housed, nodding solemnly in agreement when necessary, throwing an occasional swear word into the mix (whether it's necessary or not) and thinking things like "I hope I set the DVR for The Mindy Project before I left town " and "When I put this chew in, I have to do it quick so they don't see it's just a pouch, and I'll pick up more farm cred that way."
I have no idea how I end up in this situation so often. Maybe I'm a good listener. Maybe these dudes just want a sounding board for their stories-- but if they had any idea how big of a pussy I am in real life, I feel like that would end the small talk right quick. The one time I tried to offer something substantial to the conversation was when I glanced at the bar TV and noticed LeBron James clipping his fingernails on the bench, during the game (which I thought was a big moment):
Me: Holy shit! Is LeBron James clipping his nails during the game, or am I just hammered right now? (Editor's note: I was correct on both counts.)
Grizzled Farmer #1: What?
Me: LeBron James! He's clipping his nails right now, and the game is still going on! This is ridiculous!
~Confused silence from Grizzled Farmers 1-5 as they squint up at the TV screen~
Grizzled Farmer #2: LeBron James? He a ballplayer or something?
Me: What?!? Yes! He.....he's that guy right there, clipping his fingernails....he's the best basketball player in the world....you know, LeBron James......
~More confused silence~
Grizzled Farmer #3: So, like I was saying, you seen those new Strong Box batteries that Deere put out this year? Fuckin' great life on those suckers.
Grizzled Farmer #4: Ayup.
Grizzled Farmer #5: Fuckin' A right.
Grizzled Farmer #2: Hey, you chewin' pouches over there, boy?
Sometimes--not often, but sometimes....North Dakota is just the best.
Happy New Year.
