So awhile back, right in the middle of our Boom ROASTED phase (was that really 3 1/2 months ago already? holy shit) we were discussing Noles' upcoming wedding (important stuff like what we're gonna wear, how we're gonna do our hair, if we're bringing dates or not) when Jonye made one somewhat innocent joke:
Noles, your life called, it said you are throwing him away by settling down. Boom. ROASTED.
Now, if there is one thing I love, it's ripping on friends (and having them rip on me.) If there are two things I love, it's "____ called, they want their ____ back" jokes. Don't ask me why, I know they were cool like 20 years ago, but they get me giggling like crazy. They own the keys to my comedy car. So needless to say, Jonye's comment got the ball rolling, and here's how Jonye, Horp, and I spent the rest of our afternoon:
- Noles, fun called....he was just calling to say goodbye, and don't bother calling him back. Boom. ROASTED.
- Noles, every other vagina in the world called, they said it would've been nice getting to know you, but now it's too late. Boom. ROASTED.
- Noles, sex was with fun when he called, and yelled from the background "SAME GOES FOR ME DOUCHE BAG!" Boom. ROASTED.
- Noles, when the other vaginas of the world called and said it was nice to know you, well they called back and said we forgot that you had back hair, so it wouldn't have been an issue anyway, sorry for the mix up. Boom. ROASTED.
- Noles, Barney from HIMYM called, he said Suit Up....then called back and said nevermind, you shouldn't watch his show anymore...Boom. ROASTED.
- Noles, Vegas called and said you're not allowed to come back again. Sorry, no married people allowed, it's not you, it's just policy. Actually, it is a little bit you too, but mostly, it's policy. Boom. ROASTED.
- Noles, 'I'm A Big Pussy' Magazine called, they said thanks for your subscription and your first issue will be in arriving in the mail shortly. Boom. ROASTED.
- Noles, 'Maxim' called, they said yup, now you will have to beat off to me, no more porn allowed.....Boom. ROASTED.
- Noles your mom called, said she was proud of you...then your brother yelled from background PUSSY!....and your dad gave him a high five....Boom. ROASTED.
- Noles, my old bedroom at Culligan called, he wanted to remind you to keep the heat turned up or Jenna will start crying in the middle of the night again...Boom. ROASTED.
- Noles, Big Mike here, just want to say, you're a puss. Boom. ROASTED.
- Noles, your late-twenties called and said what the fuck dude? We could have had some fun...Boom. ROASTED.
- Noles, your freedom called, heard you pick up, and said "Whoops. Wrong number. I was trying to reach Old Nate" and quickly hung up. Boom. ROASTED.
- Noles, Coach K called, he hopes you weren't planning on watching a Duke game by yourself EVER again.....Boom. ROASTED.
- Noles the first two days of the NCAA tournament called, they said it's too bad that you can't drink and you promised you would be home for dinner, PUSSY....Boom. ROASTED.
- Noles, your free nights and chewing called (they hang out together and chewing cannot afford a cell phone, so he used free nights' minutes), they said "Fuck You, really, you would rather watch 27 dresses than just sit and have some chews and Dews?" Boom. ROASTED.
So I'm leaving this afternoon for nearly a week in sunny, beautiful Grand Forks, to golf at my old courses, eat at my old eateries, and drink at my old drinkeries. And also to celebrate the union of two of the biggest Duke fans I know. Kiss the rings, bitch. I'm out. Oh and just one more...
- Noles, Jenna called, she said it's probably about time you got some new friends. These ones suck. Boom. ROASTED.
