I got special sauced on Saturday night, to the point where I had to check my phone the next morning and re-read texties to pinpoint the exact moment where I drove off the cliff (approximately 12:12 AM, in case you're wondering.) Ringer, Shaun, Janelle and I started off the night with bowling, and I can officially add bowling alleys to the list of "Places Where I Can Never Drink Responsibly, For No Explainable Reason." Every time I go bowling (probably about twice a year or so) I end up the night pretty much blacked out. Don't know why. Here is the rest of that list:
Sandbar, Lawrence, KS: This story is a pretty typical night there for me. Maybe it's because it's such a cozy little place, so you basically become friends with everyone in the bar, and there are Moms everywhere to hit on, and the jukebox is fantastic, and it just always seems like a kegger in there or something. Love that place, but it's my kryptonite.
New York, New York, Las Vegas, NV: I'm not positive this belongs on the list, since you're not supposed to be responsible in Vegas, but NY, NY just seems to be the place where all the booze hits me at once. It's like I'm kind of drunk when I approach the doors, and as soon as I step foot inside, I'm a total helmet. I'm gonna have people watch me next time I go, I'm pretty sure you can actually see my legs buckle the second I walk in. However, it's my favorite casino on The Strip, as I always win there, so I will continue to go there every time. (Random NY, NY story: One Vegas trip, I can't remember which, we walked in, I staggered around by myself for awhile, finally sat down at a blackjack table, eyes almost completely closed, and won something like 15 hands in a row at $20 a hand. Then one of my friends came and got me and said we were leaving, and I cashed out, not saying a word to anyone at the table the whole time.)
Muddy Rivers, Grand Forks, ND: I really can't explain this one. I don't know if it was because we'd mostly go there on Sunday nights for $2 dollar bottles or what. I would buy three at a time (double fisting and one for the back pocket) the entire time. Beers in the back pocket! How big of a toolshed am I? (Random Muddy Rivers story: a few years ago we went there and got absolutely crushed. This was in the middle of Paul's "every time we go to a bar I'm going to try and steal everything in sight" phase. So, after unsuccessfully trying to rip a decorative french horn off the wall, he stuffs a pool cue down his pants and up his shirt. There is no way the bouncer didn't see it, as the pool cue was really long, so it was pointing up in his shirt at the shoulder. I'm having a hard time describing this, so if you need a visual, just imagine that Paul was wearing the Legion of Doom shoulderpads under his shirt. ANNNNYWAY, Paul and I start walking home, and I'm pretending his newly acquired pool cue was a lightsaber, and I'm spinning around and waving this thing and making lightsaber noises. Remember Star Wars Kid? Seriously, that was me after an evening at Muddy Rivers. Then I shattered the pool cue on a STOP sign, and Paul got really pissed at me. And that's the closest we've come to a fight in 19 years of friendship.)
And while we're on the subject of me being an idiot, I've been noticing a direct correlation in my alcohol consumption/phone relationship. I have never been much of a drunk dialer (which has served me very well. Sure, I've had a couple of moments, but compared to your average Johnny Push Buttons, not too bad at all. Maybe it's just because I never really wanted to talk to the vast majority of my ex-girlfriends after breaking up with them. But I digress.)
However, I think I have evolved into an ANTI-drunk dialer. The drunker I get, the less attention I pay to my phone. It just becomes something else to have to focus on, when all I really want to do is remember what fake name and backstory I've been using throughout the night, and try and smell that girl's hair without her noticing me. Here's the breakdown:
Beginning of the night/pregaming: I'm usually a texting machine. Responses are well thought out and perhaps even witty; I may even instigate a conversation or two.
Middle of the night: still responding and happy to do so- although I may start flushing phone calls, as I hate trying to talk on the phone at a bar unless it's absolutely necessary.
Towards the end of the night: my responses become short, annoyed, and profanity-laced. Especially if I am close to blacked out, because I turn into a huge asshole when I'm blacked out. Fundy was texting me on Saturday night, and our conversation was a GREAT example of how it goes with me when I'm in this phase of the evening:
Fundy: KU sucks at football, your boys got destroyed today
Me: fuck college football
Fundy: You suck at basketball too. Hahaha just giving you shit, I figured out how to putt and chip today in my last round of the year
Me: fuck off
Fundy: just giving you shit you need to lock it up. college bball is here haaaaaaaa i'm excited
Me: hansbrough is gay
Fundy: i hate you sorry a white boy finally dominates the college game and everyone hates him except me, tylers rule
Me: no response
Fundy: you are going to have to deal with two tylers this year and they are white and dominate (I suspect Fundy was pretty hammered as well)
Me: no response
And that leads me to the final stage, where I just completely ignore my phone. At this point, it has now become too much of a burden to even bother digging it out of my pocket, much less opening it up and reading stuff. At this point of the evening I'm most likely trying to decide what to order from Steak & Shake; or whether or not the stripper's fake breasts feel more like soccer balls, or WNBA basketballs with a little bit of air let out; or whether or not the guy I'm sharing a jail cell with is going to try and rape me when I fall asleep.
It's a vicious cycle. All I can do is apologize, and now at least you all know what's going on in my world when you text me:
OMG, i haven't talked to you in FOREVER!!! same old same old with me, LOL, how are YOU!!!! :)
and I respond:
wwould you be willing, under oath,, too say that u were with me from middnight to 2 AM toni7ght? not fucking joking aroundd right now, WOULD YOU DO IT!!11!!! oh yeahh and never say LOL again in a texsxt fuckin dumb
