The Top 5. Volume 3.

Every guy who has been to college knows and understands the beauty of the fake name. If you're talking to an annoying girl, if you're out of town, or if you're just feeling stupid and exceedingly drunk, the fake name is everything from a lifesaver to a good laugh. Here are my top 5 favorite fake names I have employed at various times over the last few years.

#5: Reemis Kofax. It was not very believable, and it's ripped off from Big Daddy, when Sonny Kofax (Adam Sandler) is pretending to talk to someone else on the phone, "Yes, Uncle Reemis, the catfish are huge," but I have a special love for it because it was my first fake name.

#4: Scott Jamison. I liked this one initially, but now a few years later, it seems dumb. What white guy, especially in North Dakota, has the last name Jamison? One good result of this name was meeting a hot, yet dumb-as-rocks girl at a party on a Friday, giving her the Scott Jamison name and fake number, then coming home on Saturday night to a party going on at Culligan Manor. Apparently she was acquaintances with one of my other friends, and she had just received a tour of the whole place, including my room, where she learned my true identity.  I received a good ass-chewing from her regarding maturity, which is always fun when you're walking into your own bedroom. Great stuff.

#3: Tom Harkin. Mixed feelings about this one as well. I absolutely love it, as I am huge fan of the Chappelle sketch where Howard Dean goes on his rant, finishing with "Byaaahhhh!!!!" He starts out by saying "We're not just going to take New Hampshire...(points to someone in the background) ....Tom Harkin. We're gonna take New York, and Ohio....etc. etc." So to me and a select few who also love the show, it's about as funny as a fake name can be. However, not that many people share my love of the name, or even know what I'm talking about. That is what keeps it at #3. This is the current name I've been using, including pretty much the whole time in Texas a couple weeks ago.

#2: Chip (last name unknown): This one gets #2 for one story, and one story only. A couple years ago, I get a phone call from a number I don't know, so I flush it. The message, paraphrased, is this:

"Hey, Chip, this is Stacy...um, we met at that party last weekend with the Harlem Globetrotters, and I just thought you were really funny, the way you were messing with them, and you were just really funny when we were talking, and, um, and I was just calling to see what you are up to tonight. Call me back. Bye."

A little back story: a couple nights earlier, I was a party at our neighbors' when the Globetrotters, who were in town for an exhibition game, showed up. I was blacked out the entire time, I barely remember a thing.

So not wanting to actually talk to this girl, who I have no recollection of, I have a buddy call the girl back, and ask for details on how "Chip" was fucking with the 'trotters. Apparently, I strolled up to them with a ball, and started going into a 5th grade basketball camp routine, ball between the legs, around the hips, around my head, all that good shit. All while humming the Sweet Georgia Brown song and talking shit to them about how I was just as good as they were. Allegedly, the phrase "The Washington Generals ain't got shit on me" left my mouth. They just laughed, and when they asked me my name, I came back with Chip. And the rest, as they say, is history. To this day I don't know who the girl was; I never called her back.

#1: Adam Banks. Some of you might already recognize this one. That's right, the cake-eater himself, leading scorer of the Mighty Ducks. This one is awesome because you can see the wheels turning in girls' heads as they ponder the name they have been given. The light bulb alllllmost kicks on, but then the booze takes back over, and they accept the name. I've only been busted on it once, by a savvy Vegas girl at the craps table. This name was born on a drunken night in Minot (yeah we were drinking in Minot, hence the reason to spice things up with fake names) and a group of us guys decided to be Banks, Jesse Hall, Dwayne Robertson, Fulton Reed, Greg Goldberg, and Gordon Bombay. We even had our friend Erica be Julie "The Cat" Gaffney.  Another great thing about this name, or combination of names, is most guys you meet will get the reference, but not let the girls they are with in on it. They know what's up.

So next time you are with a bunch of dudes in a strange town gettin' sauced up, don't be yourself. Be the Mighty Ducks. Just don't use Charlie Conway; chicks always catch that one.

The Day After

Been struggling through the day that is always the worst day of the year; the day after Kansas loses. I have been handling it much better than the last two years, partly because I never really felt that confident against UCLA, partly because it wasn't a first round game against an inferior opponent, partly because we have nearly everyone back next year (I'm thinking Brandon Rush is gone.) It was a good run, but looking at their faces halfway through the second half, you knew it was done. Add in the fact that they shot under 50% on layups and dunks, and it's a wonder they stayed as close as they did. On the plus side, following my after-loss shenanigans of the last couple years, my friends are officially scared to do anything after KU loses. We had a sellout crowd at Culligan Manor, employing the dual TVs for the UND hockey game, and there was a stretch of about 15 minutes, starting with about 2 minutes left in the KU game, where no one talked, until finally I said something, and conversation resumed again. I also received no phone calls or texties until a couple hours later. Good times. However, as I started crushing beers after the game and subsequently went out to the bar, I received this award-winning texty from The Woman:

"Call if you need a ride--please don't go to jail tonight--I don't know where it is."

OK enough about KU; my therapist said to stay positive and think about all the good things in my life. I suppose I have to give Memphis props, as they advanced further than I thought they would, and destroyed my bracket by beating A&M. Thanks, guys. That being said, I would have loved to play them instead of UCLA to go to the final 4. With all due respect to Fundy, who shows me love regarding KU, even cheering for them last night, but I am happy to see Carolina crap the bed against G'town today. Anything that results in Roy crying is OK in my book. It will be fun to watch Hibbert and Oden go at each other. Quick picks: Florida over UCLA, Georgetown over Ohio St. We've been blessed by basically having two final 4's this year.

Thumbs down to the Grand Am tournament, which quickly turned into Devils Lake tournament in the last two years that I didn't play. Our last game was downright Fort Totten-esque, played at South Middle School, with refs that didn't know the rules. I am tired of organized basketball in general. I can't remember the last game I played in where there were competent referees.

Also, Brady Morningstar is now my facebook friend. Still waiting for Mario Chalmers, Brandon Rush, Darnell Jackson, and Russell Robinson to answer. Julian Wright doesn't allow random people to give friend requests. God bless facebook. Not creepy at all.

French, your continual pimping of the McGriddle has piqued the curiousity of both my taste buds and myself. My goals for the week now include trying one.

Fan Mail

In response to Dunph from Grand Forks, who said my elite 8 was chalk and I was a homo for picking it, let's do a little breakdown of our respective elite 8's.

Mine: Florida, Oregon, Kansas, UCLA, UNC, Georgetown, Ohio St., Texas A & M

Dunph's: Florida, Wisconsin, Kansas, UCLA, Texas, Georgetown, Ohio St., Texas A & M.

So basically, they are the same, except all my teams are still alive. In closing, Dunph from Grand Forks, don't be pissed that you recently found out that watching Josh McRoberts and Greg Paulus is the gayest thing on TV since the last episode of Will and Grace.

Tourney Thoughts

Due to Blogger being completely gay the last week or so, I was unable to to write any kind of March Madness preview. It's pretty much worthless now because most of the people who read this know my bracket anyway, but whatever:

Elite 8 of Ohio St., Texas A&M, Kansas, UCLA, Florida, Oregon, UNC, Georgetown. Final 4 of KU, Fla, A&M, UNC. A&M over Fla in the final. My upsets that have panned out so far have been VCU over Duke, UNLV over Wisconsin and Vandy over WSU. My unsuccessful ones were Nevada over Memphis, Arkansas over USC, and Old Dominion over Butler. So I'm looking pretty good so far, like everyone else in this chalk tournament. However, my bracket success has not translated into winning money. Not even close. Special thanks to Texas this afternoon.

Best games so far have been Ohio St.-Xavier, VCU-Duke, Vandy-WSU and Pitt-VCU. Shot of the tourney was Ron Lewis's ridiculous shot from the parking lot with two hands in his face to send that game to OT, receiving bonus points for my boy Gus Johnson calling that game. Saturday's awesomeness made up for Thursday's shittiness. Feeling really good about KU as they have been the most impressive of the 1 seeds so far. Rush is the X factor, and when he is on, they become wayyyy tougher.

Commercial of the tourney so far is undoubtedly the Sonic commercial where the guy talks about Charlie, his stomach grumble. "Lookin good dude." Not as sweet as last year when the Applebees guys sang about a "three hour tew-errrrr", but it'll do.

Pictures and stories from Texas once I get the pics from Annie. After this last week and a half, I am excited to hook up to the rejuvenator for a few days and not drink. Peace.

Your 2006-2007 Grand Forks Modo Ramal

Our city league team, Modo Ramal (a team name I never would've agreed to had I known that it was secretly Lamar Odom backwards.) Bottom row: Ricky Shiu, Michael Boser (you may know him as Keanu Reeves,) myself, and Matt Abentroth. Top row: Dan Sondreal, Randy Mo-, um, Ryan Hazzard, and Tony Plathe. I am proud that this team went 6-8 in the top division, overcoming the fact that our tallest guy was 6'4'', and I was the power forward at all of 6'2''.

Texas trip this weekend. Tonight in Minneapolis, Friday in Corpus Christi, Saturday in San Antonio, Sunday in Dallas. Goals for the weekend: get shitfaced, go to the beach, don't get arrested, watch KU get a 1 seed with Wisconsin as the 2 and Memphis as the 3 in their bracket. Hope everyone has a happy Selection Sunday. Peace.

Odds And Ends And Elbows

To borrow a line from Tupac (sort of): FUCK DUKE AS A STAFF, A BASKETBALL TEAM, AND AS A MUTHA FUCKIN' CREW. And if you want to be down with Duke, then fuck you too. The more I hear about the Henderson/Hansbrough incident, and the more times I see the replay and see how blatant that was, the more angry I get. As if enough people didn't hate Duke already. And anyone who plays that card, "Everyone is only saying it's intentional because they hate Duke" can go fist themself. There isn't a person on the planet (Coach Gay included) that honestly thinks that. I think Simmons made an excellent point when he stated what he thinks would happen if the roles were reversed. Coach Gay would have had Hansbrough banned from all of college fucking basketball. Plus, this whole shebangabang reminded me of when Christian Laettner stomped on the Kentucky player in '92. Fucking A. Duke is a bunch of queers. How could anyone cheer for those faggots? OK I'm done. For now.

Simmons also has said he thinks KU is going to win the title, which in no way makes me feel good. I know that he has recently made his foray into college basketball, but watching a bunch of Texas games and TIVOing whatever other major game is on ESPN or CBS does not mean that you know anything about college hoops. As much as I love Simmons, I would rather he not be on board the KU bandwagon. Who punched his ticket to get on, anyway?

With that said, here is a mini-breakdown of some of the top 10:

SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME:

North Carolina: An already very good team just had their toughness factor bumped into the red. The one knock I had on them was their play in crunch time. Hansbrough, who I have thought looks soft at times, is going to absolutely fuck people up now. He's fucking pissed.

Florida: Anyone who thinks they are done because they lost a couple of games in one of the toughest conferences in America (Simmons) can eat shit. This team was built in the Contending For National Titles Factory.

Texas A&M: Probably the mentally toughest team in America, which goes a long way in the tourney.

DOESN'T SCARE ME AS MUCH AS THEY PROBABLY SHOULD:

Ohio St.: Simply for the fact that teams that live and die by the 3 usually don't make it in the tourney. But if they get hot for 6 games, they will roll to the title.

UCLA: I don't exactly know why. Maybe it's the Midwest bias. They're deep, but it never seems like everyone shows up at once. If their entire rotation all came to play for one game, they would be even more amazing.

Georgetown: I have no idea what to do with this team. A couple of weeks ago I had them pegged as my sleeper Final 4 team. Watching a little more of them lately, now I kinda think that they just stink of early-round upset. Gotta love college hoops.

CAN THEY BE A 2 SEED IN KU'S BRACKET, PLEASE?:

Memphis: Here are six words to remember when filling out your bracket: Memphis sucks. Memphis sucks. Memphis sucks. Don't let anyone tell you differently. I already knew that they hadn't played anyone, but I decided to double check to avoid sounding like an asshole, and what I found astounded me. Look at their list of wins: Jackson St., Oklahoma, Kentucky, Arkansas St., Manhattan, Marshall, Ole Miss, Austin Peay, M. Tenn. St., Lamar, Cincinnati, Houston, So. Miss, UAB, E. Carolina, Tulsa, So. Miss, Central Florida, SMU, UAB, Tulane, Tulsa, Gonzaga (by 1), Rice, Houston, UTEP, SMU. Possibly the worst #5 team in the history of the top 25.

Wisconsin: Wildly overrated all year long. Plus I'd rather watch a middle school girls' game than one of theirs.

Nevada: Also hasn't played much of anyone, and I think Fazekas will get killed by a smaller, more athletic forward.

Some other teams that have me mildly nervous thinking about playing them in the Sweet 16: Louisville, Maryland, Virginia Tech, Tennessee, and Indiana. Texas was in this category, but now after what they did in the first half at a rowdy Phog Allen Fieldhouse, they have been moved into the category of "Give Me A Couple Valium Before Tip-off."

In a completely unrelated story, Sausage Egg McMuffins have replaced Breakfast Burritos as my go-to choice for hangover food.

*I apologize for the amount of profanity. Duke makes me angry, and it is reflected throughout today's post.

At Least It's March

As we are in the midst of a two-foot snowfall, the only thing that makes me happy is that it is March. College basketball conference tourneys are starting, spring training is underway, and the greatest day of the year is just two short weeks away. The game between Texas and Texas A&M last night was game of the year so far. Acie Law is absolutely terrifying in the clutch. The shot he hit over Durant with 1.4 left was insane. They had to clean the paint from the rafters off the ball before overtime. Even though they ended up losing, I don't know how I am gonna pick against A&M in the tourney. They're scary good. A win against Texas on Saturday = Big 12 title for KU. Excited to see Durant match up on either Julian or Arthur. Also a big F-U to Georgetown, Florida, Michigan St., North Carolina, and every other team on a hot streak that decided to shit the bed once we laid money on them. Speaking of gambling, I'm resurrecting the pool this year after a two-year hiatus due to spring break trips. Details soon.

Props to everyone who came to the impromptu noon-ball banquet at Royal Fork buffet; those senior citizens didn't know what hit them. I know I got my $7.91 worth in broasted chicken alone. Blogger is being gay and not posting the picture of the destruction we did to their food supply.

Watched Stranger Than Fiction and School For Scoundrels this week and was disappointed by both. We will look back on the years 2002-2005 as the glory days for comedies.

That's all for now; tax returns are piling up, it is starting to snow again, and I'm gonna go sharpen my pencil so that it actually penetrates the skin and into my juggular this time.