However, most the time, a good sports movie asks its viewers to take a leap of faith or two along the way. Sometimes I can buy it, but sometimes this leap of faith is just a bit too far for me to accept. The following is my scale of believability for sports movies, starting with most believable, working its way down to, you guessed it, least believable.
{Important clarification: We're talking believability in the on-the-field sense here; I'm not gonna hate on the entire premise of the movie. I understand that it's pretty unrealistic that a 12-year-old gets to run the Minnesota Twins because his grandfather bequeathed the team to him, or that a corn field magically brings dead baseball players to life, OK? I fucking understand that. That's not what we're here to poke holes in today. Adjust your comments accordingly.}
Major League
The way Major League Baseball is trending these days, I'll believe anything. Did you see Oakland's roster last year, or Baltimore's in 2012? Those were both playoff teams!!! You see Willie Mays Hayes as a lead-off man who pops up too much....I see a guy at the top of the order who creates more runs on the base paths than anyone in the league. You see Pedro Cerrano as a power hitter who can't make much contact besides homers....I see a player who subscribes to the Three True Outcomes theory of hitting. You see Eddie Harris as a washed-up junkballer with a mediocre ERA.....I see a back-of-the-rotation innings eater who, if nothing else, gives the bullpen a rest every few days. It's all about taking advantage of market inefficiencies these days. Who knew that taking shitty intro econ classes in college would help me be a better baseball fan in 2014? BELIEVABILITY SCORE (OUT OF 10): 9.6
The Sandlot
Maybe I just have a chip on my shoulder, since starting in middle school, I systematically quit every organized team sport I played for. By my junior year of high school, I was officially a non-school athlete. Don't get me wrong, I still played sports pretty much every day of my life, whether it was open gym basketball, golf, softball, backyard football, boot hockey, tennis, does frisbee golf count?, etc. I just didn't play for the school. So maybe that's why I have no problems believing a rag-tag bunch of kids who are just playing for the love of the game can put on a hit parade against the cocky kids with their uniforms, and their field with painted foul lines and fancy scoreboard and I TOTALLY COULD'VE PLAYED VARSITY IF I WANTED TO! I HOPE YOU STILL GET A LOT OF USE OUT OF YOUR LETTERMAN'S JACKETS, ASSHOLES. BELIEVABILITY SCORE: 9.2
The Mighty Ducks (all three movies)
I can't really speak to what's realistic and what isn't in the sport of hockey, since I don't really follow it anymore. Knucklepucks? Figure skaters playing right wing? Players pulling a switcheroo and changing into each each other's jerseys mid-game? Why not? I once scored 71 goals in one game with Steve Yzerman in NHL '94 with the offsides & penalties turned on, so I say anything goes. BELIEVABILITY SCORE: 8.7
Friday Night Lights
There can be no exaggerations when it comes to the craziness that encircles Texas High School football, as well as the insane pressure the parents put on their own kids. As a 10-year-old playing Bambino baseball, one time I struck out looking three times in one game, and my Dad told me to get the bat off my shoulder in a tone that was less than supportive. Well, he did pat my helmet afterwards, but I could totally tell he was annoyed. I got moved down from 8th to 9th in the batting order for the second game of the doubleheader, AND we didn't go out for ice cream after the game. I guess that's deceptive though, we still went to Pizza Hut. Still, it was pretty devastating. So trust me, I know all about the pressures of youth sports. I was scarred for years afterwards. It's a jungle out there. BELIEVABILITY SCORE: 7.8
Karate Kid
If you asked me last month if I believed that Daniel could win the All-City Championship, defeating the hated Kobra Kai one-by-one, I might've said no. Since then, however, I've fallen into a couple of youtube rabbit holes of bullies getting trucked by their intended victims....so I think maybe I'm willing to reconsider. (SO AWESOME, FYI. THIS SHIT GETS ME JACKED UP!) BELIEVABILITY SCORE: 6.5
Angels In The Outfield
We can ignore Matthew McConaughey starting in center field and Adrien Brody as an infield utility man for the moment. I'm more concerned with Tony Danza throwing 160+ pitches in a single game. As the manager and/or pitching coach, I'm not even sure that being under the impression that you had actual angels helping out your players is excuse enough to damage his arm like that (and as it turned out, the angels weren't even helping out that game, so it just became REALLY irresponsible.) I hope the angels know how to perform Tommy John surgery, cause that's what Danza had on his plate three months later. Shame on you, Danny Glover. BELIEVABILITY SCORE: 5.4
White Men Can't Jump
Woody Harrelson's "dress like a special needs Beastie Boy, give the aw-shucks act, and above all, be white" ploy would work exactly once, mayyyybe twice, and then one of the following would happen:
a) He would get beat to within an inch of his life and/or shot.
b) The ballplayers of the city would spread the word and warn each other about the white guy pretending to be a goon and hustling people....and then he would get beat to within an inch of his life and/or shot.
Also, Wesley Snipes dribbles way too high. BELIEVABILITY SCORE: 4.7
Rudy
Wait, that was based on a true story? Word?
Space Jam
I'm not going to blame the Monstars for falling for the Toon Squad's second-half gimmicks. Marvin the Martian had completely lost control of the game long before that point-- yes he adjusted his whistle late, but by then, a 50-2 run had already occurred-- the tone of the game had been set. But defensively, I have questions. The Monstars couldn't have come up with some junk defenses to stop Jordan? Box-and-1? Maybe a Triangle-and-2 if you're also worried about Lola Bunny? Just watch some game tape of the late-80's Pistons, they were able to manhandle MJ every year in the playoffs, and he had a much better supporting cast. Say what you will about Bill Cartwright, but he's certainly more valuable than Foghorn Leghorn. Dude straight up burned to death during that game. BELIEVABILITY SCORE: 3.1
A League of Their Own
There is no way on God's green Earth that Rosie O'Donnell holds down the hot corner. She makes Miguel Cabrera look like Brooks Robinson defensively. She's a DH at best-- and I don't care how valuable her bat is, she's still such a liability on the base paths that you're pinch-running for her in late-game situations. No way she posts anything above a 1.5 Wins Above Replacement, and that's not taking into account how her attitude negatively affects the clubhouse. BELIEVABILITY SCORE: 2.4
Happy Gilmore
I didn't see enough progress in Happy's short game to believe that he could win any majors on tour at that point in his career. Sure, he had a good practice sesh at the mini-golf joint, but that was mostly about finding his mental "happy place", not about learning how to hit a cut or draw on command, or how to take the spin off his wedge when there's a front pin placement and trouble short of the green. Happy might be able to take the Zurich Classic in New Orleans by just bombing drives and making some long putts here and there; or maybe win the Reno-Tahoe Open by taking advantage of the Stableford Scoring System, which rewards birdies and eagles....but the Tour Championship is a test of your entire game and shot-making ability. You're not winning the gold jacket when you don't even know what a 4-iron looks like. BELIEVABILITY SCORE: 1.6
Rocky III
The one where Rocky gets crushed by Clubber Lang, does some soul-searching, training, homo-erotic beach sprinting, and then comes back and wins the rematch. What, Rocky just learned how to take a punch now? Boxing doesn't work that way. You can improve your stamina, or bulk up, or change fighting styles, but I'll tell you one category you can't just exercise in order to improve in: "consciousness." You can't just say "Hey, remember when I got knocked the fuck out last time I fought this guy? Well, I've been thinking about it, and this time, when he's doing literally the exact same thing to me in the ring, I'm just gonna shake off his punches by growling and repeating the mantra "Ain't so bad! Ain't so bad!" as he continues to pummel my face with his iron fists." That's not how it works, Stallion. BELIEVABILITY SCORE: .9
