Anyway, in case you were curious, here's what I was thinking, for every game of the NFL playoffs-- before, during, and after each game.
(Note: All spreads are reflected at where I got in on them, not where they started or may have ended up.)
WILD CARD ROUND
Colts 45, Chiefs 44
My bet: Colts -1.5
How I felt before the game: I have a lot of Chiefs friends, so I like to see them do well. I'm still going to bet on the Colts, but it's almost a win-win. If the Chiefs lose, at least I made some money. If the Chiefs win, oh well, at least my friends are happy, and it's not like I'm betting enough money for my thumbs or kneecaps to be in danger.
How I felt during the game: Holy hell, are the Chiefs really going to beat the Colts by four touchdowns in Indy?!?!?!?! Oh....I guess they're not. Yikes.
How I felt after the game: Oh, so the Chiefs lost the game in the most excruciating way possible**, and now I have to feel terrible for all my friends.....AND the Colts didn't even cover, so I made no money on the deal? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
**Actually, the SECOND most excruciating way possible. I don't mean to be a Penelope right now, but my team has the worst NFL playoff loss of all time, AND I watched that game with Dunph, a diehard Bills fan. Just remember, Chiefs fans: Although that game still hurts a little bit to this day, the Oilers/Titans eventually avenged that loss against the Bills, in the greatest way possible....so to borrow a phrase from 2Pac, keep ya head up.
Saints 26, Eagles 24
My bet: Saints +3
How I felt before the game: More or less a coin-flip game. When in doubt, take the points.
How I felt during the game: I was at DVJS' wedding during this game, so I did not see one second of it.
How I felt after the game: I checked my phone at like midnight, when I was totally sauced, and said something to the effect of "Oh cool, the Saints won. Dolla dolla bills y'alllllllllllll! Wads, order me another martini, that last one was delicious."
Chargers 27, Bengals 10
My bet: Chargers +7
How I felt before the game: Dammit I hate Phillip Rivers so much. But there's no way Cincy is covering this spread, they're dicey as hell. I should almost money line the Chargers, but I wouldn't be able to respect myself in the morning.
How I felt during the game: It's like when it's your girlfriend's 21st birthday, and you just KNOW she's going to be completely hammered and say inappropriate things and throw up everywhere by the end of the night, and you're going to be sober and crabby since you have to take care of her. And even though you're totally mentally prepared for it, as soon as it starts happening, you still can't stop yourself from being totally disgusted by it as it's going on.
How I felt after the game: Dammit, Cincinnati, really? You got puke in your purse AND you dropped your phone in the toilet? AFTER you drunk-dialed my grandparents at 3am?!?!
49ers 23, Packers 20
My bet: 49ers -2
How I felt before the game: I'm sorry Aaron Rodgers, you were my boy in the 2011 playoffs, I rode you HARD and you rewarded me with a bunch of covers....but I've spent the last couple years trying to extend the ride, and you're not covering spreads anymore. Time to dismount, Eight Belles.
How I felt during the game: I missed most of the game due to my attendance at a KU basketball game, but I arrived at the bar just in time to see the 49ers drive down and kick a game-winning field goal, and got to celebrate with a random San Fran fan who was pleasantly shitfaced. Cheers, mate.
How I felt after the game: Aaron....Aaron. Look at me. I'm sorry. OK? I'm sorry. Especially since you showed up at a KU game last weekend and it was awkward seeing you. I feel like I put a dent in our friendship a little bit. At least my wife still thinks you're a smoke show.
DIVISIONAL ROUND
Seahawks 23, Saints 15
My bet: Seahawks -7.5
How I felt before the game: I'm strangely confident that the Seahawks blow this open. Smell that? Smells like blowout. Well, that and Henry T's wing sauce. A delicious combo, if ever there was one.
How I felt during the game: Well, both teams look shitty, there goes the possibility of Seattle coasting to an easy cover....what's that, Addy? You took the Saints +8.5? We have a one-point window? IMPOSSIBLE DREAM, LET'S DO THIS!!!
How I felt after the game: "It was all a dream, I used to read Word Up magazine, Salt 'N' Pepa and Heavy D up in the limousine!"
Patriots 43, Colts 22
My bet: Colts +7
How I felt before the game: This game terrifies me. I can see it going three ways: 1) Brady looks like crap again in a home playoff game, and the Colts make juuuuust enough plays to eke out a victory. 2) The Patriots are solidly in control, but the Colts score a garbage time TD late and get a filthy backdoor cover. 3) The Patriots win by like 40. Each outcome has roughly the same likelihood in my head, so I'll take the points, since according to my theories there's a 66% chance the Colts cover. But man am I scared of that other 33%.
How I felt during the game: Are the Patriots gonna blow them out? The Patriots are gonna blow them out. Wait, wait, maybe not? Nope, they definitely are. WAIT...........yes. Yes they are.
How I felt after the game: Whatever. I'm over it.
49ers 23, Panthers 10
My bet: 49ers -1
How I felt before the game: Whoo-whoooooo!!! Is that Wesley Snipes over there? Is that Jennifer Lopez? Cause I swear that sounds like the Money Train pulling out of the station! I'd be taking San Fran even if the line was six or seven points higher. I don't care that they're on the road, son, I don't give a FUCK.
How I felt during the game: Oh, Carolina is winning, late in the second quarter? This is me not being nervous. This is me not worried, not even a little bit.
How I felt after the game: Move it along, Cam. Thanks for playing. Carolina, I'll see you again in another five years, when you get another first-round bye and poop the bed at home again. We can make it a tradition, cool? I'll bring the potato salad, you bring my winnings for when I bet against you again. Jake Delhomme. Never forget.
Broncos 24, Chargers 17
My bet: Broncos -8.5
How I felt before the game: We've seen this movie before, right? Team miraculously makes the playoffs, maybe even scores an upset in the first round, then gets destroyed by a powerhouse, right? RIGHT? Hell, even the Indians got beat in the ALCS in Major League. Phillip Rivers, if you screw this up for me....
How I felt during the game: Actually, we have seen this movie before. It's the one where the favored team fumbles in the opponent's territory, misses an easy field goal, throws an interception in the end zone, and basically leaves as many points on the board as possible. The ending is always the same. Spoiler alert, they don't cover the spread.
How I felt after the game: I believe that movie is called Screw You, Peyton Manning, Since When Do You Throw End Zone Interceptions? Peter Travers called it "A rollicking ride, from start to finish."
CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND
Broncos 26, Patriots 16
My bet: Patriots +5.5
How I felt before the game: I wish I could change my bet.
How I felt during the game: What's the halftime line gonna be? I need to bet on Denver for the second half, and hedge this terrible bet, STAT.
How I felt after the game: I barelyyyyy squeaked out the second half bet, only because New England missed that two-point conversion late. Safe to say I didn't have a great handle on this game.
Seahawks 23, 49ers 17
My bet: 49ers +3.5
How I felt before the game: Feels like somebody is going to win by a field goal. Don't ask me who though.
How I felt during the game: I can say with complete honesty that I don't even care if I win this bet or not. What an unbelievable game.
How I felt after the game: RICHARD SHERMAN, DON'T YOU EVER LET ME HEAR YOU TALK TO ERIN ANDREWS THAT WAY. E.A. IS A CLASSY LADY AND GOD HELP YOU IF YOU EVER PUT HER IN THAT SITUATION EVER AGAIN.
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Final playoff record: 5.5-5 (I'm giving myself a half-win for the second-half Broncos bet.) Kinda disappointing after starting out 5-2. But that's why they call it gambling and not winning, amirite?
