When JonJon and Amanda got married in October 2011, the Red Sox had just finished the biggest collapse in Major League history, so no worries there. When ADawg married Bobbi in 2008, the Sox didn't play during the wedding reception, although I did have to listen to a game on the radio during our nightmarish, hungover drive back home. In October 2007, nobody got married, but I did miss Manny's walk-off in Game 2 of the ALDS. That was my own fault, since I answered a phone call from Katie Z when I probably should've flushed it and called her back after the inning (but I haven't let her hear the end of it for over six years now, and will probably never stop blaming her.)
We have to go all the way back to October of 2004 to find the last time I was at a wedding reception during a Red Sox playoff game. And strangely, it ended up being an awesome memory, rather than an excuse to make passive-aggressive comments to the happy couple for the rest of their lives.
It was during the ALDS vs. the Angels and Brekka's wedding in Minneapolis. There was an open bar, and I would alternate between dancing, giving Jennifer and/or Buckley some excuse why I had to disappear for a bit, then grabbing three beers from the bar, running up to our hotel room, chugging the beers and watching an inning, then running back down and dancing some more. I made it up to the room in time to see David Ortiz hit the series-ending walkoff, and Wojo came into the room in time to see me shotgunning a beer...by myself. All-around great night.
This time around, with the Red Sox playing in Game 6 of the ALCS with a trip to the World Series on the line, there were no TVs available, and no hotel room to retreat to. I did, however, have phone technology that I didn't have in 2004. I was constantly checking for updates, and any time I got too wrapped up in the dance and neglected to check my phone for awhile, well-timed texties from Myshawn, Alfonso, and others served as reminders. After Victorino hit the grand slam and the Sox closed out the win, I calmly walked out of the reception area into the bridal party dressing room (an adjacent room that was more like a warehouse with furniture, a bathroom, and a kitchen in it), closed the door behind me, and let loose with a triumphant one-man celebration, complete with dancing and beer-spraying. At least I thought it was a one-man celebration. Turns out there was a second participant: a previously unnoticed employee of the building. And he wasn't so much "celebrating" as he was "telling me to go ahead and get started cleaning up the beer all over the floor." Whoops. Sorry for partying.
Other shenanigans from what was otherwise a very classy evening:
- In an unfortunate turn of events, hair-smelling came up in conversation earlier in the day. That basically guaranteed that we'd be smelling hair during the reception, and sure enough, that's exactly what came to pass. I had a pretty successful night by the numbers, going 7 for 8 (I got busted by my walking-down-the-aisle partner Dani) but I'd be lying if I said I was content with it. My white whale for the evening was the wedding planner Ashley (see below.) After spending the day planning and scheming my execution and getaway like I was in Ocean's 11 or something, Ashley unexpectedly bounced early, and I was left with nothing but my imagination on what her hair must smell like. Cue up Ron Burgundy:
- Ashley the Wedding Planner was kinda hot. Her hotness started a running joke amongst the Groomsmen all weekend, where every time she would ask us to do something, we would hit on her under our breath and/or after she walked away. So there was a lot of this:
"Hey, I need you guys to go over to that table and get your boutonnieres pinned on before people start getting here."
"Yeah, no problem!.....(quietly)....I love you."
Or:
"Jum, can you do me a favor? Grab this ladder and string these lights up in the front window?"
"Of course, I'd do everything to you!"
"What?"
"I'd do anything for you."
- We've talked about Rock & Roll Part 2 before. I've made the case that not many people love that song more than I do. But when Munch decided he wanted it played during the wedding, I tried to stop him. Warned him it wouldn't go over well. Cautioned him that it could be a dance floor murderer. Begged him not to do it. But he requested it anyway....and it went over like gangbusters. A total crowd pleaser, with almost everyone joining in for a Kansas City Chiefs chant on top of it.
I am man enough to admit when I am completely and totally wrong. (Maybe because it doesn't happen very often, ah-thank you.)
- I am not what you would call a jealous guy. In fact, I'm so far on the other end of the jealous spectrum that it probably could get me in trouble someday....
Teens was asked to dance by one of the guests, a tall, handsome guy named Adam. She didn't really want to, and I wasn't around, but if I was, I would've absolutely encouraged it. She finally agreed to dance ONE song, but then Adam tried to grab her ass while two-stepping, so she bolted off the floor and left him hanging, mid-song. Later on, after I had re-joined our crew and been briefed on the situation, Adam wandered into our conversation, and asked what Teens' story was, and why she was now avoiding him. Teens had continually tried to flash him her wedding ring, but like most clueless guys, he hadn't picked up on it. Technically JDub started the douchebaggery when he introduced himself as Jim, but I followed suit by sliding my wedding ring off and introducing myself as Adam Banks-- this is where we found out that the guy's name was Adam as well.
Now here's where you might think that I, the drunk husband, full of Morgan Diets and testosterone, would throw a punch at Adam for trying to molest my wife; or at the very least, tell him to get the hell out of our circle. Instead, my first reaction was to say "You seem like a good dude, Adam, I don't know what her deal is right now. You just gotta keep trying!" From there, we proceeded to give him possible topics of conversation, and common interests that might help him win her heart.
This continued on for the rest of the dance, to everyone's enjoyment (except Teens.) Finally, at the end of the night, we came clean with Adam on everything, and he was devastated by our betrayal. Before we parted ways, however, he left us with one last laugh: After I put my wedding ring back on and told him that his potential conquest was actually my wife, he processed the information, shook his head, then slowly looked back up at me, his eyes filled with hurt even as he made this realization: "You know something? I'm beginning to think that your name isn't really Adam, either!"
Just classic Adam right there.
- While we were downtown taking the bridal party photos before the reception, Mazzy was lamenting the fact that he didn't have a date for the evening. Just then, a provacatively dressed, gorgeous woman walked by. I told Mazzy to ask her "Hey, are you a flash card? Because you have +1 written alllll over you!"
He declined to ask her. I continue to think that line has promise, though.
- Two factors led to maybe my most questionable decision of the night (which, if you've been reading so far, is saying something.)
1) Our buddy Wags was the videographer, and he commented early on in the day that it was a boring job after the fact, going through hours and hours of footage trying to make cuts for the final wedding video. We told him we'd try to help with that, and from time to time, while he was just panning the camera over the reception area, we'd walk up and say things like "Wags, wanna hear a story? OK, so I'm balls deep in this homeless chick...." Just anything that might crack him up while he was re-watching and making edits later on.
2) I've always wanted to sing 'I Want You Back' by the Jackson 5 during a karaoke night, but I've never had the balls. I feel like I could knock it out of the park, but I don't have any frame of reference, as I'm only really belting it out by myself in the car, in the shower, outside ex-girlfriends' houses while masturbating, etc. Ipso facto, I've never sung it in front of a crowd before.
So, when that song came on during the dance, and I noticed Wags recording the dance floor, I split the difference, and 1) plus 2) equaled me walking up to about six inches away from the camera and laying down my best 12-year-old Michael Jackson impression. YIKES.
Last night Wags sent me this picture with the caption "Definitely going to make the cut...." So whoever watches that wedding video is about to find out if I can sing that song as well as I think I can. I will provide video evidence later on if it becomes available.
- Have you guys heard of the 'Nudify' app? Hours of fun. Schne turned me on to it, I told my Kansas friends, one thing led to another, and now we find ourselves here, with pictures of Double D like this:
Congratulations Steph and Jared. All in all, it was lovely, classy affair (except for our group of friends, who were neither lovely nor classy) that was enjoyed by everybody (well, except for maybe Adam.)
Also, a tip of the hat to one of the best collection of Groomsman I've been a part of: Double D, Womack, Munch and Mazzy. We had so much fun and were having such bridal party withdrawals that a bunch of us had to have dinner together last night, soley to rehash all the shenanigans from the last three days.
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OK, now I know I say this a lot, especially after a rough weekend, but this time I totally mean it...I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN.
Wait, what's that? The Sox are in the World Series? Well don't just stand there dude, go grab me a beer!
