I've been balls-deep in ebay auctions for an iPod for like two weeks now, and if I lose one more auction because someone outbids me with like four seconds left, I am going to lose my fucking mind.
I mean, I don't even want to buy a new iPod. My current edition has been faithful to me for almost seven years, and we all know how I hate to let things go. I'm only in the market for a different one for two reasons:
1. My current iPod can't hold a charge for longer than 15 minutes. 95% of the time, this isn't a problem. I have a docking station in my bathroom, at my office desk, and there's a charger inside of Voltron (I neglected to mention that I got a new car a while back, the Element has been retired. The new ride is an Acura MDX, I named it Voltron. I'll let Bill Hader explain why.)
However, when I'm on the treadmill, the iPod isn't charging, and I HAVE to have music rocking, since I'm not even close to mentally tough enough to exercise without music. So when my iPod cuts out without warning after only 10-15 minutes, this is a problem, because I'm gonna shut the treadmill off right behind it. It's not like I'm running marathons or anything, I'm only running 21 miles per month-- the exact amount of running that lets me eat whatever I want, whenever I want, without getting any fatter. Here's the problem: after I tore my meniscus, I had zero physical activity for three months, and I put on 15 pounds quicker than you can say "Well, no, Teens, I'm getting a 'Six-Pack and a Pound' for just myself, what do YOU want from Taco John's?" True story: starting Wednesday afternoon, I have had pizza for 6 of my last 8 meals (not counting breakfast, I don't play that shit. Breakfasts are for rich people.) So anyway, now I need to get back down to my ideal fighting weight of 190 again. The point is, while I'm not Prefontaine or anything, I do have to be running for longer than 15 minutes at a time. Ipso facto, I need a new iPod, post haste.
2. I got called out by a Mom the other day for how crappy my iPod looked. I can deal with all the jokes I get from friends for how damaged the screen is ("That must have been a bummer when that stampede of elephants ran over your iPod-- what's Jumanji like in real life, anyway?"......"I hope they caught the guy who stole your iPod, backed over it with his car a few times, then returned it to your docking station", etc. etc.) But when a MOM is calling me out for having such a broke-ass iPod, now we have problems.
So all I need is a used, old school iPod, 30GB, nothing fancy, whatever. I don't want a new one, or even a newER one than what I already own. Just one in better shape. I'm not being picky here. We're not talking about Tony Stark technology for a new Iron Man suit or something.
But yet, these things still get all kinds of action on ebay. I swear, if I get outbid one more time, that's it. I will go on a multi-state killing spree, strangling every victim with the USB cord. I'll leave a set of headphones on each victim, then paint each body completely black from head to toe. The media will dub me the iKiller. The evidence will finally start to point in my direction, so I'll take to the road. Paul will be my driver, and we'll slowly cruise down I-435 with a swarm of police on our tail while I threaten suicide. This will take place during Game 5 of the NBA Finals. I'll finally give myself up, hire a bunch of high-priced attorneys and go to trial, and I'll be acquitted amidst a controversy that rocks the nation and encapsulates race relations from coast to coast. I'll spend the rest of my life playing golf and trying to find the "real" killer, until I eventually go to prison for an armed robbery gone bad.
Or hopefully I'll just win the next used iPod ebay auction I participate in.
