As well as this fool. Don't ask me why Schne texted me us TNels' Senior Yearbook photo and why I still have it in my phone; it's a long, sexually confusing story:
I haven't been aggressively drunk in quite a while now, so I'mma see what I can do about that, starting at approximately 7:30 CST tonight. To clarify, I'm talking, like, "Texting the Zidon sisters Journey lyrics without context at 3:45am, asking a blackjack dealer if she'll take my last name when we get married or if she'd rather hyphenate, telling strippers that I used to intern at Facebook and I came up with the idea for the 'Like' button, punting burritos in the Taco Bell parking lot because they forgot to leave off the sour cream" drunk.
Four out of the five of us are engaged/married, so the wingmanning for Morley should be top notch. Last time I was on wingman duty was for Hendo at a wedding a couple months back, and I failed (I got us settled in pretty solidly with a fun group of people, but my middle relievers let us down, then we brought Teens in from the bullpen but she couldn't close anything for Hendo either.) So I've got some motivation. Here are some lines I'm hoping to use at some point over the course of the weekend:
- "See my buddy over there? His dad used to work at Paramount, and they were short on extras one day, so he actually got to be in Forrest Gump. Yeah, he was the kid on the bus who says "Can't sit here." Go ahead, ask him to say the line, he'll only break it out if it's for a girl."
- "I know, you can't even see the scar from where they re-attached his ear, can you? Don't worry, he'll be back and running the marathon again next year. You can't let the terrorists win, you know? Go ahead, say hi. Just make sure to speak into his left ear, the other one is just for show now."
- "Well, he was in L.A. for a couple weeks, working on some development deals, and ended up at some rager in the Hollywood Hills. Long story short....he got Lindsay Lohan's phone number. Wanna text her? It's a ton of fun." (For this one, you need to change the name of one of your phone contacts to 'LiLo' or whatever sketchy celeb is being applied to your situation, and you need a friend willing to participate and cooperate. Don't think we haven't tried this one before. My friend Kelsy played a dynamite Olsen Twin for me a couple years ago.)
Fathers, lock up your daughters.
Casinos, unlock your reserve stash of chips.
***************
The worst part about this trip (keeping in line with the whole "Every time I leave town something else is going on" theme that is my life) is that I'll miss the Breaking Bad finale on Sunday night, only the most anticipated hour of TV since The Sopranos over six years ago.
I'll be driving home Monday, so it shouldn't be too difficult to avoid internet spoilers until I get to watch the DVR that evening....but if any of my "friends" try and ruin it for me, I will destroy you. I am a petty, spiteful man, and I will come down on you with the force of a hundred Walter Whites. I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS.
