Eminem: So what's on the agenda today?
Agent: Well, there's this guy, Jum Hammonds, who used to like your music quite a bit a decade ago. But there's a problem: he's barely listened to you since. Quite simply, we've lost him.
Eminem: So we're gonna try and win him back now? After all these years?
Agent: Precisely. We need to come up with some ideas here today. Fire away.
Eminem: Hmmm...how about I dye my hair blonde again? That was what I looked like when he loved my music, right?
Agent: I suppose that's a start.
Eminem: I could play up that whole serial killer angle I was going for a few years ago...
Agent: Eh.
Eminem: Jokes about the Bush Administration? That's topical!
Agent: Nah, when Jum is listening to rap music, he doesn't really want to hear a bunch of bullshit about politics.
Eminem: Are you sure? What about 'By the Time I Get to Arizona'...he loves that song.
Agent: Well, yeah, but there was a good reason for that song. Arizona had banned Martin Luther King Day, for crying out loud. You were just taking potshots at the current administration for pretty uninspiring reasons.
Eminem: OK, I gotcha. Changing gears slightly: how do we feel about burping and farting sound effects during the songs?
Agent: That's basically what lost him in the first place.
Eminem: Yelling like Pee Wee Herman during the chorus? Making fun of Michael Jackson?
Agent: If I can be frank here, I think the further we stay away from anything we did in 'Just Lose It', the better.
Eminem: Oh! How 'bout this? I rap an entire song while doing my impression of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog! Really, I'll be taking jabs at the character, only IN HIS OWN VOICE. Did I just blow your mind or what?
Agent: We already did that, remember? I thought it was genius, but Jum...well, let's just say he didn't go for it. It's weird, usually Jum loves a good diss track. I guess he just prefers that they're directed towards an actual human being and not a hand puppet.
Eminem: Oh yeah, I forgot we already did that. I fucking hate that puppet. I mean, the nerve, to try and mess with me at the MTV awards! ME! Marshall Mathers! I'M the only one who gets to make fun of people! If I could just-
Agent: Stay on track, Marshall....
Eminem: I know, I know. Sorry. We could always bring in Fitty for a song or two.
Agent: You're on the right track....
Eminem: On the right track? C'mon, that's it right there! Bring back somebody from Jum's rap music heyday that he enjoys. He's a sucker for that shit.
Agent: Very true. It's not a bad idea at all. Bringing in 50 Cent is good, much better than featuring Drake or Lil' Wayne or someone like that. It's just not quite what we need; it doesn't change anything about YOU. What can we do to improve YOU in Jum's mind?
~silence~
Eminem: I got it! I'll just straight-up turn myself into a Beastie Boy!
Agent: AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-O!!!!
Eminem: Quick, somebody get Rick Rubin on the phone!
Jum Hammonds: Good work, fellas. This song is pretty sweet.
