My Preciousssssss

For those who don't know, I'm left-handed.  I'd been dreading having to wear a wedding ring.  Not because of what it stands for, but because it's not comfortable, I hate finger jewelry, and since I'm usually playing basketball, or golfing, or circle jerking with the rest of the Sons of Sam Horn message boards over all the young talent coming up through the Red Sox system right now, I knew I'd constantly be taking it on and off all the time.  Some sort of tattoo on my left ring finger is probably in my future, and luckily (or perhaps it's not luck-- these are the types of reasons I married her, after all) Teens likes the tattoo idea.

But in the meantime, for the first couple of weeks of marriage, wearing a ring was killing me, so I decided to give it a shot on my right hand.  It was much more tolerable, so my next step was to research what it meant to wear my wedding ring on my right hand.  It couldn't be that big a deal, could it?  What I found wasn't enouraging.  Being left-handed was at or towards the bottom of most lists.  From multiple websites, here are the top three reasons they listed for wearing your wedding ring on your right hand:


1.  Being gay or lesbian

I'm not too worried about projecting this image.  People who know me know that I'm obviously married to a woman, and if strangers meet me and think I'm gay, so be it.  More than once in my life, I've pretended to be gay in order to avoid a weird girl at the bar.  One time in a gay bar in San Francisco, the bartender was digging me, so I pretended like I was gay and in the military, flirted back, and got about $150 worth of drinks comped for me, Easy E, and ADawg that night.  Whatevs.  And really, if you watched Paul and I interact, or knew how much we slept in each other's beds in college, it's probably not that far off base. 

2.  Establishing economic independence

This one was mildly confusing.  I guess it's geared towards women who make a lot of money; wearing their ring on their right hand is their way of saying "Hey, I didn't need my man to buy my rock for me, I dropped $30K myself to get the ring I wanted!  Hide the money, y'all!  There's poor people around!  Witcha' broke ass!" 

I had never heard of this reason before, but I like it!  I'm 'bout it 'bout it:  "My ring cost $85, son!  Yeah, getting 'UNITY' engraved in it was an extra 20 scrill, so we're talkin' triple digits now, but ain't no thang!  Rich people don't write checks!  Straight cash, homey!"

3.  Being willing to cheat on your spouse

Apparently wearing your wedding ring on your right hand is code that you're married, but absolutely available for some affair action.  From some of the comments I read, certain middle-aged people know all about this code, and are presumably looking for it specifically before they make their move.  Going to the Sandbar with my ring on my right hand would be like wandering into a cougar den dressed up as a deer with a broken leg.  (Get it?  There's a lot of cougars at the Sandbar?  Cougars meaning older women?  And actual cougars eat deer?  And a deer with a broken leg would be easier to take down?  Ahh, fuck it.  I swear that metaphor sounded awesome in my head.)  Anyway, this is a VERY interesting vibe to put out there.

So if you see me drinking at the College World Series this weekend, with a guy on one arm, making out with another, throwing my independently earned money around....don't worry.  All that doesn't mean anything.  I'm just left-handed.


UNITYYYY!!!!!