(By "everyone", I mean that one time some dude from San Jose wrote me a lonnnnnnng and borderline creepy email about how much he looks forward to the All-Ugly Team every year. Thanks, guy! Glad my real name isn't associated with the blog anymore!)
(Also, thanks, as always, to everyone who gives me a shout throughout the season when they spot somebody ugly and want to make sure that they're on my radar. It's nice to have multiple sets of eyes on the ugly players in college basketball every year. My favorite submission this year was from Jenna, who called Kelly Olynyk from Gonzaga "a real ugly cuss." She's from Wyoming). Anyway, here we go:
BENCH:
Ryan Kelly, Duke. A starter on the 2012 team, he gets demoted this year because his beard really helps him out a lot. Also, even though it's unrelated to his looks, he gets bonus points for my favorite random moment of the season (non-KU division): after his comeback from the injury that had kept him out most of the season, when he came in and drilled his first shot and turned to the Duke student section and yelled "I STILL GOT IT!!!!" It's OK to be cocky if you're actually funny when you do it.
Brady Heslip, Baylor. Still white, unathletic, with crappy hair. Still does nothing but shoot 3's. Still gonna make the All-Ugly Team.
Ryan Broekhoff, Valparaiso. He looks like a middle-aged lesbian who, at all times, is super excited to be on a basketball court.
Marshall Plumlee, Duke. You know those football helmets that have have a bunch of extra padding to help prevent concussions? I know Mark Kelso of the Buffalo Bills used to wear one back in the day. That's what Marshall's skull reminds me of. I mean, it is just an absolute perfectly-shaped crown on top of that dome. I'm not even mad. That's amazing.
Josh Scott, Colorado. If it was me, during the 2012 Presidential Election, I probably would've mentioned the fact that Obama clearly fathered a child with a homeless lady 19 years ago. I dunno, maybe Romney didn't want to get into a mud-slinging contest. I'm not his campaign manager or anything.
Cody Ellis, Saint Louis. He constantly shows up late to his job behind the counter at the Quik Trip at 95th and Washington. He also has plenty of thoughts on Linkin Park, if you want to hear them. He thinks that the Hybrid Theory-era was totally overrated, and that "A Thousand Suns" is actually their best album, if you give it a chance.
Andre Almeida, Nebraska. Allow Kanye West to do this section for me:
That's right, put in work
Move yo' ass, go beserk
Eat yo' salad, no dessert
Get that man you deserve
STARTERS
Hugh Greenwood, New Mexico. My future brother-in-law does a tremendous impression of Hermie from Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, and I can't help but giggle every time I see Greenwood, as that impression rolls through my brain. "Why am I such a misfit? I am not just a nitwit!" Classic.
Mike Bruesewitz, Wisconsin. If his goal is NOT to look like Kyle Broflovski during the rare episode of South Park where they take their winter hats off....then I gotta be honest, I have no effing idea what he's trying to do with his hair.
Trevor Mbakwe, Minnesota. A proud graduate from the Shane Battier Ripple-Head School for Gentlemen. If it was like the X-Men school, then Battier would definitely be Professor X, Greg Oden would be Cyclops, and Mbakwe would maybe be Wolverine? Actually, Glenn Robinson III should be Wolverine, since he plays for Michigan. Mbakwe can be Iceman or Colussus or something.
Kelly Olynyk, Gonzaga. He was OK with Gonzaga's early exit from the tourney, because he plays bass for a really shitty garage band, and they need to practice. He has a friend whose uncle works in the music industry, and he heard that a bigshot from one of the major record labels is going to be in town this month. They need all the rehearsing they can get- if his band ever wants to get a record deal, they need to quit screwing around and start taking things seriously!
Deniz Kilicli, West Virginia. It's always a little sad saying goodbye to a four-year starter, and in this case, one of my favorite All-Ugly Team members of all-time. Good luck in your future endeavors, Deniz-- which hopefully include bipedalism, discovering fire, and eventually inventing the wheel.
