-Internal monologue: Hey, there's a big screen TV not being used on that wall in the bar, I can watch the KU game tonight after all! It's not like there's a UND hockey game starting in half an hour, and it's not like as soon as people realize the TV is turned on, they'll immediately go request that we watch the UND hockey game instead, and even though they wouldn't have known to ask about the TV without me, I'll have absolutely no recourse, because I'll be outvoted 20-1? That would be rude, right? Right?!?!
What happened in reality: NOW I remember why I moved to Kansas in the first place.
-Internal monologue: Mixing cheap whiskey with room-temperature orange powerade could taste OK....I'mma go ahead and mix up a few of them and pass them around the table, this will be sweet!
What happened in reality: About what you'd think would happen when you mix those two together.
-Internal monologue: Hey, if we start taking groomsman pictures in the morning, and the photgrapher asks us to crack some beers and pretend like we're shooting pool....after we finish up, and we're waiting for the girls to finish getting ready before the real wedding party photo session, we'll be responsible enough to just sit and wait patiently, right? We're grown-ass men.
What happened in reality: The one beer we were supposed to drink for the photos turned into us going back to our rooms and grabbing a case, sitting around a poolside table in the hotel, and busting out a bunch of quarters and playing a drinking game. It took much longer than expected for the girls to be ready, so by the time we were ready to leave to go take our actual photos, most of us were half in the bag. I'm sure my smile looks ridiculous in our pictures, because my #1 priority was to not pee my pants, since I had already broken the seal before we started, and I had to pee every 18 minutes or so-- we call that the Noland Plan. (My #2 priority during pictures was to avoid frostbite, since it was 0 degrees and windy outside. This won't be the last time I say this in this post: the upper midwest sucks.)
-Internal monologue: Any minute now, everybody in this god-forsaken hotel room will stop snoring, and I'll actually fall asleep.
What happened in reality: Maybe the worst night of my life? I officially laid my head down and tried to start sleeping at 3am. Easy E, who knows he has a snoring problem, was considerate enough to stay awake for an extra half an hour, to give all of us a chance to pass out before he starting cutting wood (he made it 15 minutes before passing out, sitting upright and watching SportsCenter with a beer in his hand). And that plan was a success...for everyone except for me. For awhile, I could've sworn everyone was fucking with me. As soon as Easy E would stop snoring, Fundy would start. Then he'd drift off, right as Katie was firing up her chainsaw. And it would just rotate around and around. Sometimes there were multiple people snoring at once, but never was it completely silent for more than 30 seconds. And during every one of those 30-second windows, I would get my hopes up that everyone was really done for awhile, and I'd be able to fall asleep. As the hours ticked by, and 4am became 5am became 6am, I gradually lost hope. I wish that there would've been a Paranormal Activity-style camera set up in our room, because it would've been entertaining to watch me all night. I alternated between rolling over and punching Fundy in the arm, to stretching to the other bed to shake the shit out of Easy E, to walking over to the cot and gently moving Alfsonso and Katie (I couldn't hit a girl) to walking around the room looking like this....
....to opening up the fridge and debating whether or not to just say fuck it and crack a beer, to just sitting upright in bed, staring at nothing, thinking about how much I hated my life at that particular moment. That night was a pretty low point. I finally drifted off sometime around 7....and we were all awake by 8.
-Internal monologue: I'm going to split up the drive back to Kansas, so instead of 11 hours of a hungover nightmare, I can leisurely drive to Minneapolis, watch the Selection Show, visit LZE and relax, then wake up the next morning and cruise the rest the way home.
What happened in reality: Because it's the upper midwest and everything sucks, a blizzard was rapidly bearing down on Minneapolis Sunday night, so I had to make a snap decision to get back in my car at 11pm and pull an all-nighter to avoid the storm. So I slept for 2-3 hours on Friday night, 1 hour on Saturday night (both due to the aforementioned snoring) drove 5 hours, chilled out and got an hour nap, then didn't go to bed again until 6 in the morning. AWESOME.
-Internal monologue: KU won't get matched up with a terrifying 8/9 matchup in their bracket again, right?
What happened in reality: Yes. Yes they will. Even if you set aside all the "Once again, we have to play Roy Williams in the tournament" drama, North Carolina should've been a 6 seed at worst. The last time KU caught a brutally under-seeded team in the second round, and made me punch some furniture as it was announced during the Selection Show, it was Northern Iowa in 2010.....and we all know how that turned out. The committee loves two things: to give KU a terrible 8/9 matchup when they're a 1 seed, and to give them the possibility of going up against Ol' Roy.
-Internal monologue: Russell's daughter Sienna won't be a wild card when she's onstage at the wedding, will she?
What happened in reality: She watched all the bridesmaids in front of her slightly hike up their dresses to go up the stairs, so she figured she would hike hers up to her chest. When that got some laughs of encouragement from the crowd, you knew there was an encore performance coming, and it resulted in some of the best pictures of the whole day. Congrats Russell & Angie!
