Here's the blog post I was starting to construct in my head on Monday afternoon, when I was averaging about 130 points per game, but my overall record was only 6-7, and I was trailing Fundy by 41 points going into the Monday night game:
Once again, I have the most points in the league. And once again, I will not be going to the playoffs. Because Fantasy Football is stupid and pointless and doesn't make sense as currently constructed and FUCK FANTASY FOOTBALL AND FUCK ALL OF YOU I QUIT. Have fun in the Jerkface Playoffs for Jerks.
Here's the post I'm writing now, after Tom Brady went nuts, Andre Johnson did Andre Johnson things, I stormed back and beat Fundy by one point, and Ike knocked off Jon-Jon in their matchup, creating a four-way tie at 7-7 in our division, and allowing me to tiebreak my way into they playoffs:
Guys, seriously, how awesome is fantasy football? It's such a worthwhile and rewarding use of time and energy. I think what I like the most is that the team with the most points is going to make the playoffs; if you made me pick just one favorite thing, that would probably have to be it.
At one point a few weeks ago, in a 12-team league, I had the #2 QB (Brady) the #1 and #5 RBs (Doug Martin & Trent Richardson) the #1 and #9 WRs (Percy Harvin & Johnson) the #2 TE (Jimmy Graham) and the #2 defense (Broncos). I also had the #2 kicker, but even the biggest douche on the planet doesn't brag about his fantasy football kicker. The season-ending injury to Harvin hurts me as much as it does him and the Vikings, and Graham and the Broncs have each dropped a couple of spots....which means that I masturbate while thinking about my team only three times a day, down from the four or five times daily that I was firing off fantasy football knuckle children last month.
She's a fickle bitch, that fantasy football. I'm just glad to be on her good side right now. However, after Z-Unit beats me when Malcolm Floyd tosses the ball over his shoulder at the 1-yard line when he thinks he's already in the end zone, or Richardson shoots himself in the leg at a nightclub, or Bridget Moynahan kidnaps Brady's newborn girl and sets off a Lindbergh Baby situation...then you can be sure that I'll be back to whining and complaining about fantasy football again. That and shamelessly bragging about your team are really the only two things it's good for.
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Unrelated, but hilarious: this cartoon of Jacoby Ellsbury trying to convince Dustin Pedroia to let him try his first chew. I will now be using phrases like "tripping balls" or "Dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip-dip...Dipalodeon!" when I'm about to put in a chew for the rest of my life. Hopefully you do too.
