Everyone always asks me, "Dude, how can you hate Peyton Manning?" Here are three reasons, in no particular order:
1. I'm a Tennessee Titans fan. I had to watch him most dominate the division for 13 years. Quit making the playoffs every single year like you're the Yankees or something. Annoying.
2. His little pre-snap routine where he audibles every single play, and wanders up to the line to talk to his linemen, then back to the shotgun, then up and down the line of scrimmage to talk to his receivers, then back to the shotgun, then uh-oh! We're gonna audible again, let's start the process all over. Not only does it drive me crazy in real life, it became so prevalent that they eventually added it to the Madden video games, so then every time you played the Colts you had to watch him do it every single play, and the games took forever. Annoying.
3. Gambling against him is a nightmare. If he doesn't out and out beat you, then he's like Matt Damon in Rounders: hanging around, hanging around....kid's got alligator's blood. Annoying.
So last night, I was banging the Falcons -3, and feeling good when Peyton threw three first quarter interceptions and the Falcons jumped out to a big lead. I was Doing the Dirty Bird by myself in the basement, sending out texts like "Birrrrrrrrds!" to people who had no idea what I was talking about...just loving life. The Falcons took a 27-7 lead into the 4th quarter, which is normally when you can go ahead and cash your bet when all you have to do is cover three points. But could I relax? No. Could I maybe get to bed a little early? No. Because you can't ever turn your back on Peyton Manning. I've been burned too many times by Peyton over the years- especially in night games- to feel comfortable.
(Which begs the question: "Why are you still betting against Peyton in night games when you've lost so many times before?" To quote Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting when he's talking about choosing the wrench instead of the belt or stick to get beaten with by his foster father: "Because fuck him, that's why.")
And sure enough, Peyton marches the Broncos down the field for a TD, and then the Falcons go three and out, and the Broncos score again, and the Falcons go three and out again, and ESPN is showing stats like "The Falcons are 79-0 all-time when leading by 20 points or more in the 4th quarter" and I'm gritting my teeth, until finally the Falcons get a first down and close it out and I win my bet. Riled me up juuuuust enough that it took me forever to fall asleep last night, when I should've been able to relax and enjoy the win. I know I'm being that guy by complaining about a gambling win, but c'mon! It was 27-7!
In summation, I still hate Peyton Manning.
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Hey, remember in The Departed, when everybody thought Matt Damon was a straight-up detective, but really he was working for Jack Nicholson's gang, and Leonardo DiCaprio had no idea until the very end, and then Marky Mark shot him in the head?......That was cool.
(I reallllllly wanted to have a third Matt Damon reference in this post. After the first two were so applicable, I couldn't just walk away from them).
