We're coming up on the 15-year anniversary of the Spice Girls bursting onto the scene (yeeeee-ikes) and it has me in a reflective mood. Being 13 years old at the time, I couldn't have been in a better position to enjoy them for what they were: five smokeshows who made delightful(ly crappy) pop music. And they're British!
I remember one rainy day while visiting relatives in Baltimore, I was forced to share the remote control with my 7-year-old cousin. I got it for two hours (hello Orioles game) and then it was her turn. I was pissed until she told me she was choosing the movie Spiceworld...then I just pretended to be pissed, until I eventually said something like "Wow, this game is borrrrrrring, we might as well just cut my remote time short and put in Spiceworld...no, Melissa, it's cool, just don't ever say I've never done anything for you. We'll count this as your Christmas present from me, if it makes you feel better. OK NOW HURRY UP AND PUT THE MOVIE IN!" To say I was kinda obsessed with the Spice Girls is to say that Wile E. Coyote was kinda obsessed with killing the Roadrunner.
And I was constantly ranking them. New hairdo? Update the rankings. Awesome cleavage shirt on Saturday Night Live? Upppppdate. So I thought I'd take a look, 15 years later.....
Scary Spice
1996 ranking: 1
2011 ranking: 3
She was one of my biggest middle-school crushes ever. Goofy personality, wild hair, great body, sometimes she wore glasses, she was black....hello wheelhouse. Nice to meet you, my name's Jum. But now she's had a bunch of plastic surgery so she doesn't even look like the same person, she's proven herself to be batshit crazy (not in the good way, like I imagined her before), she had the whole baby-daddy drama with Eddie Murphy....blah. Just a whole bunch of turn-offs. But she's still got a ridiculous body and she's still black, so I can't drop her below #3.
Posh Spice
1996 ranking: 2
2011 ranking: 5
Things were a lot better back when I didn't know anything about Victoria Beckham. Back then she was just Posh Spice, the saucy little vixen in the short black dresses who sang about slamming your body down and winding it all around and what she wants what she really really wants and zig a zig ahhhhhh and things like that. Now she's Victoria Beckham, the 78-pound woman with a bleach-blonde Sonic the Hedgehog haircut, hanging out with scientologists and wearing sunglasses that are worth more than my life. You know how some old Native American tribes believed that when you have your picture taken, you lose a little piece of your soul? That's how I feel every time I look into Posh's eyes nowadays. 5 spot.
Baby Spice
1996 ranking: 3
2011 ranking: 2
I had lots of friends who back in the day would've had Baby comin' for that #1 spot (rappers swearin' they on top, nuh uh, nuh uh!) and would probably take offense to this ranking (nobody puts Baby in the corner/3 spot!) But clearly I was more attracted to crazy back before I had ever had a REAL girlfriend (don't worry, Middle School Jum, the crazy ones are coming) so she fell down the rankings a bit. She has aged very well though, and moves up to 2nd in 2011. My little Baby's all growns up and she's all growns up and she's all growns up! A Ludacris, Dirty Dancing, and Swingers reference, all in one paragraph....in a post about the Spice Girls. That's why you guys read this blog. Assuming you're still reading....which I admit is a rather large assumption at this point.
Ginger Spice
1996 ranking: 4
2011 ranking: 4
I never had much of an opinion on ol' Ginger, and I don't have much of one now either. Ipso facto, she stays put at #4. I do think she missed the boat for having a great porn career, though. She just looks like a porn star, and you could play up the red hair in the titles of the movies. There's one in particular I'm thinking of, relating to The Hunt For Red October, but I refuse to get more graphic than that. You connect the dots.
Sporty Spice
1996 ranking: 5
2011 ranking: 1
Now here's the horse coming on strong as they come around turn 3! I used to think Sporty was kinda gross-- not because she was athletic and tomboyish, I've always thought athleticism is attractive-- but because I was pretty sure she could kick my ass (and let's be honest here: I'm sure she still can. The point is that she no longer looks like she WANTS to.) But now I'm starting to think that was all the managers and producers and behind the scenesters' fault, because when left to her own devices....Sporty got hot! Get yourself some, girl! With your bangs and all that.
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The important thing for the Spice Girls is that if you wanna be their lover, you gotta get with their friends. Make it last forever, friendship never ends, yada yada yada. If all their friends look like this.....I don't think I'll have a problem gettin' with any of them. Hey-oooo!
