- Ate my mom's fried chicken, the finest meal in the tri-state area? Check.
- Was probably the drunkest guy in said tri-state area on Friday night? Check.
- Puked in my parents' basement toilet? Check.
- Stayed up wayyyyy too late with the Zidon sisters, once again? Check. That could probably be re-worded to not sound inappropriate. (Editor's note: We'll leave it as is.)
- Ate Red Pepper sober? Check.
- Ate Red Pepper borderline blacked out? Check.
- Ran into a girl at the wedding I literally hadn't talked to since 1998, went to the bar next door to do a shot with her, ended up balls deep in a conversation, and of course missed both the Apache dance AND the mid-wedding-dance Red Pepper snack? Check. (Side note: FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK ME.)
- Played an awful, hungover round of golf at Ray Richard's? Check.
- Had a spur-of-the-moment, homoerotic (yet strangely natural) photo shoot with Paul, under the guise that we needed to spice up the gift-opening session by giving Katie and Alfonso some completely over the top pictures of ourselves? Check.
- Shamelessly hit on an older sister bridesmaid the entire weekend? Check. My favorite line I used on her: "It's a shame that the bride isn't even the most beautiful Zidon at the head table tonight...she has to take 2nd place behind you." Her response: "Are you kidding with me with that one?!?! You are standing in shit up to your KNEES right now!!!" But I'll be damned if we weren't posing for a prom-style picture for the wedding photographer within the next ten minutes. (Don't worry, my girlfriend and (I think) her husband were aware of the situation.)
- Non-checklist-style, but another great response: while watching Alfonso play guitar on Friday night, I asked Katie if they had made their top 5 "If you get the opportunity to sleep with these people, it's not cheating" lists yet....and if I happened to be on Alfonso's list. Her reply: "Who says you're not on both our lists?" Bingo. Bango. Bongo. My new goal is to sleep with both members of a marriage. How many people can claim that? My mom always taught me, it's important to have goals in life.
- Made around 50 Macho Man Randy Savage having a heart attack, crashing his car, and dying jokes? Check. "Ohhh Brotha Brotha Brotha Brotha Brotha!!! My heart feels like it's snapping into a Slim Jim right now!!! Somebody tell Miss Elizabeth I'll love her forever oooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!" Maybe you had to be there. Seriously, though- RIP, Savage.
- Properly celebrated the marriage of one of my all-time favorite couples? Check. Congrats you two, you're awesome. (While we're here, other favorite couples: Zack Morris & Kelly Kapowski; Amy Poehler & Will Arnett; Macho Man & Miss Elizabeth; Mila Kunis & Macaulay Culkin; Russell & the rando he banged by the fountains at Caesar's Palace; the lesbians in Tatu.)
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Side note: all I wanted to do last night was kick back, relax, watch some sports, recover from the weekend, and take my mind off my end-of-vacation-weekend-and-I-won't-see-a-lot-of-these-friends-until-Christmas blues....and then the Sox blew an 8th inning lead and lost (I REFUSE to believe the Indians are this good...there's just no way) and OKC blew a 15-point lead with 5 fucking minutes left and lost....and I ended up pissed off and sweating a little bit and awake until 2 am. Awesome. THANKS Sports Gods.
