A few days ago at work a few dudes were slobbering over January Jones, star of Mad Men, as well as the chick who Stiffler and Shitbreak fight over in that brutally awful third American Pie movie. I made an offhand comment that I could think of 100 different girls I would rather 'pound out' (little Jersey Shore lingo there) than Ms. Jones, and everybody scoffed at me. So I proceeded to start a list. Really, this was kinda one of those How I Met Your Mother situations, where nobody really challenges Barney to anything, but he makes it a big deal and proclaims "Challenge accepted!"
The only rules were that 1) I had to actually know the name of the girl without Googling it. I couldn't just say "the girl with no pants on in the deleted scenes of Role Models" or "one of Tiger's mistresses, you know, the 11th one" or "the dancer on stage #2 who made eye contact with me right when I was stuffing a whole leg of fried chicken in my mouth during the lunch buffet at the Dirty Bird last week." And 2) I had to pick 100 girls that I think are better-looking right now, not any time in history. This eliminated, among others: Van Wilder-era Tara Reid, JFK-Happy-Birthday-Mr. President-era Marilyn Monroe, and the Full House-era Olsen twins (too far?)
So without further ado, in no particular order (except for #1, who will ALWAYS be #1 in my heart) 100 girls I think are better looking than January Jones:
1. Tiffani Amber Thiessen (a more appropriate question for me would be: would you rather sleep with January Jones, or Tiffani after she's been dead for six hours? Also, she died from AIDS.)
2. Olivia Wilde
3. Jessica Biel
4. Jessica Alba
5. Jessica Simpson
6. Rachel Bilson
7. Megan Fox
8. Sophia Bush
9. Erin Andrews
10. Kristen Bell
11. Mila Kunis
12. Danneel Harris
13. Alicia Keys
14. Lacey Chabert
15. Rachel McAdams
16. Amanda Seyfried
17. Jennifer Love Hewitt
18. Marisa Tomei
19. Emma Watson
20. Whitney Port
21. Rashida Jones
22. Blake Lively
23. Leighton Meester
24. Eva Mendes
25. Scarlett Johansson
26. Jennifer Connelly
27. Malin Akerman
28. Kate Beckinsdale
29. Demi Moore
30. Katy Perry
31. Jordana Brewster
32. Hilary Duff
33. Lindsay Lohan
34. Eliza Dushku
35. Bar Raefali
36. Zooey Deschanel
37. Marisa Miller
38. Amanda Bynes
39. Ashley Tisdale
40. Alyson Hannigan
41. Cobie Smulders
42. Danica Patrick
43. Audrina Patridge
44. Kim Kardashian
45. Courtney Kardashian
46. Lizzy Kaplan
47. Soleil Moon Frye
48. Cassie Steele
49. Shenae Grimes
50. Elisha Cuthbert
51. Anna Faris
52. Jennie Garth
53. Natalie Burton
54. Michelle Trachtenburg
55. Anna Kournikova
56. Ashley Greene
57. Minka Kelly
58. Britney Spears
59. Heidi Klum
60. Ali Larter
61. Maria Sharapova
62. Amy Smart
63. Mandy Moore
64. Jamie-Lynn Sigler
65. Autumn Reeser
66. Hilary Burton
67. Isla Fisher
68. Leslie Bibb
69. Kristin Cavalieri
70. Anna Paquin
71. Halle Berry
72. Mischa Barton
73. Sarah Michelle Gellar
74. Eva Longoria
75. Natalie Cigliutti
76. Jennifer Aniston
77. Penelope Cruz
78. Gina Gershon
79. Elisabeth Shue
80. Aubrey Plaza
81. Chyler Leigh
82. Cerina Vincent
83. Stacy Keibler
84. Natalie Gulbis
85. Mariah Carey
86. Elizabeth Banks
87. Parker Posey
88. Michelle Wie
89. Sarah Lancaster
90. Marguerite Moreau
91. Anne Hathaway
92. Julie Bowen
93. Kristen Kreuk
94. Erica Durance
95. Nicole Kidman
96. Naomi Watts
97. Elin Nordegren
98. Mary Louise Parker
99. Evangeline Lilly
100. Emma Stone
And let's be honest, this was me just totally mailing in a post. I just got done playing pickup basketball, we're leaving for North Dakota in about seven hours, and I didn't have anything else in me besides basically a cut-and-paste job from my email account.
Kickball in the Walsh Quad at 7 pm on the 23rd, if you haven't heard already. Let's slap a stamp on this bitch and get outta here. Peace.
